*Disclaimer: this post is not directed to those who personally do not believe in marriage, have zero intentions to be married, and make that very clear in their relationships.
*Second disclaimer: For the MEN in the comments touting hand and fist that there’s nothing in it for men (marriage), or that no man actually wants to get married anymore…if you’re so passionate about this, then go OFF on the men who are using women as a test drive.
*Third disclaimer: before you just jump ahead to the good stuff (which will either be super triggering or difficult to understand), PLEASE read the entire post because it contains information that may resonate or apply to YOU.
UGH, why so many disclaimers, seriously?!
Ladies – all aspiring wives out there – this post is for you. *Psst, and you might want to go read the comments after – they’re mostly men acting like chickens with their heads cut off.
It’s pretty obvious, that the dynamic of dating and relationships (even marriage) has changed dramatically over the years. Great for some, and not so for others. Regardless, we as people have changed, especially in how we approach, maintain, tolerate, and overall treat our relationships. Hell, the opposite sex in general.
Couples are committing, but the commitment of marriage is actually in decline. Again, I’m not talking about those who have no aspiration for the legality of marriage. With that in mind, there’s also a factor that keeps many relationships from reaching that point, and is a likely reason why he continues to talk the talk but won’t walk the walk on that level of commitment.
So if there’s anything I took away from dating is: never treat a relationship like a “marriage”. And too many couples in relationships are doing just that. Granted, I may be talking completely out of my own a**, but if you’re wondering why he won’t marry you (put a ring on it), when he says “otherwise”, then this post may enlighten you.
Aspiring wives, this is why he won’t marry you (put a ring on it)
I know you already know this, but let me give you the logistics of a marriage. It is a union, a monogamous partnership under Law, a religious ceremony between two people, and a holy covenant before God. In whatever way it applies deepest to you – marriage is the legal binding of two people becoming one. It is the deepest form of commitment…and for that exact reason.
Therefore, if he has no incentive of wanting marriage or ever marrying, then
1. hopefully he has made that very clear early on in your relationship,
and 2. this post is irrelevant because you only have two options.
Hopefully you already know what they are.
But there’s really no avoiding it. There are those in this world who just can’t or won’t commit on that level (by legal documentation of marriage). Is that their prerogative? Absolutely. Is it your responsibility to try and change that? No, sis. Now, sure, can “refusal” be a sign that they are simply not ready? Unfortunately, yes. And again, it is not your responsibility to make him ready, nor is it your responsibility to wait until he is.
So who AM I actually talking about in this post exactly? Those with all talk and no action. Those who take, take, take beyond what they’re willing to measure up to.
Now let me summarize some of the most common characteristics of a marriage, whether you believe all of these to be true of your marital style or not. *Take note as to what/if any characteristics may be currently applied to your relationship.
It is the conjoining of your lives as one – this may be through mutual goals, life aspirations, partnership, and companionship. For example, you would conjoin your financial paths (or bank accounts) and all aspects within it, divide and conquer household responsibilities, duties, and tasks based on roles or whatever system WORKS for both of you, and each abiding by integrity, respect, courtesy, transparency, trust, and loyalty when it comes to the struggles you face together as well as the human experience – for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.
You might even say, “…but I don’t have to be married in order to attain any of those characteristics in my relationship.”
BINGO. And for those who aspire to marry, that’s the issue I am addressing. Far too many “relationships” contain marital roles without followed expectations.
I’ll say it louder for those in the back,
More men refuse to marry because they know they can get all the aspects of marriage without the commitment of marriage.
And maybe that’s the issue; when GOD – that spiritual, Holy covenant – is taken out of the picture. Man, or *we*, have literally dumbed down what marriage represents – hello, piece of paper – which gives way to depreciate that covenant, or commitment. Because without that level of commitment, what even is marriage? Oh, right…legal documentation (for the government) that, what, you basically have *rights* over each other or worldly formalities [*protection*] against one another? Ohpe, I did just say that one out loud – my apologies.
YET time and time again I continue to hear this phrase pop up between the cracks. I even picked my husband’s brain and asked him, “Why does it seem that more men nowadays won’t marry the woman they’ve been with long-term?” His initial, blunt response:
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
At first, not going to lie, I was a bit taken back. Shocked. Pissed, in fact, because 1. he was reaffirming that men view marriage as more of a sacrificial burden (in their lives), or like this -> legality > covenant (commitment), and 2. such focus on the *burden* implies that women are not worthy of that commitment because of what characteristics a relationship possesses without it. And for women who aspire marriage, and to be a wife, that essentially looks like being completely taken advantage of.
The difficult reality: we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Does displaying “wifely” marital qualities and characteristics in your relationship have a negative impact on “making an honest woman of you”? Are men simply taking advantage of these desirable qualities? Is it because they’re innately given to them by a woman’s progression of feelings?
I think we always fail to realize the stiff division between men and women that remains unchanged:
While women continue to live in Love through more emotion, men continue to live in Love through more logic.
Men don’t see a [logic] need to get married when the relationship can possess all the same qualities while women do because the deeper commitment is emotionally/spiritually binding. Need I remind the triggered men on this topic that God made women for men (Eve for Adam), because men need women. Otherwise why would God decide that Adam is to have a helpmate? *This point is not to boast, but to point out how men and women were designed compatibly – to compliment and submit to one another.
ANYWAY. The logic for men still stands with, “Why let a piece of paper dictate the strength and loyalty of my relationship when I am already exhibiting everything in a marriage without it?”
It’s simple: if you think that way, then marriage is not for you, but you don’t THINK nor SPEAK for all men (including those who also aspire the covenant and commitment of marriage *beyond* that “piece of paper”). God didn’t say marriage is for everyone nor that everyone should be married – he designed marriage, in simpler terms, because he knew it was better for a man to marry [and be with one woman] if he couldn’t keep it in his pants. In a more beautiful, poetic stance God also designed marriage to mimic the relationship between Christ and his bride (the church). But none of that seems to tickle the fancy of this modern age – people much prefer to be their own God and make their own rules.
Ladies – we desperately need to understand, realize and come to terms with what fails us in finding someone who actually values and honors marriage as a form of commitment, or a covenant. It might call for a change in our habits, patterns, thinking or [conditioned] belief system. This may involve going against the grain of what you think you know about relationships (and what everyone else is doing and tells you to do). This means rethinking certain behaviors or decisions made in your relationships, taking things much slower, as well as heed the warnings that don’t meet or align with your values and life aspirations.
The investment, decisions, behaviors, and milestones in your relationship are not to be taken lightly – especially if your expectations hope to lead to marriage. For example,
Settling in your roots
- Moving in together
- Buying a house together (under both your names)
- Codependency
- Staying over each other’s place repetitively, or for long periods
- Treating his place like it’s your place, and your place like his place (leaving personal items, exchanging keys to each other’s places, having open access to come and go freely, or making aesthetic changes without official co-habitation)
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
Not only acting like a house wife but his mom, too
- Feeling “responsible” for his basic needs (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) – *there’s a difference between feeling responsible and doing this out of the kindness of your heart (but knowing when this is being taken for granted!)
- Having to make [“unnecessary”] demands/reminders (reminding him to file for his taxes, or to pick up his tux for your sister’s wedding) – *if he’s a mature, grown-a** man, there’s no need for this
- Carrying the mental load – whether it be pertaining to the relationship or basic life skills (date night, routine check-ins with each other, resolving or addressing conflict)
- Picking up after him – *especiallyyyy if you live separately yet still do this at “his” place – no, MA’AM
- Taking care of his personal and survival needs all the while he *insists* that you do by simply avoiding taking care of himself – basically, he knows you’ll come to the rescue and do something when all he has to do is neglect it.
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine
- Paychecks
- Paying the bills (or his bills on top of yours)
- Getting a loan together (house, car, etc.) or loaning large amounts of money (for school, starting a business, etc.)
- Conjoining bank accounts or getting a joint credit card
- Making big, adult decisions together (financially, career-wise, etc.)
- Financial dependence (one sole provider in the relationship); meaning, one person doesn’t work NOR do they make any contribution whatsoever
- Assisting in debt (debt that likely won’t get paid off *unless* help is received) – you’re not responsible for!
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
Am I saying that we should refrain from pursuing growth in our relationships?
It may seem that way, but no, absolutely not. We shouldn’t have to sit back and think, “Am I cooking too much for him? Could he be taking advantage of this and not see a reason to..[be exclusive, move in together, get married]?”
Unfortunately – yes – all of those wonderful qualities you bring into the relationship can be taken advantage of. And in many relationships where feelings, honesty, effort, and the willingness to commit aren’t mutual, they are in fact being taken for granted.
Living together involves gaining all the selfish perks of companionship and, well, an open invitation for more sex. I’m sorry, but it’s like test-driving a Porsche, experiencing and using it in all it’s glory, without the intent of buying it. So being a housewife, or his mother, gives him the inclination that you are more than willing to – yup, here it comes – do it all, to take on the load (the mental and emotional load, too) and take care of him without conditions or limitations. AKA you’re allowing him to drive that Porsche off the freaking lot! This is not the same as discovering compatibility – that’s what dating is for!
But, listen, if that’s your thing -#housewife or #wifelife goals – that’s awesome – and admirable – but that doesn’t mean you should be taken for granted by someone who isn’t willing to honor the end goal of making you that wife.
In turn, these duties may become anticipated and expected yet not reciprocated, especially when we’re dealing with the money talk among couples. Being financially open together, or you being more financially open for him (when he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself), exposes your undying support without any sense of “reimbursement”. Ok, ok, ok, let’s call it “reinvestment” – like insurance. Sad, but true and necessary.
Notice I didn’t even mention sex as a factor. I wish I could, and I would, but let’s be real here – we live in the 21st century. Sex is no longer sacred, thanks to Hookup Culture and the normalization of casual [premarital] sex. Not shaming anyone, here, because even I am guilty of engaging in the same, but there’s still truth in this! Nowadays, if people want sex they can have and get sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone, regardless. It’s become a topic that is simply untouchable in the realm of instant gratification, sexploration and sexual liberation.
So with already bearing marital qualities in a relationship – what reason is a man given to want to marry? **hint hint** It should be integrity, but, you know, that would just be too easy.
It should be simple, right? He should feel blessed – privileged, even, to have found such an incredible woman. He should see those qualities as a rarity – something to be cherished. He should simply go to any length to hold onto and honor that, and you.
I will always believe that balance is the spice of life – everything is all in moderation. As I continue to talk with my husband on this subject, he affirms without an ounce of hesitance:
“You can’t dive in [within a relationship] full throttle. You have to give him a little ‘taste’ of what you have to offer in the relationship, but with the expectation of a deeper commitment needing to be fulfilled in the end. This is NOT ‘playing hard to get’ nor is this standard ‘too high’.“
And we wonder why courtship and chivalry is hung on the clothes line to dry these days.
Everything is attributed to being a mind game – we want the removal of all BS (which, I get) as well as the undertones of the things we now label as unnecessary and ‘too much‘. Chivalry and courtship among the very things deemed unnecessary and ‘too much’ [effort]. Therefore I think we [men and women] really have rid of a lot of self-respect in this regard toward relationships and marriage – that they should be treated as either solely a business OR non-committal (casual, no strings attached). All in the name of ‘avoiding’ the BS and mind games.
I will be the first to admit that I made the choice in bearing many of these “wifely” qualities while dating my husband. At the same time, I was also super lucky to have had a partner who understood [..my traditional values in courtship..] and allowed me to express my expectations of commitment (marriage), while also reaffirm them along the way. Talk of marriage was a constant in our relationship, not avoided, deflected, or shrugged off. Our goal was never with the intent to lead one another on to a dead-end.
This is a major part of the problem most women face in the first place – many not feeling safe expressing their aspiration for marriage or their expectations within commitment. There’s more often the fear of losing someone that supersedes our needs being met. Does that fear ultimately change the outcome? I highly doubt it. But, inarguably, many men are not doing their part in creating that safe space and environment for women.
My husband knew my expectations fairly early on in our relationship. And, no, it’s never too early to discuss your life aspirations – as in marriage. You’re not saying, “Let’s get married right now“, you’re simply stating, “This is what I aspire for myself in life – if you’re not on the same page as me, then let’s not waste our time.” Granted, maybe I didn’t mention that I was ready for marriage on the first date, but when talk came of our relationship “long-term” and there were innuendos about moving in together, this prompted discussions about our life aspirations and marital expectations. That,
A | I would not be making the jump to move in together with the intent to ‘play house‘, but with the incentive of building our relationship towards finalizing that deeper commitment. And,
B | that in doing so, I was not subjected to being his “wifey” [a spouse], nor would I be viewed as or expected to be one. Meaning, I was not relied on as a cook, maid, or caretaker. Though we shared/expressed similar values in traditional gender roles, our partnership was very EQUITABLE in terms of household and financial responsibilities.
and C | He had absolutely zero say in the use of my money – just as I had zero say in his – for as long as our mutual/shared financial responsibilities were being met. But that as our relationship progression continued, we would respect and value one another’s financial goals and paths as a whole for our future.
Turning that refusal into a proposal
Having and sharing marital roles should be more than acceptable in a relationship. It should be applauded.
It’s a great way of ensuring you and your partner are compatible long-term; however, as I have said before, all in moderation. He needs to know that these acts and qualities should not go on in perpetuity without further commitment. The relationship must be parallel to each other’s growing roles, or partnership – ultimately ending in the desired aspiration of marriage.
For those who find themselves already fulfilling their marital roles within the relationship, it’s important to express your desired aspirations and expectations within the relationship. More often than not, it may be that he does not simply realize that your expectations are not being met. Sometimes it’s even a complete misunderstanding on either side, where certain messages, signals, or efforts were all in all mislead or misread. For instance, by him asking you to move in you thought this was his “signal” that he was ready to take the plunge (marriage) when that simply wasn’t the case for him.
Many may treat marriage as something that remains unspoken until the “right time” – you know, that if it’s meant to be it will just…happen. And I’m beginning to notice this is how exclusivity in dating is also treated today. There’s this low-key presumptuous aspect to it, whereas to avoid any sense of relational expectations, and in fact, shunning them altogether. Um, people deserve to know where the f*ck they stand with someone based on intentions, value-alignment, and feelings, especially because these are all things that can ultimately change.
Early in the dating game, my [now husband] had made the assumption (randomly, in conversation) that we were exclusive. I made it clear that he never expressed or verbalized his desire for exclusivity, nor asked to be or considered my stance on the subject. Let’s just say it didn’t take him long to get the hint that for me exclusivity required verbal recognition and validation.
Not based on the assumption. And that is not a solid foundation a relationship can grow from. So, please, rid yourself of this so-called modern deformation of relationships (no matter what phase you’re in).
On the flip side, he may not be on the same page or he is fearful/hesitant of expanding his commitment. This fear may have a lot to do with giving up his independence, masculinity, sexual explorations, and ultimately that you and the relationship will change after marriage (much of which for the worst). It’s important to reassure him that his fears are valid while standing firm with your aspirations for marriage.
And at some point, we have to peel off the blinders: If your SO feels there is no reason to commit to the relationship through marriage, it’s likely that he simply doesn’t respect your aspirations or unmet expectations because he is already getting everything he wants out of the relationship.
With that, I want to end this post with a true story:
My husband has an old childhood friend – who had a long-term girlfriend from college. They were together for years, moved across the country for their jobs, and settled in a new state together. She began carrying on the role of a wife in their growing relationship, in hopes of igniting that next further step of commitment.
But he saw no need to rush into that commitment (seeing as they had been together for many happy years already).
In time, she moved out – taking a step back from her current situation – since her needs were not being fulfilled, as she was blatantly fulfilling all of his.
Today: they are now married, with kids.
Adam and Eve were created to “submit” to one another. No you idiot. Eve was created to Submit to Adam. Go read your Bible first before ranting. And we’re not “men running around like headless chicken.” We are assessing the benefits over the potential dangerous ramifications that you are clearly blind to. Marriage is dead. Let it stay that way. Thank you.
Lol, yes, I’m an idiot for saying *mutual* submission means men are to Love their wives like Christ Loves the church (who GAVE himself [up] for us, btw, which proves Christ’s lowly submission by willingly DYING for us). Stay blessed, and single. 🙂
This is what women wanted. You don’t need us or marriage with us. I don’t understand the complaint. Strong. Independent. Right? He doesn’t need you to cook, clean, be feminine. You don’t need him to protect, provide, give you attention. Right? This is a matriarchy. You girls have made the rules for generations. You get angry at the men, well you created them. And this entire situation. You can sleep around and don’t need no man’s permission. Right? Congratulations on the world you’ve created. Enjoy it. Keep voting with your feelings. Keep doing it. This is your creation. Marriage is dead. Gentlemen are all but gone. You guys wanted it this way.
Marriage was created by God not man or woman. It is not dead when it is done for the right reasons. To love and respect your spouse more then yourself; till death do you part. This means when things are good and when they are unbearable. When you are young and vibrant and when you are old and broken down. If you cannot love your boyfriend or girlfriend unconditionally then you have no business getting married. Stay single and self seeking and please do not even think about having children; they also need to be loved unconditionally.
This article is so unbelievably wrong.
THIS is why men won’t get married ladies:
https://www.quora.com/Why-are-young-men-not-willing-to-get-married-anymore/answer/Adrian-Frank-6
Lol, sir, you must have me confused. If you read the quora article you posted, and if you ACTUALLY read the majority of the posts on my blog, you would know that: 1. I am not in support of the “modern” [way of] marriage (like, at all), but biblical marriage (which is widely persecuted today), 2. I am in agreeance that the “modern” aesthetics of a marriage/wedding are unbelievably superficial and materialistic (hence why I tell women all the time to ask whether they want a marriage, or if they simply want a wedding), 3. I do not support “new-age” feminism (which is NOT the same as equality), 4. I do not condone or support “promiscuity” or sexual “liberation” (and that goes for both sexes, BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE OR DICTATE), and 5. I LITERALLY aim to help women break away from the embedded/conditioned ideology that Love is a so-called “fairytale” of unrealistic expectations (and that that is TRAUMA). Instead of spreading an article that spews nothing but the ‘loud’ minority of information to deter men from marriage (and to hate women), period, people really just need to start looking at and treating marriage the way God intended. And if marriage gives you zero incentive or benefit, then you do you, boo. Guys like you are, in part, why I continue to encourage women who aspire and desire marriage. And while there are ugly divorces, unhappy marriages, or people getting married for all the wrong reasons….there are still those in successful, happy marriages who view marriage and got married for the right reasons. Negativity attracts negativity, and that’s what you’re going to see and believe. The glass may be half-empty, or completely empty to you when you’re only choosing to focus on one of a two-sided reality. The glass is also still half-full, my dude.
Take notice, ladies, it’s the men in the comments. Read their words, as they are showing you who they are.
I wrote that article. The point I’m trying to make, and I hope you understand, is that the vast majority of us MGTOW men were never the “why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free” type. We wanted children, family, commitment. Millions of us did do the right thing and our lives were ruined because of it.
If you want all that back, work to change the family court system and change women’s expectations for marriage and women’s behavior. The institution of marriage is now so horrifically unfair and so horrifically risky that an entire generations of good men won’t go near it and actively warn other good men not to either You’ll notice I talk about my daughters in that article. I am now in the position to have to tell them NOT to plan for marriage and family because I don’t believe any man will be willing to sign up for it when they’re of age if things don’t change. You can’t shame men into signing up for something that they stand a 90% chance if regretting.
Sweet article, but we’re complex human beings. We’re not animals.
Ah, yes, of course. How silly of me. It’s always the woman’s fault, isn’t it? (And I’m not saying women aren’t a part of the problem here) But logically speaking, it’s the absolute denial of accountability on both sides that has “ruined lives” [in marriage]. You know there’s such a thing called a Prenup, right? But that’s beside the bigger issue. If by planning for marriage you mean “financial stability”, you also realize couples can make their own rules right? Maybe it’s just me but planning for marriage was a very inside job for me. I’m sorry but if my dad wedged his beliefs in that marriage is destined to ruin my life, and that being my fault (because, you know, I am a woman, and according to you, women are the ones who have “ruined” marriage and need to change), call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that would ultimately turn me into the very type of woman men are least attracted to. By telling your daughters not to prepare for marriage or family (because, to you, “men stand a 90% chance of regretting it”) is like telling them, “You’re not worthy”, while excusing and refusing to acknowledge men’s accountability in the issue. And I dont’ mean the kind of accountability that is self-serving, either, like your whole narrative of “there’s nothing in it for men, that’s what they’ve learned!”
Damn, I guess there’s a 90% chance my husband regrets marrying me then. But I’m old school – you made your bed, now lay in it. I don’t believe in taking the high road when things get hard. And you’re throwing out numbers and percentages solely based on your experience, and you think you speak for “all men” by saying that “all women” have ruined the face of marriage for “all men”. You’re basing your experience on a “type” of woman (who unfortunately you sought after and “ruined” you), and you’re the type of guy I continue to bold-face flag to women who aspire marriage. So no wonder men and women continue to generalize and blame each other. But it’s funny because you say the system is broken, yet this has been a system predominantly created and accepted by [probably religious] men. Unfortunately, you want the system to change, as in being entirely “equal” on all fronts, but I hate to break it to you it will never be for as long as there’s no “sameness” between men and women. If you REALLY wanted to “help”, or bring awareness to men (without “shaming” them out of desire for marriage), maybe you ought to create a course that dives into the “institution”, logistics, and its statistics (like, the facts, not your opinion). Almost like pre-marital counseling, but on the side of logic.
Contact me if you want to collaborate sometime.
Lol, collaborate on what, exactly?
Nevermind. Good luck to you and all your followers. The simple truth is you’re trying to sell us men something we no longer need, or even want, and that comes with massive downside risk. As the adage goes, the only way to win is not to play.
Here’s another one if it helps you understand men better:
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-true-that-men-dont-want-relationships/answer/Adrian-Frank-6
I’m not really proud with the way I carried myself yesterday. I reacted on my frustration by stooping to your level, and that’s just not who I am or want to be. I can empathize with your situation (sincerely), while still honoring my beliefs. And I should have simply chuckled, prayed for you, and went about my day. Yet part of what I do and stand for triggers people – clearly – and that’s a mirror reflection about themselves. That’s not my fight. I wrote this post to help women (GOOD, honest women), who ASPIRE to be married, become aware of circumstances where they are auditioning, over-extending, or entertaining someone with zero intention of that commitment. And while, yes, a reason could be that “there’s nothing in it for him”, it’s safe to say marriage – biblical or modern – isn’t for everyone (and certainly won’t be). But I am trying to explain to women that they cannot “Love” someone [harder] into committing to them without being taken for granted. That is all. Take care of yourself.
You’re 100% correct about that. That absolutely is good advice. But you’re missing the other half of the equation:
Unfortunately for good women, and chuckle at me all you want, the vast majority of even the really good guys aren’t going to sign up for marriage anymore because it’s too risky and women’s expectations are impossible and women don’t understand men’s nature and there are literally millions of men like me who strive everyday to warn other men not to get married and will do so for the rest of our lives.
The future choice for women is either going to be single and childless or an egalitarian, risk-off arrangement that doesn’t put a noose around a man’s neck and reward the women for kicking the stool out from beneath him.
Cheers.
It’s so very apparent you are a bitter man who made a Mistake getting married at all and would have never been happy no matter what unlucky woman married you. I’m sorry for you but please don’t blame your bad judgement on woman and todays society. I wish you well but I don’t think will change your negative mindset..
There isn’t a reason for men to get married. They’re not taking advantage of anything. I mean there might be a couple that are but most don’t. We know, we’ve been through it before or we see others who have gone through the nasty divorce. 50% of marriage fail and 80% are initiated by women. With those odds why would any guy with any sense want to risk his emotional or financial capital?
At any given time the woman you’re talking to is talking to four guys at the same time and has 50 guys orbiting in her social media. This is the standard now and I fully expect or go into a relationship or date someone knowing this and I act accordingly. I don’t play backup quarterback to other guys so I don’t put most women on a pedestal either because I know they just have a bunch of guys out there giving them attention.
I did the right thing, got married, went to college, served in the military, had the kids, the house and so called happily ever after BS. What happened? 75k in lawyers fees and three years of absolute hell. I went from seeing my kid every day to basically once every other weekend. I work my job and make over six figures and live in a condo and have a second job just so I can afford to do things for my kid when I see them.
Men refuse to get married because they know the risks. I have young coworkers who have seen what I’ve gone through, see what others have gone through…they don’t want any part of it. I wasn’t wise enough when I was younger to see but these young men now have access to all these resources I didn’t have. So they’re wiser in a way as they are armed with information.
Best thing for young men to do is the following:
If you’re a young man do all of those things and you’ll be happy. If you’re a divorced guy like me who is doing this or trying to do this while on “hard mode” because I’ve lost so much and have kids…it’s hard but its the only way.
Hey “Been there done that” – thanks for commenting! I get what you’re saying – in fact, I understand it so much because everything you said is exactly what women are preaching today. That there’s also no reason for women to get married (“men are unreliable, unfaithful, immature, oppressive, ‘weak’..the list goes on). That it’s “easier” to be single, or get this, to be a single parent. Every tip you just gave to the men out there is literally the same advice I give to women – ok, maybe not telling them to learn how to ride horses or invest in crypto, but by telling them to stop treating their relationships like a marriage. I view marriage as a spiritual/sacred “legal” binding/form of commitment (and I am a voice for those who similarly agree), and if you can’t get past marriage being a legal business contract then that’s what it is to you (and that’s fine, but you don’t speak for everyone). Nobody chooses marriage [or should] because it’s “easy”. Yet people today look at marriage with divorce as an option. Marriage is hard. But divorce is also hard – this isn’t a secret or surprise. You choose your hard. And you’re likely right – people are choosing to stay single. Some are even choosing relationships with the benefits of marriage (and sorry, but, not everyone is down with that). There are risks with anything and everything in life. Relationships themselves are risks – you’re choosing to invest in something…because, hopefully, it’s “worth the risk”. And as you admitted, you weren’t as wise in your “decision(s)” when you were younger. Nobody is born equipped knowing how to sustain a healthy relationship (most people barely understand what it takes to nurture the relationship with themselves), so what do you think relationships are all about? And marriage? The reality is, men want women to change first – women want men to change first. And what I am getting across in this post (which many are seemingly asleep to) is that people will not see change [in their relationship] without self-awareness [of their behaviors/choices] and by trying to control others [their partner]. And “looking within” is clearly unnatural and even triggering for people. So maybe you’re in “hard mode” simply because that’s what’s familiar, safe, and comfortable/”easy” for you (and not just because you’re divorced). Best of luck to you.
Still doesn’t stop the fact marriage is a bigger risk for men than it is women. There is no incentive for men to get married because of the following:
I would never invest into something that has a diminishing return, no one with any sense would.
Men aren’t getting married because the see the writing on the wall, they’re not being boys, they’re being smart. I whish I would have had the same information then I have now.
And for someone saying stop acting like a wife if you’re just a girlfriend…most women don’t act like wife material during the dating stage, why would I commit my life to someone that can’t even be a good wife or partner. Most guys don’t want a women who will cook and clean for them, most do that themselves. When I was married I always did my own laundry, for years I made dinners and helped with drop off and pick up of kids. She put them to bed more because honestly when I did it she got mad because I did it too regimented. I was always involved in my kid’s life as well as taking care of her for weeks on my own as she travelled for a job. What did I get from the courts and the system…my kid ripped away.
So…until there is a more equitable system men will mostly opt out and they should.
citations:
Backup man
Women initiate divorce more than 3 out of four times
If there’s no incentive for you to be married, then there isn’t. And with that mentality you’re going to attract those accordingly.
Men don’t get Married because the “Rewards” aren’t Worth the Sacrifice, ¿Why bother?, Since Men and Women are equal, she’ll get as much as she offers first.
I am a man engaged with 3 wonderful kids. Ill tell you this blog is bad info laddies.
Men dont marry because theres nothing in it for us anymore. We have everything to loose the kids and every asset we worked our asses for just by getting married. 50% of marriages end in divorce and almost always initiated by the wife. The judge always favors the mother.
Why cant we live happily ever after with wedding rings and not sign the legal document from hell.
Ps. Dont play games. You follow what this articles says many of you will find out about the “side chick”
Have a great weekend.
Hi “John Doe”,
While I respect your opinion, all that is really going through my mind is: If marriage is just a piece of paper, so is money – yet, I guarantee (hopefully) you work hard day in and day out for that. It’s all about commitment.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🙂
Side chick? It’s called dating. We both are single until we are married so us women will also enjoy entertaining potentially better possibilities until our nuptials are finalized.
Have a great weekend with your three bastard kids.
I think it’s important for men and women to have standards. As a successful fit male I will never get married as I give up any power I have in the relationship. Being single keeps a woman from becoming a complete nightmare and keeps all the assets I’ve accumulated from going to someone that hasnt earned them. It’s not to say any particular women would screw you over but “why take the risk?” Love? Lol. I’ve watched to many men in my life get dessimated by women 5 to 10 years into the marriage. 75% of all divorces are instigated by women. Bottom line is all women are WORK. Some are more work than others. Now that sex is freely available I never have to commit no matter how good/successful of a woman you are. If being married is more important than the MAN himself, please move on. Women are not calling the relationship shots anymore. With that said, Women should have standards too. If they want to get married move on from guys like me. I’m always upfront and honest. I try to educate all young men to hold on to their power. You can thank feminism for this new male mentality. Trust me more and more men are waking up and developing my point of view. Good luck!
Thank you for your feedback, Scott! And for taking the time to read my post. While I value your opinion, entirely, that is the reason I mentioned in the post to exclude those who simply choose not to be married, or don’t believe in marriage. I do agree that there is an issue with people who “settle” when their expectations (of marriage) are clearly not being met, and qualities of a marriage being taken advantage of in a relationship (for those who intend on marriage in the future). And because marriage, on equal sides, is work – including relationships – it’s all depended on who’s worth working hard for. Yes, women are work – we’re not supposed to be easy and predictable. But men are also “work” in their own way. The work comes in understanding one another, which is always going to take an effort – 100% of the time, for as long as you’re alive.
Though, I do have to side with you – that unfortunately feminism does play a negative part in a new male mentality on marriage, dating, relationships, and women – period. But I do think it comes down to not letting that part of society affect you, and alter your perception of “all women”. Was it hard for me not to stumble upon men in the dating game who automatically assumed and treated me as a stuck-up, die hard, immensely independent, disrespectful, anti-chivalrous, emasculating feminist? Absolutely. I’ve had men tell me I belonged in the kitchen, to do my job in making them a sandwich and keep quiet. All of that stems from somewhere, and fortunately women are growing a backbone and speaking up. I can’t complain there. Sure, I believe in equal rights, and female empowerment – but all of those negative qualities I listed are not me. I don’t rule out every man to be haters, abusers, cheaters, womanizers and entitled superiors to human existence. I guess you can say I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, while holding my own. I will pass along the “Good luck” to my husband – who probably needs it most of all (hahaha) – and tip my hat to you! Thanks for commenting! 🙂
While this is the 21st century, Hebrews tells us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The Bible is clear that sex is a beautiful union for married couples and that too, should be preserved for marriage. Great article with many, many GREAT points!
This does make sense. However, hubby and I had all of this and still got married. But I do see this happening in other relationships.
I think we were very fortunate to have found one of few mature, understanding and respectful men. But I know too many relationships that continually have this pattern and it turn out for the worst.
A lot of these are true and mistakes I made in the past, esp the making a man a spoilt brat part. When i met my fiance I managed myself much better and we have the best relationship.
The positive outlook on mistakes is learning from them! I’m glad you and your fiance have a happy thriving relationship 🙂 🙂
Love this because it is all so true!! I was just talking to a friend of mine about whether she should move in with her boyfriend. My only question for her was,” Do you want to be his wife? Or you want to be his live in girlfriend?” Men will take whatever you give them. So if they want wife perks, then they should make you a wife first. 😉
Exactly!! It’s so much easier said than done, especially when considering the thought of, “why should we have to hold back what we naturally want to be just to avoid being taken advantage of!?” It’s a brutal concept – an important one, at that, though. Thank you!! 🙂
while im not married, you do have some great points to think of..
Thank you! 🙂
Wow, I was just having this type of conversation with a friend. I’ve learned this kind of the hard way and it made me realize everything you have said. saving for a remidner <3
I, too, learned this the hard way! Thank you Lisa! 🙂