Are you always seeking out companionship, or to be in a relationship? Being consumed by this may hurt you more than it can help you.
It’s always when you’re not looking that it appears, am I right? So….moral of the story: stop forcing it to appear. But you’ve been told that for God knows how long and how many times, I’m sure, to stop desperately looking for a relationship.
This is for the woman who has been on her own for a while, is tirelessly looking for that perfect team-player, companionship, and forever person, has just ended a commitment or finally (and rather suddenly, at a given point in her life) knows exactly what she wants.
Maybe you panic at the sight of others coupling up left and right, getting married, and starting the rest of their lives. That maybe the failing relationships, or having zero luck in the dating department, is your constant fate, and this has been ongoing and difficult to shake.
In no way, shape or form should this dictate where you are supposed to be in your life, let alone *doom* you to failure.
I know this can be a trigger, but there is still so much truth within it, that “you are better off alone than in the wrong relationship“. If you’re wildly hyper-focused on the idea of finding someone and obsessed with simply being in a relationship – it’s not always passionate readiness but insecurity.
To single women, here are 10 reasons to avoid desperately looking for a relationship
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
You jump from one relationship to the next
Even I did this. There’s no excuse for it, and it wasn’t the healthiest choice. Jumping from one relationship to the next certainly did not improve my foundational view and experience on relationships – if anything, it only stained it.
I can clearly remember moving on from a relationship before even officially ending it. Now I know this isn’t exactly clear-cut black and white, but let’s just say I was willfully back out in the dating pool within the weeks that followed the end point of that relationship. And I snagged a prospect pretty quickly, which resulted in a difficult 2-year long, unhealthy relationship full of trials, unresolved healing, and lessons I wasn’t prepared for nor anticipating.
I look back now and see a very insecure 20-something year old woman. Not just that, but the blatant lack of self-respect was evident, even if it were insanely discrete. I masked both with this falsified sense of confidence (more so ignorance), when it was really just desperation. But I just couldn’t see it at the time, because I thought finding Love could fix all things.
I was only hauling a heavily stuffed suitcase full of dirty, unwashed laundry with me. I was re-wearing clothes I thought smelled fine, according to my senses and, truthfully, sort of expected that the next person would wash them clean for me. Or, otherwise, I figured I’d just deal with the load when I could no longer bear it.
Does that make sense? Eventually, that pile will tire and catch up with you, it will wreak havoc on you and the person you’re with, and someone is bound to notice that rank stank.
You’re seeking constant validation
And everyone sees, including potential prospects.
I get it – you’re tired of searching for the right person – hell, just someone, or anyone – as much as you’re sick of being stood up, cheated on and taken advantage of.
You’re not alone. The thing is, there’s a wide gap between seeking constant affirmation and actively staying open and receptive to relationship opportunity.
What are some typical examples of someone constantly seeking validation?
- They’re excessively posting on social media. Good or bad, they’re likely over-sharing about their personal lives, achievements, misfortunes, and feelings, and likely for reassurance (attention from others).
- They’re always after receiving things like approval, recognition or praise from others. For instance, this could be someone who needs constant affirmation or recognition from their boss for doing *good work* or to know they’re not doing a bad job, which can stem from over-performance or a lack of self-reliance.
- They fear rejection, so these individuals may compromise on their values as to gain approval from others. At the same time, sensitivity to criticism often describes a person who heavily depends on approval and reassurance of others.
What does being active, open and receptive to relationship opportunity look like?
- Being active can still mean making proactive moves toward finding a relationship, or the right partner, but without the all-consuming behaviors attached to it.
- Being open to opportunities means to accept, welcome or invite without resistance, though not blindly. Being open to relationships doesn’t mean without proper discernment and careful consideration.
- Being receptive to relationship opportunities is to be responsive, not submissive. Receptivity invites curiosity, not unrestrained anticipation to give yourself over to that opportunity, or person, freely and entirely.
If this point hits a soft spot or deeply resonates with you, it would be a good time to unpack the ways in which you might be consumed with seeking validation from others, and how you can redirect to being active with openness and receptivity that isn’t hyper-dependent on others.
You settle too quickly
I’ll ask you: what do you think it means to settle too quickly? Go ahead and answer that for yourself, but here’s my answer (for me):
- Settling too quickly means I rushed into the feelings I had with someone before I was actually committed to the person outside those feelings.
How would you say my definition compares to yours? I think we could answer this more clearly with some common examples.
What can settling too quickly look like?
- You met someone, you talk non-stop for two weeks. You go on a few dates, spend hours upon hours together and talk all day, every day in between. Soon thereafter, he seems to have lost interest, or become “busy”, because he hasn’t called or made an initiative in seeing you. Now you’re left heartbroken because you feel ghosted.
- Maybe you had sex on that first date, and your time together thereafter is mostly spent at his place. After a while, you want him to step up his game, except he’s perfectly content with the way things are. Now you’re feeling used and taken for granted.
- Maybe he said or did that one awful, unforgettable thing early on, and you tried to let it go. Now he doesn’t treat you the same since you surfaced the issue. Everything he does continues to disappoint you, but you would rather keep the peace because, in one breath, you’re happy having someone in your life, but in another living in torment around someone who sees no need to change their behavior.
- You accepted that first date, knowing he has no money and no job, but you prioritize partnership, so you pay for the date. Then it turns into paying for the next one, the one after that, and so on. Yet, somehow, he’s got you wrapped at this point, and you constantly experience “re-falling in Love” with him whenever he does something sweet or seems to get on the right track temporarily. Eventually, you’re feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.
- He comes to your place late at night, crashes with you (once he’s gotten it in), and then he’s gone by morning. It used to not be like that, but you both work and have busy schedules, so you’ve accepted seeing him when he makes the late night “I miss you” calls. You want to assume this is just a phase, but you’re too enamored by him to “blow this out of proportion” and risk losing him.
Am I judging you? No, absolutely not. Even I settled, throwing logic completely out the window for those good feels, even when I knew it wasn’t best for me. We do that and can only ever ask why with a direct answer once all is said and done.
When we’re desperately looking for Love, we have a greater tendency to give up or be more lenient with certain standards in relationships. Instead, the bare minimum often gets distorted as being too much or just enough, so we settle as if that’s as good as it can get. And because of this we’re consequently less likely to notice and resist those red flags.
All expectations go out the window
Think about it. When you’re all-consumed by being in a relationship, what are some things you might compromise (even if you think you won’t)?
How many people have been severely burned by someone they’re *just* dating early on and not only forgiven but reconciled, as if nothing happened despite that person being accountable for their actions? Often enough, it seems.
How often are simple things like disrespect being downplayed (accustomed, condoned, enabled, pardoned) in the name of being wanted, chosen or staying together? How much do our feelings for someone, despite the unrepentant pain they cause, determine our expectations of them?
To make things a little clearer, when you’re desperately looking for a relationship, expecting certain things such as respect are increasingly likely to become the former (to be compromised).
[Related Read: I’m Not High Maintenance – I Have High Expectations In Relationships]
You don’t actually know what you want
Which means your mind likely changes quickly and often. One minute you want the guy with a decent, well-established career and two months later you’re knee-deep with someone because they gave you one solid good night but can’t keep the lights on in their place.
This week you spend many sleepless nights with the boy toy who has a smashing bod, likes to party and is admired by *all*, then the next week you’re talking about needing to find a plain jane good man who wants to get married because you’re nearing your thirties and suddenly concerned about your “ticking clock“.
You need to know what you want. Going back and forth is not knowing, it’s not being able to decipher two completely different things. Getting into a relationship, any relationship, isn’t going to help fix that or magically align the compass of your life. The downfall of engaging in something – out of desperation – that you have no true understanding of why only continues to drive you further down a road of confusion.
Most of your past relationships ended poorly
I promise, I’m not coming at you, because most people’s relationships rarely end on mutual or friendly terms. That doesn’t mean the rest are catastrophic, either, but many endings of relationships can be uncivil. Let’s be real.
Even I would say most of my relationships ended poorly. They just didn’t end how I saw it, or they ended in such a way that I would have done something different now looking back.
Either way, it’s still a good thing to reflect back if most or all of your past relationships have bad blood. Maybe I should actually say we ought to reflect on the breakups we haven’t either [1] fully processed or let go, and [2] forgiven or repented of (ask for forgiveness).
Every single one of us, every individual, no matter the case, plays some part and has a role in every relationship they’re in – good and bad.
That one doesn’t go down easy for many, I’m sure, which is why I want to make sure I say that even if you were cheated on…you still played a role and you still had a part in that relationship.
Desperately seeking out a relationship poses the question if we are truly accepting and understanding of that, which is the point I am making here. Do we actually take the time to reflect on our individual role or are we obsessed with constantly looking for Love as a way to avoid self-responsibility (on our part)?
You refuse to let go of your ex
Guilty. I was still head over heels with an ex, and I forced myself to seek out someone else in hopes of letting them go. It was a very complicated, high school situation where my parent’s approval was involved, and they took measures to dispel the relationship I was in. It wasn’t an unhealthy relationship, by any means, they just thought I was too young to be with the same person in and all throughout high school.
Anyway, again, I was desperate to replace the Love I wasn’t allowed to be in with someone else. I know, make it make sense that my parents were okay with me dating others – they just didn’t want me to stay in the serious relationship I was in at the time.
There are two sides to this coin. On one side, you may be frantic to find someone else as a means to get over an ex, or you may be consumed with trying to make that previous relationship work time and time again.
Let me reiterate. It’s possible you might only end up sabotaging [more] a relationship you’re desperately trying to make work.
You feel like the world owes you
Listen, I get it. You say you’ve done the work, and maybe it’s even evident – you’ve got all the proof to back it up. That’s great, really.
Does that guarantee fortune in return? I am really not trying to sound glum, but when we start doing things with an expectation behind them, and we’re left empty handed, it explains many things people are consequently experiencing.
Bitterness. Envy. Resentment, grief, anger, unforgiveness, arrogance, self-destruction, confusion, and desperation.
You’ve been working hard, doing the work even, but now you feel that life owes you something. IMO, deep down we all want some level of reparation for the negative experiences we go through, and even more so for the things we worked hard to earn let alone “deserve”.
We all deserve perfectly happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. We all deserve true, authentic Love in this life. Yet if we’re operating in this life with the attitude that the world, and others in it, owe you then we can’t be surprised when we are met with the reality of rejection and discontentment.
You can’t stand the dating scene
I’m going to have to do a good job unpacking this one. While I am also not necessarily a fan of the whole dating scene, I feel I need to start out by pinpointing certain things that have become entangled with today’s dating culture.
[Related Read: To The Woman Who Is Tired Of Dating – This One’s For You]
Things like casual dating and hookup culture, specifically. Unfortunately, those two things alone may contribute to individuals seeking to rush into relationships as to avoid the wrongful intent and exclusively non-committal aspects of dating.
On the other hand, if you can’t stand the dating scene, you also might fall into the trap of engaging in casual dating and hookup culture – out of desperation – as a means to bypass the intended process of dating for exclusivity.
Your idea of The One is entirely unrealistic
I know I talked about the side of completely minimizing all standards and expectations, but we also have to touch on the unrealistic side of things.
It is possible, that in your desperate quest to find Mr. Right or that perfect relationship, unrealistic expectations of The One have made turned your journey into a mission.
[Related Read: 8 Lies about Love society has made you believe]
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