Each individual values the Holidays differently. Some more or less than others, and some choose not to celebrate at all.
Talk about a drab, right, when you could celebrate Christmas all year round and your spouse wouldn’t bat an eye if it were removed from the calendar altogether. It can be tough to navigate not only the Holiday season but a relationship where your spouse doesn’t celebrate Christmas or the Holidays (as you may do).
Specifically, when this post talks about the spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas or the Holidays, it includes (and obviously not limited to):
- The spouse who once celebrated the Holidays, then suddenly or slowly became less interested or apathetic to the season.
- The spouse who grew up celebrating the Holidays in stark contrast to the way you did.
- The spouse who doesn’t value the Holidays (the same, as strict) as others (as you).
- The spouse who celebrates the season but is against participating in certain traditions or attending certain gatherings.
- The spouse who tends to flip flop on how they feel about the Holidays and whether they participate.
- The spouse who chooses not to celebrate due to religious/non-religious reasons.
- The spouse who experienced something traumatic surrounding the season, and refuses to participate in certain events, activities or traditions.
The difficulties of enjoying the Holidays when your spouse doesn’t celebrate Christmas
It sucks to feel like you’re pulling teeth just to get a little *Holiday spark* from your spouse. It can even feel like your spouse’s lack of enthusiasm and willfulness is dimming your ability to enjoy Holiday cheer or Christmas spirit.
Here’s the thing, and I’m definitely not a dime a dozen to experience this, but in recent years I had my own shift in the way I value Christmas and the Holiday season. I loved every aspect of Christmas at my core, but I was redirected to getting deeper into my Faith and it was like I was seeing Christmas from a whole new lens, and it wasn’t all positive or cheery.
It was just different.
This new lens exposed much of the secularity, dysfunction, consumerism (gluttony) and idolatry surrounding the Holidays (for me). First, I stopped recognizing Halloween. Then there was a year I resistantly did the whole gifts, putting up our Christmas tree and decorations. My husband, who also loves the Holidays, was taken aback by my near 180, to say the least.
I was ready to just throw it all away and put it behind me…like that – *snap*.
While I still technically *celebrate*, now I don’t over-saturate myself in the season as I once did. Some things have changed (for me, for the better) and I’ve redirected my focus to the things that matter (for me and my family).
That being said, I am acknowledging that I can see and understand both individuals on each side. My aim is to offer reflections that empathize with a better understanding and a compassion for both.
But you’re likely here because you’re in one particular boat (you, who loves Christmas and the Holiday season, while your spouse does not) and are also seeking answers (or solutions).
My hope is that I can offer whatever it is you need – peace, acceptance, humility, hope, revelation, understanding or strength, even if it doesn’t provide the absolute fix you’re looking for.
How differing values around the Holidays can impact relationships.
All in all, every individual celebrates and participates in the Holidays differently and uniquely. We each value Christmas (what it means) as well as the Holidays in general on different scales, which includes the extremes.
The Holiday season can be a dividing wedge for many couples, especially in committed relationships and marriage. Couples are encouraged to thoroughly discuss what the Holidays means to them, their individual beliefs, Holiday traditions, ideals and expectations as well as coming together to respect, accommodate and compromise on any differences.
This includes the inevitable changes couples experience along the way, year after year.
The Holidays perpetuates a sense of solidarity
Collectively, as a culture, Christmastime now represents this superficial unison because we’ve integrated that everyone and anyone can define and celebrate Christmas or the Holidays however they choose. The unspoken rule, adorned with *cheer*, is you must join hands in some way. Otherwise, well, you get Scrooged or Grinched.
With that in mind, for those who love Christmas, they can’t possibly imagine why anyone else wouldn’t, especially their spouse.
For couples, solidarity is important because it’s depicted as oneness and harmony. To an unhealthy extreme, it can mean you’re conjoined, and solidarity is an expectation of likeness or sameness.
It may seem totally normal to anticipate your spouse to love Christmas as much and in the same manner you do. And, more importantly, that remain a constant. Otherwise, it’s as if you’re somehow at odds with one another – that you’re not in unison and basically fourth quarter opponents, year after year.
On the flip side, this solidarity can bring about certain pressures, stressors and discomfort. For the spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, the season may bring them more exhaustion or fatigue than joy simply because of there being a level of expectation to perform, provide and participate as well as demands they feel they don’t have the capacity to meet.
Therefore, the easiest and safest thing to do is withdraw, which means the spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas may be more avoidant, especially if they feel they are being unheard, condemned or dismissed. The encouragement here is to extend compassion and an ear for listening rather than take their behavior, or lack of solidarity, personally.
For the spouse who loves celebrating Christmas, it can be difficult to connect due to comparison (i.e., envying other spouses who love to celebrate), detachment (i.e., feeling like your partner is distancing themselves), and a lack of closeness through shared experiences (i.e., not participating or sharing in festive-related activities and traditions with you).
There’s that gut-wrenching feeling of almost, dare I say, abandonment when you feel like you’re engaging in “the spirit of Christmas” seemingly on your own. This may leave you tempted to question not only relationship compatibility or standing but other relational values.
While there’s a difference if your spouse makes you feel condemned for enjoying the Holidays (or prevents you from doing so), it’s unrealistic and self-destructive to lean on solidarity to somehow mean,
“I can only enjoy Christmas if my spouse loves/celebrates it, too, and/or in the way I do,” or,
“Since my spouse [won’t, doesn’t like to] celebrate Christmas, the meaning, value, and success of our relationship hangs in the balance.”
The truth is, Christmas comes and goes every single year – it’s temporary – yet your relationship is what remains when the tree, lights and decorations come down, the music turns off, and the *magic* settles.
It’s far more important not to allow a societal construct surrounding the Holidays (and the short-lived *Holiday feeling* it brings) to shake or dismantle the love you have for your partner and the foundation of your relationship.
The Holidays perpetuates togetherness (gatherings)
It’s true, as our means for travel have increased exponentially, we’re now more inclined to spending the Holidays in proximity of others, friends and family alike, in frequency and distance.
The Holidays and its implied togetherness can impose having to deal with certain difficult family dynamics. For the spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, unhealthy relationships, unresolved tension or conflict, and past disagreements can result in wanting to avoid certain gatherings during the season altogether.
For them, the season can feel like a thorn in their side, representing social over-stimulation/burn-out, obligated presence (to show up for certain, strict traditions or functions) as well as an expectation to absolve relational discrepancies for the sake of honoring togetherness (or family loyalty), making the Holidays less than anticipated or enjoyable.
This can be especially unbearable for the faint-hearted who bend over backwards for Holiday gatherings and togetherness, because for those who love the intricacies and have a positive meaning for the season find it more a reason to dedicate special time for togetherness.
It can be detrimentally challenging to have a spouse who, say, won’t attend Christmas Eve service, avoids gatherings involving particular family member(s), and refuses to participate in the yearly Christmas pajama family photo or the extended family gift exchange.
Alas, your spouse opting out of specific traditions, events or gatherings during Christmas can feel like disengagement when the reality is, if they don’t celebrate the Holidays for religious reasons, they could be trying to avoid discomfort or preserve their social capacity.
At the same time, it’s important to account for their effort in togetherness and connecting with others outside the parameters of Holiday traditions and gatherings. For many, togetherness is over-exemplified around Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it wouldn’t need to be seen as imperious if it’s a bare minimum year-round.
The Holidays perpetuates an aesthetic
You know, the red, green, silver and gold. Okay, it’s obviously much more than that. And sometimes I wonder if people have confused the meaning of “Spirit of Christmas” for an invoked feeling. This feeling, particularly, coming from the perpetuated aesthetic surrounding the Holiday season.
Or maybe there is no confusion because the meaning is now subjective and nuanced. For instance, a couple could each celebrate Christmas but with totally different meaning. One spouse may only celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas while the other doesn’t. This, too, could result in a couple navigating conflicting values around the Holidays.
For now, let’s stay on the topic of the spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, which can also include the aesthetics. All in all, consuming themselves with these things may be of little to no desire, importance or significance. The lights, music, movies, cheesy sweaters, Elf on a Shelf, baked goods, decorations, shopping, gifts, cultural ideologies and specific traditions (i.e., Santa, the tree, opening of gifts Christmas morning).
Your spouse could be going through a period of introspection, where they’re reevaluating their priorities and redefining the meaning of the season and simply not know how to verbalize this. Or there may be a larger underlying, deeper reason he isn’t sharing (doesn’t know how or is afraid to), where all the aesthetics only signify an added burden to carry.
This can come off as seeming sharp or indifferent to the things often correlated to that Holiday *magic* as well as the lack of interest in the superficiality of the season. Unfortunately, projecting or forcing the aesthetics onto your spouse may only make them withdraw in silence and defiance. But that doesn’t somehow mean you aren’t able or capable of enjoying them yourself.
At the same time, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate the celebrating of Christmas as a family with small children, where one spouse doesn’t subscribe to the *magic* or aesthetics. But I refuse to believe it’s impossible if each side is met with a better understanding, respect, compassion, and a willingness to extend one another grace.
It’s worthy of considering that while, for many, Christmastime is a weight lifted and a gleeful escape from life’s struggles and the realities of this world, for others, it’s often an added weight, obstacle or burden that tends go unheard, ignored or dismissed.