9 Brutal Reasons Why He Hasn’t Proposed [The Honest Truth]

Marriage is the deepest expression of commitment, sacrifice and Love that one can make – that’s why marriage is a life aspiration to many. Many also see marriage as simply being a piece of paper, or a document that binds together the lives of two people. So is money, yet every single person on this planet works their butt off in order to obtain that.

Sure, while you don’t need a marriage to survive, working to make a living only binds you to the Man – cough, I meannn “workforce” system.  But we’re talking about marriage here, which is about a sacred commitment – since marriage is a promise of unconditional Love for another human being.

I think we try to avoid and ignore the fact that there are many reasons why someone is hesitant to take the plunge – other than not believing in marriage. And if that’s the only case, why continue the relationship thinking you can change them? Otherwise, if you believe you are in a stable and healthy relationship at this point, you might be wondering why he still has yet to get down on one knee.

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9 brutal reasons why he has not proposed

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He says he doesn’t believe in the whole “marriage thing“

Maybe his parent’s divorced has some level of influence (on his ideas and optimism on marriage). Or he’s already been married once before, and is struggling as to whether or not a second go-around is ideal. If it isn’t merely a reluctance factor, then this could be a personal choice. If you aren’t sure if he believes in marriage, then here’s the question to ask yourself: have you actually discussed this major milestone – in full?

Whether you’ve been together 2 weeks or 2 years, this question should almost be as normal as “Do you like food?” in the dating world. Seriously, ladies – if your lifelong dream is to one day be married to your prince charming – shouldn’t you know right off the bat if he shares the same dream as you, too?

If he has already told you he doesn’t believe in marriage (whatever the case) and doesn’t want to get married, then here is where you might have encountered issues. You pushed that problem to the back of your mind, thinking: I’ll deal with this down the road and see what happens. You thought you could change his mind over time or you are now years deep into your relationship when you suddenly realize you are now ready for a lifelong commitment (when before you weren’t sure yourself at the time).

The point is if YOU believe in it – knowing he doesn’t – don’t go through a relationship thinking you can change him into a believer.

He has to want it himself without the pressure of anyone else.

He’s getting his life in order

This isn’t a bad thing necessarily. It isn’t unrealistic to want someone established, who – at best – knows what they want in life. Otherwise, someone who knows how to take care of themselves, has financial stability, and a stable roof over their head.

If your partner is in the middle of finding a job, trying to complete school, or is in the process of reaching their immediate career goals, this could be a legitimate reason why he has yet to put a ring on it. The last thing you want to do is become the contributor to his falling back on personal achievements.

Marriage may be a priority (in his future), but he wants his assets in place first. If this is worrisome for you, tenderly ask him for reassurance – that this milestone is important to you and that you simply want to know it is something on his list of life aspirations, too.

If money is already and currently an issue, it is also likely marriage could be the last thing on his mind (a wedding doesn’t come cheap these days). So unless you’ve pinpointed that you couldn’t care less to wear a potato sack and marry at the courthouse, dollar signs of a big, extravagant wedding are likely replaying in his thoughts. The thought of wedding planning could be an added pressure financially. Most men want to feel confident in that aspect, or they have completely different views on spending gobs of hard-earned money to create a “show”). More importantly he wants to be secure financially before taking on a wedding as well as a wife. [No offense]

Now, granted, if he’s been giving you this shpeal for years and years on end, one after another, that’s a different story. If “marriage goals” continually seem to be placed on the back burner, it might be time to question his motives or other reasons. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

[Related Read: “He Won’t Listen To Me!” – 10 Tactics To Being Heard In Your Relationship]

He’s afraid of letting go

Letting go (or committing to that degree) is a common worry for anyone, not just men singly. Many are perfectly happy knowing they spend the rest of their lives with that one person because they feel there’s more to gain than lose. While others may feel they will be giving up their dreams, independence, or options – as well as worrying over the risk of a failing marriage and leading to divorce.

In another post, I’ve had several men comment on a related post that talks about The Likely Reason Why He Refuses To Get Married, saying “There’s nothing in it (marriage) for men anymore – we lose everything, period.” The thing is, people have different views and beliefs on marriage, and what it represents. Many have been burned by marriage, obviously, and many also do not share traditional/biblical aspects of what marriage represents.

Point blank: he may not be able to fully…I’m about to say it…the word we all love to hate….submit to the commitment of marriage. Monogamy alone – marital monogamy – may be enough to make him run with his tail between his legs.

And if you are antagonizing or shaming your partner into marrying you, you’ll likely find yourself beating a dead horse. Ultimately you can not make him want to marry you unless he is willing on his own. It’s up to you whether you can handle accepting those feelings, and waiting until he is ready.

It could just be too soon

To you, three months together might feel like three years, but it may not be the same for your partner. If you’ve slept together, moved in, met the parents, traveled, and made big purchases as one all within six months – sure, it might feel like:

“We’re so in love – we just can’t wait to live our lives together!”

Now you’re just waiting on the ring…impatiently. It could be that you’re also taking every [minor or major] milestone as a couple out of context. You have to remember – he may be able to live these milestones more freely – you know, without the thoughts or daydreams about a forever. It’s not that meeting the parents or moving in together isn’t important to him, but he may not see it as that stepping stone to a bigger commitment.

But it is fairly normal to have certain [hidden/unspoken] “expectations” behind each important milestone. For me, I refused to move in with [then] boyfriend without a mutual “understanding”, so to speak. I wasn’t moving in to “play house“, or act like a “wife” when I wasn’t.

And if this sounds like your predicament, here’s the tea, and I’m just saying: [maybe] stop spending the night at each other’s place every night, don’t move when he transfers jobs (jumping when he says “jump”) and avoid becoming his [live-in] Mother (because he’s got one of those already)… if making that grand milestone and commitment isn’t [clearly] in his cards, or “indefinitely”.

So, bestie, if your partner seems to be holding out on, say, living together, you might want to consider that stinging piece of advice as a silver lining. He could also be trying to avoid engaging in behaviors (within the relationship) that do not match his feelings. For instance, if he isn’t willingly gung-ho about you moving in but enjoys you staying over now and then, he simply may not be at the same place [feelings wise] as you are.

This doesn’t necessarily equate to the worst-case scenario, he could just be trying to maintain respect for you and the relationship. It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming that if our partner refuses to amp up the commitment when we’re ready that they never will. Timing is everything for each individual. If you’ve been together for years, have talked the talk yet can’t seem to walk the walk – you could be dealing with someone who just isn’t willing to consider your expectations.

You’re obsessing over it

I get it. There comes a time when you know you’re undeniably ready – you feel like everyone around you is saying yes to the dress and I do, except you. It begins to feel daunting that you haven’t crossed that bridge yet like as if you’re falling behind, your clock is ticking, and you no longer fit in with your [now] married crew.

A natural reaction is to start making your readiness more blatantly obvious. Maybe the signs are no longer subtle. While that may all be out of genuine innocence and desire, it can become [negatively] excessive in your partner’s eyes.

Relationships can back-track and be derailed because of this.

You go from patient to corrosive within the blink of an eye. And it can be emotionally taxing on your partner – even if he intends on marrying you. If your attitude has turned sour, it could be leaving him with more questions than certainty. With that, the natural response from your partner might be to take a step back for his own sake – if not rethinking the [current] meaning and foundation of the relationship.

Just something to be more aware of.

He’s worried he won’t be able to measure up

The carrot size, the big wedding, the lavish lifestyle, the big dream house with a white picket fence, six kids, two dogs, three cats – all of it. Some of you are laughing in your heads right now, or your chin dropped to the floor. One reader told me I “lost” them at this point.

Honestly, I rest my case, because:

Reality check: marriage isn’t about how much your SO is willing to spend or how much debt he’s willing to carry to have you. Your SO’s love isn’t measured by the carrot size, or how deep his pockets. Most guys shy away from explaining to you the difference between your worth, and what he can afford.

Why? Because they’re hoping you already understand and respect that.

That beautiful ring you keep eyeing and talking about – the one that costs more than he can afford – could be making him question his own worth to you. It has nothing to do with him not wanting to give you the world – he also may not be comfortable emptying his bank account or retirement savings to do it.

I’d say that’s fair. Just something to think about if you’re not on the same page financially or materialistically.

He’s worried marriage will change you

Marriage is for better and for worse, yes. And there will be times of our best and our worst. If your relationship is currently, or has been on the rocks lately, this could be what is laying unresolved in his mind. Or maybe not unresolved but, nonetheless, he’s afraid. This is a legitimate concern. As much as change and conflict are completely normal and healthy in relationships, there are always negative extremes that pose a threat.

And I know what you’re thinking right now, “So, I can’t have a bad day, an off week, or a horrible month without my partner feeling like I will change for the worst after marriage?” 

Hear me out.

Your partner wants to marry the person for the reasons he fell in love with, right? Marriage isn’t just about growing old together – it’s also about growing together. Who you are now won’t be the same in 10, 15, 20 years. Because as we face milestones, hardship, major life decisions, grief, heartache, struggle, failure, and success – we all go through subtle changes to some degree. It doesn’t necessarily mean for the worst.

But if the desperate desire for that proposal or dream wedding negatively takes over the woman he fell in love with, he may be worried you aren’t simply seeing the bigger picture in the relationship. Take a step back, and be more reassuring of this fear in him – it’s more common than you think.

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You act like an old married couple already

Everyone is likely guilty of this. I mean, what better way to know what married life is like without that piece of paper. Might as well see if the shoe fits, right? I commend those who remain celibate or apart from living together until marriage (hoping those that do are still together today). If I could go back in time, I definitely would have deeply considered choosing that route.

In this situation, he might be getting carried away by already established habits and is thinking:

…We already act married, so why make it official? It’s just paper turning our relationship into a dispute over money.

…We’ve been together so long, so I just figured there was no reason. 

…I don’t want to ruin what we have by getting married. Marriage leads to divorce more often today, anyhow – why ruin a good thing we have?

…If we love each other, why do we need marriage to confirm that? We’re both happy where we’re at – why shake things?

If you don’t get me, it’s like this:

Boyfriends should not be awarded ‘husband’ privileges. They are earned through the commitment of marriage.

You’re a “wifey”, not “wife”-material

And I say this gently because I genuinely believe every woman is innately wife material. It’s more that, in a literal sense, to him you are not. To him, you are a wifey. UGH, and I hate that term, so much – along with “hubby” in the world of singledom.

I understand using it to be funny (girls even call each other that nowadays, but now it’s probably “bestie” or “sis”), but it seems it has been turned into this way for men to string along girlfriends they never intend to marry. To me it’s like emotional entrapment, and it has suddenly become a relationship status. Women have literally fallen victim to this term – they think it’s that they are considered “wife material” when that is far from what it represents.

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If you’re married, and you use this title: go ahead, right on, if that’s what works for you.

But I’m talking about singlehood. In the dawn of days through your twenties, within your flings or “casual” relationships. I feel that the use of the term has more or less become a way of enabling and quietly “hushing” disrespect.

“Wifey” is used against women to make them feel like “wife material”, without the intent of actually making that commitment. It’s like saying I Love You, but not actually meaning it, yet it’s spoken in order to reap the benefits of it. Being a “wifey” is the idea that women will honor and give their partner everything that a wife does, but without any [followed] expectations of commitment. Basically, as said above, you are treating him to husband privileges – for free – while more than likely being taken advantage of on the front. 

So, please, know the difference between what it means if he calls you “wifey” – it deteriorates the real value of being a wife and him making you an honest woman.