I’m sharing my personal experience and insight of being married for 10 years, and some of the unfiltered realities marriage has taught me after a decade.
10 years. As I sit here and write out this post, I’m flip flopping between having a lot to say and then struggling to find the words at the same time. I mean, after a decade, it only makes sense that I have some marriage insight to share.
In part, I can easily come up with a quite extensive list on married life do’s and don’ts, tidbits on cohabitating and partnership as well as the sanctity of marriage in general.
As a matter of fact, it would be super easy to jot down all the points everyone already knows, whether you’re newlyweds or celebrating 50 years as a couple.
I want to offer something much richer, even if it’s bitter on the tongue yet soothing in the stomach.
Then, I’ll suddenly have this intense brain fart – all of my thoughts and that list, *poof*, gone. After lingering with that for a while, I’ve simply boiled it down to being blessed with, thus far, an overall easy marriage (despite the 7-year itch thing). BTW, I don’t really believe in that shenanigans.
My goal is for this to be a suitable read for both men and women, husbands and wives, since marriage will always consist of two parties coming together in a unified process and ongoing learning experience.
If a decade of marriage has taught me anything, it’s these 6 things that are the most important
Being other-focused is the real flex
In other words, your spouse should come before your freedoms (i.e., forsaking all others, including one’s self).
Now let me explain before I totally lose an audience, because marriage is about selflessness. Many aren’t going to like that, but marriage is also not for the faint hearted, either. Being other-focused isn’t and won’t always be easy since it goes against our nature to do only what is best for ourselves, our wants, needs and desires.
Being other-focused is the backbone to building and securing trust. And you know what’s crazy? There are so many couples out there with evidential trust issues yet continue to operate in ways that undermine its meaning and impact.
For instance, a husband who was caught being unfaithful in the past, and has been working on rebuilding that trust, willfully and discretely makes large financial purchases behind their partner’s back…and thinks this is totally normal, *okay*, and not having anything to do with trust.
Moral of the story is: trust is a much, much bigger and complex picture than many couples are willing to accept.
That said, being other-focused is the real flex in marriage but, unfortunately, it can be painfully difficult and unnatural when it’s perceived as limiting.
Over the last 10 years of marriage, being other-focused has looked like self-sacrifice (no, not neglect), not always getting or having my way, taking the back seat in order to elevate my husband, staying connected over being right, and considering my husband’s needs and feelings over my own.
Shared values (and beliefs) matter as much as accepting differences
In a fairly divided climate when it comes to practically anything – religion, politics, family – I wouldn’t say being entirely different or identical on everything (in marriage) is always a good thing. That’s why shared core values (and beliefs) do matter, but so does being accepting of the differences.
For one thing, our lifelong partner – I’d argue – won’t stay the same exact person they were when we married them. After ten years, I, surely am a much different person from when my husband married me…even if it’s subtle. I no longer like the same things I used to, parts of my personality and even my worldview has shifted and because it needs to be said…aging is also a natural thing.
Anyway, the point is, change is quite inevitable in marriage. In fact, marriage changes people, and it should for the better (I’ll leave it at that), which is why it should be taken seriously, thoughtfully and carefully.
Change can lead to differences, which can be something scary to hear let alone witness (when, yes, many marriages go through sometimes difficult changes and not always for the better). It’s important to realize that not all change and differences are bad, detrimental or dooming – it’s learning how to be more accepting of them.
The way I see it is, since marriage is a commitment, I am committed to rediscovering my husband 10, 15, 30 and 50 years down the road rather than expecting to maintain him in the same box I originally found him.
You’re bound to screw up (sometimes royally)
And I don’t necessarily mean the worst of the worst level of screw ups. I mean, it’s seamlessly easy not to cheat, right? What about lying, saying something hurtful (unintentionally or not) or persistently neglecting the marriage unknowingly?
Is it easier said than done?
Sure, I can easily say I’d never cheat, but that doesn’t somehow make me completely exempt from the ability (like, I’ve manually deleted that coded part of my own DNA). The difference is, I never want to cheat, and I can only prove that through ongoing actions, self-responsibility, reassurance and time.
At the same time, I can’t guarantee 100% that I’ll never, at any point, do something that hurts, upsets or disappoints my husband. That would mean I could never make mistakes, am not capable of any wrong, and that human imperfection is actually entirely preventable and perfectible.
If we can honestly admit we’ve never wronged our spouse, or that we won’t ever, we’re only deceiving ourselves.
Does this mean I condone it? Of course not, but I am trying to be more honest and realistic when it comes to the human experience.
On some level, we ought to have that healthy level of fear of ever hurting our spouse (as I do my husband), knowing we are imperfect human beings while also having that level of understanding on both sides.
After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I have made our fair share of mistakes and screw ups. While not to a degree we’d label as lethal, any mistake or transgression can be hurtful and impactful, especially if they become a pattern of unchanged behavior.
The point here is, you (and your spouse) are bound to screw up so it’s important to respond with some gentleness and grace but also to have the willingness to check yourself (hold you and your spouse accountable, with love).
Tallying wrongs and weaponizing past discrepancies is a slow poison
Even if these wrongs or discrepancies are considered minor in nature. And this is something my husband and I do struggle with from time to time. In fact, most couples likely do, and many more severely and silently than others.
That’s why I call it a slow poison.
In the moment it may not seem like much of a big deal. For instance, when my husband and I are discussing something and, relevantly, in passing he brings up my history of discrepancies relating to that topic.
As someone who also struggles in this area, I can point to why, and whether it’s something I do intentionally or unconsciously (mistakenly). Many times, it’s like word vomit, where unfortunately the memory of that indiscretion is seemingly at the forefront, like it’s at the tip of my tongue. I will admit there are many times it’s intentional based on whether the topic is relevant or the discussion presents a way for insertion, and other times I think it can be an unconscious, poor habit of not thinking before I speak.
As far as why, well, let’s be real – if I still remember, then he should, too. Sort of like, “Hey, remember that time you were a huge a**? Yeah, just so you know, I haven’t forgotten.” It’s almost treated as a Gotcha moment, even if our intent isn’t to actually inflict harm, which is still unbelievably petty and downright immature.
The fact of the matter is tallying can still sting, especially if you’re the getting stung over and over about the same thing(s), and even if it’s that one thing your spouse keeps bringing up every 5 years. This can become a slow poison to marriage because, while keeping score may not be directly hurtful or impactful, a slow poison won’t necessarily kill you right away, either.
It’s a lot like a drawer of files, and they’re piling up despite having an end date. Some files are so old yet they’ve managed to secure their place at the front rather than being retired to the shredder. Holding onto these files persistently and for so long is not only tiresome but they eventually turn into weapons of manipulation and contempt, especially during conflict.
If you’re going to be married a long time, and you continue to operate this way, the entire drawer will be a score card of wrongdoings. Ultimately, the goal is to keep that drawer as empty as possible. Again, I aim to be realistic.
*This point takes into account that discrepancies have been addressed, there has been a change of behavior (or proactive steps to changing behavior) and the process of repair and restoration (along with forgiveness) is in motion.
Enjoyment (fun/joy) is a priority
Have fun together and enjoy each other – your lifetime together should be a joy.
Most couples will always revert to, “Duh, date night, of course that’s important.” But I’d go further to challenge the idea of what enjoyment should mean in marriage, since marriage is for a long time (not just one fun night).
It’s not just about date night, because if the focus of maintaining satisfaction in marriage is through short, strategized spurts of conventional romanticization, that still leaves room for an environment of complacency the rest of the time.
Think of it like only deep cleaning your house once a year – the rest of the time leaving your house exposed to and accumulating dust, mold, debris, stains and foul odors…and living in it.
How many couples only seem to actually enjoy each other when it’s date night, or for the short period that follows? To make the mundane of life together fun, you have to not only enjoy being in one another’s company but actually like each other.
Family and relational boundaries are a must
An absolute, non-negotiable must, might I add. Growing up, I always viewed boundaries as a confusing and delicate thing. It seemed totally normal and acceptable for others to have boundaries (except having my own), and family is typically our first source to learning about them (as far as having, understanding and respecting boundaries at all).
While many family units are welcoming and naturally versed in the subject, there are also many families who view and treat boundaries as a threat, attack or unwarranted severance to the family system. As a result, married couples can often face the difficult consequences when it comes having necessary, healthy boundaries with immediate and extended family…or the lack thereof.
Ever feel like your siblings expect entitled access to you over your spouse? A boundary may be necessary to communicate the line your siblings can no longer cross.
Do your parents/in-laws shame and guilt you for not being factored into every decision you and your spouse make, or for simply not supporting your decisions as a couple? A boundary may be necessary to request that your parents respect you and your spouse’s marital decisions, otherwise they will no longer be granted involvement in your lives.
Do you constantly feel like you’re still being treated like a child – tethered to your family’s umbilical cord of expectations, demands and emotional grip – despite starting your own family with your spouse? A boundary may be necessary that communicates your individual autonomy as a grown adult with your own family to consider and care for and, therefore, should be supported, otherwise certain measures of separation or distance may consequently follow.
Boundaries also include other relational boundaries as well – with friends, acquaintances, those of the same and opposite sex, ex-relationships, co-workers, etcetera.
Many couples won’t care to hear it, but boundaries safeguard a marriage from infidelity, apart from the self-proclamation of faithfulness. Boundaries are the proactive, actionable defense.
And when you’re committing yourselves to one another for a lifetime, there will come a time when certain boundaries are critical for the integrity of your marriage. After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I mutually agree there are certain interactions, types and levels of relationships not even worth entertaining.
For instance, you limit or cease interactions with a friend who willfully chose to betray or cheat on their spouse. Or you shut down continuous, inappropriate behavior coming from a co-worker that will no longer be tolerated or accepted.
Nevertheless, after a decade, I’ve realized how critical boundaries are in marriage…and have definitely learned the hard way of not having or honoring them.
