Online dating is the new normal, then why is it so hard?

I see this question so often nowadays. It’s funny because when online dating first came about, it was hard then, too. We knew this, because people have been having strictly online-based relationships for years, and we know how most of those end up. Yet here we are. where instantaneous, online connections are easily considered the new norm today, so what’s the problem?

Remembering 10+ years ago (like, 2009), online dating was so different compared to now. I almost looked at online dating like a cheat sheet – eek! It was a mass platform of people all supposedly looking for the same thing and embracing the one quality to online dating success: vulnerability.

I was never more wrong about that. So, *forewarning*, this is not a post for the faint-hearted.

[Related: (watch the video) Online Dating Dangers MORE People Need To Be Aware Of]

As if instant gratification wasn’t a thing when online dating first started, IMO, it has since then proven to dominate the means of human connection. I mean now you can literally swipe on friendships. At least when I first started online dating judgment was a bit more passive, not insanely aggressive or obtrusive.

Seriously, it’s no wonder the world is so easily offended and feels entitled to be by anything and everything.

But if there’s one thing that remains unchanged is that online dating itself is a double-edged sword. It does allow people to be more vulnerable, to put everything out on the line and be themselves in such a way that is more casual and comfortable (behind a screen). Unfortunately with that you are exposed to the entire spectrum of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly truths.

This is why so many go in, trek through and come out with their guard up in and out of relationships. But the reality is, dating has it’s own complications – dating in itself is a risk. And there’s a newfound sensitivity to that understanding, which makes online dating incredibly difficult and taxing for many.

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11 Reasons why online dating is so hard [and is only getting worse]

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people give in too easily – or – not enough

there’s nothing left to the imagination

While it’s not for me to judge what information, and how much visually is revealed on someone’s dating profile, I do know there will always be that fine line in making yourself entirely vulnerable to those who will use that to their advantage.

And I believe some things are meant to be private for a reason, or two… or three. What someone is willing to reveal right out the gate, like dishing out your number straight away (to those that ask for it) or in your dating profile, will have different impressions for others aside from the impression that is intended.

Sure we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but we can get a pretty good first impression from reading a book’s excerpt. And in many cases, that’s when you’ll decide whether the book is even worth reading. Online dating was practically designed to give you just that. Remember? It was all about not wasting people’s time and effort and energy.

So it’s important to understand that you set the standard to how you want to be perceived and the type of people you want to attract versus who attracts you. Only you are in control of you, not of anyone else.

the “small fish in a big pond” mentality can do more harm than good

Meaning limitless options can have you questioning your standards…making them unrealistic, or ridding of them.

I will be the first one to admit it. As arrogant as it sounds, I thought that as soon as my profile went active I would have the rush of winks, likes and messages just come streaming in to no end. So many that the difficult part would be narrowing them down. I thought I would be opening myself to a whole.new.world of people with a zero-bs mentality.

I had the “small fish in a big pond” outlook for sure, and leaned more on the optimistic side since online dating apps were fairly *new* and becoming *normalized*.

That mentality can quickly be the death of confidence as you soon realize the falsified, pretty picture online dating sites like to paint on the outside.

Uhh… have you seen the people Eharmony and Match use in their commercials??

It’s deceptive. And I’m not going to lie – for me, I became overwhelmed by disappointment fairly quickly and on-and-off throughout my 4-year experience. You may feel like you’re that fish trudging – not swimming – through a cesspool. Not an ocean, river, lake, or even man-made pond, but that stagnant gutter water where mosquito larvae form. You may be getting the DMS like crazy, but I’ll bet most are from the people you should not be responding to. 1. They’re likely spam accounts (fake people look for money) or 2. They’ve been around the block more times than is worth toying with.

[Related Read: The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received – And Totally Ignored]

Or maybe it’s not as big of a pond like you thought, or you’re one within the slim margin that is in total shock when the waters are seemingly clear, tasteful, and actually contain more species of tropical fish than bottom feeders. Either way limitless options, and the options you’re given, can leave you feeling absolutely discouraged. This can lead you to settle for just about anything that nibbles, or stay hooked on the catch-and-release method in hopes to attract bigger, better fish.

In a mental state of desperately hoping and wanting success, you soon realize the bigger picture: you are one of many fish in the big pond to someone else.

The problem is when you begin to question your worth, lose sight of yourself and what you want, and begin to alter your values, standards, and expectations in order to increase your chances of success.

This, alone, can jeopardize your online dating experience the most.

“nice” guys are not only wolves in sheep’s clothing, but “good guys” are considered boring

I’m partial because I married one of the genuinely ‘good guys’ – you know, the guy you’d probably label as the ‘friend’-type. #noregrets

BUT, I do know there’s a distinction going on in the land of men who claim and label themselves as being “one of the nice guys”. I understand this difference – I really do – in moderation. Because there’s also this stigma behind “nice” and “good” (or simply put, a healthy relationship) being labeled as boring, dull, or the safe option because, apparently, they’re everywhere. Some will even say to take a look at all the guys you’re ‘Just Friends‘ with, that’s them. So they really aren’t that rare – this is true. You can get a sense of this by how often you lose interest in the midst of conversation – *yawn*. Annnnnd because there’s something “missing” you just slowly stop responding, am I right?

Unfortunately ‘nice’ isn’t dysfunctional, chaotic, triggering, provoking, or sexy. Nice somehow means passive, bland, easy, and weak. They’re just not a “challenge” for you. Nice is also too healthy, too predictable in the sense that this person won’t need your direction, attention, helping, or fixing (nor will that kind of person willfully give you the same). That level of energy just doesn’t get the adrenaline pumping (often mistaken for chemistry). Therefore it doesn’t excite or attract you, keep you on your toes, give you this false sense of security and comfort through “anxiousness”, or have this fiery climactic passion-like feels.

Those butterfly feelings are so overrated, anyway. It’s hummingbird-feels to be had these days. I mean, have you SEEN how those things fly?!

The dating focus is no longer about genuine connection or integrity. It’s not about finding someone grounded in themselves, personally responsible, or accountable. Most people are artists these days – always trying to paint or mimic this ideal image of who they need or want someone to be in order to match their energy or emotional environment.

Then there’s that subconscious difficultly accepting others for who they are simply because we struggle to acknowledge and accept the painful parts of ourselves the most. Some have been deeply conditioned to believe they are not worthy of something that is consistent, safe, peaceful, and harmonious because those are qualities (in others, such as parental figures or family members) that were likely never modeled. So it’s as true as they say the relationships you experienced (that were modeled and you were exposed/conditioned to) growing up mirror the very relationships you will seek in your adult life. And most are entirely blind to it.

same type, different guy

Everyone has a type. I think people think their type has everything to do with compatibility, but that’s far from the actual case. Many also know they have a type that is wrong for them. Some aren’t willing to admit that, but they’re convinced that sticking to their guns will one day earn them Mr. Right in a toxic sea of wrong.

Look I’m all for going after the man of your dreams, but at some point, you have to understand the negative effects of self-abandonment. In my opinion, when you have had a considerable number of failing relationships – maybe all fairly similar in ways – it’s time to start assessing all the negative behaviors from self-betrayal you now consider normal.

For example, many have this ideology that all men are cheaters and liars. Call me crazy, but if you’re leading with a lack of self-trust, you will ultimately attract and sought after that very quality.

Unfortunately, it’s in our nature to cling to familiarity, or repetitive patterns and behaviors (even if we know their hurtful or wrong for us). Familiarity is safe – it’s security. That between the choice of your type and someone you know is right for you, most will spin the bottle toward the familiar choice. It’s what they already know – it’s comfortable, predictable, and secure – all the way down to the likely negative consequences along with it. It’s like heartache that is predictable, or foreseen, is better than a What-If or the unknown of the opposite.

In this sense, you have confused having a type with negative conditioning, and online dating is deeper exposure to that.

too much, too fast, too soon

I wasn’t one to rush into anything, and I made that very clear early on. I waited weeks before simply exchanging numbers and setting a date to meet.

Let’s just say some were patient and respectful, and many pretended they were but clearly weren’t. Some didn’t bat an eye and disappeared once they knew I wasn’t going to take the bait from the getgo – haha, joke’s on them. I even had guys message me, and right off the bat ask to meet for coffee, give me their number, or ask for mine prior to me even responding.

Sure, I’m supposed to live like today might be my last… but, no, not literally.

The reality is it doesn’t take very long to get a glimpse of someone’s true colors over exchanging messages. You may have to read between the lines to catch those who are content having you in their carousel, but insincerity and inauthenticity usually crack fairly easily. And FYI, because this isn’t said enough: not all red flags are coming from others.

Granted, impatience may work for some. But in the big scheme of things putting all your eggs into one basket can backfire, and this can leave you 10 steps behind where you were when you started. Success isn’t a guarantee just because you multi-task, work fast-paced, or think you know what you’re doing and where you’re going to justify skipping a few steps to get ahead.

being anonymous is suggestive, not mysterious

Again when considering initial impressions, if you are too vague, private, and evasive it can be perceived differently than you intend.

It doesn’t make you mysterious, nor does it automatically mean others will be at their knees wanting to get to know you more.

At least not for the right reasons.

Revealing too little can suggest that you are resistant, closed off, and distrusting (of the online process or dating in general). On the flip side, revealing too much by openly requesting attention, validation, or approval of oneself from anyone who’s willing to give it (which will usually come from those of similar needs).

And that’s the cold, hard truth.

So know this: what you put in (or not) is what you will get back.

people give up too quickly – or – beat the dead horse

it’s only high speed internet, not a dating sprint

I dated online collectively for over F O U R years. You think there weren’t times I wanted to quit? Absolutely – many times. I took much-needed breaks for my mental well being, and simply when times in my life got hectic (with my job, school, or heartache), but I never said,

“Nope, I’m done – this doesn’t work – screw it.” *Deletes profile*

Dating is not a sprint – like any relationship and even marriage – which is no different online. Yet it was supposed to be easy and effortless through vulnerability and wide exposure.

It is and it isn’t, which can destroy you if you confuse and abuse the two.

I won’t say that online dating is a commitment, but it should be treated as one. A commitment that also doesn’t consume your life, which is where the path can turn thick, muddy and into quicksand. Your mental health and well-being comes first – always, always – but dating online is also not something you jump on and off of repetitively out of failure, disappointment, and frustration.

That’s desperation looking to fill a void that dating or a relationship won’t fix. So when you’re hurting, that’s not a cue to start dating.

online dating burnout is literally a thing

I see this all the time, and it’s symptoms stand out like a sore thumb. But I would be bat-sh*t crazy to tell someone they need to take a break from looking for love.

Believe me, I tried. Failed. Miserably. And the same old same old continued.

Yet it’s true. Girl, you really might be experiencing a dating burn-out if you find you’re sick and tired of Love altogether.

Is it a weird concept to grasp that you have the ability to carry over negative energy, learned patterns, and behaviors from one person to another? Instead, you remain convinced that the problem isn’t you, it’s everyone else, and the cycle continues. Maybe you implement some changes, but they’re seemingly surface-level because the root problem always seems to return (grow back).

This was me once, and I noticed the pattern as I quickly bounced from one person to the next. I was also still very young, impressionable and thought I was invincible (that it was everyone else who needed to change). I wasn’t the type to date multiple guys at once, so for instance, from one person I carried over generalizing, then the next person I carried insecure attachment, and codependency thereafter.

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This all never truly surfaced for me until nearly 10 years later. Yet, my previous unhealthy relationships weren’t the cause – my struggle with codependent tendencies began at childhood.

See where I’m going with this? In time I learned my relationships were mirroring my upbringing and dysfunction from family relationships as well as my social environment. My unhealthy relationships would frequently activate feelings of jealousy, insecurity and distrust as well as cause me to over-give (to mold and perform in order to maintain someone’s loyalty and win their approval) or to shut down and withdraw emotionally. So as difficult as this may be to hear (like it was for me at 19)… regardless of who is the cause for your pain, healing is still your responsibility.

And when you don’t, the dating burnout cycle continues.

[Related Read: Why You Need To Stop Desperately Looking For A Relationship]

allowing a handful of bad people crumble the hope for success

While I will say I didn’t have as many first dates as those might think in the span of 4 years – approximately 6 or 7 including my now husband – I still had negative experiences. I talked with more people than I met in person, and with good reason. At the end of the day I got to know people for who they were – without having to meet them face to face – to know that I didn’t want to pursue more. And I did this by following my gut. You can do that while also “wearing your heart on your sleeve”.

By leading with my instincts I was able to see more clearly. I had the ability to weed through those with negative intentions and apprehend any red flags without a second thought or doubt. There were many people I didn’t give the time of day, just as those didn’t give me, and I don’t believe that makes me a bad person. I didn’t owe a.single.person who approached me anything. Protecting my peace and safety was priority.

Countless times I had to swallow my own pride, not take things so personally and to understand that others were in the same yet different boat as me. I was called names, labeled as things, generalized as a woman and even told that I needed all the luck in the world if I ever wanted to find someone who would Love me.

Haha.

And that’s what I had to train myself to do, honestly. Laugh it off knowing that person would have it handed to them one day. Besides, out of billions of people in this world, I didn’t want to allow a select few to ruin my hopes, let alone get that kind of special access to my ego. And I knew playing the victim in every negative circumstance wouldn’t bring me that much closer to what I wanted.

I had to learn and understand that sometimes when life throws obstacles your way, the only way out is through.

too many available options can mess with a good thing

Sometimes we don’t know when to stop because we’re too worried about missing out on something better or regretting a decision later on. This also means that whatever we do have will never be enough.

In the online dating world, that mentality can leave you stuck in the same place on repeat.

If you were to consider reality TV shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, you notice the growing difficulty narrowing down the last handful of contestants. Each person having a unique quality different from the rest, which means nobody is above the other, but that in the end the person they choose will always lack something someone else had.

In a perfect world, everyone would quite literally be the same, making the decision easy. But when you’re equally indecisive about more than one person to choose, at that point no one will be enough and the practical answer is choosing none.

And if you’re truly monogamous, that’s really not a position you will ever want to be in.

Online dating may be the face of limitless opportunities, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t set limits (or boundaries) for yourself.

the only sound are that of crickets

This one may surprise you, or you may be thinking, “Welcome to the story of my online dating life.“

Sometimes you may feel like you are I N V I S I B L E.

Let me rephrase that… you will at some point. Instead it may come off as the excuse that there’s just nobody interesting because you’ve seen them all, been there done that, period.

If you must know, I went through more periods (than actual dates) where I was endlessly scrolling to find, or getting matched up with the saaaaaame people for days, weeks and even months. I had my own moments of crickets, and in the beginning I filled my head with the most negative thoughts, and eventually, it took a toll on my attitude. In turn my piss poor attitude caused me to treat people differently, and for those to see me in this negative light.

Which, believe it or not, lead to more crickets.

You forget that while new people are signing up every single day, it doesn’t guarantee to take effect to your account in real-time.

BUT, wait. As also someone with a degree in web design and development, I will let you in on the other side of my two cents. If you know that apps like Facebook and Instagram have an algorithm of its own (if you didn’t know, now you do) that determines who sees what, when and why in terms of what you post and share on social media, who you engage with for how long and how often… then it would be obvious for dating sites to utilize a similar method.

Therefore active, engaged accounts I can guarantee are pushed to the top tier in search, appearance, and match results. So it’s just something to keep in mind as you are swiping left incessantly, ignoring your messages, or literally taking a snoozer in the back row. IE. you haven’t logged on in days or weeks.

Dating sites want you to be engaged, active, and open-minded – as you are checking your preferences and scaling your ideal age range and match distance. This goes all the way down to the keywords you use in your dating profile, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go in and revamp my bio and pictures every now and then. They also want you to be initiative, like reaching out to people and utilizing whatever silly options they have to connect with others – such as the wink, wave, swipe right, or heart. And it wouldn’t surprise me if they track how many times you’ve swiped left versus right, which dictates the quality, number, and circulation of matches you receive.

That’s not to say the sound of crickets isn’t a real thing, but it’s important to keep in mind that they’re usually temporary as much as they are also dependent on the overall effort you put in.