The Silent Killer In Relationships [Yes, In Marriage, Too!]

Why exactly is it called a “silent killer“? For one thing, it’s silence really means concealed and inconspicuous. It’s something we don’t realize is doing harm as it is happening. And most of the time, we don’t take it’s impact on our SO into consideration. Because this silent killer in relationships is about having control – over ourselves.

I’m still currently fighting my own battle. And just when it may seem like I have it all behind me – a bigger, darker cloud arises. It’s very situational, to say the least, but having anxiety doesn’t help my case, either.

I feel terrible once the moment has passed, because I can easily look back and think, “Was allowing myself to go through that honestly worth it?” Yet in the moment, powering through it, letting it go, brushing it off, or telling myself anything otherwise seems almost impossible.

And I’m ashamed, because I can only wonder what this may look like through my husband’s eyes. I realize only after the fact how much this impacts his outlook on me, our marriage and our life together.

And not in the best way.

the silent killer in

relationships

[yes, in marriage, too!]

If it has never crossed your mind, it’s important to know that our attitude (or thinking) constitutes and shapes our world around us.  Just as much as our perspective on life is entirely unique from others, so is our way of thinking – how we think, how we perceive, and how we allow our thinking and perception to affect and change us. Negative behavior is what follows our negative attitude (or thinking), which can have a negative impact on not only ourselves but our relationships.

Our negative attitude shapes, alters and impacts the foundation of our relationships.

I’m not just talking about the attitude from an argument with your SO on not stacking the dishes correctly in the dishwasher. There are so many other things in our lives that have an impact on ourselves, and our way of thinking (that aren’t all necessarily caused by our spouse). I may not actually be talking in depth on relationships in this post, because primarily this silent killer has to do with ourselves.

This aspect of your relationship is not something your significant other is responsible for – you are.

And it’s outcome is in your hands. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always naturally been the “glass half empty“person. Why? It might be my upbringing – not exactly sure. I do know this to be true: when my parents fought, or there was any form of conflict with my parents and I – there was this notion that we were not supposed to talk it through. There wasn’t much “resolution“, or use of “I’m sorry“, from what I can remember. They, or we, would withstand silent treatment for days – until suddenly, one day, it was all as if nothing ever happened. But during those days of silence – the energy was always tense, negative emotions were spilling over our lids, and the logic I had was that if they weren’t happy, I was not allowed to be happy.

With having a negative attitude because of, or about something, I had the tendency to let it stew inside me for days. I would allow it to fester in my mind, and pick it apart until there was nothing left – thinking that’s the only logical way to rid of it. That wasn’t even the biggest issue of it all. It was those moments, or days, that inhibited my true happiness. I would tear down anything good that comes along on those days. And during that time I treated my husband differently, and he saw a side of me much like a depressive state. From the way I greeted him, to losing sudden or all interest in the fun, lively aspects of our marriage.

I know, it’s unnerving. It’s only once the wave is over that I finally regain enough sense to think, “How can I allow it to get to that point?” I wouldn’t say I’m a completely changed woman, but definitely a work in progress. By keeping my anxiety at bay, while also remaining aware of my emotions and triggers – I’m gaining conscious control of what has shaped me over the years.

Acknowledge the reasoning as it is happening

I probably make it sound like no one is entitled to a bad day at work. That’s not where I’m going with this. There’s a difference in having a bad day, and letting that one bad day have an ongoing effect on your attitude with everything else in your life.

Think of it like the snowball effect.

That is the point where we allow our attitude to impact other areas of our life – when it shouldn’t. There are plenty of reasons we fall into negative thinking – some more complex than others – and as step one it’s crucial that we be able to acknowledge them.

confrontation/conflict

Whether in the relationship, or not. How we handle conflict and confrontation plays a major role in our attitude, as well as an indicator of it’s impact on our relationships. A genuinely positive person strives for resolution and forgiveness (no matter the situation) – with the use of proper communication.

[Related read: 13 Vital Communication Skills That Will Save Your Relationship]

your past

And I mean everything from your past – with or without your SO. From childhood experiences, past heartbreak, to personal obstacles. We may not think our past has any control over our attitude for the future, but it does. Your past is what has brought you thus far, and shaped who you are this very moment. If you can imagine what your life would be like by eliminating some of your past – you’re enabling it to control your attitude towards a better future.

your failures

Failures in life, and in our relationships. We all have them. Failures are our indicator of effort towards success. But many of us use our failures as a way to push success further down the chipping block. In doing so, you are allowing your failures to keep you from reaching your fullest potential.

lack of self esteem

About our bodies, achievements, goals, choices, beliefs, insecurities, flaws or faults – lacking in self confidence is definitely a trigger towards a negative attitude.

your regrets

This may follow along the same path as your past, or failures. A negative attitude may follow with regret, in hopes for a change in outcome. When in the end, you know who is responsible for your own life choices – and that’s you.

dissatisfaction

In or out of your relationship. Dissatisfaction in your relationship without the motive for change is the catalyst to negative attitude toward your SO, ultimately resulting in prolonging dissatisfaction and negative behavior to turn on both sides. Again, we may be expecting change (in others) in order to be satisfied, but who is in sole control of your happiness? That’s right – you.

blame

Someone with a negative outlook, or attitude on life more than likely has the tendency to hold others accountable and responsible. Whether that be for their dissatisfaction, misfortunes, failures, wrong-doings, conflict or past negative experiences. Because we failed ourselves, or encountered less-than-par satisfaction in life, we want others to feel our pain or be noted as the cause. To rid ourselves of dealing with that pain, we want others to pick up the pieces for us, instead of picking our feet up off the ground and acknowledging change in ourselves.

envy/comparison of others’ lives

We are exposed to life comparisons every single day. In magazines, social media, or simply driving around in your car. You get a glimpse of what someone else’s life might be like – from your perspective. Whether that be the kind of car they drive, how big of a house they live in, how they spend their money, the kind of job they have, how many friends they have on social media, the places they travel, or the luxuries they may have. Living by negatively comparing your life to others, rather than focusing on the good in your own and appreciating what you do have (that others may not), has a depreciating effect on your life.

[Related read: 4 Things You Need To Stop Doing In Order To Live A Happier Life]

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With anything and everything that comes your way. That new job promotion – oh, but you’re barely making more money from it, so what gives? You met someone new – well, they’re bound to make a disappearing act any day now. Finally finishing that book – yeah, look how many hours of my life have been wasted now.

Granted, we’re all vulnerable to being pessimistic every now and then, but who really enjoys being a Negative Nancy all the time? It isn’t exhausting, draining, and unfulfilling to be that ungrateful? And to be even more honest – nobody really enjoys being around a Debbie Downer, either.

don’t just stand there – do something about it

Talk it out

I’m not saying run to the nearest person to complain, but to really reach out for the encouragement to change. Talk with your SO – openly and honestly. Create a judge-free zone, or an environment that is comfortable, for you to explore the reason for your negative attitude. Another outside perspective is a great support system, and encouragement to help break the cycle of negativity.

Speak with yourself – whole-heartedly. Ask yourself the whats, whys, and hows – nobody knows you better than you. Or speak with a counselor, who can help you with the right questions for you to answer within yourself in helping you move forward.

Learn to LET GO

Keeping our negative feelings and emotions bottled up inside are actually toxic towards our mental health, in a sense. It’s important to understand the concept and purpose of coming to terms and learning to let things be a thing of the past (mentally and emotionally).

Remember: what happened yesterday happened – it’s done – and cannot be changed. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, because it has yet to happen – you can’t change something that doesn’t exist. But today is a new day – that is all that matters now – and how I make of it is my conscious choice.

Make the conscious choice

Daily. Everyday, you have the conscious choice to wake up and say, “Today will be a good day.” The world around you is not responsible for how you feel, perceive or react – that is solely up to you to choose. You have the ultimate power of allowing something, and anything to affect you negatively.

Focus on the GOOD

When life is good, we appreciate the good. When life gets us down – we act as if the good we’re reaching for no longer exists, or is not enough. We must not act on this. We are allowing the negative to take over the good in our lives. Because wouldn’t you say it’s the good in our lives that strive us to move forward, to keep on keeping on, and want to give the same goodness in return? We should use that good to focus on picking ourselves back up when life gets us down.

make a change, and embrace acceptance

Nobody creates the life you live, except you. No one has the permission to change it, except you. Life may throw you obstacles, but the choice to climb them is depended on you. You may not like everything life offers – there’s no use in pitying yourself over it – that is why you are given the power of choice, and the strength to make a change.

And with change we must be able to brace for acceptance. Life isn’t perfect, by any means. Every aspect of our lives may  never reach perfection, or even near it. We must learn to be OK with that. We we’re meant to know everything, learn everything, or have everything in life. We sure can try, if that is our will. But the point of life is simply to enjoy it – without expecting more. As is, life is already perfect – we just have to embrace and accept the flaws as they come.

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