I get it – work relations and making connections with those you work with isn’t so cut and dry. I also realize my take on this will probably make some people’s heads spin. But I learned this fact only after truly understanding friendship. The thing is we too often view and treat our job, and our way of making a living in this world, as something more. We argue that a greater portion of not only our day but our life is spent at work, so we ought to get more out of it than is necessarily intended.
Personally, I don’t think that’s as healthy [of a concept] as we like to think. Killing two birds with one stone, so to speak; getting paid AND making friends doing it. I think this can often wind up being a double-edged sword.
Your coworkers are not your friends first. We don’t like to acknowledge this but there are dangers to seeking friendship within the workplace. And I’ll bet if you asked many, including yourself and even I – the “friends list” consists of those from work.
There’s nothing wrong with making friends from work, per say. But from my own personal experience, I ran into a conundrum pertaining to work friendships I never saw coming (when only now I realize this should be obvious). Before I quit my job and started my own business, I worked a 10-year position in a heavily female-dominated industry. This was also an industry where many came and went, often. Ultimately, I made several friends over the course of that 10 years. Some never made it past their expiration (when those people left the job, and I remained), and some did (even after I left).
Since then, years later, even those friendships have fizzled on out. What I’ve learned over the years of working (for myself) without the means of “making friends” through the workplace is that: we often go in [to a job] with the same “cut and dry” expectations. And that’s what I want to touch on in this post, primarily, where we have blurred and often walk a thin line when it comes to friendship (it’s meaning, value and impact) in and out of the workplace.
Basically, we go into a job expecting to form friendships than with the focus of workplace “connections” that pertains to work-related growth. There’s a clear-cut difference between the two. Nevertheless, I will admit, working for myself had its very lonely phase in the beginning – depressing, even. So imagine when this expectation is not met in the typical field of work where you’re surrounded by individuals working toward the same, similar goal 5 days a week – what does this do to our work ethic and motivation as well as our perception of the work environment and those in it?
Nonetheless, work friendships taught me an uncomfortable and valuable lesson the hard way. Your coworkers are not your “friends” FIRST.
Your coworkers are not your friends FIRST
If you’re not “Friends”, then they’re/you’re the “Enemy”
There’s the misconception that if/when someone we work with doesn’t embody being a “friend”, or treat us as such, then it’s assumed that person doesn’t like us. So if someone doesn’t invite you to go out to happy hour, or hang out over the weekend, that [suddenly] means they don’t like you nor do they want to be your friend. And if those two things co-exist then that somehow makes that person an enemy. *By enemy, I mean as miniscule as simply an inconvenience [to our ego]. This happens more often and subtle than we think.
This has certainly been other’s perception of me and mine of others in the workplace, and it often goes unnoticed, even if and when it begins to impact the work environment. We don’t tend to rationalize that, “Hey, just because we’re not “friends” at work doesn’t mean I can’t work with them, and that I shouldn’t be kind and respectful to them – that’s ridiculous.” Oh, no, instead it’s more like, “Since Sally-sue and I are “friends”, I’ll drop anything to help her – in fact, I’ll bend over backwards for her. But if Susie-Cue asks me for help, no way, because we’re not “friends” – she can manage.” Old and young- I saw this drama exist across the board.
Why. Do. We. Do. This? Part of me can only blame the fact we glorify and glamorize workplace “friendships”, which for some reason has us treating others as beneath us, even if that’s unintentional. We’re not equally kind – we’re simply more willing to be kind (and sacrificial) to those we consider “friends”.
Hierarchy in workplace-friendships can feel low-key “oppressive”
People already have a very difficult time understanding the concept of respecting authority, especially of those who work “above you”. Equality is the push today, but that just isn’t so on a scale besides innate value. So what happens when a workplace connection, or work-“friend”, gets a promotion that not only grants them a title but more authority and responsibility over others, including you? A title where insubordination is not tolerated, let’s say.
Inherently, this means things change. The dynamic of your work friendship changes. If you are now your friend’s boss, or they are yours, a new level of respect is entitled. This is the scenario I not only had to learn but also navigate with existing work-friendships. This also meant I had to implement new/certain boundaries I could no longer cross with those “friends”. This was incredibly difficult, because I often questioned whether taking the position [promotion] would be a threat to these friendships. It shouldn’t – obviously – yet tell that to the individual who can’t stand someone being “in charge”, especially when that someone is their “friend”.
How may this seem “oppressive” to some degree? Well, how are you going to feel if your friend gains a new, higher title (than you), has greater pay, with more authority in telling you what to do and how to do it? How are you going to feel in times of work-ethic like carrying your own weight, productivity and efficiency as well as critical feedback or when you are met with work-related reprimand by that “friend”? How do you think this will change your friendship outside of work, or do you think it will have any effect at all? I promise you it does, because people struggle immensely with separating the two.
There’s grave difficulty – more than those are willing to admit – in creating and maintaining separation between workplace titles [respect] at work versus outside of work when none apply. AKA the separation of professional and personal life. It can feel weird, confusing, constraining, restricting, burdensome [and the like] that you’re not allowed or are expected to treat your friend a certain way at work versus what is accepted and tolerated outside of work.
For instance, it didn’t sit right with me to instruct, oversee or essentially tell these friends what to do, how to do it, and when it needs to get done while at work, to then switch [mental] gears and clock out as “the boss” when work was over. Basically, going from boss-mode to friend-mode is way more difficult than you think.
That said, I’m sure it’s even more difficult the other way around. Though, for me, that was mentally and emotionally taxing enough. In a way those work-friendships in and of themselves exhausted me more. So for the average individual, it can seem oppressive (or not “fair”) having to clock out from “friendship”-mode and clock in to “co-worker”-mode on a regular basis.
The bounds are without limits
This was a problem I often encountered: I made several friends through work, whom I was often able to socialize with throughout the work day, for much of the work week (or times we worked together). Then came the weekend – whoo-hoo! Those same friends would want to “hang out” or ask if I had any plans (as to inquire about “hanging out”).
Mind you, I enjoyed spending time with these people – there’s a reason I considered them friends. But I also had a life, with other things and people in it. I had a relationship – I, at one point, had other friends I didn’t work with that I hadn’t seen. So there was this weird feeling about not wanting anything to do with the very people I spent the “most” time with (socially) during the work week.
I often felt guilty turning down plans just to spend the weekend with my fiance-at-the-time/husband. There was this sense of, “I just saw you!” or “I need a break.” I also felt guilty for simply wanting time to myself, while I should be prioritizing these friendships on a non-work-related level. But there was a tug-o-war going on between two very separate entities of my life – work and personal.
I had built these friendships on the basis of work, because my job enabled me to do so. But when it came to my personal life, I wanted to prioritize other things. And I didn’t know how to do that without worry or guilt of offending these friends, because I had conceptualized a boundary or limit between work life and home life.
When separation is lost, where does your loyalty lie?
What I mean is there’s no longer a distinct separation between work life and personal life because you share/overlap both. So when you get together with these friends (from work), what commonality do you have? Work. What are you usually driven to talk about? Work. And maybe you do have similar shared interests beyond work, but when it’s time to clock back in are you able to differentiate your friendship from that of inside and outside the workplace? Meaning, are you able to maintain mutual workplace-related respect of each other’s time, duties, priorities, etc.?
If you end up making work your identity, where is the boundary that says “I will not bring work home with me,” or (one we also fail at) “I will not bring home with me to work.” Granted, some will say they have no choice, but I find that aside from logistical tasks many often end up blurring the lines themselves and do away with work and personal life boundaries – often because it’s important to be perceived as ambitious 24/7/365.
Yet we frown upon people who don’t pick up their phone all weekend or on their days off – why does our job demand this level of loyalty and access to us?! Not so fast, because people/friends demand this, too.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Then there are those who bring home to work – personal matters, attitude, inefficiency/unproductivity, inappropriate conversations, and sense of authenticity that goes beyond a “professional” standard. And, ladies, I’m not talking about things we can’t necessarily control, like our vicious time of the month.
Therefore – back to workplace friendships – I ran into instances where these friends found no issue violating or minimizing my work life and personal life boundaries. Friendship loyalty has a whole other meaning at work – IYKYK. Bottom-line is, you treat this person differently and vice versa.
Yup, clique-y.
A prime example of this loyalty is having the friend who assumes with expectation that I’d cover their shift or help them out whenever they asked (regardless of what I was doing or how much I had to do). Or encountering an issue that results in having to either back that friend or confront my superior with the truth. The essence of career has come to a fork in terms of who or which will get the very best of you, and who is worthy and deserving of loyalty. And I don’t think it’s always possible to serve both.
*Sigh*, I hate that I’ve made this post seem so brash and unappealing. Of course there’s nothing wrong with practicing the qualities of friendship in and out of work, and benefitting from them, until work inevitably ushers its way in the middle of having to choose between honoring that “friend”…or the “job”.
In the end, when you apply for a job, what is the main purpose of doing so? Shouldn’t that always be at the forefront? And I think that’s what needs more thoughtful and careful consideration in terms of anticipating or making workplace friendships…when they are not your “friends” first.