Too often a label gets slapped on someone simply because we’re easily triggered and offended. The term ghosting is no different. When, actually, they’re not ghosting you at all. In reality there’s a very real internal issue surfacing. Oope.
I realize I am stepping on hot coals just from this post and that even the title is likely to jolt even the most frustrated and disheartened when it comes to a common dating struggle of our recent generations. From personal experience in the dating world (and online dating realm), I had my own run-in with what would be classified as ghosting today, and also being accused of ghosting (whether that’s true or not, really depends). Yet I am also not condoning poor behavior, therefore I do not approve of ghosting as the way to end a relationship or cease a connection while dating (*yes, aside from extreme and necessary circumstances). And from this post I am not, by any means, justifying the true nature and malicious intent behind ghosting. But let’s remember, by definition, what ghosting actually is.
It is the calculated ending of a mutual, intimate relationship with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication and ceasing interaction altogether.
Some will even argue that the genuine nature of ghosting is considered psychological abuse. IMO, in terms of dating, I think that’s a bit of a stretch. We have to consider what *dating* really even means when many tend to jump the gun in terms of [emotional] investment, trust, and intimacy. I don’t know about you, but for me, dating does not mean commitment, nor does it consist of or guarantee mutual emotional investment. You know, the whole foundational and security thing.
From my dating generation, if someone slowly dwindled (or AKA the slow fade) from the limelight, stopped calling and texting, made excuses for not getting together, or completely went MIA and was never to be seen, or heard from again (big key word, there)…that simply meant they weren’t interested. We didn’t call it anything else – we simply moved on.
Ghosting was very rarely a term associated with dating because the behavior has always existed – the behavior actually isn’t anything new. Ghosting came about when the behavior was exhibited in a committed, long-term relationship or mutual, *exclusive* and emotional investment had been established. So I really don’t want to be the one to say this but I feel it’s necessary: the label itself is widespread in dating today because people are attaching prematurely. *AGAIN, I’m not condoning ghosting behavior, but we need to better understand both sides to the problem.
Nonetheless, it definitely sucks to feel betrayed and abandoned by someone who you felt could be your soulmate after two weeks or after getting up close and intimate fairly early on [in dating someone]. But why else would dating exist as that buffer between singlehood and exclusive, mutual investment (commitment)? Nowadays you can be “ghosted” by someone after one date, or someone you’ve been solely exchanging romantic texts with for a short period of time. With online dating as now an alternative source for romantic connection, we act like we’re not ghosting the very people who slide into our messages yet leave them on read..*because we’re not interested in them*. We could *go there*, but we won’t.
Unfortunately, when technology has made it a lot easier to seek, initiate, and make connections with others, it has also made it a lot easier to throw them away, pretend they don’t exist and move on to the next without having to consider or regard the other person’s feelings.
So what changed? Well, back then (pre social media, texting, cell phone era – let’s say) we weren’t always in constant contact. We also didn’t necessarily have the means to be. But thanks to easy and demanding access to technology at our fingertips at all times, and in a million different avenues, we are consumed by the notion that we are entitled to zero-excuse, 24/7 access to other people’s time and energy. Because of this, I believe we landed ourselves into an almost irreversible sinkhole of constantly raising the bar (*the standard*). Honestly, it’s no wonder everyone is let down easily and so disappointed by everyone all the time. Dating in itself is no longer an anticipated pleasure, but an ever-growing pain in the a**.
With that said, I find the term ghosting *in dating* has become a default label replacement for passive disinterest or rejection, and is being misused as a way to avoid our own personal triggers; all of which are detrimental to dating health. So listen up, because if you’re dating someone they may not actually be ghosting you.
**The perspective, personal experience, and opinions throughout this post are solely my own.
Actually, they’re not ghosting you and here’s why
They had to reinforce a boundary or violated boundary
Aside from the fact we are all likely to cross over some lines in the sand with others, even though we mean well, it may be hard of hearing when someone puts their foot down. LBR, especially when that someone is a fresh, romantic interest. And by putting their foot down, this may be on something seemingly not-a-big-deal *to you*. In fact, you might even say this boundary wouldn’t exist *if they really liked you*.
So when you “overstepped”, say, by befriending their friends and siblings on Facebook after Date #1 (whom you’ve yet to meet) or bopping by their place unannounced (after having slept there for the first time the night prior), to you this may be unapologetically normal or *acceptable*. Yet it may not be for them. And if they felt they had to address and express this to you so early on, they may be left with several assumptions/impressions:
- You rush into things – emotionally, physically, etc. (which makes them feel overwhelmed and *smothered*),
- You lack self-restraint and reason (you don’t know when something is too much or too soon) – i.e., “Hm, I haven’t been introduced to his friends, so maybe I should hold off from friending them on Facebook/IG until 1. I actually get to know them in person, and 2. it’s clear that him and I are even “a [mutually exclusive] thing”.
- There are no limits for you (when it comes to other’s) – you’re willing to push them or that you have zero regard for others having them, period.
- All in all, this could be a sneak peak into how your previous relationships have shaped you. Yes, this can leave a negative impression on a romantic interest early on.
Ultimately leaving them with a bad taste in the mouth right out the gate and making relatively “first impressionable” decisions.
I can attest to this from personal experience. It was dreadfully annoying to have to have to overly explain my 12-hr, chaotic work schedule to a *new* romantic interest. Not only that but as to why I was unable to or didn’t always reply in a “timely” manner to their repetitive, *anxious*-like texts throughout the [work] day. In that sense I felt like it was wrong of me to honor my personal limits – not wanting to feel smothered by someone I just met and had fragile *feelings* for. Call it what you will – the situation may have been totally different if I was *head over heels* infatuated with this person, but that isn’t considered a “healthy” reason to overlook or violate personal boundaries/limits, either.
[Related Read: Thanks to Hookup Culture, dating is now ruined]
So by addressing my limits (or setting a boundary), I am also appointing the consequence that this was behavior I would no longer entertain if continued because it would ultimately jeopardize what feelings I did have. Needless to say, it did continue, which meant I did not need to explain or repeat myself and my decision to then go *no contact* thereafter. In my defense, I didn’t owe him anything. And that’s something we need to reconsider in dating more often.
THEREFORE, if they did – in some fashion – reinforce a boundary (especially more than once) or address their limit to you, to which you either failed to acknowledge or respect, and they went no contact…they’re not ghosting you. And that’s just it – a boundary violation destroyed my interest in someone. And by addressing that boundary I was also establishing my limit, yet they didn’t ask for clarity or have any respect for what was brought to attention. There are certainly times when our limits are reached, where maintaining our internal peace is more important than having to over-explain ourselves to someone we hardly know beyond the surface.
They asked for space
While dating, space was a huge thing for me, including emotional space. Even if I was *unhealthily* head over heels for someone, which added difficulty, I did my very best to hold myself accountable when it came to honoring that personal space – mine and theirs. Of course, with those I really, really liked, my unsupervised, unmediated self *truly* wanted to spend every waking minute talking to or with that person. I also knew that with those I didn’t really like I honored my personal space even more, on a whole different level. So why should it be [treated] any different for someone I truly like? That’s how I knew I had an unhealthy pattern of self-sacrificing in order to gain the love and approval of those whose love and approval I sought after.
But, more often than not, I experienced dating individuals where I felt my space was denied, violated, devalued, or disrespected. And when that occurred, or failed to resolve itself, I lost interest real quick. So if/when I had to request or demand space in a position where it wasn’t being considered or respected naturally or willingly, I had basically moved on at that point. Like I said, if I actually *wanted* a free weekend to myself….more than likely it’s because I really wasn’t interested in him. That’s not to say I wasn’t capable of honoring my boundaries of personal space with someone I truly liked….I just wasn’t always inclined [wanting] to.
Re-read those last two sentences, again.
Bottom line is, to almost everyone, space [on some level] is crucial. For romantic interests we really like or are infatuated with, more than likely we’re the ones neglecting our need [boundaries] for personal space. Some need more space than others, yet its still no surprise that space almost becomes null and void when you’re hot and bothered over someone who, yes, may also be hot and bothered over you, too. Hence why this statement remains, “If he really likes me he wouldn’t *need* or *want* space from me.” The dangers are a catch 22: it’s dangerous to expect someone to never want space (as proof of their love/interest) while it’s also dangerous to need or want *too much space* (from someone you love/you interest).
Either way, I think it’s safe to say that if someone you’re dating *suddenly*, already requires or [consistently] *wants* space from you, and they’ve made that clear, then it’s a fairly good indication that their feelings for you are not in alignment with yours for them. And if they have had to exhaust all efforts in maintaining their need or want for space, while you continue to admonish it, and he goes no contact…I’m sorry but he’s not ghosting you.
[mailerlite_form form_id=0]They’ve made their intentions known and clear
Let’s talk casual. You know, you’re with someone who strictly told you from the beginning that they want to keep things light, free, open – casual. Anything that spells *they just want to have fun*. And maybe that’s you – you just want casual.
Are there any *other* specifics as to what casual means in dating? No, dating in and of itself is strictly casual. Yet we have the most difficult time understanding and accepting that. Casual is why dating exists in the first place. People didn’t want to be “tied down” to one person, nor did they want to be in their debt. Here’s the thing: nobody said dating was the perfect scenario for monogamous-believers or serial monogamists.
Therefore I think we can all agree that to want something casual means non-committal, no strings attached (no emotional investment), and indefinite (meaning there’s no contract, fees, regulations or a start-end date). Then it is also safe to say that if someone you’re dating has made their casual intentions clear (and have not given you any inclination that says otherwise) then it is already established that they are not bound to you. Meaning they do not have to inform you if, when, how, or why it comes to an end.
Oftentimes people blame vague, misleading, or indirect wording, confirmation, or behavior for steering them into believing they want the same things. The thing is if the answer is not a hard No or Yes, it’s never a Yes. We need to be more aware and consider these fairly common scenarios:
- When you ask someone if they’re looking for a relationship and their response deflects an affirmative Yes, like, “If the right person comes around, at the right time, you know,” or “I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on things when you’re getting to know someone.” This is their way of always seeking an “out” for when/if something better comes along.
- You start doubting their intentions because they are treating you differently after you’ve been intimate. Unfortunately…sex is not an indication, agreement, or confirmation of someone’s feelings, investment, commitment or respect for you. It should, but we don’t live in a world like that. It’s your responsibility to ensure those things are prevalent prior to or aside from sex.
- They engage in the push/pull method – love bombing you (with gifts, attention, words, lavish promises, and affection) then retract/withdraw in ways that are “justified” with the periods of love bombing (i.e., he doesn’t text you back for days, cancels plans with you without making new ones, has excuses for his withdrawn behavior, says you’re overreacting when you express distaste for not having seen each other in weeks). If they’re painting this portrait to make you an *Enemy* and them this *Saint* through hot and cold behavior, it’s their way of showing you you’re dispensable while getting you to *worship* them.
- They tell you (or even show you) they are invested in you, but have never actually reinforced that it’s only you. They do this slyly by making you aware of how important/special you are and then counteracting with grossly specific and almost undetectable red flags. For example, he’s away on a business trip but calls to tell you it was extended through the weekend, so you inquire about showing up to visit him but he quickly evades the suggestion of spending time with you during his *off* time.
Unfortunately, the whole casual-ness aspect in dating can get a bit blurry (rightfully so if you’re not dating with the intent of exclusivity), and since the two are near and the same it is that much more important to talk about or stand up for your end-goals or dating intentions upfront, which also comes with the risk of rejection and disappointment. But if you agree to something strictly casual and they have made their intentions known and clear…they’re not ghosting you if you only suddenly realize their *serious* about not being invested or committed to you from the get-go.
You’re not satisfied with what [answer] they’ve given you
Fact: nobody owes you anything – not even an explanation. With dating being considered widely superficial, that means nobody is entitled to special access to someone nor is anyone expected to give someone anything. We can cry and scream human indecency and anti-Love all we want, but time and time again we are told by professionals that we are also *entitled* to walking away from what no longer serves us, without explanation, as in order to “preserve our internal peace”…even if that means going no contact. For instance,
- No longer entertaining drama/gossip or engaging with a friend who said things about you behind your back.
- Not responding to [flirtatious/forward] DMs, texts, or phone calls from those attempting to “pursue” you – who you’re not interested in.
- Deleting/blocking accounts/individuals (on social media) that do not or no longer serve you or “spark joy” in your life.
- Going “no contact” with family members or ex-partners who are not or no longer a positive influence or role model in your life.
- Not responding to an offer or invitation…[1] because you accepted another job elsewhere or [2] because you won’t be attending a party where there’s alcohol since you don’t drink.
You might say, in a sense, we’ve likely ALL “ghosted” at some point in life. We’ve even ghosted friends, co-workers and family members. This has certainly happened to me. That doesn’t necessarily make it okay, but there are very personal and oftentimes necessary reasons, especially if someone gave you an “answer” you simply aren’t satisfied with. And, yes, no answer is still an answer, while some answers can actually be hurtful on the forefront yet are still indirect or passive. For example, in dating:
- When they start dwindling (or their behavior goes hot and cold) in the frequency or quality of their texts (one word replies; they take *too long* to respond appropriately) and phone calls (their short in nature; you reach their voicemail with no consistency in response) as well as their attempts and effort at making plans to see you (attempts are slim to none, plans are often cancelled or “rain checked”, or there’s always an “excuse” for lack of effort in making time). This is called Bread-crumbing; you’re expecting their low-quality effort to change while tolerating low-quality effort at the same time, and when it doesn’t and they totally vanish…you claim ghosting.
- When they are wishy-washy with their feelings for you; one minute they show you they like you and then you’re doubting it the next. They can’t be up front and honest with how they feel about you (without your coersion or inquisition); you’re on a rollercoaster on loop in hopes they stop the ride and escort you off the train for good, but when the ride does stop because they’re no longer manning the controls…you claim ghosting.
- When they refuse or fail to prioritize or consider your time, energy and effort; they lean on excuses or blame you for their/your inadequacies. You continue to prioritize your energy, effort and time into them while tolerating low-quality behavior and subtle emotional abuse tactics, yet when all noise suddenly goes quiet…you claim ghosting.
- When they fail to or wrongly acknowledge your innate value; they’re focused on what *you bring to the table*, or in this case, they refuse to show up because of what you can’t offer them, so you become hyper-focused on *what’s wrong with them* or *what’s wrong with you* before you notice they’ve up and left the table altogether…and you claim ghosting.
*These are all considered “Passive” answers. They are to be found within, and these answers should tell you, “I will not tolerate this, and I deserve better,” without the need for direct, verbal confirmation or feedback from the horse’s mouth. Remember, poor or undesirable behavior and treatment is also an answer. No answer is also an answer…it’s not always ghosting. It just may not be the answer [confirmation] you’re satisfied with.
You’re hyper-focused on their behavior while avoiding self-responsibility
Everyone and their mother should know that – by now – there are circumstances (and we know they exist) where “ghosting” is actually encouraged or necessary in order to protect a person’s well-being. You might say ceasing contact – especially in dating – is necessary for an instance where someone simply isn’t accepting of rejection. *This especially applies to abuse and manipulation tactics such as coercion, shame, obsessive or possessive behaviors, gaslighting, aggression, targeted threats, etc.
Moreover, there are obviously common scenarios that may leave you in a place of uncertainty, doubt, or insecurity – circumstances that literally make you go, “WTF just happened?” When someone isn’t blatantly interested in you, of course it’s normal to wonder where and what [you and the situation] went wrong or fell short. Surely I can understand where people value feedback as a way of gaining clarity or to *learn from the lesson*, but honestly, if you royally screwed up or did something wrong…you’re going to know about it. The difference is whether feedback or “closure” is gathered from a place of self-growth rather than an attempt to salvage the current situation or to turn the blame table. On that note, is it really that important to know that someone you were *dating* (who barely scratched the surface with you) was no longer interested because of [said quirk, hobbie/passion, character trait, *personality*, life/moral value, or dating standard] as if that won’t be desirable to the next person?
Oftentimes we’re too busy hyper-focused on diagnosing other people’s *narcissistic* [toxic] traits, inadequate qualities, less-than-desirable standards, incompatible interests or immoral values. And when you are hyper-focused on the why (of someone else’s behavior), what you’re really doing is deflecting self-responsibility (self-awareness, reflection, help, Love, healing, etc.).
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]They never actually initiated conversation (or interest) in the first place
Let. Me. Be. Clearer. If he never reached out to you *first*, it’s not ghosting!
Especially due to the online dating world, dating now is seemingly all about logistics. He DM’d me, he texted me first or last, I said good-morning three days in a row and he has never said good-night, I initiated a date before him, yada-yada-ya. We’ve literally made these things so important to us, and factual. As if these things are the PROOF that they like you or don’t like you.
At bold-face value, if a guy reached out to you first…he’s obviously interested (in SOMETHING). Now, if you reached out first and he replies – great. But say the conversation, after a few weeks, and a shared date, fizzles on his end. The fact still remains that you reached out to him first, which means it’s not that unusual to say that the ball [of determining mutual interest] is in his court.
And while we are embracing such a unique realm where women are the ones putting their foot forward and making the first moves (yay – go us), we also have to understand that this comes at no surprise of inevitable rejection. Yes, it sucks – horridly – yet it’s important to understand that it’s commonplace. It was always once and still is commonplace for men. We aren’t meant to be liked or valued by everyone, or every single person we come into contact with, or every person we fancy (see an interest in).
So I’m sorry to have to say this but if you made the big move (by reaching out to him first) – even if you, by chance, met and exchanged numbers in person – and he doesn’t respond…that’s not ghosting. You literally can’t “ghost” something that never existed (you didn’t *have*) in the first place.
