WHY dating is difficult…when men are, too! That is the question, and I have 3 main reasons. This post is for the ladies! To the dudes, you can read the post that answers your question as to why dating is difficult for guys.
Before we dive in, I feel I need to preface by saying, yes – of course – not all men. And yet not all women are easy to date, either, so there’s that.
The reality is dating and relationships over the last few decades has shifted dramatically. Men (for such “simple” creatures) can still be a handful, LOL, yet everyone and their mother knows it’s the same way the other way around.
Ladies, we also have to be willing to admit that we’re no cakewalk either, which is why I wrote this post with self-accountability in mind, too. So let’s peel behind the blinders as to why dating is difficult in this day in age when men are, too.
3 Reasons why dating is difficult today when men are, too
For starters, they’re pursuing less or in constant pursuit
When you think of “pursuing”, most probably think of courtship. Maybe you think of pursuing as in simply approaching someone or pursuing as in what they’re looking for short or long-term.
Either way, pursuing means proactivity and initiative. And men are making less moves (including the first move) let alone approaching, initiating and investing less.
Guys who don’t pursue are more your “go with the flow” type, and that’s not a guy looking to pursue anything with clear direction. This is someone who probably ghosts you, is emotionally “lazy”, unavailable, and leans on you to make the initial or initiated effort. I don’t know why I think of Flash the Sloth, but I picture someone who is just stagnant, indifferent, aloof, and unmoving.
Or they’re in chronic pursuit. On that front, there’s a lot of inconsistency, indecisiveness, apathy, and instability.
The constant “pursuer” is the Peter Pan type (Google that one in your spare time), where the phrase “never settle” is taken pretty literally here because it never seems like anyone is good enough, worth committing to or settling down for.
Chronic pursuers may say they’re looking for something, or someone, yet are lured by The Hunt, or constant opportunistic ventures. This may be the guy that shows initiative at first but interest fades pretty quickly and suddenly, or he ultimately prefers dating casually (“nothing serious“) with the freedoms of singlehood still attached.
The constant pursuer type doesn’t want to grow up and settle down with the right partner because he always has his sights set on the “next best thing” or “new adventure” that may potentially come along.
So, ladies, which of the two have you been guilty of entertaining?
They’re aggressively controlling or forfeiting any leadership
There’s a lot of guys out there who want to lead, but literally have no clue what that actually means and what that entails. They’re operating under the very self-absorbed, elementary level of so-called authority, or team captain, and they often act entitled to it by default.
Many guys believe being a leader is self-appointed, but what they fail to understand is that to be a true leader you must earn it.
For men who truly want to lead, they have to be willing to accept default responsibility – it’s a heavy weight to carry for a reason. Being a leader doesn’t mean a fancy title or rank, nor does it mean demanded or involuntary respect, having the upper hand and getting the last word.
It’s actually the opposite of what most think it means, and so many men are missing and abusing it. I actually wrote about it here if you care to read.
If you’re a woman who prefers a guy to lead, you won’t find that in a guy (Alpha male type) who is aggressive, controlling, combative, arrogant, and non-committal. You also won’t find that in the guy who is passive, hyper-sensitive, insecure, and unassertive.
For women who want a guy to take the lead, NEITHER of these provide a safe, secure place to land (in trusting/allowing men to take the lead).
Do you find yourself struggling when it comes to someone either not stepping up or who only seems to compete with you? It’s important to note that while men aren’t against a strong woman, they’re already up against all the other guys, which means they aren’t looking for a partner they have to compete with as well.
On the other end, more men are simply not taking the lead or any initiative, period. Again, Flash the sloth comes to mind.
Alas, there’s the presence of undeniable passivity among more men today, which has become rooted. It is a relinquishing of the reins, and many women are then willfully taking them over, not realizing this perpetuates the very issue we’re working against: parentifying or being his mother.
Relationship-speaking, we’ve ended up over-correcting a problem or teetering to the other extreme side.
If you are someone who doesn’t necessarily care about the whole leadership thing and more about a 50/50 partnership, yet find yourself being the one doing way over your half of the deal, there comes a time when to question whether or not you refuse to let go of the reins and to stop choosing guys who are A-okay with you accepting the lead.
Many women simply don’t feel truly safe with men
Whether overall lack of trust has been problematic for some time (over decades), has been increasing exponentially in recent generations or both is something to consider.
In and of itself, more women feel less safe in the presence of men. As a result, women are often exhibited as seeming to have this protective shield or armor. Can you relate?
Even I can, but it wasn’t until I met my husband and years into our marriage when I realized I had been wearing that shield like it was a badge of honor…and yet still complained about it.
Women do not feel safe with men who lack moral integrity on both sides of the extreme.
On one side, he is arrogant, aggressive, hyper-sensitive, overtly sexual, and non-committal, while lacking self-accountability, introspection and self-restraint. This is the guy who views you as beneath him and couldn’t care less how he makes you feel, nor does he have your best interest in mind or at heart.
This type of guy idolizes his pride, freedoms and sense of superiority. He can be flaky, controlling, condescending (judgmental), possessive/jealous, argumentative or conflict-avoidant, and numb to his own feelings and emotions. He lacks real emotional maturity and mental strength as well as deeply struggles with intimacy and vulnerability. Because, to him, that is a sign of “weakness” or inferiority.
Oftentimes women clash with this type of man because, as many would say, he is looking for a submissive/weak target he can “dominate” (to make as his inferior) that essentially exists to be in the kitchen/home and “make him a sandwich”.
To these men, women are often depicted and treated as property or subservient.
Women also do not feel safe with a man on the other side of the spectrum, who is like Flash the sloth. He is insecure, unassertive, unstable, extremely passive or passive-aggressive, and hyper-sensitive. This is the guy who also lacks real emotional maturity, direction and motivation, who operates in a way that says he expects to be carried and typically seeks a partner who will accept taking on the default load (responsibility).
Oftentimes women will also clash with this type of man because he is “lazy“, can’t or won’t step up, is not pulling his own weight nor is he an “equal partner”. You could say this is someone who isn’t looking for a Lover but another mother-figure who will assume the reins and carry all or the majority of the weight in the relationship. How does that make women feel safe and secure?
So what does this safety look and feel like?
- Being expressive (of thoughts, feelings, and emotions), not explosive, or withdrawn
- Being receptive and present (to feelings, emotions, sensuality/pleasure, and the receiving of Love; less distracted, withdrawn, and closed off)
- Holding space (for feelings and emotions) instead of resisting them or reacting to them
- Free-flowing yet grounded (unrestrained, moves through life with grace, confidence, willingness, stability and capability)
- Self-connected (intuitive, reflective, discerning, authentic, aware, honors herself [values, personal boundaries], self-worth, self-validated)
- Radiates (doesn’t shrink or become “small”)
- Nurturing (compassionate, empathetic, supportive, protective, kindness)
- Soft (tenderness, meekness, openness, patience, allowing) *This is NOT mistaken for weakness!
- Assertive and decisive (initiative, responsible, accountable, clear direction and intention, healthy boundaries, knows what she wants, asks for what she needs, has individual beliefs, thoughts and opinions)
- Trusting (forgiving, committing, humble, accepting, vulnerable, *surrendering) *Surrendering LITERALLY means to let go of what is not within your control; it also means to let go of control in order for the existence and presence of balance, peace and harmony.
When men help create a safe space can women truly feel safe and thrive. The alternative is women are more likely to become the opposite or unhealthy counterpart of those points. At the same time, women who aim to embody these points also help create a safe space for men to thrive, too.
Ladies, could you currently describe yourself as being any of those points or their opposite? Be honest. Let’s remember, no one is perfect here, and the point isn’t perfection but to acknowledge our hearts and how it may be steering us in the wrong or an unhealthy direction in terms of finding a partner.
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