This post makes it official. I am speaking out on adhering to my more traditional dating values in a modernized society. Phew. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to say that, and confidently say it.
I’ve spent the last couple years trying to please all relationship styles, expectations, values and beliefs. And while I do respect them, I’ve grown tired of ignoring and overshadowing my own. There’s a reason I started this blog in the first place – personal experience, knowledge and insight. I have a unique stance, approach and personal success being the woman with traditional values in a modernized online dating world.
Unfortunately the word traditional alone gets such a nasty rep, it’s insane. It’s as if I am stuck in the times or something – like I just succumb all willy nilly to the control of a man – and refuse to evolve (er, more like eradicate) out of “old-world” courtship.
BUT the truth is, we live in a society where nobody seems happy with anything. You could lay down on the ground for those to walk all over you and someone would still say you aren’t flat enough. And with the major push for relationship equality, it would seem the majority are here for it, yet still want special privileges, so they pick and choose what they want and don’t want from it.
Mmm, that’s not exactly how…it…works. But okay – cool, cool.
Main points broken down in this post..
So alongside the effects of this new – kinda contradictory – modern wave of relationship dynamics, I got to a point where I said screw it, I know who I am, what I want, and it’s out there in a partner for me. It surely wasn’t easy, but I also didn’t let go of believing traditional values were totally lost.
If you notice, I said “wave”. Personally I think that’s exactly what this is – a temporary phase – and that more traditional relationships are still the silent, content majority. But that’s just me.
I know my way isn’t the only right way, nor is anyone else’s. My way is right for me, and I also know my way is many other women’s desire as well. As a woman, part of this whole philosophy was having the ability to choose, and that’s what I did. Regardless of modern-day society pushing and conforming this unconventional approach to dating as being the *new* right way… I chose to go my own path.
A pretty battered, now overgrown path less traveled, nonetheless. I like a challenge, anyway, so it’s fine.
My point being… it’s more than possible to live in an unconventional, modern dating world and still uphold traditional values. And no, not the envision of an insignificant, weak-minded, dependent 50’s housewife who worships the ground her husband walks on – *most* 21st century “traditional” couples have evolved way beyond that level of so-called “oppressive” nonsense since.
And, yet, hey – if a woman wants to stay home and cater to her man as his wife, or a man desires the wife who stays home so he can provide for her – let it be. I practically stay home and, yes, cater to my husband while he works his a** off to provide for a wonderful life – nobody’s oppressed here! *I could work for the other “man” if I absolutely wanted to.
So no matter what you read, or who says otherwise… traditional dating values still exist. They may not exactly be walking the streets in plain sight, but living peacefully and silently in the shadows.
I Upheld Traditional Dating Values In A Modern World
I respected a man who took the lead
Whoo-wee, that’s so hot. I’m not even ashamed to admit it, and there’s absolutely nothing superficial or yielding about it. My inner high school girl is coming through real hard on this one.
This meant the initiating, asking, planning and executing – I’m talking logistics of when and where from beginning to end. And, yes, the man was primarily the default.
Now this didn’t mean I never took the lead. Guys deserve to be spoiled, too. But I was attracted to someone who was proud and honored to take the lead. And as a now married woman, I am honored to have a husband that leads without making me feel inferior as his wife, or as if I ought to thank him every second of every day.
In fact, we encourage one another to lead variously.
I also respected a man who offered to pay for the date
Yup, and most of them. Know why? And no, it’s not about the money, it’s principle.
[Preparing myself for some really cooky, nasty remarks on this one]
I saw this as something primal in a man – the whole ‘taking care of his lady’ instinct – to protect and provide. There’s a comfort in that aspect – again, him taking the lead – knowing I am taken care of, even when it’s obvious that I can hold my own.
But to be fair, sharing traditional values with a modernized online dating presence, I did always initiate the first date as technically a no-strings-attached meet-up. Therefore, I always insisted on going dutch. After all, I was getting to know this person for the first time, in person, and I didn’t want there to be this pressure of forced interest or unjust expectation.
So these days, I find that a first date is not usually considered a first date unless there is exclusive romantic connection.
But hey, if a guy insisted on paying – so be it – I respected that wholesomely. And if there was interest beyond that first meeting, I treated the next date thereafter as a real first date.
This goes without saying, I paid for dates as well. I also initiated and planned dates – I am a MiLlEnNiAl after all. But I swayed more toward the traditional aspects of dating, no matter how many grudgingly, nasty reactions I received or how much longer it would take to find someone with the same respective stance.
Netflix and “chill” is never, and will never be, a real date
I rarely classified dates that mocked a hangout. To me, going to one another’s place as a non-exclusive couple was not considered a date – it was simply hanging out. Unfortunately, any expectation of courtship is seen as having too high of expectations instead of respectable dating standards these days.
And that’s the problem. Courtship is not a superficial expectation, it has to do with V A L U E S. Because when you’re dating someone new, spending one on one time at one another’s place instigates one thing and one thing only.
In modern dating people are also complaining that dates are not authentic anymore. I can bet the absence of effort, planning, creativity, anticipation, and quality standards are a huge chunk as to why.
Instant gratification has stolen our patience in the dating game (ah, well, hello texting 24/7 and half-naked photos for attention), and quantity over quality is mainstream (meaningggg… settling for more “hangouts” over real, planned “dates” early on).
Back in the 2008 era, I didn’t see the person I was dating often – maybe once on the weekends, at most. So it was something special to look forward to because it required setting aside and planning that time together in advance. It isn’t like that anymore today. I feel like the ‘when‘ and ‘how often‘ is very lax, open, and compulsive (with an extreme mix of being too flexible or unavailable), which is also often last-minute and grossly per self-convenience.
The, “Hey, I know this is last minute but what are you doing tonight? It’s too late to really go anywhere, so uhhh…you wanna hang? (AKA I didn’t have anything better to do or my plans fell through)“. Basically, making somebody a priority has become noncommittal with rushed stages in order to receive all the benefits (hint, hint…sex).
Are there set limits to dating, such as duration, timing and patience when it comes to certain things? I sure think so, but not to everyone. Many are going on dates with the same person days in a row. Hell, there are those spending the night (even multiple nights) routinely at each other’s place only days or a couple of weeks in.
Okkkkay, who am I kidding – of course there were times I saw dates on back-to-back days, especially as we progressed into a relationship, but I think it’s all about being mindful and keeping that healthy balance. Yet I see it well too often – those cramming a 6-month span of time in getting to know one another into a week.
Talk about biting off more than you can chew.
A real date takes effort in planning, some creativity and, at times, some patience (it really isn’t the end of the world if you only see one another once a week). Yes, it is about stepping out of the comforts of every day, technologically-based life, penciling in that time together into your busy schedules, and actually planning an activity rather than barrel rolling into being an “old married couple” from the start.
Nice gestures – chivalry – are literally acts of respect
It’s simple – the way I view traditional, chivalrous gestures is not the same as the harsh light they are under today. From opening my door, allowing me to order first, walking me to my car or front door, walking closest to the road next to me, picking me up and dropping me off from a date – these are all signs of respect in my eyes.
The realest question in all this is, “do I really NEED all that (to feel *worthy* or valuable)?” [Sigh], of course not. But do I WANT and VALUE all of it? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Chivalry does not make me feel powerless, weak, incapable or helpless as a woman.
In fact, I feel the complete opposite. A man who treats me in this respect makes me feel completely empowered, worthy, and deserving, not detained, submissive, or controlled. Look, I spent 10 years working in a field where I wrestled with up to 150-pound dogs and lifted 50-pound items on a regular basis – trust me, I am one tough cookie on my own. Yet I love the fact my husband jumps at doing all the heavy lifting so. I. don’t. have. to.
Chivalry are values, and those values in a man do not make me oppressed.
[Related Read: The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received – And Completely Ignored!]
Besides, if not out of human decency – since there are men out there who believe chivalry is largely outdated and superficial (and I can’t blame their reasoning) – these outward gestures also means that he actually cares. Aside from the slim margin who use chivalry to their advantage, if it is genuine it will be without the notion that you owe him anything beyond humility.
I also learned along the way that you can’t fall for a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Never trust a man who says he’s “one of the good ones” – if that’s true he won’t have anything to prove, he’ll unapologetically be one with or without your affirmation.
Sexual tension was all about the build up, not sprinting to the finish line
As much as we like to pretend that initial chemistry sets the tone for compatibility or a possible relationship, it’s certainly not everything. Chemistry does not guarantee compatibility – not even in the bedroom. Initial attraction is easy, connection is where things get complicated.
In my late teens and early twenties, I was confusing connection with sexual tension. And frankly, I think that’s a fairly common problem. The moment sexual tension was “released” is when I would lose sight of the connection I thought existed. Instead I began embracing sexual tension as a replacement for connection. Yikes.
Then I *grew up* and took my relationships fairly slow for a reason. Whether this way works for some or not, it’s about realizing that a sexual connection does not solely determine a relationship’s success.
