WHY dating is difficult…when men are, too! That is the question, and I have 3 main reasons. This post is for the ladies! To the dudes, you can read the post that answers your question as to why dating is difficult for guys.
Before we dive in I feel I need to preface here that, yes – of course – not all men. And yet not all women are easy to date, either, so there’s that. The reality is dating and relationships over the last few decades has shifted dramatically. Men (for such “simple” creatures) can still be a handful, LOL, yet everyone and their mother knows it’s the same way the other way around.
Ladies, we also have to be willing to admit that we’re no cakewalk either, which is why I wrote this post with self-accountability in mind, too. That said, let’s peel behind the blinders as to why dating is difficult in this day in age when men are, too.
3 Reasons why dating is difficult today when men are, too
For starters, they’re pursuing less OR they’re in constant pursuit
When you think of “pursuing”, most probably think of courtship. Maybe you think of pursuing as in simply approaching someone or pursuing as in what they’re looking for short or long-term. Either way, pursuing means proactivity and initiative.
Men are making less moves (including the first move) let alone approaching, initiating and investing less. Or, they’re in chronic pursuit. Either way, there’s a lot of inconsistency, indecisiveness, apathy, and instability.
Guys who don’t pursue are more your “go with the flow” type, and that’s not a guy looking to pursue anything with clear direction. This is someone who probably ghosts you, is emotionally “lazy”, unavailable and immature, and who leans on you to make the initial or initiated effort. I don’t know why I think of Flash the Sloth, but I picture someone who is just stagnant, indifferent, aloof, and unmoving.
The constant “pursuer” is the Peter Pan type (Google that one in your spare time), where the phrase “never settle” is taken pretty literally here because it never seems like anyone is good enough or worth settling down for. The truth is they probably just like The Hunt. This is likely the guy that may show initiative at first but quickly fades, or ultimately prefers dating casually (“nothing serious“) with his single freedoms always at the forefront. The constant pursuer type doesn’t want to grow up and settle down with the right partner because he always has his sights set on the “next best thing” or “new adventure” that may potentially come along.
So, ladies, which of the two have you been guilty of entertaining?
They’re aggressively controlling OR forfeiting any leadership
There’s a lot of guys out there who want to lead, but literally have no clue what that actually means and what that entails. They’re operating under the very self-absorbed, elementary level of so-called leadership, or team captain, and they often act entitled to it by default. Guys believe being a leader is self-appointed but what they fail to understand is that to be a true leader you must earn it.
For men who want to lead, they have to be willing to accept default responsibility – it’s a heavy weight to carry for a reason. Being a leader doesn’t mean a fancy title or rank, nor does it mean demanded or involuntary respect, having the upper hand and getting the last word. It’s actually the opposite of what most think it means, and so many men are missing and abusing it. I actually wrote about it here if you care to read.
If you’re a woman who prefers a guy to lead, you won’t find that in a guy (Alpha male type) who is aggressive, controlling, combative, arrogant, and non-committal. You also won’t find that in the guy who is passive, hyper-sensitive, insecure, and unassertive. For women who want a guy to take the lead, NEITHER of these provide a safe, secure place to land.
Do you consider yourself to be an Alpha female, and are struggling when it comes to finding someone when they either won’t step up or only seem to compete with you? It’s important to note that while men aren’t against a strong woman, they already have to compete with other guys, which means they aren’t looking for a partner they have to compete with as well.
On the other end, more men are simply not taking the lead or any initiative, period. Again, Flash the sloth comes to mind. Alas, there’s the presence of undeniable passivity among more men today, which has become rooted. It is a relinquishing of the reins, and many women are then willfully taking them over. In the end that’s not going to work, and we have to know why that is and therefore be able to let them go.
Relationship-speaking, we’ve ended up over-correcting a problem or teetering to the other extreme side. If you are someone who doesn’t necessarily care about the whole leadership thing (and you care more about a 50/50 partnership) yet find yourself being the one doing way over your half of the deal, there comes a time when to question whether or not you refuse to let go of the reins and to stop choosing guys who are A-okay with you taking the lead.
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Many women don’t feel truly safe with men
Whether this has been the case for some time (over decades), has been increasing exponentially in recent generations, or both is something to consider. In and of itself, more women feel less safe in the presence of men. As a result, women are often exhibited as seeming to have this protective shield or armor. Can you relate? Even I can, but it wasn’t until I met my husband and years into our marriage when I realized I had been wearing that shield like it was a badge of honor…and yet still complained about it.
Women do not feel safe with men who lack moral integrity on both sides of the extreme. On one side, he is arrogant, aggressive, hyper-sensitive, overtly sexual, and non-committal, while lacking self-accountability, introspection and self-restraint. This is the guy who truly couldn’t care less about how he makes you feel, nor does he have your best interest in mind or at heart. He idolizes his pride and freedoms alongside supremacy. He can be flaky, controlling, condescending (judgmental), possessive/jealous, argumentative or conflict-avoidant, and numb to his own feelings and emotions. He lacks real emotional maturity and mental strength as well as deeply struggles with intimacy and vulnerability. Because, to him, that is a sign of “weakness” or inferiority.
Many women clash with this type of man because, as many would say, he is looking for a submissive/weak target he can “dominate” (to make as his inferior) that essentially exists to “make him a sandwich”. To these men, women are often depicted and treated as property or subservient.
Women also do not feel safe with a man on the other side of the extreme who is like Flash the sloth. He is insecure, unassertive, unstable, extremely passive or passive-aggressive, and hyper-sensitive (or avoidant when it comes to feelings and big emotions). This is the guy who also lacks real emotional maturity, direction, and motivation, who operates in a way that says he expects to be carried and typically seeks a partner who will accept taking on the default load (responsibility).
Therefore, many women will clash with this type of man because he is “lazy“, can’t or won’t step up, is not pulling his own weight nor is he an “equal partner”. You could say this is someone who isn’t looking for a Lover but another mother-figure who will assume the reins and carry all or the majority of the weight in the relationship. How does that make women feel safe and secure?
So what does this safety look and feel like?
- Being expressive (of thoughts, feelings, and emotions)
- Being receptive and present (to feelings, emotions, sensuality/pleasure, and the receiving of Love (affection, expression); less distracted, withdrawn, and closed off)
- Holding space (for feelings and emotions) instead of resisting them or reacting to them (receiving feelings and emotions as a personal attack)
- Free-flowing yet grounded (unrestrained, moves through life with grace, is creative, confident, willing, secure, capable)
- Self-connected (intuitive, reflective, discerning, authentic, aware, honors herself [values, personal boundaries], self-worth, self-validated)
- Radiates (doesn’t shrink or make herself “small”)
- Nurturing (compassionate, empathetic, supportive, protective, kindness)
- Soft (tenderness, meekness, openness, patience, allowing) *This is NOT mistaken for weakness!
- Assertive and decisive (initiative, responsible, accountable, clear direction and intention, healthy boundaries, knows what she wants, asks for what she needs, has individual beliefs, thoughts and opinions)
- Trusting (forgiving, committing, humble, accepting, vulnerable, *surrendering) *Surrendering LITERALLY means to let go of what is not within your control; it also means to let go of control in order for the existence and presence of balance, peace and harmony.
When men help create a safe space can women truly feel safe and thrive. The alternative is women are more likely to become the opposite or unhealthy counterpart of those points. At the same time, women who aim to embody these points also help create a safe space for men to thrive, too.
Ladies, could you currently describe yourself as being any of those points or their opposite? Be honest. Let’s remember, no one is perfect here, and the point isn’t perfection but to acknowledge our hearts and how it may be steering us in the wrong or an unhealthy direction in terms of finding a partner.
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