This one’s for my heart-on-their-sleeve wearers, love at first sighters, and prematurely attached in relationships – aka, when you end up falling for someone too hard, too fast. To some degree, this is likely something everyone has experienced, so the way I see it is it’s best to embrace it for what all relationships are – a learning experience.
But there are definitely key things to take away if you are someone who tends to follow this pattern in your love life. Some good, and some not so good, which are the most important to consider.
If you fall for someone too hard too fast, 5 things can happen
You can miss, ignore or enable red flags
I mean, those are important, right? For me, red flags were my gut intuition saving me from possible or inevitable heartbreak. Sometimes they were even saving me from myself, believe it or not. For example, noticing certain red flags within myself stopped me in moments where I would resort to over-giving and over-extending my efforts in order to be chosen.
So for those who tend to wear their heart on their sleeve, love more freely, and focus on the good and only the good in others (regardless of inflicted pain imposed upon you), being aware of flags when they arise is critical. But for right now, at this moment, go ahead and do yourself a favor:
Forgive yourself for all the red flags that went uncovered, ignored, and excused, including the ones you simply didn’t see because you didn’t know better at the time. You know better now, and that’s what matters, so let’s no longer allow the past to continue holding you in its grasp.
You fantasize their potential
Rather than getting to know someone (deeply) and learning about them for who they are, as they are, you begin to take bits and pieces and romanticize this figure you hope and dream of them to be or become for you. When you fall head over heels in love too hard and too quickly, you can get lost in translation between seeing someone as a person and prince charming. One is fantasy, and one isn’t. In order to wake up to reality – of who someone is and how they show up to be – both feet must be planted on the ground.
When you begin to feel the intensity of your feelings for someone, start asking yourself, “What exactly am I ‘falling in Love’ with..[about them]..[about our relationship]?“
You get ‘swept up’ by the wrong things
Everyone likes all the kind words and cute gestures thrown their way (who wouldn’t?), but it is very possible that you are being “swept off your feet” by things that are simply the honey, not the glue [*in terms of a healthy, stable connection or relationship with someone]. You might say this is where the logic “words and actions align” applies, but more importantly that you are considering this logic beyond the superficial, sexual, or surface layer.
Consider that you are not solely ‘swept up’ by what they do or say and how they make you feel, but for the person they are and who they show up to be (with or without you).
You start dating in future tense
Whether you’re someone who often experiences that Love at first sight or not, falling into the trap of dating future tense is a lot easier (and seemingly more natural in compatible relationships) than you think. You might, for example, start to plan (mentally or visually) for your future together after only knowing one another a few weeks. A dumbed-down version of this is something many likely did at a younger age, and this was to write your first name with their last name in your school notebooks.
It’s a lot easier for me to just say slooooowww down, but does that ever really get anywhere far? It’s more important to assess the actual pace of the relationship with that of the pace you’re trying to take it. Start catching yourself and take note of instances where you create stories, make efforts or treat the relationship as though it exists on a timeline other than the present.
You risk self-sabotage
Whether that be self-sabotaging a [potentially] healthy and compatible relationship, or placing yourself on life-support as a way to prolong the relationship’s existence and maintain your partner’s attention span. Either way, if being head over heels for someone means neglecting your needs, wants, and desires (and no longer taking responsibility for them)…I don’t think that’s Love, my dear, that’s emotional suicide. Self-neglect, the evil twin that can often mimic selflessness, has the opposite effect and the risk of doing more damage than intended.
So if you’re someone who tends to fall in love too hard, too fast, ask yourself: “In what ways am I neglecting, abandoning, dishonoring, or disrespecting myself..[in order to gain or win over this person’s love, approval, respect, acceptance, admiration, affection, attention, devotion, security, etc.]?“
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