If you’re looking for Love, dating can be hard, especially in a very digital-focused, online-based world. From simply meeting people to actually getting to know them has changed, and not necessarily to a better alternative. Maybe getting a date isn’t the problem – that’s why I came up with five important, self-reflective questions to ask yourself after a first date.
And after you read this post, you’re going to want to check out the First Date Checklist (included at the end), because it’s jam-packed with all the questions and tid-bits you need on your dating quest!
5 Questions to ask yourself after a first date if you’re looking for Love
How did you feel being around/with them? What was the “vibe”? *Additionally, what vibe did *you* bring? We have to remember that our energy, tone, and attitude is also influential and telling. If they made you feel that sense of safety and security, then hopefully you were able to relax, let your guard down and feel more vulnerable. But if they seemed closed-off, disinterested/distracted, and aloof then as a result you likely felt more insecure, reluctant, and disengaged.
On a first date, it’s important to remind ourselves to do mini self check-ins during the date by simply asking ourselves, “How am I feeling right now [with them, about them]?”
Are there qualities about them that stood out to you besides their looks? Meaning, is there more than JUST *chemistry*? Particularly, are long-term qualities evident? This may require a little longer look under the hood, and that’s okay! But you can certainly gather qualities that spell long-term, like integrity and self-control, through not only their behavior but the way they treat (talk about, handle, value) certain things like sex, money, their job, family, as well as morals and values in life and relationships (respect, fidelity, commitment, loyalty, etc.).
Integrity can look like, based on fundamental principle, “courtesy” or standard, his ability to not only follow up prior to the date, “Hey! Just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tonight,” but afterwards, “I had a great time tonight/last night. It was really nice getting to know you – can we do this again soon/next Saturday?” Self-control can look like, based on fundamental principle, “courtesy” or standard, his respect for *waiting* in terms of physical connection. For instance, he tells you he’s holding off on the first kiss (from doing it on the first date) until it’s a more *appropriate* time (when an emotional connection is mutually well-established).
What commonalities do you share? There are two key points to remember here: 1. you won’t “align” or agree on everything single thing, 2. but you *should* align and agree where it counts. When it comes to commonalities, think of interests, hobbies, morals/values, beliefs/opinions, and life/financial/marital goals.
Sure, you may cover only the bases on the first date, and you certainly may not cover everything…so, like I said, decide*where it counts*. For instance, if your life aspiration is marriage, inquire whether he shares a similar aspiration.
What did you learn about them, and what did they learn about you? Fact: you won’t spend the entire date talking about…the weather, or that game last Sunday. You know what I mean – substance. The point of a date – a first date, nonetheless – is about getting to know the person more or on a deeper level toward [hopefully/possibly] compatibility and connection in partnership. So what *specifically* do you now know about them you didn’t know before, and vice versa?
And hopefully your answers can expand a little bit beyond the surface, such as that he’s the middle child in a family of 7 brothers and sisters, the black sheep in the family that skipped college and went to trade school to start his own business, and currently volunteers at the library on the weekends because “there’s just something about the smell and being surrounded by old, used books”.
What you learn about them and what they learn about you has the ability to either enhance or dim overall first impression.
What red flags and/or deal breakers showed up? Don’t skip over or overcompensate these with their *good looks* and obvious *chemistry*. That’s not to say every first date red flag is a deal breaker, but it can be something worth reflecting over and to monitor. For example, if his texting etiquette on the first date was sub-par, but only because he relayed to you that he was on standby due to his “sick grandma in the hospital” then we ought to be willing to extend some grace. To monitor this behavior means to note whether this was a one-time thing and if inappropriate texting etiquette on dates are a consistency (and always having some sort of “excuse”).
It’s also crucial to be aware of any deal breakers that may be *outshined*, such as by any external or superficial qualities (looks, sex appeal, job title, money, material possessions, and lifestyle), [excessive] attention and affection (Love-bombing, emotional pre-attachment, an exaggerated *connection or the “Love at first sight” *feels*) and even specific, *shared* circumstances that “bond” you (like the fact you both experienced growing up through the nasty divorce of your parents).
By allowing your deal breakers to be grazed over or “made up for” by something else, you have to be aware and prepared to know exactly what it is you’re now willing to compromise. More importantly, keep in mind, this may not always be the right decision…but the easy, more *comfortable* one.
