9 Brutal Reasons Why He Hasn’t Proposed [The Honest Truth]

Marriage is the deepest expression of commitment, sacrifice and Love that one can make – that’s why marriage is a life aspiration to many. Many also see marriage as simply being a piece of paper, or a document that binds together the lives of two people. So is money, yet every single person on this planet works their butt off in order to obtain that.

Sure, while you don’t need a marriage to survive, working to make a living only binds you to the Man – cough, I meannn “workforce” system.  But we’re talking about marriage here, which is about a sacred commitment – since marriage is a promise of unconditional Love for another human being.

I think we try to avoid and ignore the fact that there are many reasons why someone is hesitant to take the plunge – other than not believing in marriage. And if that’s the only case, why continue the relationship thinking you can change their mind? Otherwise, if you believe you are in a stable and healthy relationship at this point, you might be wondering why he still has yet to get down on one knee.

9 brutal reasons why he has not proposed

He doesn’t believe in the whole marriage thing

Maybe his parent’s divorced has some level of influence (on his ideas and optimism on marriage). Or he’s already been married once before and is struggling whether or not a second go-around is in his ideal picture. If it isn’t merely a reluctance factor, then it could simply be personal choice. If you aren’t sure if he believes in marriage, then here’s the question to ask yourself: have you actually discussed this major milestone – in full?

Whether you’ve been together 2 weeks or 2 years, this question should almost be as normal as “Do you like food?” in the dating world. Seriously, ladies – if your lifelong dream is to one day be married to your prince charming – shouldn’t you know right off the bat if he shares the same dream as you, too?

If he has already told you he doesn’t believe in marriage (whatever the case) and doesn’t want to get married, then here is where you might have encountered issues. You pushed that problem to the back of your mind, thinking: I’ll deal with this down the road and see what happens. You thought you could change his mind over time or you are now years deep into your relationship when you suddenly realize you are now ready for a lifelong commitment (when before you weren’t sure yourself at the time).

The point is if YOU believe in it – knowing he doesn’t – don’t go through a relationship thinking you can change him into a believer. He has to want it himself without the pressure or ultimatum.

He’s getting his life in order

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It isn’t unrealistic to want someone established, who – at best – knows what they want in life. Otherwise, someone who knows how to take care of themselves, has financial stability, and a stable roof over their head.

If your partner is in the middle of finding a job, trying to complete school, or is in the process of reaching their immediate career goals, this could be a legitimate reason why he has yet to put a ring on it. The last thing you want to do is become the contributor to his falling back on personal achievements.

Marriage may be a priority (in his future), but he wants his assets in place first. If this is worrisome for you, tenderly ask him for reassurance – that this milestone is important to you and that you simply want to know it is something on his list of life aspirations, too.

But, has he been using that as an excuse ongoing, say, for the last 10-15 years? If he’s been giving you the shpeal for years with no end in sight, that’s a different story. If “marriage goals” continually seem to be placed on the back burner, it might be time to question his motives or other reasons. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

[Related Read: The relationship is not improving – she’s simply moved on]

He’s afraid of letting go

Letting go (or committing to that degree) is a common worry for anyone, not just men singly. Many are perfectly happy knowing they spend the rest of their lives with that one person because they feel there’s more to gain than lose. While others may feel they will be giving up their dreams, independence, or options – as well as worrying over the risk of a failing marriage and leading to divorce.

In another post, I’ve had several men comment on a related post that talks about The Likely Reason Why He Refuses To Get Married, saying “There’s nothing in it (marriage) for men anymore – we lose everything, period.” The thing is, people have different views and beliefs on marriage, and what it represents. Many have been burned by marriage, obviously, and many have redefined marriage to be a contractual arrangement at the forefront.

Point blank: he may not be able to fully…I’m about to say it…the word we all love to hate….*submit* to the commitment of marriage. Monogamy alone – marital monogamy – may be enough to make him run with his tail between his legs.

And if you are antagonizing or shaming your partner into marrying you, you’ll likely find yourself beating a dead horse. Ultimately you cannot make him want to marry you, which means you cannot make him let go of what’s holding him back in the first place.

It could just be too soon

To you, three months together might feel like three years, but it may not be the same for your partner. If you’ve slept together, moved in, met the parents, traveled, and made big purchases together all within six months – sure, it might feel like,

“We’re so in love – we just can’t wait to live our lives together!” Now you’re just waiting on the ring.

The bottomline is it could be too soon when you’re operating in the relationship at a much faster pace than he is. Unfortunately, he may be able to live out these milestones more freely – you know, without the intent of a forever – since he may not equate moving in together as the same level of progression you do. It’s not that meeting the parents or moving in together isn’t important to him, but he may not see it as a stepping stone to a bigger commitment.

And if this sounds like your predicament, here’s the tea, and brace yourself because it might be a little bitter on the tongue: [maybe] i.e., stop spending the night at each other’s place every night, don’t upend your life when he decides to transfer jobs (aka. jumping when he says “jump”) and avoid becoming his [live-in] mother or pretend wife.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming that if our partner refuses to amp up the commitment when we’re ready that they never will. Timing is everything for each individual. If you’ve been together for years, have talked the talk yet he can’t seem to walk the walk – you could be dealing with someone who just isn’t willing to consider your expectations.

You’re obsessing over it

I get it. There comes a time when you know you’re undeniably ready – you feel like everyone around you is saying yes to the dress and I do…except you. It begins to feel daunting that you haven’t crossed that bridge yet, like as if you’re falling behind, your clock is ticking, and you’re no longer fitting in with your [now] married crew.

A natural reaction is to start making your readiness more blatantly obvious. Maybe the signs are no longer subtle. While that may all be out of genuine innocence and desire, it can become [negatively] excessive in your partner’s eyes.

Relationships can back-track and be derailed because of this.

You go from patient to corrosive within the blink of an eye. And it can be emotionally taxing on your partner – even if he intends on marrying you. If your attitude has turned sour, it could be leaving him with more questions than certainty. With that, the natural response from your partner might be to take a step back for his own sake – if not rethinking the [current] meaning and foundation of the relationship.

Just something to be more aware of.

He’s worried he won’t be able to measure up

The carrot size, the big wedding, the lavish lifestyle, the big dream house with a white picket fence, six kids, two dogs, three cats – all of it. Some of you are laughing in your heads right now, or your chin dropped to the floor. One reader told me I “lost” them at this point.

Honestly, I rest my case, because:

Reality check: marriage isn’t about how much your SO is willing to spend or how much debt he’s willing to carry in order to *keep* you. Your SO’s love isn’t measured by the carrot size, or how deep his pockets. Most guys shy away from explaining to you the difference between your worth, and what he can afford.

Why? Because they’re hoping you already understand and respect that.

That beautiful ring you keep eyeing and talking about – the one that costs more than his savings (if he has any) – could be making him question his own worth and the true value of marriage to you. It has nothing to do with him not wanting to give you the world – he also may not be comfortable emptying his bank account, working overtime indefinitely, or sacrificing his life savings to do it.

I’d say that’s fair. Just something to think about if you’re not on the same page financially or materialistically.

[Related Read: How to discuss the finances when talking about money is hard]

He’s worried marriage will change you

Marriage is for better and for worse, yes. And there will be times of our best and our worst. If your relationship is currently, or has been on the rocks lately, this could be what is laying unresolved in his mind. Nonetheless, he’s afraid. This is a legitimate concern. And I’m not talking about the fact you’ll probably fluctuate in weight, you’re going to naturally age, and that you won’t always have a peachy-perfect attitude – though, some worry about these things and more, and you ought to question *why* you’re with them in the first place.

I’m talking about current circumstances in your relationship that may ultimately contribute negatively to marriage down the road.

Your partner wants to marry the person for the reasons he fell in love with, right? Marriage isn’t just about growing old together – it’s also about growing together. Who you are now won’t be the same in 10, 15, 20 years. Because as we face milestones, hardship, major life decisions, grief, heartache, struggle, failure, and success – we all go through subtle changes to some degree. It doesn’t necessarily mean for the worst.

But if the desperate desire for that proposal or dream wedding negatively takes over the woman he fell in love with, or because you are convinced it will fix the current issues in your relationship, he may be worried you aren’t simply seeing the bigger picture in the relationship.

You act like an old married couple already

Everyone is likely guilty of this. I mean, what better way to know what married life is like without that piece of paper. Might as well see if the shoe fits, right? I commend those who remain celibate or apart from living together until marriage. If I could go back in time, I definitely would have deeply considered choosing that route.

In this situation, he might be getting carried away by already established habits and is thinking:

…We already act married, so why make it official? It’s just paper turning our relationship into a dispute over money.

…We’ve been together so long, so I just figured there was no reason. 

…I don’t want to ruin what we have by getting married. Marriage leads to divorce more often today, anyhow – why ruin a good thing we have?

…If we love each other, why do we need marriage to confirm that? We’re both happy where we’re at – why shake things?

If you don’t get me, it’s like this:

Boyfriends should not be awarded ‘husband’ privileges. They are earned through the commitment of marriage.

You’re a “wifey”

And I say this gently – not every woman is destined to be a wife, nor is it every woman’s desire. That’s okay! It’s more that, in a literal sense, he has no intent to make you his wife and, instead, to keep you a wifey. Hopefully I can explain this better in a way that invokes meaning.

When I hear guys label their girlfriend (and women who label themselves) as a wifey, I hear deceptive and manipulative trickery. And the use of the term has more or less become a way of enabling and quietly “hushing” disrespect. It’s spoken in order to take advantage of the true meaning while solely reaping the benefits and without honoring the title.

Point blank, wifey is the perverted version of a wife.