*Today*, dating is difficult, while men are also becoming increasingly difficult to date. So when I say I hope I am not biting off more than I can chew, I’m really hoping these spitfires of little truth bombs won’t end up biting me in the a**. Because, woo-wee, do we have some SOFTIES in the house who constantly need their ears (and ego) tickled! A lot of men are going to read this post and either puff up their chests or go into bazerk triggered mode, but seriously let’s all get a grip, here. Ladies, too.
Before we dive in, I feel I need to preface here that, yes – of course – not all men.
The reality is, dating and relationships over the last few decades have shifted dramatically. Men (for such “simple” creatures) are already a handful to be around, LOL, yet everyone and their mother knows it’s the same way the other way around. Ladies, we also have to be willing to admit, that we’re no cakewalk, either.
Therefore, in no way, shape or form does this post negate that. Yet I am fully prepared to trigger a lot of people with this one. So it’s important to bear that in mind as you are reading. It’s a long one, and a post unlike those I’ve written thus far, since I touch on the energetic polarities of men and women. Nonetheless, a topic that needs to be known and spoken louder for the men and women in the back. That said, let’s peel behind the blinders as to why men *today* are so hard to date.
3 Reasons dating is difficult *today* when men are, too
*After reading this post, I highly encourage you to dip your toes into feminine and masculine energies, their polarities, and “wounds”. PSA: men and women have *both* masculine and feminine “energy” (the balance of both is the ultimate goal), though each has a “core” energy, and can be dominant/wounded in one or the other.
For starters, they’re pursuing less OR they’re in constant pursuit
When you think of “pursuing”, most probably think of courtship. Maybe you think of pursuing as in settling, like, as in to be in [commit to] a relationship.
Men *today* are less likely to make the [first] move, let alone initiate or invest. They’re inconsistent (in their words, actions, interest, intentions, effort, and/or feelings). They’re also indecisive, apathetic, flighty, insecure, and lacking clear direction. This is the guy who probably ghosts you, is “lazy” (emotionally), and leans on you to make *more* of the initiated effort if you want anything “in return”. I don’t know why I think of Flash the Sloth, but I picture someone who is just stagnant, indifferent, and unmoving. For lack of better words, this is the guy who is after a mother, not a Lover.
OR, they never stop pursuing. The phrase “never settle” is taken pretty literally here – when no one is good enough, not worth “settling” for [committing to] or sacrificing for. Sacrifice being a big one because recent generations have not only twisted its context but made it taboo – among other things. The constant “pursuer” is also flighty (Peter Pan-like), indecisive, immature, afraid of commitment, unstable, as well as lacking clear direction, integrity, self-restraint (likely engages in casual sex), and emotional availability.
The constant pursuer tends to be someone with [unmet] unattainable expectations and has an emotional expiration. This is the guy who always has his sights on the next upgrade, though they may string you along until it’s within reach. They may be willing and able to give you what you want temporarily, whether or not it’s genuine.
Unfortunately we’re continually instilling ways to embrace and encourage both sides of this coin *today*.
The thing is women have always courted men, too, it was just different. And if you’re a woman who loves or prefers to make the moves and/or be “in charge” or have the “control” (as the “pursuer”) then cool beans – own it. Just know that nature won’t always work in your favor (warm crops aren’t made to grow in the dead of winter). And yet we’ve been slowly blinded by this literal fact: you mess with nature, you disrupt harmony. And you’ll likely be battling uphill against it.
In the end, this is *today’s* dating reality I see commonly and increasingly: women who are the “pursuer” are often left disappointed, and women who desire to be “pursued” are ALSO often left disappointed.
They’re aggressively controlling OR forfeiting any leadership
You might call leadership effort; upholding mental and emotional weight, or owning/taking personal and relationship accountability and responsibility. Leadership doesn’t equate to “CEO decision-maker” or calling all the shots. It can simply mean pulling one’s own weight as to establish healthy direction and restorative balance.
In a nutshell, not only have more men become aggressive, controlling, combative, arrogant, and non-committal, but they are also passive, hypersensitive, insecure, and unassertive. Both sides remain ungrounded, deeply struggling with *true* intimacy and connection. And for women, NEITHER are a safe, secure place [foundation] to land.
Many women today already have experience or know what it’s like being with an aggressive, controlling, manipulative, insensitive guy driven by his ego and a lack of self-restraint (control). While this is usually the type of guy women fall for (initially), because this is what women are told is “Masculine” – correction: this is someone who lacks INTEGRITY at his core. There’s nothing masculine about that.
On the other end, more men are simply not taking the or any lead, period. Again, Flash the sloth comes to mind.
First, picture this scenario for a moment: say you take a job position higher in “rank” (sought after, comes with the fancy title and granted respect), yet you are met with less or equal pay and more demands than your current position. This exists corporately AND fundamentally in relationships TODAY. Cue the women in relationships who [also] work full time, are the *default* or predominant parent, and take on most or all of the household/menial life responsibilities. Cue the women in this boat who are full-time, stay at home, *default* parents, too!
Am I saying men are now forfeiting their efforts because they can benefit more by simply stepping down? I don’t know if we’re ready to address this. BUT, could it be that more men are stepping down from the leadership plate because…[bracing myself]…women are or have been gladly assuming, tolerating, and accepting this “higher” position? We could say women are even *forced* (threatened, for survival) into this position, YES. I believe women are also conditioned to assuming this position because it’s what they’re either taught or what they’ve learned (from their own parental figures, previous relationship experience or even societal and environmental influence).
*Exhale* Listen, I’m a woman and I’m not that stupid. I KNOW women aren’t just willy-nilly signing over *true* partnership simply because they WANT to claim the title of mom, maid, cook, laundromat, shopkeeper, secretary, counselor, fortune teller, mind-reader, filing cabinet, financial planner, bank, breadwinner, emotional, mental and physical toll booth, sex pot, bodyguard, handyman, mechanic, chauffeur, butler, landscaper, garbageman, teacher, drill sergeant, support system, nurse, the all-purpose “glue”, the book with ALL the answers, AND president of the household let alone the relationship, okay?
Of course not, no. Ladies, I’m sorry but…you’re not destined to “do it all” or be everything. You will literally combust, and I already see it! Hear me out. Personally, I think we kicked ourselves from the start with the whole, “I can do all that a man can do” charade. *Let me repeat – I didn’t say you can’t, I said you’re not supposed to and you shouldn’t have to. Yet here we are.
Alas, there’s the presence of undeniable passivity among [more] men *today*, which has become ROOTED. It is a relinquishing of the reins, therefore assuming you [women] to make the, or all decisions, bear responsibilities, the mental load and burdens, have and give direction, and be the “default” protector, provider, caretaker, do-all, and be-all.
So when we talk about leadership, equality is always kind of the “but, but, but…” word thrown around to denounce its already innate existence (on the level of basic human VALUE) and otherwise true meaning, especially in relationships. In fact, equality is silently resisted, and for reasons most people aren’t willing to hear let alone consider. I mean, are [all] women seriously ready to be in the [mandatory] draft to war (like men)? Also, WHERE, on God’s green earth, are the GARBAGE-women at?!
I digress. Equality is unrealistic; equity, on the other hand, is imperative. But we’re not there yet, not even close. We’re not ready to hear that men and women exist, operate, receive let alone lead in different ways. And, relationship-speaking, that there’s definitely a lack of “teamwork”, partnership, AND balance. Moreover, I emphasize on the balance of Masculine and Feminine energy and the polarities between men and women, because each has been weakening, shifting, and slowly reversing over time.
As much as women are triggered to hear it, they have had to step [primarily] into their masculine in order to feel safe and to survive. This really isn’t something to be offended by, when men and women exude BOTH masculine and feminine energy. *Again, men and women share both masculine and feminine energy, though each has their core – the key is balance.
You might say this is much behind the women *today* who have to, feel the need to, or desire to “do all”, “be all”, and “have all” (control). Is this as a result of men in their wounded masculine (toxic masculinity) or who have stepped primarily into the feminine (passiveness)? I believe so.
Wouldn’t that say one can’t [co]exist without the other? If you dove into the masculine and feminine energy characteristics you would probably think so, too. So it isn’t crazy to say that more women today are clashing with [unhealthy] masculine men AND passive men in this day in age. You can also look at it like this: magnets have a north and south pole. Opposites attract, identical poles repel.
And the reasons why brings me to my next (and probably most important) point…
Many women don’t feel truly safe with men
Whether this has been the case for some time (over decades), has been increasing exponentially in recent generations, or both is something to consider. In and of itself, women do not feel safe being in their feminine. It is very difficult for women to let go or remove their [masculine] armor, so to speak.
If you’ve ever been told or treated (by a man) that you are “too difficult” – that your needs and feelings are “too much” – then you know how it feels to be unsafe. As a result, and I say this gently and lovingly, more women have become rigid, insecure, guarded, demanding, hyper-sensitive, over-reactive, dominating/controlling, manipulative, independent, codependent, distrusting, easily attached…by over-thinking, explaining, doing, apologizing, sacrificing, and performing. But we’re really not ready to hear, let alone accept that just yet.
Women do not feel safe with a man who lacks moral integrity. He is arrogant, aggressive, and non-committal. This is the guy who truly couldn’t care less about how he makes you feel, nor does he have your best interest in mind or at heart. He idolizes his freedoms and ego, alongside his superior complex. He can be flaky, controlling, condescening (judgemental), possessive/jealous, argumentative or conflict-avoidant, and numb to his own feelings and emotions (insensitive). Yet he can also be hyper-sensitive (either by overreacting or withdrawing emotionally). He lacks emotional strength and deeply struggles with intimacy and vulnerability. Because, to him, that is a sign of “weakness”.
Women, in their masculine or wounded feminine, clash with this type of man because, as many women would say, he is looking for a submissive/weak target he can “dominate” (make as his inferior) that will “make him a sandwich”.
Women also do not feel safe with a man who is passive (Flash the sloth). He is insecure, unassertive, unstable, passive-aggressive, and hyper-sensitive (or avoidant when it comes to big or negative emotions). This is the guy who also lacks emotional strength, direction, and motivation, and is usually in need of “saving” or rescuing.
Passivity doesn’t mean he’s incapable – though, he could be – he’s simply indifferent. To be frank, you will be the default – provider, protector, caregiver, [etc.]. This is someone who will not or refuses to take initiative. He prefers to be on the sidelines while you play or even coach the game. So, again, you could say this is someone who isn’t looking for a Lover or partner, but another mother-figure who will assume the reins and carry all the weight.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Women, in their masculine and in their feminine, will clash with this type of man because, as many women would say, he is “lazy“, not a “leader” or “equal partner”, and not “manly” [masculine] enough (on a level of chemistry).
So what does this *safety* look and feel like (because that’s what matters)? *Safety is comprised of the perfect balance of healthy feminine and masculine energy!
- Being expressive (of thoughts, feelings, and emotions)
- Being receptive and present (to feelings, emotions, sensuality/pleasure, and the receiving of Love (affection, expression); less distracted, withdrawn, and closed off)
- Holding space (for feelings and emotions) instead of resisting them or reacting to them (receiving feelings and emotions as a personal attack)
- Free-flowing yet grounded (unrestrained, moves through life with grace, is creative, confident, willing, secure, capable)
- Self-connected (intuitive, reflective, discerning, authentic, aware, honors herself [values, personal boundaries], self-worth, self-validated)
- Radiates (doesn’t shrink or make herself “small”)
- Nurturing (compassionate, empathetic, supportive, protective, kindness)
- Soft (tenderness, meekness, sensitivity, openness, patience, allowing) *This is NOT mistaken for weakness!
- Assertive and decisive (initiative, responsible, accountable, clear direction and intention, healthy boundaries, knows what she wants, asks for what she needs, has individual beliefs, thoughts and opinions)
- Trusting (forgiving, committing, humble, accepting, vulnerable, *surrendering) *Surrendering LITERALLY means to let go of what is not within your control; it also means to let go of control in order for the existence and presence of balance, peace and harmony.
And, alas, the only way a woman can feel truly safe being in her feminine is when a man allows and helps her to do so. BUT, as individuals, we need to focus on retraining that balance. *Again, I highly encourage you to look into healthy masculine and feminine energy.
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