How to get over him for good, and move on

Breakups are hard, but remaining stuck in heartache is debilitating. Woman to woman, here’s how to get over him for good, and move on to being happy. But how do you know you’re stuck? Everything – I mean everything – brings you back to that very spot where you begin to question, well, everything.

Why did it have to end?

Why didn’t he care or love me enough? Was I ever worth it to him?

Maybe if I had been more [this] or [that] things would have been different.

Maybe if HE had just been [this] or [that] we wouldn’t be in this position – he NEEDS to know.

I can’t bring myself to get rid of him totally from my life (that would mean I am officially on my own) – I want to, but I just can’t.

Ugh, but why does everything have to remind me of him/us – the good times – maybe the bad times weren’t as bad as I made them out to be.

I should just spill my guts to him – that will bring me closure – and maybe it will turn everything around for the better!

A breakup is that very period in our lives where we need to give ourselves the most grace, and patience. Not to hush our emotions or depend solely on what our ego is telling us, but to really fully feel, then heal when we’re ready. And when you’re ready, you’ll know, because doing whatever necessary to be happy will be more important to your soul than to dwindle on residual emotions that keep you in the same place.

Moving on may take a week, six months or a year – with no restriction to how long your relationship actually lasted. In fact, it took me longer to move on from a three month relationship than my serious two year relationship.

No joke.

Moving on from a relationship isn’t avoidable (don’t listen to those who say otherwise). No amount of rebounds will ever be a fix-all solution to dealing with the cluttered mess inside your head. Only you can do that, and simply avoiding it won’t make it all disappear – sorry.

So if we aren’t careful, we can get stuck suffering through a break up longer than we want or intend. This is also the moment our previous relationship can turn into serious unnecessary baggage. Granted, everyone in life carries baggage to some extent – you just have to find the one who is willing to help you unpack. What you ultimately want to avoid is allowing that baggage to destroy any means of a lasting relationship in the future.

[Related Read: 4 Truths To Getting Over A Breakup (+ Turning It Into A Blessing)]

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How to get over him for good, and move on

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stop justifying his bad behavior

Everything he did, or didn’t do – stop making excuses for his poor choices and maltreatment. It really isn’t that difficult to be a good person and NOT do sh**** things – in life and to others.

In post break up remorse, we are so inclined on weighing the good over the bad – even though during the relationship the bad outweighed the good by ten folds. Stop justifying why he cheated or lied, that he took you for granted, or refused to make you and the relationship a priority. His lack of character, moral judgement and integrity is not on you, and it shouldn’t be excused.

change your dating mindset

I’ve never known a rebound to make the breaking up process any easier. If I’m honest, every so-called rebound I toyed with made things worse, not better. Moving from relationship to relationship, or prospect to prospect, is like delaying the effects of a breakup. Eventually this is stored up until it explodes uncontrollably and you’re blind-sided.

Changing your dating mindset looks different for everyone, but it’s important to start with the obvious. What are you tolerating or accepting that you would never advise a friend to? What are you justifying or excusing in order to satisfy that itch (i.e., affection, attention, false connection, approval or acceptance from others)?

It’s better to be alone and free than to be in the wrong or low-quality relationship.

delete his number

Take him off your Facebook and Instagram (Twitter, LinkedIn and whatever else) for that matter. Because if you must know what it truly means to hold that tight of a grip on their existence in your life – it’s false hope. The hope that one day it will work out again, that he will come to his senses and text or call you, see you tag another guy in your #selfiesaturday and feel inclined to write you on social media (begging you for another chance at making things right).

You know who finds it incredibly difficult to take this final, actionable and semi-permanent step post breakup? Someone who fears letting go, loneliness, and leans on the security of simply being in a relationship. While sharing children in this scenario surely complicates things, but making him readily available and accessible to you in all ways isn’t going to help move your feelings along.

Bottom line: If it is REALLY, truly meant to be and work itself out, again, then it will happen without false hope.

remove yourself from his clique

Yeah, I know – this one sucks. You sustained mutual friendships beyond the relationship with those he also interacts, hangs out with and uses as a support system. The problem is dividing formed friendships within a relationship, which can cause sticky situations on both ends.

I’m not saying these friendships aren’t real and can’t last, but when outside parties are forced into a position to take sides or prioritize one over the other, it can make the moving on process that much more difficult.

better yourself, not the relationship

Stop worrying about what you could have done, should have said, wanted to do but couldn’t, or meant to say but didn’t. Stop trying to change what is and accept where the relationship is at this point.

A break up is not the time to spend overthinking the past, it’s the start to learning from your mistakes and creating a better environment for your next relationship. You owe it to the next person who comes into your life – to not string along negative energy from the previous guy.

But the most important relationship that needs healing first (whether we think it or not) is the relationship with yourself. Start giving and showing yourself the qualities you want in someone else, which will actually deter those who treat you any less from even standing a chance.

When you focus on bettering yourself that will be reflected in your next relationship – remember that.

[Related Read: Why Women With Self Worth Have Successful Relationships]

remove yourself from the place of pain

One of the biggest words of advice I was given during a break up was to create newness – that we cannot heal in the environment which made us sick.

Alright, I’m not telling you to move. I mean, unless you live together – it would be wise to. 

Healing the nature of the environment that sickened/sickens you can mean making a change or starting something new. Pick up a new hobby, sport, class, or weekly hang out spot. Change your habits – maybe an unhealthy habit – or your routine. Filter through your friendship circle and groups you hang out with. Make a new commitment, like to bible study or a book club every week.

The point is to create newness in your life. Get your mind stimulated away from the toxicity of your previous relationship. You shouldn’t leave yourself at a point of only holding your head above water – get yourself a boat and start rowing to shore, girl!

memorabilia is self-sabotage – stow it or get rid of it

However you want to see it, or un-see it. 

Does leaving that picture of you and him out on your coffee table really do any good? Sure, memories are fine – you will have enough of them upstairs for as long as you live, or want to remember.

I’m talking about your brain here.

But that stuffed bear he got you for Valentine’s Day, the bracelet he gave you on your birthday, and the unlimited photos of you being cutsy and cuddly at this place, that place and the next – get rid of them or at least store store them out of eye’s reach.

My husband was the first person, and only person, I ever lived with – outside of my parent’s house. Up until he asked me to move in with him, I kept a “Keep Sake” shoe box. It contained special pictures, mementos and small items given to me from previous relationships. I kept it hidden deep in my closet at my parent’s house, but once I moved in with my boyfriend I got rid of that shoe box for good.

I quickly learned that the physical stuff are no longer memories, but a self-sabotaging reminder. This is stuff we need to be willing to release.

allow yourself to feel, but don’t allow it to dictate you

Go ahead, girl – feel the sadness, the anger or pity, guilt and frustration. But there is a difference between feeling, and allowing what you feel to affect you and dictate your life moving forward. Steer clear of this process, because once it starts it’s incredibly hard to shake!

It starts with consistently cancelling on Friday girls night because you would *prefer* to sulk, refusing to go back to the gym because you’re tired and unmotivated, and finding every excuse to call out sick at work because you don’t see the point of not getting any work done.

Here’s the thing – I get it. Break ups can require a mental health check – temporarily checking out may be necessary! Here’s what we fail to do: unplug ourselves, set a timer then get back up and plug back in.

Set aside that week where you binge watch Netflix romance movies, order out every night, call out of work “sick” a few days and maybe even skip girls night or the gym that week. But when that week is over, plug yourself back in. Our mind is a powerful thing, and if we train it to do what it was created for – we can essentially get through anything with the right attitude.

Do NOT allow a failed relationship to dictate your happiness and direct your purpose in life.