I thought about writing a post about what dating to marry means in dating culture, but then I thought it would be MUCH easier to explain what it does not mean. Let’s dive in.
Dating for marriage or dating to marry is a bit newer language in the dating realm, though I think has always been around. IMO, it’s always sort of been unspoken but now, unfortunately, it’s become more or less trendy.
It’s simple, if people aspired to be married, and weren’t dating casually or for non-commitment, they made who they were dating aware of this aspiration.
Yet there’s been quite the backlash recently on the idea of dating for marriage, which is why I want to focus on what it’s not while addressing some of the common complaints and concerns floating around out there.
After you read this post, share with me: what does dating for marriage mean to you? Are you for or against it?
What dating to marry does NOT mean
Dating someone you wouldn’t marry
I mean, that’s the whole point. Dating to marry means you date someone you could see marrying. I know this can seem like it puts a damper on the whole getting to know someone part (it can when handled improperly) but the point of getting to know someone is to find out if there is potential, even if that potential has to do with a mutual, growing connection.
For example, if you wouldn’t marry someone who wore pants on their head then you obviously wouldn’t date them. If you went on a couple dates with someone and over time found out they floss their teeth with wild horse hair, you wouldn’t continue to date them.
As for a more realistic example, if you wouldn’t marry someone in the military then you wouldn’t date someone in the military.
See how this works? If you’re dating for marriage, you simply won’t continue to date someone you wouldn’t or couldn’t see yourself marrying. It’s that simple.
[Related Read: How to date with intention]
Embodying the role of a husband or a wife without the commitment
Dating for marriage is an end-goal, not a test drive or performance. People treat the idea of dating to marry literally by taking on the role of a husband or wife before the nuptials.
If you’re not married, you’re not a spouse – plain and simple. Many seem to blur the differences between committal (married) and non-committal (unmarried) partnership by enmeshing the two, and that this somehow creates an incentive for marriage when actually it enables the opposite.
You can certainly date with marriage as an end-goal aspiration, but embodying the role of a husband or wife is not a prerequisite to meeting that end-goal.
[Related Read: Aspiring wives, this is why he won’t marry you]
Pretending to be in a place of readiness when you’re not
Whether you’re dating for marriage or not, if your one-day aspiration is to get married, that doesn’t guarantee readiness. What I mean is, just because you might be dating for marriage and you hit it off with someone after six months doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be ready to lock it down at any given moment, even if you don’t want to.
I should also address cases where young adolescent individuals may be dating, and how this applies. At the young ripe age of 18, let’s say (and to keep it consistent, I am generally only speaking to adults here), someone may aspire marriage one day but that doesn’t mean they are ready or prepared for commitment.
Dating to marry at a young age more or less has nothing to do with marriage as the active goal and more with fostering healthy connections that honor marriage. For instance, not dating someone you know is not right for you (or you for them) rather than stringing them along for self-centered reasons (i.e., good looks, attention and affection, loneliness, status).
Dating for marriage isn’t about always being ready to put a ring on it, and it sure isn’t pretending to be ready when you’re really not.
Idolizing marriage over true partnership
What does it mean to idolize something? To put it above something or all else – to bow down to or even worship it, to put it plainly. While I don’t believe dating for marriage in itself makes marriage an idol, but there are blatant signs it could be.
Someone might be more concerned with the superficial aesthetics of marriage – the wedding, the ring, the big house, etc. – rather than actual partnership. The idea or goal of marriage could have someone willing to compromise things like compatibility, personal safety, values and other aspirations.
A sure-fire sign marriage and dating for marriage is an idol is when it’s being rushed or forced.
[Related Read: Why is dating so hard for guys?]
Forcing marriage upon a connection
Much like forcing a square into a circle hole, when marriage is considered the end-goal, that doesn’t mean forcing it on the relationship from the get-go. Rather, the healthy approach is that two individuals are essentially walking in alignment towards the potential.
So, it would be more like over time the square [hopefully] transforms into a circle to fit inside the circle hole. Again, not forced, but a natural progression.
When you force marriage upon a connection, you’re really taking the organic qualities out of the picture. The pressure of getting married can become a stumbling block for two individuals who are simply trying to get to know each other.
Marrying someone out of allegiance or insecurity
What does this look like? It could be marrying the first person you date [seriously] simply because you’ve been together X amount of time. It could also be marrying someone because you’re getting short on time (aka, your biological clock), or because you’ve had a long tail of poor relationships in the past and you feel you won’t do better than what you have.
When you date to marry out of allegiance, you’re following orders (from something or someone). For instance, you think because all your friends are now married then you need to be married. Or because your parents married at 19 after being together three months, then you must follow.
When you date to marry out of insecurity, you’re settling or compensating for something. For instance, you’re worried you’ll be alone, so you commit yourself to marry the next person you’re with. Or you’re afraid to leave the person you’re with to start over, after being together for so long, so you suck up the fact you’re no longer compatible or in love with them and marry them.
Dating for marriage is the hope, not the expectation, which means marriage should never be out of allegiance or insecurity.
The end goal of sex over the end goal of marriage
There are those out there with the goal to save themselves for marriage, which is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong! It’s certainly a commendable goal in this day in age.
On the flip side, there are those who see marriage as this gateway to sex – so that they no longer need to feel bad about having sex prior to marriage. Marriage should not be regarded for being a safe zone for sex, since many are guilty of jumping to marriage for that reason.
That being said, is sex at the forefront? Is it THE end goal over marriage itself? Again, the commitment is honorable, and should obviously be celebrated once that bridge is crossed, but I’ll call it out for what it is: if you’re simply getting married to have sex, or to not have to wait any longer, are you really dating to marry for the right reasons?