Love makes us do crazy things. This is true. Some for the better and some not. We forget that Love is intentional and not always impulsive. You may frequently hear through the grapevine of love advice to simply go with the flow and let Love happen. And sure, you should, but hearing that doesn’t mean you are to eliminate all sense of self-awareness and logic.
Sometimes personal judgment has its setbacks, even if unintentional. It isn’t uncommon for relationships to test you (like your insecurities and fears), causing you to behave in a way or become someone you’re not. This can mean a multitude of things, such as that you are in the wrong [unhealthy] relationship or you have lost touch with yourself (losing yourself in the relationship). Or, from conditional upbringing and previous relationships, you have recurring and repetitive patterns you struggle to break. Alas, you could be setting yourself and the relationship up for failure, and ultimately driving him away.
![11 Things That Can Drive Him Away [That You Might Already Be Doing] | If it seems like everything you do (or don't) scares off every guy around you, don't worry - it's not always your fault. Relationships are fickle, and they have a way of changing you into someone you're not even when you don't mean to. The key is in self awareness. So if you have any of these qualities that may be driving guys away, it's time to make a change in you and the types of guys you date | #dating #relationshipadvice | theMRSingLink](https://i0.wp.com/themrsinglink.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/11-Things-That-Can-Drive-Him-Away-That-You-Might-Already-Be-Doing-pin.jpg?resize=717%2C1170&ssl=1)
11 Ways you may be unintentionally driving him away
You make him the center of your being, and life
It’s not that you’re not allowed to care, but at what point does making him the sole or primary focus of your life compensate your own autonomy (individuality), your needs and wants, and the points of interest that drew him to you in the first place? Maybe your friends become almost nonexistent, your work begins to suffer, you spend less time on yourself (fulfilling your needs go on the backburner), and every minute of your [free] time (made, spared and sacrificed) goes to him above all else.
An obsessively controlling or insecure guy may be totally OK with (and actually ‘expects’) your existence to constantly revolve around his world, his needs, wants, and demands, but the right guy actually only wants to be a part of your life.
Meaning, a life aside from him. He may be the love of your life – that’s perfectly fine – but never allow your love for someone else to take away from the life that attracted love to you in the first place.
You make all the decisions for him
Since when are you his mother? He [probably] has one already.
Need I remind you, you’re also not dating a child, or a build-a-man.
That’s not saying guys don’t fancy being taken care of, but on a level where they are no longer treated as an independent is bound to leave them feeling incapable, inhibited (controlled) or inadequate. From the way he cuts or styles his hair, his diet regimen, level of hygiene, and physical appearance to career choices, life milestones, and aspirations as well as when and how often he can see friends and family.
Key point: we have to understand there are bound to be things (about someone) that will be an inconvenience to you. And remember, boundaries are healthy – necessary, in fact. But you shouldn’t confuse boundaries with unrealistic ultimatums.
Being the girl with many faces
Today you’re Sincere Sally, tomorrow you’re Uncompassionate Ursula.
I’m not talking about hormonal fluctuations, either.
It’s when your personality changes so abruptly and constantly that it literally leaves him wondering who you really are. You may be consciously aware of this, and it will eventually catch up to you. Although, insecurities, distrust, envy, jealousy, and low self-esteem can be triggered like a switch. These are factors you will need to unpack from the source or root on your own.
On the flip side, many even chameleonize in their relationships or define themselves (or their worth) in others. You mold, bend, and conform to the other person’s needs, wants, preferences, and beliefs while ignoring and neglecting your own. This can also be an indirect way/attempt to change or control someone – for instance, as a way in order to keep someone coming back or to stay in your life.
It’s all about the status
As in your social ‘image’, or status as a couple.
I won’t be one to push and shove because I’m a total believer in taking cutesy photos together and updating your Facebook status to say “In a relationship” (you live in the 21st century where social media is your digital life resume – when you’re truly interested in someone, sorry, but you actually want others in your social bubble to know it).
Though I will say there is still a thin, blurred line. Obsessing over tagged posts and pictures, or nagging him to update his Facebook relationship status after the 2nd date may seem absolutely harmless in your eyes when it’s actually destructive. I’m also not oblivious -there are those in cahoots of doing whatever means necessary to convince their man to profess their love, for the world to see, on social media.
It’s important to be aware of how far we are pushing the boundary between seeking authentic affirmation and unjust or superficial demands. When self-absorption and self-image become more important than him, and the actual relationship, is when bigger problems arise.
Too much, too soon
I think this mostly pertains to the early stages of dating, but it’s fairly simple: there are just some things better left unsaid, or said less often. Texting, for instance – there’s a ‘respectable’ frequency before it comes off as annoying, unnecessary, and overbearing.
I’m just going to lay that out there.
More importantly, the chips should fall as they may rather than be repeatedly shoved down his throat. Meaning, more of your focus should go towards the quality of communication in person versus how much is being communicated over text.
And while you might simply be nudging at the fact you’re nearing 30 and would like to ‘get the ball rolling’ in life [cough cough] – like as in having kids yesterday – he could be interpreting an entirely different message. One that may be leaning him on a different track that no longer involves you, if you’re not careful. That doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to share and express your ‘life aspirations’ – please, by all means, you should (especially with someone you’re into long-term) – it’s about how pressing you are to reach certain checkpoints.
Sure, the last guy might have been smitten by you delving into your ideal life timeline – the wedding, the big house, and maybe even your birth plan – that doesn’t mean one size fits all. Besides, it’s not always the actual topic that drives him away, it’s the desperation, haste, persistence, and unrealistic expectation(s) in your approach.
If certain conversations haven’t flared up in the natural process of dating (exclusivity, moving in together, marriage or offspring) and the relationship isn’t moving at a pace that is parallel to both your feelings (for each other) and growth (as a couple), the last thing you should do is hound someone into aligning with your wavelength.
Invading his space and privacy
Am I talking about willingly walking in on him using the bathroom? Sure, we could go there, too. Personal space and privacy should be equally valued and respected, especially when asked of. But I’m mostly referring to the showing up at his place unannounced, or better yet uninvited – like when you know he’s having a game night with the bros. Or having unapologetic entitled access to go snooping through his phone (and social media accounts).
Yes, even if deceit or unfaithfulness is prevalent. I hate to say it but playing detective or acting like his mother with eyes behind your back by taking away his [freedom] phone rights will not – I REPEAT – will NOT make him see or value the importance of honesty, loyalty, or trust.
It also won’t keep him from doing it again, either.
Transparency in relationships is super important, but going about that in the “what’s yours is mine – for whatever and whenever I want it” approach will only make him respect you less and distrust you, even if he’s completely in the wrong.
Here’s a tip: if he’s not willingly open (and honest) with you on his life, decisions, whereabouts, external friendships/relationships, and anything considered a ‘courtesy’ of respect for your relationship, that isn’t your cue to start prying it out of him. If he is, that also isn’t an invitation to take full advantage by stripping him of his personal space and privacy.
You’re whacking the man’s horse, cowgirl
The truth is… guys are just as sensitive as we are, but they act on it and display it in different ways. They are also more likely to internalize their feelings than to express them, and they’re better at compartmentalizing in terms of significance and relevancy. Meaning, they decide what’s more important and store what boxes are left upstairs.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t affected by their feelings, either.
So as tough as we think men are or are supposed to be, we oftentimes seriously downplay some of the things we say and do with no regard. We (both sexes) joke constantly about controversial things these days, but we also aren’t willing to admit their impact in all seriousness when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships.
And it should be absolutely no surprise that men love to be respected – in fact, that is how they feel most loved. With that in mind, if you are critical or judgemental of things such as his job/salary, his efforts as a boyfriend, or his performance in the bedroom, his ego is likely to take the reins, which means you may not/won’t get the reaction, change, improvement or response you were hoping for.
Sorry, but we all have one – some easier to crack than others.
Making irrational assumptions
I will always stand by this quote because it fits perfectly with just about anything in life, “You don’t know until you know.“
You’re not a mind reader or a fortune teller. Neither is he.
Those who tend to make assumptions are also fixated on being right while also being validated. The problem is when you allow your emotional response or reaction to create something out of nothing, or to make assumptions based on only what you know and don’t know. So when he didn’t call you at the exact time he said he would, you have a freakout and propose that he was being deceptive even though you also don’t have a clue what he’s actually been up to all day.
Alas, your emotions become more important than logic, the inability to decipher more than one reason he may not have called when he said he would. This behavior can be a surefire way to make someone withdraw from you, close off emotionally and run for the hills.
Comparing him to that guy, or that couple
Your best friend’s boyfriend, the random guy you witnessed doing something romantic for their date, or worse…your ex. Comparison is the root of unhappiness and the thief of joy. If we live in the mindset of always wanting more than what we have… nothing in this world or life will ever be enough.
So why do you compare every aspect of your relationship to others? As much as envy is actually natural to experience – I mean, we are human – there’s a difference between needing to feel inferior in order to get what we want from others or someone.
For instance, when you complain how much [that] couple travels together to new places and that you both never do anything fun together, you are subconsciously implying that he, or the relationship, would be more ideal if you were like [that] couple.
That is like saying, “what you do and who you are is not enough to make me happy.” GRANTED, every couple and relationship enter lulls, but the right guy won’t stand for being told that he isn’t measuring up to someone else.
There is nothing wrong with needing or wanting to make adjustments or improvements, but the way this is construed is crucial. For example, if you want to travel more together, simply state that you would like to see new places, do something fun, make more vacation plans, or spend more time [alone] together.
You’re jealous and possessive
When your insecurities have taken over, a sense of control may seem like your only way in relieving them. In enough time, you will be accustomed to thinking that is love, when it is absolutely not. In relationships, jealousy is merely a 2nd cousin to distrust, so don’t be fooled into thinking that can be dealt with through control.
Like when you told him he isn’t allowed to interact with that attractive co-worker… because in your mind you’re doing that out of love, and you love him.
The simple fact is you have to be able to trust that he will make the right decisions (for himself, for you, and the relationship) – you can’t do that for him. If you’re easily jealous and creepily possessive of him, the real issue isn’t him, what he’s doing or not. It’s why you continue to avoid confronting what’s really eating away at you, underneath all that.
You let your inner b*tch define you
Yeah, I’m dead serious.
I genuinely believe the reason for those with piss poor attitudes and who are characterized by spiteful, entitled, or arrogant behavior towards others is the fear of being vulnerable. That, in a sense, being hurt [wrong, taken advantage, challenged, ‘weak’/soft, incompetent, criticized, etc.] is worse than being disliked/hated by those around them. It’s easier to make others feel inferior than to address and acknowledge our own weaknesses or insecurities.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]That inner b*tch can display itself through crazy high, unrealistic demands, how you react to and treat others in public and behind closed doors, or the way you handle misfortunes and conflict in life and with others, just to name a few. So if you’re one to trash talk the waiter over failure to bring napkins, your friends when they cancel plans last minute, or even his very own, trust me when I say he will take that into account toward your character.
All I’m saying is a b*itchy attitude isn’t sexy, and I’m not talking about the woman who knows what she wants and deserves. There’s a way to get it without coming across as rude, arrogant, or entitled. Because the truth is…nobody owes you anything in this world, so how you treat others in given circumstances speaks volumes. Therefore, a guy in his right mind wants a woman who is confident yet humble, who sees and treats others at eye level (not beneath her), and can take a stand without compromising respect. I know we aren’t perfect –we all have that fickle inner b*tch that rises from the waters without warning. But when it comes to life and your relationships it’s crucial to never let your ego take the wheel, and to define you, and your relationship.