First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug

This may get me in trouble, I don’t care, but I’m not into “following my heart”. The heart is deceptive, delusional, depraved and often fleeting. Following my heart has led me to chaos and destruction. Following my heart made me blind to dating red flags I saw coming or that I was already aware of. But the heart wants what it wants, we say, right?

Many are out there doing exactly what I did – trucking along the path of ignorance (or curiosity, temptation, and chaos), thinking to themselves, “Nah, it’s nothing,” or “But he’s so [handsome, charming, funny, etc.],” and are downplaying low-key Ted Bundy vibes.

When it comes to first date red flags, there should be no shame in waving that white flag and peacing out. This means it’s time to put a stop to sweeping dating red flags under the rug and to put the broom back in the closet where it belongs.

[Related Read: 4 Red Flag DMs You Shouldn’t Respond To, #OnlineDating]

First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug

His phone is the third-wheel

I get it (but not really) – the Gram is the mothership of worldly connection and self-image these days; it is the epicenter of our social standing and community. Our phones have literally become our social umbilical cord, and we’ve got to admit that it is something we idolize beyond recognition, which is destructive.

You really can do without that first date selfie or picture of your food. Your posse can even wait to hear how your date is going until after. And this same standard applies for him. We need to stop making excuses for why our phones must sit, front and center at all times, or for having knee-jerk reactions to check or use our devices.

Therefore, IMO, you can really tell a lot about a person by the “relationship” they have with their phone. 21st century, technological advancement BS aside – if someone can’t detach and disconnect from their phone for a few measly hours to connect face-to-face, that’s only a precursor to other real problems.

Who really wants to feel like their third wheel to a cellphone (that gets more attention and consideration) on a first date, anyway? No one.

A piss-poor attitude; how he treats you, himself + others

I know we can all agree that as human beings we all have bad, off days, we don’t always have it together, and are not pathologically chipper 24/7. Still, a bad attitude on the first date is jarring.

We’re also “encouraged” to be our authentic, unapologetic selves. But where is that fine line between authenticity, awareness and self-responsibility? If he can’t communicate his feelings or regulate his emotions (frustration, anger, annoyance, etc.), and instead acts on them or projects them – that’s the only level of fortune telling I believe in, my friend.

If we’re advised to “leave our personal issues at the door” when we come to work, why do we think shouldn’t apply on a first date?

Moreover, a bad attitude on a first date should hit different. At that point, is he even aware of himself and how he’s coming off to those around him? Does he really think he’s making a good impression? Does he even care? What compels him to believe he’s providing a sense of safety and security by bringing his date into his field of negativity and animosity?

I’m just saaaying, this is why first impressions are first impressions, because they matter.

[Related Read: If a guy actually likes you, his texting habits will prove it]

Premature neediness, affection + adoration

When you’re hitting it off, like real deep, it may be cute to jokingly talk about growing old together or the gorgeous babies you’d make. Sometimes these conversations, as some like to put it, “are not that deep” – though I beg to differ.

Tread lightly, because what may be transpiring is a premature, unhealthy bond between you. You have yet to scrape the surface of this person and vice versa. Avoid jumping into, let alone grazing the deep end, even if you’re somehow convinced “he’s it” or can’t help but to melt into his instant obsession over you. Again, this is why I believe the heart is deceptive and delusional at its core.

Love-bombing is designed to be both enthralling and deceiving – it can seem and feel real and normal but unhealthy by nature. Someone who comes on too strong too soon can be a pretty good indicator of their relationship patterns (and in life); this can mean they tend to rush into relationships too quickly, base relationships on surface-level feelings and instant chemistry, therefore having unrealistic expectations of what Love is.

I’m sure you’re sick of hearing but a real, genuine connection is a slow burn, not a forest fire.

Abusive behavior – *the low-key signs

Let’s unpack infatuation and Love-Bombing a bit more. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your date showing signs that they like you – let’s get that out of the way. But if they’re putting out all the stops, and I mean everything they got, or they’re willingly and frantically putting all of their eggs into one basket, this is your cue to put on the breaks.

Why? For starters, this kind of behavior is not as genuine as you think. That level of attention is coming from all the wrong places, so not for the right reasons. Am I saying Love-bombing could be a backdoor contender for abuse, or is potential foreshadowing?

*Crickets* …. *Crickets*

I’m no psychologist, but I will say the few guys I encountered who exhibited Love-bombing behaviors in time exposed verbally and emotionally abusive patterns of behavior in the end. Coincidence?

Likewise, any form of abusive behavior is unacceptable behavior. Whether it’s verbal, physical, psychological [mental] or emotional. And things like manipulation, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling behaviors are many abusive tendencies on the blurred lined spectrum. Meaning, how many people often tolerate (and have even normalized) those things while denouncing it as abuse?

Thanks to books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight (yep, I went there), there are many of these “blurred-line”, red flag behaviors that have been *romanticized* and even glamorized today – like possessiveness disguised as protection and devotion.

So what should you watch out for, specifically?

• He finds every way to blame others for his mistakes, excuses, failures, disappointments, etc; It’s always the waiter, the Uber driver, the weather, the government, his sh*tty boss, his cellphone, his crappy car – he severely lacks personal responsibility and accountability. *All in all, he’s out to make himself a perpetual victim.
• He’s hyper-sensitive/hyper-reactive/passive-aggressive or aggressive; he easily picks fights or is “set off”/triggered by little mishaps, insults, offenses, or other people’s behaviors. This may come off as over-reactivity or shutting down completely. *All in all, he comes across as a loose canon, and you can feel it.
• He is vocally hostile; he curses at you and others, makes explicit threats (even if “jokingly”), talks down and/or over you and is vocally aggressive (i.e., yell-talks, raises voice in discomfort or frustration, has a violent tone). *All in all, vocal hostility can make you feel unsafe (being around them, in their space, in your space).
• He questions you on an abnormal, interrogative level; he’s no longer trying to get to know you but is expressing doubt and uncertainty regarding the things you do and say as if to catch you off guard, in a lie or to test you. *All in all, making someone feel inferior gives them a sense of empowerment.
• He Love-bombs you minus actually taking the time to actually get to know you; referring to premature attachment/infatuation, he might confess his “Love”/adoration for you (i.e., call you his “soulmate”), tell you how “perfect”/rare you are, becomes overly touchy, affectionate, and eager to “take the next step” with you. *All in all, the way he’s coming onto you doesn’t feel “natural”, but either forced or falsified (doctored up).
• He’s meticulously controlling and possessive; i.e., he got angry/frustrated when you took too long in the bathroom, he conspired that the waiter was hitting on you, he is interrogative with your whereabouts, and he doesn’t take your boundaries (or “no”) well for an answer. *All in all, he aims to elevate self-entitlement at the expense of respect for you.
• He talks down to you (condescending and patronizing); he criticizes you for still being in school and living with your parents, he questions your “intelligence” and makes comments about your decision-making and aspirations in life, or he treats you as if you are an incompetent or incapable. *All in all, he’s not looking for an “equal” but for someone he can manipulate.
• He puts words in your mouth or twists your words; i.e., “We’re having a good time, right?” [When you’re clearly not], or “You know that’s not what I meant (I didn’t mean to “hurt”, “offend”, “insult” you, etc.).” [In order to avoid an apology] *All in all, he’s looking for someone he can “play” easily.
• He has severely unrealistic expectations of you; this is the guy with very particular and shallow physical “preferences”, who will make sly comments or remarks about your physical features as if he is trying to “help” or improve you. *All in all, he’s trying to test how “soft” you are as in order to break you down, mold you into who he wants you to be, or make you submit to his ideals.

Anyone who makes you feel uneasy or fearful (this can often be disguised as “butterflies”, or anxiety) – whether that be of leaving or rejecting a relationship, of your autonomy and your life – is someone you need to nip in the bud from the start, even if they come off innocently misunderstood.

He’s either too private (secretive) or a public billboard on display

Here’s the thing: boundaries are healthy. Yet boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can be a red flag. So if it’s like pulling teeth (I mean painfully difficult) to get your date to talk, elaborate, open up, initiate or reciprocate the conversation, this should be a clue that he likely has more to hide than what little you’re allowed to know.

Yes, this could very well be #introvertproblems or #hellosocialanxiety. It could also be that you encountered someone with sub-par or ZERO interpersonal, social, and relationship skills whatsoever. We do need to be a bit more mindful of this while admonishing someone who is blatantly staying undercover.

[Related Read: 5 Key Signs You Are Dating An Introvert (Our Dating Personality Explained!)]

The same works for the other way around. Someone too eager to dish every minute detail of their life is someone who often treads this path with others. An overly ripe, open book translates to a book read by many but lacking proper care – its fragile binding greatly risks falling apart and likely needing repair.

Therefore, sometimes we have to be careful of those who say they “wear their heart on their sleeve” (or if this is you), as this may be an indicator of a long line of self-neglect, premature attachment, trauma bonding, Love-bombing, infatuation, accepting and tolerating maltreatment, boundary violations and loose personal boundaries.