How would you describe a true friend? If you spent enough time thinking about it, there’s likely a fairly long list. Frankly, if you asked me 15 years ago, my list would be 10x as long. Now as an adult, my list is as unconventional as it is short. What truly matters in friendship and whether or not they are a true friend?
I often remind myself with the question because at this point in my life (in my 30s), what matters now was likely un-thought of in my early 20s. I hadn’t yet understood the lessons friendship opened my eyes to, and how it is often mistreated within the lens of rose-colored glasses.
So while, of course, everyone believes a true friend is caring, loyal, and trustworthy – that just simply doesn’t cut it, anymore. In fact, it barely scratches the surface. And not in the way you probably think, because there are bigger things to consider when it comes to friendship. This is how you know they are a true friend.
This is how you know you they’re a true friend
They do not treat or expect you to be their only or sole source of fulfillment
This one struck me pretty hard and invisibly in college. While I was consistently going in and out of heartbreak, I often reminded myself, “At least I have my friends in my life.” What I was relaying was, “I don’t know how to survive on my own, so at least I have friends there for me when I need them.”
There came a point where I heavily depended on [the approval/acceptance of] those people – as in being my primary/only source of security and contentment. In addition, I expected the people who were in my life to be my one-all for everything I wasn’t receiving or willing/able to provide myself (including to them)
Only years later, after many friendships drifted and relationships with those close to me shifted, do I realize that it is utterly insane to expect a singular person to provide everything I need and to make up for my unmet needs. I’ll make it easier to understand, ready?
You may need that friend who is always down and willing to listen to you vent when the reality is that friend won’t and isn’t always going to hold the emotional space to do so.
You may depend on the commitment of getting together every Friday night when the reality is that friend will have other obligations and priorities that supersede you and your time together.
You likely have your own nitty-gritty definition of a ‘true friend’ when the reality is their definition is probably different from yours in ways you might believe is inconceivable.
They seek to be more understanding and can meet you where you are at
If you read the section above, that may have been a pretty tough pill to swallow. You know what makes a person special (in friendship)? Not what they do, give, provide, or have to offer…but their ability to truly “see” another for who they are, as they are.
As human beings, we are not here in search of mirror images of ourselves in others. We may find it easier to connect with those who mimic relatable aspects of ourselves and our lives, but relying solely on that kind of connection in others will eventually fall short.
There isn’t a single person on this planet that will have all or everything we’re searching for without something that isn’t. AKA, you won’t find anyone that doesn’t have an undesirable quality or attribute. We are each, in a greater sense, not enough of _something_ in the eyes of someone else.
As for me, I already know that I have not been as compassionate, optimistic, laid-back, outward/forward, or social *enough* in the eyes of others. That said, you know you have a true friend who can meet you where you’re at. Plus, our individual lens, or worldview, isn’t going to match up to anyone else’s. At least not perfectly.
For example, I am a fairly socially anxious and more introverted person, yet I am a deep, fairly open book to those who actually care to read beyond the excerpt or introductory pages. On the outside, this can easily be seen in the most negative light, especially to socially confident and extroverted individuals.
If my friends were to seek in understanding and accepting who I am as a person, they would know this is not something personal against them. Annoying AF sometimes, yes. But when they’re able to meet me where I’m at, my friends understand the value of my time while also seeing the value in the time I do make for them because it usually requires me to give my all.
It isn’t our job to undermine the qualities in others that do not serve us in hopes of transforming them from a rock into a diamond. A true friend will protect and accept your “undesirable” differences without the need to change or conform them, and they will focus on nurturing the qualities that positively connect you.
They hold space for you and themselves
Maybe this is new news to you, but society is enduring a major empathy and even toxic empathy crisis. Yet I feel like I can both agree and disagree on these.
Personally, I think the crisis is understanding what empathy actually means. That being said, as individuals, we struggle with understanding true empathy while also holding space between ourselves and others. We likely grew up being told, by our parents, in the tragic event of scraping our knees from falling off our bike, “It’s okay – you’re fine,” while our worlds were quite literally crumbling in that moment because we were trying to navigate and feel our way through fear and pain. What we needed to hear was, “It’s okay to be hurt – that must be painful and scary – I’m here for you,” meanwhile we’re hearing, “You’re not dead, the situation wasn’t that bad, so there’s no reason to cry – stop being dramatic.”
Empathy becomes totally lost in translation because parents fail to hold separation between themselves (their reality) and their children’s. Meaning, parents also likely didn’t receive or learn this, either.
On the flip side, toxic empathy is over-empathizing. That would be like a parent who acted as though they were the ones who went through the falling off the bike and scraped knee.
As for a more post-related example, let’s say your co-worker/friend royally screws up at work and ultimately gets fired. Did you know you can empathize with your friend from having experienced a pretty embarrassing, trivial situation and now facing the loss of income while still agreeing and believing the consequences were just?
What does this separation of space mean in friendships? Well, for starters, a true friend will hold you accountable…for you. They will allow you to make your own decisions, and the best ones, for you. They are a true friend if they can honor your feelings and emotions without denying, conforming, or trying to fix them. They will refrain from giving unsolicited advice and instead ask questions in order to better understand your perspective while also allowing you to formulate and draw your own conclusions.
Granted, offering suggestions and help is grossly seen as love and care; so while no one is a master at keeping their thoughts and opinions to themselves when it comes to those who matter, being proactive of this separation is key.
They respect your personal boundaries and differences
Boundaries are as critical as they are necessary in life. You aren’t human if you believe those around you are limitless – for lack of better words, the way you treat someone is always appropriate, acceptable, and welcomed. Your personal boundaries are for you, and to be respected by others.
But that goes without saying that not everyone will be or is capable of doing so. Therefore, a true friend may not necessarily agree with your boundaries (in fact, they don’t have to), but they will surely honor and respect them, regardless. And if you believe the only way for a connection-based friendship to exist is without bounds, you’re greatly mistaken.
Both of my very close friends have differing views on “life” than I – some in very extreme ways, yet these differences do not make them inhumane, volatile, or ignorant. These considerably major, and even minor differences we share have ZERO impact on our friendship for as long as they are accepted and respected.
Whether that boundary has to do with the way you treat and invest in each other’s time, your differences in values and opinions (religion, politics, lifestyle, etc.), or how much and what information you share. Boundaries are, in a sense, the glue that keeps relationships together. Or, I like to call them: the ‘No Outlet’ roadways to keep you on the main path of connection.
They encourage and honor your personal care and responsibility
Ever feel guilty for wanting to cancel plans with a friend (who maybe you haven’t seen in a while) because you would rather spend that free time alone, or doing whatever it is you want to do? At this point in my adult life, I stopped feeling guilty. And I will ensure my friends that they shouldn’t, either.
Fact: I’ve canceled on girl-time just to sit at home, stuff my face, binge watch a terrible TV show, and hang out with my dog all night. #notsorry
And honestly, they are a true friend if they just get it.
They will encourage you to spend the weekend patching up a rocky situation in your relationship, walk alongside you as you battle or recover from a health crisis, and they will back you in your decision to forego that expensive girls’ trip to the beach because you’re trying to save up money for a house.