People care more about protecting their socials, devices, and their digital world than their relationship, and it shows. Your significant other (SO) deserves respect on and off social media AND your devices. Why is this bold statement so triggering today?
Ask yourself, honestly, “Who gets your attention first/most? Who gets the “best” of you? Your phone, or your partner?“
Self-denial in [committed] relationships is drastically in decline. It’s those who take that statement or the word self-denial out of context in order to fit their own fixed beliefs. And we have the media itself mostly to thank for that.
Maybe it’s also a generational or societal conditioning thing (probably both). Either way, we have become obsessive and possessive over our socials and devices – especially when it comes to our relationships.
And as a Millennial, who was the starter generation in our technological, social, and digital advancement, it’s annoying AF to see how we’ve abused (and continue to abuse) what was meant to be a tool. I’ll never understand why the digital and technological aspects of our lives have dominated and become superior to the one thing humans desire most in life…when it’s literally right in front of them!
Newsflash #1: Your phone won’t love you back, and your social media platforms (your social identity, alter ego, or *escapism*) will never sustain your emotional fulfillment in the real world when you finally decide to stop scrolling on TikTok. In fact, I think you’ll find it often leaves you feeling emptier, which is why the scrolling and portrayal of real life online is so addicting.
The thing is: your socials and digital connection to others (and the world) can literally go POOF. If and when servers and the internet go bye-bye. And it’s not far off as far as I’m concerned, because who’s in control of that? Think about it. Newsflash #2: it isn’t you.
Yet somehow our digital devices and social platforms are never at fault or to blame for our unhappiness, discontentment, or relationship dissatisfaction. In fact, it’s used as a crutch or to fill a void for unhappiness. And we can’t trouble ourselves to lift the veil long enough to see its absolute destruction (just on our M I N D S)- including those who are all about taking social media “breaks”.
TBH, I feel like most want to remain resistant to the hidden truth – “it’s no longer all about you” – behind relationships. There’s this lack of reason in a growing self-absorbed world, and this is something I see that most cannot. Or they do, but they don’t want to, so they close and cover their eyes to truth.
When you enter a relationship it doesn’t mean you get to choose what aspects to respect or signify as vital importance. Well, actually, you do get to choose, but self-accountability is the residing issue. We simply cannot fathom being/taking/accepting accountability for our actions, choices, or beliefs. No, in fact, we’ve taken steps in justifying and avoiding accountability by denying the existence of (or better yet, consent to) consequences.
So lemme say it, friends: your digital world is not excused from [relationship] integrity just because it’s your property, privacy, or “inner world” to do with whatever you please. Unfortunately, our devices and social media outlets continue to be one big exception to that rule because of scary words like control, self-sacrifice, and manipulation – as if you’re not already succumbing to JUST THAT by participating in technology. So it’s about time many realize it’s actually your digital devices and social platforms doing more of the controlling and manipulating when your SO (and relationship) deserves the very pride, intention, attention, care, and respect you aimlessly put into it.
[*Obviously this topic doesn’t pertain to or condone the toleration of abuse of any kind. If you are experiencing abuse – or fear for your life – in your relationship, you should seek professional, legal help immediately. Taking to social media (publicly) could escalate and place you further at risk.]
Your relationship needs social media boundaries now more than ever
First of all, yes, digital boundaries can and should exist
Just like [hopefully] there are boundaries in your relationship apart from social media, your little digital world should be no different. When you intentionally and self-righteously claim a part of your life (and your self) to be off-limits, you are essentially compromising intimacy in your relationship as well as dismissing the regard for your relationship’s (and SO’s) best interest.
So as much as boundaries should be upheld and respected in the relationship, setting boundaries with yourself that benefit the quality of the relationship is equally important. Whether that be not scrolling on social media immediately following intimacy, no phone use at the dinner table, or silencing your phone during quality time together and important occasions (like your SO’s birthday dinner).
Check in with your SO before you post something on your socials that mutually involves sensitive information. Your SO does have a say in the matter in terms of their privacy. An example of this (and likely controversial) could be publicly sharing your miscarriage – your SO played an equal part, therefore is equally affected, and has a right to privacy, too.
It’s having the courtesy and respect of being open with your SO when it comes to trivial circumstances as well as your intentions, like when you receive a text from an ex-relationship (and it being your “right” to civilly engage with). Even if you know your intentions are honorable, your SO should still be worthy of transparency and honesty. Otherwise, what is the message you are sending and what message could your SO receive? There’s a very underrated level of courtesy to consider as you portray and interact with this digital version of yourself and your life on social media. It’s the simple courtesy of taking your SO’s feelings into account – considering how your intentions, behavior, and actions may be an effect.
It’s simple…don’t bad mouth your partner behind their back
There’s ‘being authentic‘ and there’s ‘oversharing‘. Well, if being authentic means venting (on social media) that sometimes your boyfriend is a jerk or your husband is a slob, then trust me when I say most of society already knows that what goes on in your relationship behind closed doors is far from being a perfect peach without needing to read about it. So, what exactly is it you are after – really? Advice? Relatableness? Attention? Praise? To go the length of bad-mouthing your SO to the open and relatively general public, it certainly isn’t for nothing.
Respect really isn’t that complicated, but, wow, have I seen my fair share of Facebook friends take to the Timeline Highway and rip their SO to shreds (and go the length of blocking them from seeing it). Even if they never mention their name or make it a “joke” – I gather these are the very individuals who would be up in arms if the same behavior was done to them. So what this behavior does is give everyone on your platform a negative persona of not only your relationship and your SO but also you.
And if the general pop knows the depths of your life and relationship, then your SO should, too
Honestly, what does the TikTok community do to [easily] gain such valuable, sensitive, and personal information about yourself, your life, and your relationship that your SO isn’t [rightfully] deserving of? And don’t say that social media or the online community has never broken your trust because it doesn’t value your trust to begin with.
Now really, ask yourself: would you be cool with coming across a post or comment from your SO voicing his personal issues with you and/or the relationship? Or worse, such as confiding in someone else about your relationship problems. I don’t know about you but that is not only a boundary violation for me, but blatant disrespect for the entity of a relationship and its foundation of trust. In some cases, it may even be grounds for infidelity. Emotional affairs are a real thing, guys, and it’s as easy as prioritizing someone else above your SO or the integrity of the relationship.
So if you’re going to vent in a status, DM, or comment to the public (friends, friends of friends, family, friends of family, complete strangers, and 3rd party haven’t-talked-to-in-years-or-if-ever acquaintances) about your relationship problems, then what you’re implying is 1. you couldn’t care less about respecting your SO’s feelings or trust, and 2. that people outside the relationship are deserving of access to you and your relationship.
Honestly, if that’s totally cool with you, then your SO should have the same access – I’m just spitting facts, here. It only seems fair because there may come a point where your SO begins to question your integrity, loyalty, and self-control.
It’s super easy to put our own little slice of digital personal space on a pedestal, where we often mistreat our SO as a restricted bystander – he’s jumping about waving his hands crazily behind a crowd of people (or the few) that get a front-row view of your inner world. And that’s not how relationships are meant to be! Just something to think about.
otherwise, what goes on in your relationship needs to stay within your relationship
If you’re in agreeance with any of the above, that’s because you probably uphold a standard as to how a relationship (including you) deserves to be treated when it comes to respect, privacy, and property – on and offline. That also means you hold yourself accountable for your end of that standard, by keeping drama within the relationship in the relationship only.
The number of times I’ve witnessed couples arguing over social media – deliberately posting degrading memes, blocking, unblocking, unfriending, dragging others into their problems who step in and threaten the relationship by changing their status – is unreal. And I find that those who are more likely to turn to this kind of behavior are those who spend way too much time on social media, curate what their relationship ought to look like based on what they see online, and make their platforms way too personal to begin with.
And it’s all very sad because nobody has the guts to stand up and say, “Yo, this should be between you and your partner, not for the world to know. Have some respect.” Yet at the same time it’s like throwing a bone to a pack of starving wolves – people (who you know and don’t know) will eat that sh*t up like it’s nobody’s business, including their own.
Hold yourself, your SO and your relationship to a much higher value on social media the same way you would in the real world.
and, point blank, there’s something wrong if you..
are at a place where you can’t follow or friend each other on social media
I’m sorry, but if you can’t engage or interact civilly in the online world that’s a pretty clear indication that you can’t do the same in the real world. This also suggests there are deep-rooted issues with secrecy, trust, unstable or non-existent boundaries, and control/self-control. So why even be together when the true meaning of a committed relationship is to share and conjoin your lives transparently?
have to blatantly hide what’s inside your phone + socials
This includes needing to keep your digital privacy out of eye’s reach from your SO. As much as I don’t condone anyone who feels entitled to prying and snooping through their SO’s privacy and property, the truth is that when trust exists in the relationship..
both.
partners.
won’t.
NEED.
to.
safeguard.
their.
sh*t.
You know why my husband lets me use his phone when I need without question, leaves his Facebook account logged in on our shared computer (without a second thought), or can scroll through his social media, comment on a post, chat, or text right next to me on the couch, even if I happen to see or be looking in that moment? Because 1. he trusts my respect for his privacy, and 2. he respects my trust in his integrity and transparency. This may be confusing, so let me unpack this a bit. He trusts I won’t go snooping and I can trust he has nothing to hide, and when both are mutually respected transparency SHOULD follow. Obviously, this goes both ways and doesn’t equate to entitlement – this is a privilege that can easily be broken and should be treated with great care.
Otherwise, if you’re always on active duty to protect your privacy from your SO then it’s no longer a relationship…it’s a corrupt form of government.
can’t change your relationship status appropriately
If changing your status to say ‘in a relationship‘ shouldn’t be considered a big deal, then take a moment and say to yourself, “if it’s not a big deal, then deleting my account entirely wouldn’t be either“.
I know, I know, I’m speaking to the wrong crowd. If my assumptions are correct, this is something women tend to struggle with moreover men.
With that, I find the whole refusing-to-change-my-relationship-status deboggle to be nothing more than an excuse for deceit, period. So, ladies, if you’re battling to get a guy to exclusively commit to you on social media (when he clearly has them – active or not), he is simply not willing to commit for reasons not even worth fighting for.
obsessively AND “UNNECESSARILY” snoop and police your SO’s socials + phone
Again, I don’t condone it. Even when trust has been broken. Why? Because having oversight of your SO’s privacy and property won’t make him more honest or more loyal to you. You cannot change someone’s behavior or control someone’s choices. Besides, why should you need to prove your value and worth? Let them show you themselves.
I know this seems ass-backward, but digging through his texts or prying through his socials on a regular basis (because maybe he lied or cheated) will only make him more resentful, likely to keep more secrets from you, and more willing to defy doing right by you and the relationship. The only thing this will teach him is how to better avoid getting caught the same way this behavior will show him your “crazy” side (even when you’re not).
Granted it may give you this sense of relief or control, but it actually inhibits true forgiveness (remember, forgiveness is not a matter of forgive and forget) as well as prevents the relationship from ever rebuilding transparency and mutual trust, and growth. And isn’t that the goal? So if this is your struggle, you might need to reconsider why you’re fighting tooth and nail to stay in the relationship you’re in.
can’t be in the presence of your SO without going on social media
With this blog, as well as the online community that comes with my job, it’s an understatement to say how difficult this can be. But I have had to be intentional with allowing myself to be present without being tied to my online business 24/7. Let’s be real, we carry around our phones like babies on our hips. We treat our phones and our socials like they are babies. If you were born in the late 80s or early 90s, remember the Giga Pets? I think that’s what they were called. Those little key chain-like devices where you could either care for a digital puppy, baby, or some other creature? THAT. It’s no wonder we have such a gross attachment to our phones, in the same manner. So at the sound of that ping from a text – bam, you’re reaching for your phone to read that text without even thinking about it.
In the end, it can be easier to prioritize connecting with your phone (and social community) over connecting with your SO. Think about it – our phones are always readily available…our SO may not. And at times our need to connect feels constant, where your time spent not scrolling, liking, and commenting gets shorter in between.
Nobody enjoys feeling like second fiddle to the rest of the world, let alone having to compete with a piece of hardware and software. And you can’t sound the alarm when your SO is ‘creepily checking in on your social timeline, comments, and likes‘ if you, too, are spending more of your time connected to your digital world.
But that’s beside the point. If you can’t go out on a date without reaching for your phone – to do God knows whatever – there’s a problem. When you instinctively need to take your phone into the bathroom with you, where you wind up spending longer than necessary in there because of it…there’s a problem. If you can’t sit at the dinner table with your SO without your phone within eye view or arm’s reach…there’s a problem. If you find yourself often scrolling through social media while sitting on the couch with your SO (whether you’re talking, cuddling, engaging, or not)…there’s a problem. The problem has to start somewhere, which you subconsciously end up feeding, justifying, and enabling over time – out of convenience, boredom, or because your SO mirrors similar behavior.
Am I saying never ever use your phone around your SO or because you’re in a relationship, period? No, how unrealistic of me, but it’s learning to be more mindful and intentional of use before it becomes a silent suspect to your relationship problems. It’s about doing what is necessary to break those habitual patterns. It’s bringing awareness to its negative impact and hindering connection in your relationship.
The reliance on cell phones has already replaced so many things in life (like having an alarm clock), but it should never become a valuable distraction or a replacement for your significant other.
can’t have mature discussions in situations of conflict or controversy
Trivial moments on social media are bound to happen. Would many describe these as moments of jealousy, suspicion, or boundary violations? Absolutely, but most find these to be petty, irrelevant, blown out of proportion, or seemingly destructive to a relationship’s foundation in nature. Granted, ongoing issues with trust and chronic jealousy are a whole other ballgame requiring a different approach, so I’m not exactly referring to that here.
Say your SO saw something they didn’t like on your social media and confronted you about it. It wouldn’t be uncommon for your gut reaction to say, “He’s trying to control what I do on social media – he’s trying to control what’s MINE.” Then comes the streamline of assumptions and perceptions appointing your SO to be none other than the enemy, working against you, regardless of the circumstances. Because it’s social media – our private, online digital world – it means something different so we treat it differently. And we are so quick to defend it – too quick.
It could be as simple as sending the wrong message – what’s implied – to your SO or your SO receiving a different message than you intended. Like the time you responded to your ex-boyfriend’s comment (more like compliment) on your new profile picture with a heart emoji. And that’s just one measly example.
I had an EX who couldn’t and refused to talk about why he was suddenly befriending “clients” from work on social media. And I’m talking all of a sudden..in bulk. Not coworkers, but random customers – other women – that he met and interacted with going in and out of his workplace. Later did I realize he was meeting up with these so-called “friends”/clients [women] after work in the late-night hours at bars nearby… behind my back…while I was home sleeping. Did he lie about it? Not necessarily, but he also felt it wasn’t in my best interest to know or question why. This created an avalanche of our already existing issues. It took stumbling upon a tagged photo of him from a night out with another woman on his account for me to see the other red flags I was unaware of. So when confronted, he took my suspicions as an attack on his character, moral, and freedom above all else. He saw no suspicion or “wrong” in his actions, how it would affect my feelings, or whether this behavior would negatively influence our relationship at all. He didn’t care.
The moral of the story is you may do or say something on your platform (or pertaining to device usage) that can have a different, consequential effect on your SO and the relationship. Boundaries can be crossed. And if you can’t discuss moments of conflict pertaining to social media, then you most likely aren’t able to do the same offline. Unintended or not, if the relationship matters…your significant other’s feelings will matter more than upholding online privileges.
social media has a bigger impact on aspects of your life than you want to believe
Your phone is now your personal library for everything. Your social media has become your digital persona for connecting and socializing. And many receive this sense of belonging from it. So of course it’s hard to imagine life without it because if the internet just somehow turned into the blue screen of death, the scary question would remain for many, “What will I do – who am I, really – without it?”
That’s because we don’t use social media the way it was intended anymore. It has literally become this falsified, brainwashed face of our reality. If you’ve ever seen the movie Wall-E, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Hence when you have those moments, as you finally put your phone down for more than 30 seconds, you get that feeling, “Holy crap, there’s actually more to life and a whole other world right in front of me.”
In worse cases, this might even make you feel lonely (disconnected from yourself, your SO, and the world) helpless, exhausted, or insignificant. So you end up relying on your digital device and socials even more. And that’s not something you want dictating the way you live and the quality of your life. Because believe it or not, it has the ability to do further damage to yourself and your relationship from the inside out, so don’t allow a falsified digital world to stand between you and your significant other.
Wake up from your digital psychosis and focus on the tangible aspects of your life that truly matter.
