Aside from the usual ‘How was your day?’ thrown in the mix of your daily check-in routine with your spouse, that should hopefully be the bare minimum. It’s not that ‘How was work?’ or ‘How did your day go?’ isn’t connection-focused as far as effort goes, but you know who else likely asks your spouse those similar questions? Co-workers, his boss, friends…maybe even his mom.
So, I mean, what I’m trying to say is…if you’re reaaaallly striving to create or deepen intimacy and that connection with your partner, you need to aim for vulnerability. Because let’s face it…’How was your day?’ doesn’t require much vulnerability – it barely scratches the surface if you really think about it. You could literally ask a complete stranger how their day was, without overstepping or overreaching, while that stranger can use the vague, external response, ‘Good,’ without peeling back any authentic, raw onion layers. It’s an easy question we learned early on associated with initiating connection/interaction (with others) as well as showing consideration, care, and love. You may even ask it unconsciously – without even a second thought.
It’s okay. We all do it – we all ask the simple-minded, comfortable, clock-work-like questions day after day. Why? Because we do care, we want to know more…we may just be stuck in the box we’re confined in. That’s why I created a Relationship Wellness Journal designed to do just that – to help you break out of the constraints of that box and to expand, heal, and grow your relationship.
The same way we have trained our minds to say to someone, ‘Hey! How are you? How was your day?’ – without even thinking about it – going deeper than the surface requires the same, conscious training. In other words, you’ve got to be proactive in connecting with your spouse more than just simply asking, ‘How was work today, honey?’ and expecting it to flourish on its own. Trust me, I still do it, too.
Your daily routine with your spouse may be at the dinner table, or as you both are unwinding down from work-mode by watching TV. It’s important to note that while you’re making an effort (in time) to create intimacy and nurture that connection with your partner that you’re also making the most of it – not simply killing two birds with one stone or treating it as a check-off your list of To-Dos or Partner-Obligations.
How to feel more connected to your spouse daily [20+ questions]
It’s important to set aside any differences you may have, such as who carries the greater load or who should ask who first. Next requires your own vulnerability – being able to take in and accept feedback you may not want to hear (that which may come across as criticism), and to focus on transforming that feedback into an opportunity for growth rather than succumbing to your defenses. Lastly, in order for that genuine connection to exist, you must remember that these are questions to be asked empathetically – meaning you as a witness, not a judge.
Inquire about their needs and offer your help
Being intentional about one another’s needs and offering help does not mean being mind-readers. Being intentional simply means inquiring, not assuming one another’s needs and wishes. Inquiring is about creating safety in the relationship – for your partner to feel comfortable having needs, having those needs met and being open to sharing their feelings in times of need or help.
“I can tell you’re [insert feeling/emotion] frustrated [optional: ‘about…what your dad said to you on the phone’], and I’m here to listen. Do you want to get this off your chest?“
“How can I be more supportive/helpful [optional: ‘ as you prepare for your interview this week’]?“
“Is there anything you need that you’re not getting, or lacking? “(In other words or ask additionally: how can I better fill your cup?)
“Evenings winding down have been stressful lately (i.e., baby, work, time-management). What can I do to make this time together more enjoyable/peaceful?“
“How can I be a better team-player for us?“
“In what ways do you feel you can rely on me most?” (Follow up question: How can I make you feel safe in relying on me?)
“What can I do to take some of the load off your shoulders?“
Be self-accountable
Being vulnerable also means being responsible for you, and holding yourself accountable for your part in the relationship. No partner is perfect at getting things right – by any means – for as long as you’re receptive and accepting of that truth. This includes hearing the hard truths of your partner’s reality where you may have hurt them, or you haven’t been meeting their needs. The idea isn’t to be or become perfect, but the goal always remains the same: proactively showing up and striving to be the best version of yourself for your partner and the relationship.
“When was a time last that I made you feel loved? “(Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel unloved?)
“When was a time last that I made you feel respected?” (Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel disrespected?)
“When was a time last that I made you feel appreciated?” (Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel unappreciated?)
“Is there something you’ve been wanting to discuss with me but are hesitant to bring up?“
“Is there anything you feel you can’t share with me?” (Follow-up question: What can I do to help you feel safe in sharing your burdens with me?)
Notice the little, minute details
In order to even connect with your partner at all, you have to want to know your partner. And not just for the things you like about them, but for what they like and who they actually are (not who you want or hope them to be). It’s being genuinely interested in their interests, passions, and experiences, even if you don’t like or resonate with them at all. Basically, connecting with your partner also requires seeing beyond what you want or allow yourself to see.
(Because you saw this half laughing, half beaming smile on your partner’s face as they walked in the door from work) “You seemed happy walking in the door – what brought you delight today?“
(You know your partner has a passion for reading, and they just started a new book) How is that new book you started reading? (Follow up question(s): What do you like/don’t like about it so far? What are your predictions of how it will end?)
(You know a particular event or situation has been on your partner’s mind lately) “I know you have been hoping for an apology from your mom – have you heard from her recently?“
(You know your partner has a particular interest in something you do not and/or know nothing about) “Do you know if your [favorite band] is having a concert nearby this year? I know how much you love them.“
(You greet your partner with something they enjoy, but also because this gives you an idea of how they’re day went) “Can I … pour you a beer… make you some tea… order us some takeout… help you undress… join you in the shower?“
You can’t express too much gratitude (synonyms: honor, indebtedness, recognition)
Gratitude goes beyond ‘thank you’ – even if that’s saying thank you to the things you expect, where no thanks is really needed. Leave that mindset at the door, because everyone desires to be recognized for what they do, no matter how big or small. And acknowledging those things day after day – I promise – can facilitate that closeness many are longing for with their partner.
“If nobody told you today, I appreciate you going above and beyond for us. Did you have to put out any ‘fires’ today?“
“Thank you for always remembering trash day and taking it out. What do you think makes us a good team?“
(Switch up how you express ‘thanks’) “It makes me so proud to see the passion you have for your job [aka. ‘thank you for working so hard’]. What’s your biggest motivator when it comes to work?“
“You deserve… a break… some me-time… some relief. What can I do for you tonight so you can relax?“
“It means so much that my success is important to you. What makes you feel on top of the world when you succeed at things in life?“
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