8 What-ifs that ruin a good relationship [+ A chance at Love]

Our entire existence seeks and thrives on connection, yet we forget that Love in its entirety is also based on faith. Having faith in the good in someone without pretenses.

You know, not judging a book by its cover or assuming that the next person will be anything like the last.

It’s being able to see every new prospect as a blank canvas, so to speak. This logic has really helped change my negative mindset from previous relationships. Faith in Love means taking that chance of someone Loving you back authentically and wholeheartedly – without comparing to anyone or anything else.  It is taking the risk that someone will Love you, cherish and honor you – someone who will choose you til the end. It’s also believing in something where we ultimately have no control from the other side, as terrifying as that is.

Well, because I think that’s the point. Love is giving someone the power to destroy you….yet trusting they won’t. Hence the fear and lack of trust and self-trust many have. Thanks to heartache and those who have wronged you, from there marks the ever-growing What-Ifs that can control your way of thinking throughout your future relationships. What you don’t realize is that fear and doubt can also destroy you, as well as rob your chances at really ever knowing true Love.

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8 What-Ifs That Ruin A Good Relationship [+ A Chance At Love]

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what if… he is just like the last guy

Back to blank canvas logic. Don’t paint a picture of someone before having looked deep into their eyes. No one person is guaranteed to be like another, especially under the surface. Unfortunately, the way I see it, men also think this way of women. So this is actually common ground both sexes share – generalizing.

LBH, if you go around predicting every guy to be shady based on the last, that will 1. present itself in your attitude and actions, and 2. cause any guy to feel incapable or inadequate of giving you Love as well as receiving it. No one wants to have to prove themselves worthy if in your mind they are already set up to fail in the first place. If we consider the vice versa, would you want to be held responsible for the poison someone else caused? I doubt it.

So the way to rid of this nasty, unrealistic mindset is through self-healing. It’s realizing that just because of one, three, or five hurtful people that tore your life to shreds, doesn’t mean the world and everyone else will follow suit.

what if… he isn’t who he says he is

Unfortunately getting to know someone (hopefully their true self) is part of the dating journey that is unavoidable. If you find yourself constantly wondering and worrying if he’s just too good to be true, this is an internal struggle with self-trust. A common occurrence is when everything is seemingly going well until suddenly your significant other does something to create doubt (when that something may or may not have been detrimental). You may start to doubt who they are and the relationship entirely over something minuscule. Remember, unresolved or unhealed past hurt can stir up insecurities and distrust that aren’t necessarily rational.

An exercise that helps you to understand where you are in your reality is by focusing on the self and asking why.

“I feel like I can’t trust him when he doesn’t respond to my texts after 8pm.” Why? “Because I’m scared that he may be with someone else during that time and hiding it from me.” Why? “Because I’ve been lied to before in the past, and it seems to be a pattern with people I date.” WHY?

You see where I’m going with this? Dig. Deep.

On the flip side, it may be common to envision or create a perception of someone the way you want/hope them to be rather than for as they truly are. This often looks like making excuses or justifying poor behavior. “He routinely goes MIA and ignores me for days on end, but when we’re together I know he’s super into me (AKA – the mix of chaos and chemistry lures me in time and time again).“

Enjoy the good, but don’t let the “too good to be true” aspect get to your head in the wrong ways. This can lead you to sabotage every good thing that comes into your life.

what if… he cheats or lies

That’s a reflection of how he feels about himself, who he is, and his own unresolved healing.

Deceit is another thing you really can’t control, because cheating is ultimately a personal decision, regardless. Setting boundaries can work for two individuals who mutually agree on the ethics of deceit and infidelity, which can serve as a beneficial layer of “protection” through the foundation of trust. But, again, it boils down to the individual choosing to be honest and faithful regardless of circumstances. This is called integrity. And unfortunately many allow their past wounds, deepest insecurities and ego to supercede that.

With that said, if he has the intent to be deceptive, he will do so no matter how deep your Love, what you sacrifice, or all that you do and give. But by worrying you only imprison yourself to fear, and that only ends up depriving you of receiving authentic Love and affection.

what if… I can’t trust or forgive him

When it comes to trust, you really only have two options: to forgive yourself for not knowing better and allow him room to change and grow, or to move on entirely.

We live in a world where many have a very difficult time forgiving, mainly because forgiveness is viewed as serving the perpetrator, reconciliation, and excusing faulty behavior. For lack of better words, it’s difficult not to visualize forgiveness like this:

Perpetrator: f*cks up (severity and quantity is irrelevant) – *demands/begs for forgiveness in order to avoid further conflict/retaliation, shame/guilt, and abandonment.

Victim: offers forgiveness – *permanently deletes memory(ies) of inflicted pain.

Perpetrator: rap sheet instantaneously restarts at *0 – “I’m a free man/woman – my record is now clean!”.

What we mistake is the fact that forgiveness is actually for ourselves, not the deceiver – as unimagineable as it seems, especially for those who DESIRE reconciliation or justice (retribution).

What it actually sounds like is, “I forgive you [yourself] for feeling this way – for the pain, bitterness, resentment, and vengeance.” or “I forgive you [yourself] for allowing [perpetrator] to affect/have access to your feelings and inner peace.” What this does is essentially validates your reality with a sense of security (self-trust) in, yes, letting go or moving on. This IS why it often takes people a long time to truly “forgive” when self-trust has been neglected.

Your self-worth is the epitome of how you allow others to treat you – remember that. So if you’re asking yourself whether or not you can trust or forgive them, ask yourself this instead: What am I not willing to tolerate, point blank? So when boundaries are crossed, lines should also be drawn. Consider your breaking point – what would it absolutely take for you to leave the relationship (without a sudden doubt or concern in your mind because it’s the right thing for your well-being)?

[Related Read: Why Women With Self Worth Have More Successful Relationships]

what if… he finds someone better

I saw a quote recently that resonated with me on this matter.

“In your partner’s eyes, you are to be the focal representation of beauty, and all that is.”

Granted I worded that a bit differently, but ugh, isn’t that just so beautiful? The point is that beauty isn’t a set standard, it is unique. Every woman is beautiful in their own unique way, and in the eyes of someone else.

The harsh reality is: yes, anyone can always do better than what they have.

My husband could absolutely do better (if he went out in search of it), and the thing is… of course, so could I. Unfortunately, that would lead to a continuous cycle of always seeking better than what you have. But there’s also always the risk of sacrificing something, too. I hate to be the one to say we can’t have it all, but we really do need to get our heads out of the sand. That is why it is called commitment – it’s about choosing.

The difference is – out of the billions of people in this world – I chose my husband, and he chose me, and that must be enough.

So know this: you are enough, and to someone else you are more.

what if… he doesn’t want to get married

Or vice versa – if we’re considering that not everyone aspires to be. This is hopefully something you find out earlier in the relationship rather than later.

If he does, great, but if not that is also not your cue to stay in the relationship in hopes they will change their mind, or even for you.

We need to stop believing and romanticizing we are somehow “the one” to fix or change that. The best chance you have at not wasting your time, energy and investment is by making your marital aspirations clear from the very beginning of the relationship. And even then, people do change their minds. So it’s up to you to decide what matters most to you if and when you are faced with that crossroad.

what if… he stops loving me

Can it be safe to say this is something we ALL fear in Love?

Are there days I fear my husband will suddenly stop Loving me? Absolutely.

Why? Because, ultimately, you have no control in how your partner feels nor can you make them Love you.

That goes without saying you do have an impact on the relationship – through the willingness to acknowledge and attune to your partner’s needs –  but Love is still a two-way street.

I say this time and time again throughout my posts on TML, but Love is a choice. To Love someone is a choice made each and every second, minute, and hour of every day.

If one day your partner stops Loving you, it’s because they made the choice to stop Loving you. Whether that be from not feeling adequately Loved in return (the way he wants to be Loved), separation of growth as a couple, arising feelings outside the relationship, infidelity, the unwillingness/inability to forgive, and so on.

But if I spend my days worrying about something I ultimately cannot control, no matter how much I Love my husband, this is something that can and will eventually poison my attitude, efforts and overall trust in him and the relationship.

This is also where a transparent relationship is key, with the practice of open lines of communication, honesty and integrity.

what if… I can’t let go/move forward

You will.

If or when life throws you an unwanted curve ball in your relationship, getting over the emotions from a life of memories you built with someone was never intended to be easy. If it were, then the relationship truly never meant that much to you in the first place.

And if that were the case you would have an extremely difficult time growing and learning from your relationships.

In turn you are more likely to end up in the wrong ones.

So in a way the pain of heartache should be something positive to take away from every relationship, because it means you are acknowledging your feelings and have already started on a path toward healing and self growth (even when it seems you haven’t).

[Related Read: The Truths To Getting Over A Break Up + Getting Over Him For Good]

Remember,

In life and Love, positivity is a choice.

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