Why is online dating so hard in a tech world?

I see this question so often nowadays. It’s funny because when online dating first came about, it was hard then, too. We knew this, because people have been having strictly online-based relationships for years, and we know how most of those end up. Yet here we are. where instantaneous, online connections are easily considered the new norm today, so what’s the problem?

Remembering 10+ years ago (like, 2009), online dating was so different compared to now. I almost looked at online dating like a cheat sheet – eek! It was a mass platform of people all supposedly looking for the same thing and embracing the one quality to online dating success: vulnerability.

I was never more wrong about that. So, *forewarning*, this is not a post for the faint-hearted.

[Related: (watch the video) Online Dating Dangers MORE People Need To Be Aware Of]

As if instant gratification wasn’t a thing when online dating first started, IMO, it has since then proven to dominate the means of human connection. I mean now you can literally swipe on friendships. At least when I first started online dating judgment was a bit more passive, not insanely aggressive or obtrusive.

Seriously, it’s no wonder the world is so easily offended and feels entitled to be by anything and everything.

But if there’s one thing that remains unchanged is that online dating itself is a double-edged sword. It does allow people to be more vulnerable, to put everything out on the line and be themselves in such a way that is more casual and comfortable (behind a screen). Unfortunately with that you are exposed to the entire spectrum of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly truths.

This is why so many go in, trek through and come out with their guard up in and out of relationships. But the reality is, dating has it’s own complications – dating in itself is a risk. And there’s a newfound sensitivity to that understanding, which makes online dating incredibly difficult and taxing for many.

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Why is online dating so hard in a tech world?

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As a former online dater with online dating success (meaning, I met my now husband from dating online), the insight and opinions I dish are solely based on my personal experience. Everyone’s personal experience will be different, so this post is not meant to discourage but to help you be more aware and lead with caution while remaining hopeful. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!

There’s nothing left to the imagination, or any at all is hopeless

While it’s not for me to judge what and how much someone is willing to reveal about themselves, I do know there are those who leave little to the imagination. And I believe some things are meant to be private for a reason, or two… or three.

What someone is willing to give right from the start, like dishing your phone number with someone after a couple menial exchanges or even having it displayed in your dating profile, will have different impressions on others. For instance, when a guy initiated and was insistent on a meetup after only a few messages…I typically perceived that as someone willing to rush a connection while I was someone who took things at a slower pace.

On the flip side, many leave themselves totally blank. What kind of impression, or message does that send?? When I stumbled upon someone’s profile with little to nothing of substance written, or what was written was very off-putting…I couldn’t help but see that as a red flag in my book.

Sure, we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but we can get a pretty good first idea from reading a book’s excerpt. And in many cases, that’s when you’ll decide whether the book is even worth reading in full. Online dating was practically designed to give you just that – an excerpt.

Remember? It was all about not wasting people’s time and effort and energy, but I also don’t think that’s an excuse to pride ourselves of being overly accessible or futile.

[Related Read: The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received – And Totally Ignored]

the “small/big fish in a big/small pond” mentality can do more harm than good

Meaning…limitless or limited options can have you inflating or questioning your standards. Inflating, as in, setting unrealistically high standards and questioning, as in, narrowing down, substituting or minimizing them altogether.

Am I pointing directly at those who, by definition, are considered picky, or carry the invisible title deserving of *more* than what you’re given? Possibly, but that does not negate the fact there’s a healthy and unhealthy level of pickiness. Where that distinction lies is not up to me to determine, but I do believe online dating has proven there to be an influx of standard extremes (as mentioned above).

And this can jeopardize the online dating experience.

“Good guys” are considered boring but also wolves in sheep’s clothing

I’m partial because I married one of the genuinely good ones – the guy many would probably label as the ‘friend zone’-type. #noregrets

BUT, I am aware of the men out there who claim to be and label themselves as being “one of the nice guys”…who obviously aren’t. They want a stand-up ovation for doing the right, kind thing – am I right? I also don’t want to seem super bias, so this also applies to the ladies – we can be the wolves, too.

I get it. I understand – I really do – in moderation. There’s also now a sour taste to what is “nice” or “good”. We should also be using kind, not nice anyway, but that’s besides the point. At the expense, a healthy relationship is received as dull, boring, and lifeless.

Well, I’m here to say that a healthy relationship will bring you peace, not boredom. *Don’t confuse the two!

With that in mind, I’m noticing women who are searching far and wide for good men, who will say they can’t seem to escape jerk-offs and D-bags, all the while they’re also quick to write off healthy connections as *meh*. Men have their own variation of this, too!

That said, while I totally understand the concept, we have to be able to better discern someone’s FRUIT. If they’re truly a good, kind guy – or that of a truly healthy connection – the fruit will be evident, and not just with polished words.

It’s the same type, different guy OR different type, same guy

Ladiesssss, even though we are screaming, crying and begging for safety and security…we’re still gravitating to the connections that offer the complete opposite of just that. Er, at the very least a falsified version of it.

Sure, everyone has a type. Like book nerds versus the crossfit hunks. Yet I think people genuinely believe type goes beyond that, whether stereotypical, culturally influenced or chemistry-based. Many people’s types change yet they’re still noticing a consistent pattern. Others are also aware when and how they’re type has failed them.

That’s why I titled this one same type, different guy OR different guy, same type. IMO, I don’t think heartache or relationship dissatisfaction necessarily has to do with superficial “types”…it’s strictly the person. We could infer that the book nerds are generally considered the quiet, by the book, intelligent, rule-follower types. Is that all who they are objectively? No, the book nerd could also be an arrogant fool who treats women like a riddle to solve and a vessel to consume at their leisure.

All I’m going to say is seeking a “type” only places unnecessary and rather superficial limitations on finding the right partner.

At the same time, it’s in our nature to cling to familiarity, repetitive patterns and behavioral cycles (even if we know their hurtful or wrong for us). So from the “different type, same guy” approach, you could be dating across the board – from the book nerd, to the crossfit hunk and the free-spirited vegan – only to experience the same repetitive patterns, cycles or behaviors (in who they are as a person).

From the *inside*, familiarity is safe, it’s comfortable and predictable. The same can’t always be said from the *outside* because when you view things from a wider angle your perspective changes, and you’re able to see all that you couldn’t before.

So between the choice of your familiar type and someone foreign to you, most will spin the bottle towards a familiar choice. This isn’t always an easy cycle to break, but it can be done!

Too much, too fast, too soon OR too little, too slow, too long

When I dated online, I wasn’t one to rush into anything, and I made that very clear early on. I waited at least a week before simply exchanging numbers and setting a date to meet.

Let’s just say some were patient and respectful, and many pretended they were but clearly weren’t. Some didn’t bat an eye and disappeared once they knew I wasn’t going to take their bait from the get-go. I even had guys message me, and right off the bat ask to meet for coffee, give me their number, or ask for mine prior to me even responding.

Sure, I’m supposed to live like today might be my last… but, no, not literally. There’s just something to say about those who embody the “too much, too fast, too soon”. Basically, life and everything in and of itself is a race or a sprint, not a marathon or “journey”. And the same should be said for the other way around. There are those who withhold, are immobile and live in sloth-mode.

Both sides can be directionless, flighty, pushy, unaware, relentless, careless, and indecisive. Need I say more?

The reality is it doesn’t take very long to get a glimpse of someone’s true colors over messages. You may have to read between the lines to catch those who are content having you in their carousel, but insincerity and inauthenticity usually crack fairly easily.

Also FYI, because this isn’t said enough: not all red flags are coming from others. That’s right, we have to be aware that we may, in fact, be the problem, too.

Being anonymous is suggestive, not mysterious

Again, when considering initial impressions, if you are too vague, private, and evasive it can be perceived differently than you intend. It doesn’t make you mysterious, nor does it automatically mean others will be at their knees wanting to get to know you more.

At least not for the right reasons.

Having this anonymous persona can suggest that you are resistant, closed off, and distrusting. Plainly, it can signify you’re using online dating with ulterior motives. And that’s the cold, hard truth.

So know this: what you put in (or not) is what you will get back.

People are unhinged at the slightest drawback

I dated online collectively for four years. You think I didn’t experience the ugly side of it? The rejection? The name-calling? The direct insults? The “ghosting”? The scammers? The unsolicited d*** pics?

I’m not saying the online dating experience is not for the faint of heart, but I will stress that your confidence (that and self-control, restraint, fortitude, and esteem) ought not be in the hands of a bunch of strangers online.

Really crappy experiences are had online – that is rest assured – though if you expect online dating to be some extra level of a cake walk simply because you get to be a keyboard warrior behind a screen initially…it is and it isn’t.

But if there’s anything the internet and social media has done to our culture is made us completely unhinged. I don’t have all the answers for this other than how evidently we allow others to affect us – to get to us – at a core level.

I said this in another post where I talk about what my online dating experience was really like before meeting my husband, and I quote,

If I was to survive online dating, I knew my confidence was not to be rattled or unhinged by rejection from someone I hardly knew let alone wasn’t invested in.

– Carissa (theMRSingLink)

Online dating burnout is literally a thing

I see this so often through the online dating grapevine of today, and it’s symptoms always stand out like a sore thumb. Still, I would get eye-rolls that lasted for eternity if I told someone they should take a break from dating.

Yet it’s true. You really might be experiencing dating burnout if you find yourself hating life, dating, people and Love altogether.

And when you’re burnt out, trust me it shows, and others see it, too. While we’re human and go through ups and downs, to those of the online dating world who are just getting to know you, they may see this as a reflection of who you are overall.

How this looks may be different for everyone – some may be on the brink of accepting just about anything and everything that comes their way (good or bad), and others may be shutting down potential connections left and right over a misplaced comma or their name not spelt correctly. I’m sure the playbook is hefty.

But most are likely pushing through, fighting against the fatigue, and doing more damage along the way. It’s as if taking breaks is not an option, because FOMO.

The problem is when you don’t, the dating burnout cycle continues.

[Related Read: Why You Need To Stop Desperately Looking For A Relationship]

A few bad eggs tarnishes the entire experience

I think people have very high expectations for how others ought to behave online, LOL, or for the kind of people they think are dating online. And then are left very easily disappointed and wonder why. I’ve read stories upon stories of people who went through a poor, even horrible experience dating someone online…and that be the single ticket to changing their entire opinion or beliefs about everyone.

For instance, the person they were talking to for a few weeks ghosted them, so now they’re convinced everyone dating online will ghost them. Or they met up with someone in person and later found out they were also talking to/met someone else at the same time, and now believe everyone on dating sites are *players*. Cue the bitter attitudes as they say things like, “Everyone on here are jerks because they send you a few messages just to never respond again,” to potential matches, and they wonder why messages go unread or unreplied.

I am in no way disregarding the persistently annoying or even horrible experiences that happen. What I am saying is that a lot of people like to use their experience as a way to paint the whole picture of online dating. Also, yes, to amplify the Woe is Me factor. And many people are paving the way of their experience with this very attitude thinking its going to bring forth something positive.

That’s not to say people didn’t find Love online. People found Love online, and not without experiencing some sort of backlash, resistance, rejection or difficulty. But they also didn’t allow a few bad eggs (people) to tarnish their entire experience.

Someone *new* can mess with a good thing you have going

You follow me? Online dating is a gateway to [hopefully] formulating a connection, or many connections to some. But when you’re in a constant knowing of who just joined the app, what’s the likelihood of being able to make a decision, or to take a step away and focus on the connections you’ve made? Like I said, the moment you stumble across someone new (or they pop into your DMs) who seems interesting and looks appealing, what is our initial thought or reaction?

We’re a culture of always wanting and seeking more – enough doesn’t exist because there’s always potential for something better. Can we admit that we’re often guilty of this in more ways than one?

We say we’re committed to the experience in order to find that special connection, but is it possible to become too committed to the experience of online dating (the hamster wheel of always seeking more or better) that we won’t actually commit to pursuing the connections we’ve made?

I’m just saying…I think we’re prone to taking on more than we can juggle, and that can be the monkey wrench in the entire experience.

The sound of crickets is deafening

You may be thinking, “Welcome to the story of my online dating life.” You might even say you feel invisible or alone in a digital pool full of people supposedly looking for the same thing you are! Let me rephrase that… you will, at some point.

You may even feel defeated because what’s *out there* either isn’t available to you or it’s, well, unsatisfactory. Or worse, the fish simply aren’t biting! In fact, they’re slowly pecking away at or stealing your bait. Of course this can damper someone’s confidence and overall anticipation from the experience.

Here’s the thing: as someone with a degree in web design and programming, that *is* all what dating apps are – a program! They’re programmed with certain algorithms. Now, whether or not those algorithms are actually in your favor begs the question. Social media is already under fire for gearing their algorithms against content creators and even its regular users.

Basically, social media is controlling what you see and don’t see with what *they* want you to see and don’t want you to see.

ANYWAY. So let’s be real, dating sites are working with the same attitude. Because if people are finding Love and connections too quickly and effectively, they’ll deactivate their profiles way too soon for their liking! YOU, your account and interactivity, are their bread and butter.

Therefore active, engaged accounts I can guarantee are pushed to the top tier in search, appearance, and match results. If social media can shadow ban, so can dating sites. Just something to keep in mind as you are swiping left incessantly, ignoring your messages, or literally taking a snoozer in the back row (i.e., you haven’t logged on in days or weeks). It also wouldn’t surprise me if they track how many times you’ve swiped left versus right, which dictates the quality, number, and circulation of matches you receive.

That’s not to say the sound of crickets isn’t a real thing, but it’s important to keep in mind that they’re usually temporary as much as they are also dependent on the overall effort you put in.