Move On To Being Happy [How To Get Over Him FOR GOOD!]

Breakups are hard, but remaining stuck in the emotions of a breakup can hurt WORSE. How do you know you’re stuck? Everything – I mean everything – brings you back to that very spot where you begin to question, well, everything.

Why did it have to end?

Why didn’t he care or love me enough? Was I ever worth it to him?

Maybe if I had been more [this] or [that] things would have been different.

Maybe if HE had just been [this] or [that] we wouldn’t be in this position – he NEEDS to know.

I can’t bring myself to get rid of him totally from my life (that would mean I am officially on my own) – I want to, but I just can’t.

Ugh, but why does everything have to remind me of him/us – the good times – maybe the bad times weren’t as bad as I made them out to be.

I should just spill my guts to him – that will bring me closure – and maybe it will turn everything around for the better!

A breakup is that very period in our lives where we need to give ourselves the most grace, and patience. Not to rush our emotions or depend solely on what our ego is telling us, but to really fully feel, then heal when we’re ready. And when you’re ready, you’ll know, because doing whatever necessary to be happy will be more important to your soul than to dwindle on residual emotions that keep you in the same place.

Moving on may take a week, six months or a year – with no restriction to how long your relationship actually lasted.

In fact, it took me longer to move on from a three month relationship than my serious two year relationship.

No joke.

Woman-to-woman, getting over a relationship isn’t avoidable (don’t listen to those who say otherwise). And no amount of rebounds will ever be a fix-all solution to dealing with the cluttered mess inside your head. Only you can do that, and simply avoiding it won’t make it all disappear – sorry.

So if we aren’t careful, we can get stuck suffering through a break up longer than we want or intend. This is also the moment our previous relationship can turn into serious unnecessary baggage.

Granted, everyone in life carries baggage to some extent – you just have to find the one who is willing to help you unpack. What you ultimately want to avoid is allowing that baggage to destroy any means of a lasting relationship in the future.

[Related Read: 4 Truths To Getting Over A Breakup (+ Turning It Into A Blessing)]

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Move On To Being Happy [How To Get Over Him FOR GOOD!]

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stop justifying his bad behavior

Everything he did, or didn’t do – stop making excuses for his poor choices, treatment and negative behavior. TBH, and I say this all the time, it really isn’t that difficult to be a good person and NOT do sh**** things – in life and to others. It should be as easy as breathing, and we need to acknowledge it like so in those we allow into our lives.

In post break up remorse, we are so inclined on weighing the good over the bad – even though during the relationship the bad outweighed the good by ten folds. Stop justifying why he cheated or lied,  when he used you solely for physical satisfaction with no emotional intent, or that he refused to make you and the relationship a priority.

More importantly, stop assuming the end result is your doing.

His lack of character, moral judgement and compassion for others is not on you, and it shouldn’t be excused.

change your dating mindset

I’ve never known a rebound to make the breaking up process any easier. In fact, I think having a rebound is like a delayed break up reaction – it only ends up filling you with false guilt, remorse and envy. It’s like a break up on steroids – it may look good and feel good temporarily, but it doesn’t exactly give you endurance when getting through the struggles of relationships.

But that’s just me and my observations.

So don’t bite the bullet and find someone new right out the gate, but start making the changes for when you are ready to get back on the saddle. Meaning, eliminate going to the places you would normally go looking, know your deal breakers as you witness them, set boundaries and limitations up front, and don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Meaning, the moment your gut instinct reacts to red flags – stop shooing them away like flies. They’re there for a reason.

It’s better to be alone and free than to be in the wrong relationship.

[Are you convinced he is worth holding onto? Find out if he’s really worth the fuss simply by your gut instinct with this FREE diagram!]

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delete his number

I’m serious.

Take him off your Facebook and Instagram (Twitter, LinkedIn and whatever else) for that matter. I’m dead serious. Because if you must know what it truly means to hold that tight of a grip on their existence in your life – it’s false hope.

The hope that one day it will work out again, that he will come to his senses and text or call you, see you tag another guy in your #selfiesaturday and feel inclined to write you on social media (begging you for another chance at making things right).

You know who finds it incredibly difficult to take this final step post breakup? Someone who fears loss or loneliness, and leans on the security of being in a relationship. Sure, there are minor exceptions to this (ie. you have kids together), but making him available and accessible to you isn’t going to move along the process of getting completely over him.

Bottom line: If it is REALLY, truly meant to be and work itself out, again, then it will happen without false hope.

remove yourself from his clique

Yeah, I know – it sucks. You sustained mutual friendships beyond the relationship with those he also interacts, hangs out with and uses as a support system. The problem is there can be tension from making that divide between friendship and relationship, which can cause sticky situations on both ends.

Are they going to be able to support you and him separately – or will they take sides?

Are they going to treat the friendship as a separate entity – or will they take sides?

I’m not saying these friendships aren’t real and can’t last, but when there are constant ties to that residual connection of a previous relationship it can make the moving on process that much more difficult.

fix yourself, not the relationship

Stop worrying about what you could have done, should have said, wanted to do but couldn’t, or meant to say but didn’t. Stop trying to change what is and accept where the relationship has brought you to this point.

A break up is not the time to spend overthinking the past, it’s the start to learning from your mistakes and creating a better environment for your next relationship. You owe it to the next person who comes into your life – to not string along negative energy from the previous guy.

But the most important relationship that needs healing first (whether we think it or not) is the relationship with yourself. Start giving and showing yourself the qualities you want in someone else, which will actually deter those who treat you any less from even standing a chance.

The Love you give yourself is the kind of Love you will attract – remember that.

[Related Read: Why Women With Self Worth Have Successful Relationships]

start something new

One of the biggest words of advice I was given during a break up was to create newness – that we cannot heal in the environment which made us sick.

Alright, I’m not telling you to move. I mean, unless you lived together and you absolutely…want…to? Hey, that’s all you. But start something new – pick up a new hobby, sport, class, or weekly hang out spot. Change your wardrobe, color your hair or chop it off (maybe get extensions), or go buy that expensive thing you always wanted. Take that trip (go solo or bring the girls), join a volunteer group, write a book or get involved in the latest craze, like essential oils, meditation, or some other creative outlet (hey, like this – a blog).

The point is to create newness in your life. Get your mind stimulated away from the toxicity of your previous relationship. You shouldn’t leave yourself at a point of only holding your head above water – get your damn self a boat and start rowing to shore, girl!

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memorabilia is self-sabotage – stow it or get rid of it

However you want to see it, or un-see it. 

Does leaving that picture of you and him out on your coffee table really do any good? Sure, memories are fine – you will have enough of them upstairs for as long as you live, or want to remember.

I’m talking about your brain here.

But that stuffed bear he got you for Valentine’s Day, the bracelet he gave you on your birthday, and the unlimited photos of you being cutsy and cuddly at this place, that place and the next – get rid of them or at least store store them out of eye’s reach.

My husband was the first person, and only person, I ever lived with – outside of my parent’s house. Up until he asked me to move in with him, I kept a “Keep Sake” shoe box. It contained special pictures, mementos and small items given to me from previous relationships. I kept it hidden deep in my closet at my parent’s house, but once I moved in with my boyfriend I got rid of that shoe box for good.

I quickly learned that the physical stuff are no longer memories, but a self-sabotaging reminder. This is stuff we need to be willing to release.

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allow yourself to feel, but don’t allow it to dictate you

Go ahead, girl – feel the sadness, the anger or pity, guilt and frustration. But there is a difference between feeling, and allowing what you feel to affect you and dictate your life moving forward. Steer clear of this process, because once it starts it’s incredibly hard to shake!

It starts with consistently cancelling on Friday girls night because you just don’t feel up to it, refusing to go back to the gym because you’re tired and unmotivated and finding every excuse to call out sick at work because you don’t see the point of not getting any work done.

Here’s the thing – I get it. Break ups can require a mental health check – that little bit of time to grieve (so to speak), and sulk in our misery and emotions.

Here’s what we fail to do: unplug ourselves, set a timer then get back up and plug back in.

Set aside that week where you binge watch Netflix romance movies, order out every night, call out of work “sick” a few days and maybe even skip girls night or the gym that week. But when that week is over, plug yourself back in – no excuses, exceptions or reasons! Our mind is a powerful thing, and if we train it to do what it was created for – we can essentially get through anything with the right attitude.

Do NOT allow a failed relationship to dictate your happiness and purpose in life.