Wedding [guest] etiquette, and yes I’m going there. As much as we like to think, or believe, there are no rules that apply [to us, an invited guest]…um, think again. As if you don’t think manners apply, either, say…when you’re having dinner with the Pope, the President, or how about God? Yeah, I went there, too.
While times are changing, wedding guest etiquette remains unchanged as a whole. Little things here and there are brushed under the rug, or often ignored – but the majority is always still expected and should ultimately be respected as a general rule of thumb. I mean, if you’re invited to a wedding, you’re obviously pretty important to the couple getting married. Whether the couple is having a 100+ person wedding, or a 30 person wedding – your presence at the nuptials was taken into account. Though, no matter the case, every wedding has basic “courtesy” rules all guests should follow (even when they are unsure).
Simple wedding guest DON’TS from a Millennial bride
If you are a part of that special moment in someone’s life, please DO NOT…
RSVP late, or fail to RSVP back
I’ve learned by word of mouth, and by experience. Guests that decide to wait until the very last second to send in their RSVP, or fail to RSVP at all. And “Mary-Cathryn” now wonders why she’s left without a seat when she shows up the day of the wedding – tadaaaaa.
How does that look for both parties? Sure, mistakes happen, but certainly there is plennnnnnty of time given…as well as the responsibility placed on the guest without needing reminding.
So when you get that wedding invitation in the mail (which is generally months prior to the actual wedding date), do not hesitate on what plans you may have, because let’s be real here, more than likely you don’t have any. Don’t blame it on your dental cleaning scheduled for that day. Unless you’ve had a trip planned or another wedding you’ve already agreed to…there are far and few excuses that earn you acceptance for why your RSVP is L A T E.
Ask, or assume you can invite a +1
Especially if it is not written anywhere on the envelope, or RSVP card, “+1, + guest, & guest, or name 1 AND name 2“.
To the bride and groom, every single extra guest or “plus one” is an additional expense, and a reserved/deserved seat for other guests they are in closer relations to. Don’t give them the embarrassing responsibility of directly contacting you, or in response to deny you the guest you assumed or asked could come.
Sometimes “single” guests can get lucky – the bride or groom may reach out and offer you to bring a guest late in the game. But again, that is by luck of the draw. And if you have the guts to ask – you better have high relations with the bride and groom without it seeming rude and ballsy.
Otherwise, when in doubt, in this case, assume doubtfully.
Dress down for the occasion
Let’s talk attire. Far too many are utterly confused when it comes to, “How should I dress for the wedding?“.
It’s a WEDDING. Unless the invitation ‘specifically’ says Black Tie formal (which would require you to wear floor-length formal gowns and tuxes for men) – you should always, always, always assume formal or semi-formal for wedding attires that aren’t specified. Whether it’s a beach wedding, barnyard hoe-down, or biker bar nuptials – dress to the utmost occasion. It’s still considered a celebratory event.
UNLESS otherwise stated directly by the bride and groom – that means no shorts, T-shirts, flip flops (like those rubber thongs you wear to the beach), jeans, polos, or flannel – ever. Casual attire, such as sundresses, sandals, loafers, khaki pants, and button-downs without a tie only when permitted (meaning, if the wedding invitation clearly says “casual” attire). When in doubt, always dress UP for the occasion – not down.
Even STILL today, some guests can never abide by the one GIANT no-no rule of attire on someone’s big day:
Never, ever, ever, ever wear ALL WHITE
Unless “all-white attire” is specified in the wedding invitation.
Now, I say this because I just can’t even. I can’t even fathom why women would not consider this to be disrespectful (as far as just the fact that the bride is the one [traditionally obligued] or solely to wear white). Granted, colored wedding gowns are the growing trend today – white is now a thing in the past for many.
Even if you know the bride is wearing BLACK.
While there might be brides who could care less, there are brides who take that notion seriously – mainly because it’s an unspoken sign of [traditional] respect. Don’t chance it, and have a little decency for the married couple on their wedding day – never wear all white.
Don’t be late to the ceremony; don’t skip the ceremony
A few weddings I went to, the coordinators didn’t even allow late guests to take a seat until the bride had finished walking down the aisle and the music stopped. And, honestly, I applaud those coordinators.
Is it really that hard to be on time? Granted, I’m someone who can’t stand being late, and plans my time accordingly (minute to freaking minute), while being “on time” to me is also still considered late. Whoops – truth bomb.
Therefore, treat a wedding accordingly. A wedding may never start earlier than the designated time frame, but it sure as hell isn’t going to wait if you’re not in your seat by the time it starts.
And even more so – do not intentionally skip the ceremony or the reception, either. Far too many do this (unless it was planned that way, and the bride and groom know about it, too). I think people are getting the inclination that when the bride and groom invite less to the ceremony and more to the reception – there is this open-ended choice as to which portion the wedding guests would rather attend. That’s not how that works. Don’t come to the wedding at all if you’re [literally] just going for the free food and booze – period.
Abuse cell phone use
I am back and forth on this ordeal. In one breath I think the guests should be allowed to take pictures during the wedding ceremony, while it seems EVERYONE does it to the point where no one is actually enjoying the moment. And in professional pictures, all you see are guests holding up phones in front of their faces. Classy, and boy do we all look so asleep to the enjoyment of life’s REAL moments in time. Not everything worth remembering NEEDS to be captured – you’ll get to see professional photos, I’m sure, at some point.
Besides, if cell phones go off in the middle of the vows – how cringy! And I’ve witnessed this in almost every single wedding I’ve attended. LIKE WHYYYYYYYYYY. And they’re mostly coming from the older generations – seriously, guys, do better if you’re going to complain so much about keeping “traditions” alive. Alas, many weddings nowadays inform guests to silence their phones – do people just not instinctively check beforehand? Do they just not care? And the people that just take phone calls all willy-nilly during the ceremony (when it isn’t an absolute, dire emergency, of course) – double rude.
I know some brides become very uppity about cell phone usage during ceremony time – it’s really their own prerogative. So please, respect that. As a guest sitting part of the crowd, I am overly annoyed to have 10 hands up and around me holding cell phones the entire time while I’m simply trying to watch the bride make her way to the love of her life.
Let’s be real about this situation: moderation, people, moderation. Or simply follow the bride’s wishes. It’s her day, not yours.
To gift, or not to gift?
Okay, so this isn’t exactly a don’t.
I’ve been investigating this issue for some time. I never thought I would see so much controversy over something that is the MOST understood to me when it comes to weddings. Weddings are like childhood birthday parties in my eyes – you don’t just get invited, show up and not have a gift. Whatever society wants to call it – it’s standard.
The bride and groom are paying upwards amounts of money to have you as a part of their big day (just as parents have paid for a clown, decorations, cake, food, favors, and simply the time to entertain your child at a party) – aside from the fact that a wedding, and a birthday, are pretty significant events in someone’s life. And again, if you’re invited to a wedding, you’re obviously an important aspect of this couples’ lives. And if you’re attending the wedding, that couple is obviously pretty important to you in return. Nobody forces you to attend.
Now, I should bite my tongue when I say this, but I know all too well (and have had the thought once or twice in my experience thus far) that there are couples out there who invite others just simply for the sake of…gifts. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way, especially when the general rule of thumb is: even if you are invited and don’t attend the wedding, it’s still customary to give a gift.
Hold your breath – now, exhale deeply – for those of you who are thinking, “double-you-tee-eff!” This was the “customary” way in previous generations, including mine. And maybe there’s more of an exception to this rule today.
BUT, let’s ignore the small, unlikely, unprovable percentage who use their wedding as a way solely for gifts. I will always argue when people say, “Why should they expect a gift?“, because I will respond with, “They aren’t. The problem is that you fail to acknowledge the amount they put toward their wedding while devaluing a celebration that is gift-worthy.” If the bride and groom expected gifts, they would go far beyond simply adding a registry link to the bottom of their invitation. Plus, nothing SAYS you have to give only what’s registered – that’s simply a recommendation, or guideline.
Not everyone’s budget fits for what is on the registry.
If financial troubles are prevelant, surely the bride and groom would understand if you expressed your concerns about “accepting” their invite – I’ll bet they care about your appearance at their big day over a gift, anyhow. Sure, some may argue that, “I shouldn’t have to tell the bride and groom about my personal issues.” Ultimately, think and do what you want, but at least consider how you would feel if roles were reversed.
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Don’t leave the wedding once dinner is over
I see you out there. And I’m not talking about the old geezers that can’t stay awake past 9pm, or the moms with Littles at home with the babysitter. But those that dip right after the dinner portion without a word – I don’t know, say, to go out on the town. It’s disgusting.
This one is plain and simple if you ultimately have respect for those that have made the effort in sharing this special time in their lives. Unless the reason is logical, such as having to be up for work or to catch a flight at the crack of dawn. I’m not saying you gotta stay to walk the couple to their hotel room, but think about it: if most decided to up and leave after cutting the cake, do you think the bride and groom woudn’t notice? Again, it’s a courtesy – make a point to stay until at least all major festivities of the reception have been completed (where all that’s left if getting hammered drunk on the dance floor) before walking out.