Actually, he’s not ghosting you (6 Signs)

Too often a label gets slapped on someone simply because we’re easily triggered and offended…and it may not even be accurate. The term ghosting is one of them when, in fact, he’s not ghosting you at all.

I realize I am stepping on hot coals just from this post and that even the title is likely to jolt even the most frustrated and disheartened when it comes to a common dating struggle of our recent generations. From personal experience in the dating world (and online dating realm), I had my own run-in with what would be classified as ghosting today, and also being accused of ghosting. Yet I am also not condoning poor behavior, therefore I do not approve of ghosting as the way to end a relationship or cease a connection while dating (*yes, aside from extreme and necessary circumstances). And from this post I am not, by any means, justifying the true nature and malicious intent behind ghosting. But let’s remember, by definition, what ghosting actually is.

It is the calculated ending of a mutual, intimate relationship or connection with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication and ceasing interaction altogether.

Some will even argue that the genuine nature of ghosting is considered psychological abuse. IMO, in terms of dating, I think that’s a bit of a stretch. We have to consider what *dating* really even means when many tend to jump the gun in terms of [emotional] investment, trust, and intimacy. I don’t know about you, but for me, dating does not mean commitment or exclusivity, nor does it consist of or guarantee mutual emotional investment.

From my dating generation, as a Millennial, if someone slowly dwindled from the limelight – stopped calling and texting, made excuses for not getting together, consistently cancelled plans, completely went MIA and was never to be seen, or heard from again – that simply meant they weren’t interested. We didn’t call it anything else – we took it at face value and moved on.

Ghosting was very rarely a term associated with dating because the behavior has always existed – the behavior actually isn’t anything new. The term came to fruition when the behavior was exhibited in a committed, long-term relationship or when a mutually *exclusive* and emotional investment had been established.

So I really don’t want to be the one to say this but I feel it’s necessary: the label itself is widespread in dating today because 1. people are taking rejection too personally and 2. people are investing and attaching prematurely. *AGAIN, I’m not condoning ghosting behavior, but we need to better understand both sides to the problem.

Nonetheless, it definitely sucks to feel betrayed and abandoned by someone who you felt could be your soulmate after two weeks or after getting up close and intimate fairly early on. But why else would dating exist as that buffer between singlehood and commitment if it weren’t for the sake of no strings attached? Nowadays you can be “ghosted” by someone after one date, or someone you’ve been solely exchanging romantic texts with for a short period of time.

With online dating as now an alternative source for romantic connection, we act like we’re not ghosting the very people who slide into our messages yet leave them on read because we’re not interested. We could go there, but I’ll leave it at that.

Unfortunately, when technology has made it a lot easier to seek, initiate, and make connections with others, it has also made it a lot easier to throw them away, pretend they don’t exist and move on to the next without having to consider or regard the other person’s feelings.

So what changed? Well, back then (pre social media, texting, cell phone era – let’s say) we weren’t always in constant contact. We also didn’t necessarily have the means to be anywhere, everywhere. But thanks to easy and demanding access to technology at our fingertips at all times, and in a million different avenues, we are consumed by the notion that we are entitled to zero-excuse, 24/7 access to other people’s time, effort and energy. Because of this, I believe we landed ourselves into an almost irreversible sinkhole of constantly raising the bar (*the standard*). Honestly, it’s no wonder everyone is let down easily and so disappointed by everyone all the time. Dating in itself is no longer an anticipated pleasure, but an ever-growing pain in the a**.

*Phew*, and I haven’t even gotten to the good parts of this post. Bear with me.

With that said, I find the term ghosting, in dating, has become a default label replacement for passive disinterest or rejection, and is being misused as a way to avoid dealing with our personal triggers; all of which are detrimental to dating health. So listen up, because if you’re dating someone they may not actually be ghosting you.

**The perspective, personal experience, and opinions throughout this post are solely my own.

Actually, he’s not ghosting you (6 Signs)

They had to reinforce a boundary or violated boundary

Aside from the fact we are all likely to cross over some lines in the sand with others, even though we mean well, it may be hard of hearing when someone puts their foot down. LBR, especially when that someone is a fresh, romantic interest. And by putting their foot down, this may be on something seemingly not-a-big-deal *to you*. In fact, you might even say this boundary wouldn’t exist *if they really liked you*.

So when you “overstepped”, say, by befriending their friends and siblings on Facebook after Date #1 (whom you’ve yet to meet) or bopping by their place unannounced (after having slept there for the first time the night prior), to you this may be unapologetically normal or *acceptable*. Yet it may not be for them. And if they felt they had to address and express this to you so early on, they may be left with their own assumptions and a poor impression. And this can ultimately leave them with a bad taste in the mouth right out the gate and to then make a first impression decision.

I can attest to this from personal experience. It was dreadfully annoying to have to overly explain my 12-hr, chaotic work schedule to a *new* romantic interest. Not only that but as to why I was unable to or didn’t always reply in a “timely” manner to their repetitive, *anxious*-driven texts throughout the [work] day.

In that sense I felt like it was wrong of me to honor my personal limits – not wanting to feel smothered by someone I just met and had juvenile and fragile *feelings* for. Call it what you will – the situation may have been totally different if I was *head over heels* infatuated with this person from the start, but that isn’t considered a “healthy” reason to overlook or violate personal boundaries and limits, either.

So by addressing my limits (or setting a boundary), I am also appointing the consequence that this was behavior I would no longer entertain if continued because it could ultimately jeopardize what feelings I did have. Needless to say, it did continue, which meant I did not need to explain or repeat myself and my decision to then go *no contact* thereafter. In my defense, I didn’t owe him anything. And that’s something we need to reconsider in terms of dating.

[Related Read: Thanks to Hookup Culture, dating is now ruined]

THEREFORE, if they did – in some fashion – reinforce a boundary (especially more than once) or address their limit to you, to which you either failed to acknowledge or respect, and they went no contact…they’re not ghosting you.

And that’s just it – a boundary violation destroyed my interest in someone. There are certainly times when our limits are reached, where maintaining our internal peace is more important than having to over-explain ourselves to someone we hardly know beyond the surface.

They spelled out their need for space

When I was dating, as an adult seeking a relationship, space was a huge thing for me. Though more often than not, I experienced dating individuals where I felt my space was denied, violated, devalued, or disrespected. And when that occurred, or failed to resolve itself, I lost interest real quick. So if/when I had to request or demand space in a position where it wasn’t being considered or respected naturally or willingly, I would have moved on.

Bottom line is, space [on some level] is crucial. Yet we typically believe someone who actually wants or needs space is uninterested – tell me I’m wrong. But we really should extend the rope on this, especially when getting to know someone doesn’t equate to this anticipated entitlement of their sole interest and time.

Some need more space than others, yet its still no surprise that space almost becomes null and void when you’re hot and bothered over someone who, yes, may also be hot and bothered over you, too. Hence why this statement remains, “If he really likes me he wouldn’t *need* or *want* space from me.” The dangers are a catch 22: it’s dangerous to expect someone to never want space (as proof of their love/interest) while it’s also dangerous to need or want *too much space* (from someone you love/interest).

Either way, I think it’s safe to say that if someone you’re only dating is asking for space, and they’ve made that clear by disappearing from the radar, then it’s a fairly good indication that their feelings for you are not in alignment with yours for them. And if they have had to exhaust all efforts in maintaining their space, while you continue to admonish it, and he goes no contact…I’m sorry, but he’s not ghosting you.

They’ve made their intentions known and clear

Let’s talk casual. You know, you’re with someone who strictly told you from the beginning that they want to keep things light, free, open – casual. Anything that spells *they just want to have fun* with zero strings and no commitments. Maybe that’s you, too – you also just want casual.

Are there any *other* specifics as to what casual means in dating? No, dating in and of itself is strictly casual. Dating means no one is tied to another. Yet we have the most difficult time understanding and accepting that. Casual is why dating exists in the first place. People didn’t want to be “tied down” to one person, nor did they want to be in their debt. Nobody said dating was the perfect scenario for monogamous-believers or serial monogamists.

Therefore I think we can all agree that to want something casual means non-committal, no strings attached (no emotional investment), and indefinite (meaning there’s no contract, fees, regulations or a start-end date). Then it is also safe to say that if someone you’re dating has made their casual intentions clear (and have not given you any inclination that says otherwise) then it is already established that they are not bound to you. Meaning they do not have to inform you if, when, how, or why it comes to an end.

Oftentimes people blame vague, misleading, or indirect wording, confirmation, or behavior for steering them into believing they want the same things. The thing is if the answer is not a hard Yes, it’s a No. We need to be more aware and consider these fairly common scenarios:

• When you ask someone if they’re looking for a relationship and their response deflects an affirmative Yes, like, “If the right person comes around, at the right time, you know,” or “I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on things when you’re getting to know someone.” This is their way of always seeking an “out” for when/if something better comes along.
• You start doubting their intentions because they are treating you differently (distantly) after you’ve been intimate. Unfortunately…sex is not an indication, agreement, or confirmation of someone’s feelings, investment, commitment or respect for you.
• They engage in the push/pull method – love bombing you (with gifts, attention, words, lavish false promises, and affection) then retract/withdraw in ways that are “justified” with the periods of love bombing (i.e., he doesn’t text you back for days, cancels plans with you without making new ones, has excuses for his withdrawn behavior, says you’re overreacting when you express distaste for not having seen each other in weeks). If they’re painting this portrait to make you an Enemy and them the Saint through hot and cold behavior, it’s their way of showing you you’re dispensable while getting you to *worship* them.
• They tell you (or even show you) they are invested in you, but have never actually reinforced that it’s only you. They do this slyly by making you aware of how important/special you are and then counteracting with grossly specific red flags. For example, he’s away on a business trip but calls to tell you it was extended through the weekend, so you inquire about showing up to visit him but he quickly evades the suggestion of spending time with you during his free time.

Unfortunately, the whole casual-ness aspect in dating can get a bit blurry (rightfully so if you’re not dating with the intent of exclusivity), and since the two are near and the same it is that much more important to talk about or stand up for your end-goals or dating intentions upfront, which also comes with the risk of rejection and disappointment. But if you agree to something strictly casual and they have made their intentions known and clear…they’re not ghosting you if you only suddenly realize their actually serious about not being invested or committed to you from the get-go.

You’re not satisfied with what [answer] they’ve given you

Fact: nobody owes you anything – not even an explanation. You’ve been on a handful of dates with someone, and it’s going so well in your eyes but maybe you’re unsure from their end. The fact that you’re uncertain IS the red flag, girlfriend.

We can cry immaturity and lack of human decency all we want, but time and time again we are told by professionals that we are also allowed to change our minds and walk away, without explanation, as in order to “preserve our internal peace”…even if that means going no contact. For instance,

• No longer entertaining drama/gossip or engaging with a friend who said things about you behind your back.
• Not responding to [flirtatious/forward] DMs, texts, or phone calls from those attempting to “pursue” you – who you’re not interested in.
• Deleting/blocking accounts/individuals (on social media) that do not or no longer serve you or “spark joy” in your life.
• Going “no contact” with family members or ex-partners who are not or no longer a positive influence or role model in your life.
• Not responding to an offer or invitation with or without reason.

You might say, in a sense, we’ve likely ALL “ghosted” at some point in life. We’ve even ghosted friends, co-workers and family members and treat it like it’s no big deal. That doesn’t necessarily make it okay, but there are very personal and oftentimes necessary reasons, especially if someone gave you an “answer” you simply aren’t satisfied with. And, yes, no answer is still an answer, while some answers can actually be hurtful on the forefront yet are still indirect or passive. For example, in dating:

• When their effort starts to fizzle or their behavior goes hot and cold; they start dwindling in the frequency or quality of their texts (one word replies or they take *too long* to respond appropriately) and phone calls (their short in nature or you reach their voicemail with no consistency in response) as well as their attempts and effort at making plans to see you (attempts are slim to none, plans are often cancelled, “rain checked” or there’s always an “excuse” for lack of effort in making time). This is called Bread-crumbing; you’re expecting their low-quality effort to change while tolerating low-quality effort at the same time, and when it doesn’t and they totally vanish…you claim ghosting.
• When they are wishy-washy with their feelings for you; one minute they show you they like you and then you’re doubting it the next. They can’t be up front and honest with how they feel about you (without your coercion or inquisition); you’re on a rollercoaster loop in hopes they stop the ride and escort you off the train for good, but when the ride does stop because they’re no longer manning the controls…you claim ghosting.
• When they refuse or fail to prioritize or consider your time, energy and effort; they lean on excuses or blame you for their inadequacies. You continue to prioritize your energy, effort and time into them while tolerating low-quality behaviors or even maltreatment, yet when all noise suddenly goes quiet…you claim ghosting.
• When they fail to or wrongly acknowledge your innate value; they’re focused on what *you bring to the table*, or in this case, they refuse to show up because of what you can’t offer them, so you become hyper-focused on what’s wrong with them or what’s wrong with you before noticing they’ve up and left the table altogether…and you claim ghosting.

Remember, poor, undesirable behavior and maltreatment is also an answer. No answer is also an answer…it’s not always ghosting. It just may not be the answer [confirmation] you’re satisfied with.

You’re hyper-focused on their behavior while avoiding self-responsibility

Everyone and their mother should know that – by now – there are circumstances (and we know they exist) where “ghosting” is actually encouraged or necessary in order to protect a person’s well-being. You might say ceasing contact – especially in dating – is necessary for an instance where someone simply isn’t accepting of rejection. *This especially applies to abuse and manipulation tactics such as coercion, shame, obsessive or possessive behaviors, gaslighting, aggression, targeted threats, etc.

Moreover, there are obviously common scenarios that may leave you in a place of uncertainty, doubt, or insecurity – circumstances that literally make you go, “WTF just happened?” When someone isn’t blatantly interested in you, of course it’s normal to wonder where and what [you and the situation] went wrong or fell short.

Surely I can understand where people value feedback as a way of gaining clarity or to learn from the lesson. But, honestly, if you royally screwed up or did something wrong…you’re going to know about it. The difference is whether feedback or “closure” is gathered from a place of self-growth rather than an attempt to salvage the current situation or to turn the blame table.

On that note, is it really THAT important to know that someone you were just dating (who you barely scratched the surface with) was no longer interested because of [said quirk, hobby, passion, character trait, personality-type, lifestyle, core value, or dating standard] as if that has ZERO chance of being desirable to the next person? They’re not ghosting you if they only skimmed the surface and found something they didn’t like.

They never actually initiated or insinuated interest in the first place

Now I understand this one can be a little confusing, because why would someone toy around with another if they weren’t at all interested? I think there are some pretty simple explanations to consider.

• People like to talk. Whether they’re interested or find you interesting or not. We can’t act like it’s impossible to interact with someone solely out of the desire to conversate and nothing else.
• People like the attention. Hello, there are those who will nurse the bottle they’re being fed even if they won’t go back for seconds. Let’s not pretend the flattery isn’t nice to enjoy without other motives or returning the favor.
• Ladies, there are far and FEW reasons guys will turn down an opportunity. When I say guys will shoot their shot, I mean it, with or without interest. Plainly, it would surprise me to know that there are guys who won’t have sex with someone their not interested in, especially if the offer presented itself. But I rarely find that to be the case. That being said, guys are much, much less likely to turn down the opportunity regardless of whether they’re interested.

We really can’t take every single act or word as assumed interest. As difficult as it may be, ladies, we’re really good at taking a, “I had a really good time tonight,” as to mean, “I want to marry you.” So no wonder it burns like hell when a guy says that to ultimately never get back with you about a next date. Fact of the matter is, the wordage is nice and all but it doesn’t completely insinuate interest. He could have legitimately had a good time…and that be it.

We already say enough, “They wouldn’t [reach out, ask for your number, set up a date to meet, call you the next day, text you goodnight, etc.] if they *weren’t* interested,“…but we really have to be careful that we aren’t labeling everything as interest or blowing things up bigger than they are, especially right off the bat. We also have to remember that even if he asked for your number, that doesn’t insinuate genuine interest if he never calls.

You literally can’t “ghost” something that never was or that you didn’t have in the first place.