Holiday boundaries when your spouse won’t compromise

The Holidays can easily be one big stress ball for many, even couples. This is especially if you are dealing with a spouse who won’t respect your needs, compromise, or share the Holidays. And, hey, if you are that spouse, listen up – you need to read this post more than anyone. More importantly, we need to stop painting this picture that the Holidays represent buried internal “suffering” for just one day – where we’re expected to abandon our needs (and sanity) in the name of family.

This isn’t new by any means, but it has certainly become more prominent over generations. From financial trouble, bouncing from one relative’s house to another, and [toxic] family dysfunction to unrealistic expectations, one-sided compliance, internalized guilt or shame, and neglecting your needs for the sake of avoiding confrontation, judgment, or disappointment from your spouse and family.

Oof, that’s a mouthful. And when you’re married, times that by two. Double ouch.

Hopefully when you were dating, the Holidays, passed-down family traditions, and future [Holiday] expectations were a topic you heavily discussed or navigated as a couple prior to marriage. If so, you have likely laid out your differences, met in the middle, and/or kept on the same respectful page while continuing to keep the line of communication open through each passing Season.

If not, this can feel like backtracking in thick, wet mud every.single.year.

While the obvious answer is probably always *easy* – do whatever is necessary to keep the peace (because, you know, it’s the Holidays) – the Holidays do not mean you are expected to over-give or over-extend yourself year after year. So if you want to avoid completely dreading the Holiday season, your marriage needs boundaries.

---

holiday boundaries when your spouse won’t compromise

---

preferably, be *somewhere* on the same page

Again, hopefully, you and your spouse have discussed what the Holidays mean to you as individuals, what family traditions you cherish, and what your ideal way(s) to spend the Holidays looks like. And if you’ve sided with your partner year after year (because that’s just *easier* than making a big stink), or have taken the high road (“I do what I want with or without you”), that isn’t necessarily conjoining your lives respectively.

Either way, things change over time. The way I enjoyed spending the Holidays in my 20s is surely different than my 30s – this is as normal as it is EXPECTED. People evolve and adapt; my husband and I know we need to embrace this *together*. Therefore, you need to express your needs to your spouse and establish boundaries with your family and in-laws. Like yesterday. Pronto.

If you spend year after year complying with your spouse when it comes to whose family you see which Holidays (and those you don’t), as well as the ins and outs of stresses in between, eventually that compliance will turn into resentment. Or if your spouse refuses to [consider] see eye-to-eye with your wants and your needs, this can create even further stress during what is supposed to be a gleeful time of year.

And, well – let’s be real – there’s absolutely no enjoyment in it if you’re constantly sacrificing and tolerating “in order to keep the peace” on your end. At that point, is it really even peace anymore, or is it punishment? So regardless if your spouse hardly celebrates Christmas or you prefer to spend every waking moment with extended family, when you discuss these matters with your partner… they are never to be written in permanent marker, or set in stone. This goes for the spouse who says,

“You know my family throws that Christmas party EVERY year. No exceptions – [I have to be at/I’m going to] that party.”

Not only does this imply that you refuse to implement or consider your spouse’s feelings and wants, but you lack the emotional maturity to abide by your commitment in marriage and the separation from your parents. Holidays are no exception. When you’re married, your Holiday expectations and traditions are to be rewritten – in pencil – with regard and respect for your partner. So that, yes, you can go back with that eraser and change, evolve and align your Holiday expectations and traditions together. My husband and I now come together every year and do this, because one year I may not feel like going anywhere (leaving the house) while he is chomping at the bit to see everyone he possibly can (when most of his family is a plane ride away in New York).

Ultimately the goal is for both partners to be happy, and to remain on the same page respectively.

if not, compromise (which isn’t always 50/50)

Life is not linear. Neither is marriage.

So whether your ideal family Holiday tradition is to stay home Christmas morning (yup, and spend only that time with your spouse and kids) or travel the great distance for that 10-day Christmas “retreat” at your family’s cabin – every tradition is significant.

And ALL traditions, big or small, should be made a priority without dismissing your partner’s needs and wishes year after year – including your own.

When you’re married, this means vowing to make a life of happiness together. Not just for yourself, and definitely not for your family (parents, extended family), because in marriage you now have the feelings and interest of someone else to consider – that’s what I (and you) signed up for, anyway. This also means you or your partner don’t [automatically] make the arrangements, agree to invitations (or demands – “ahem”), or freely *call the shots* without discussing them first and foremost. There also shouldn’t be any automatic dibs, either. Meaning, no one family is prioritized over the over – regardless of distance or special circumstances.

Unfortunately, compromise won’t always mean splitting something 50/50.

Marriage [Life] doesn’t work like that, in general (you think it does, but in reality, there’s rarely a perfect balance). With that in mind, focusing too much on a 50/50 solution usually results in someone sacrificing and complying a bit more, or receiving the short end of the stick just to get there.

That is why an open line of communication and understanding is SO. SO. SO important.

Compromise may involve splitting up, sacrificing, or alternating Holidays. You spend one year with his family for Thanksgiving and yours for Christmas, then swap the next. You attend lunch at your parent’s and dinner at his for Thanksgiving. OR, you go nowhere, and you spend the Holidays together alone (just the two of you, with the kids, as your *own* family), because that’s what your partner wants. This isn’t a heinous crime or death sentence. We’ve got to let go and push back on the use of “family betrayal/loyalty” as the excuse around the Holidays!

Compromise is something you work through, by listening to one another’s needs, evaluating all options, and coming to an optimal solution that satisfies you both. Even when your desires are vastly different. But compromise isn’t always linear, either, so you have to be fully aware of this in the process. It’s far more important to prioritize that each other’s needs are being met and not consistently one-sided, dismissed, or short-handed.

your spouse comes first, not family

I could literally end that right there. But you and I know that’s not enough. With evasive, judge-y family members or a crazy, overbearing mother-in-law… for many, family easily gets under the skin in the wrong ways. For instance, there is the husband who sides with his mother’s demands year after year, begging that you spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her because she lives furthest away and can’t travel. And God forbid he disappoints his only mother, while effortlessly able to disappoint you. Make that make sense.

Look, family enmeshment is a big deal, and has a lasting, negative impact on marriage. This can be insanely difficult to break because it requires one to recognize a problem they can’t *see*, when maybe their spouse can.

Enmeshment, in simplest terms, is when someone [you/your spouse] places family (parents, siblings, extended family) over their spouse and sees no wrong. This can very easily be mistaken as having that close bond or relationship, but there’s a lot more going on if you or your spouse heavily rely on the support (nurturing, financial), influence (opinions, intrusion), or approval (acceptance, happiness) of parents or siblings. Everyone and their mother has heard or knows someone whose parents are either *too involved* or someone who overly *caters* to their family. Ah, I can smell the entrapment from here.

So while your husband “doesn’t see what the big deal is”, and insinuates you are being disrespectful or unreasonable toward *his* [extended] family traditions, the *entity* between you and your husband as well as your individual needs become second tier. Hence for the God-awful phrase, “When you marry your spouse, you also marry into their family.” I hate that because it’s not true. When you marry, you are separated from your parents and become a new, singular family together (you and your spouse), which is now to be honored first and foremost.

Your family does not come before your spouse. Your inherited/passed-down family traditions from your childhood do not supersede your spouse. And that needs to be said louder for those in the back.

The Holidays or family traditions you have with your extended family – it’s not that those no longer matter, or can’t be passed down, but you are now to consider those of your spouse, as well as see the value in creating your own as a couple. Unfortunately, immediate and extended families or certain family members may not be as supportive of this new adaptation and transition. This can make it difficult for married couples when finding that balance between two, three, or more family household expectations around the Holidays.

And it’s usually one partner that tends to suffer the most. If the happiness and satisfaction of family approval are placed over your spouse, you are essentially depreciating them and marriage altogether.

family gatherings + traditions should not feel like an obligation

I have a rather large extended family (outside of being an only child). When I was younger, my parents and I would make the 2-hour drive to where most of that family lived for the Holidays. This went on for years, and I could tell this put a lot of unnecessary stress on my parents every year. In turn, I almost felt I had to be extra grateful for something I had no part or say in.

Eventually, as I got older, my parents stopped making the trek and this, of course, caused rifts, gossip and contempt between family members. Alas, this was the first step to an almost inevitable decline in many of my family-relationships, unfortunately. Funny how that happens.

Nonetheless, creating that separation, from obligation, in order to make new traditions (as a new family unit) is what I am used to for the last 20+ years. And THIS is my idea of a holiday tradition to start with my new family. And this is when I discovered the encompassing feeling of obligation the Holidays can carry. That when something’s expected (of you) it’s no longer enjoyable.

Having a spouse who won’t compromise, because of holiday “obligation”, can be tricky, so the key is to start small – creating small boundaries that help facilitate some distance from the unrealistic expectations family can often impose. For instance, you agree to attend the Christmas Day gathering, but you dictate your arrival and departure time so that it revolves around some Christmas morning normalcy for your kids.

This is me telling you that your needs are still important, even around the Holidays. You can say “No” without the underlying guilt or pressure. Even if your mother-in-law raises hell about you not spending Christmas day with her, or your parents suggest that you host when you’re absolutely against it. Because if you live with more guilt or obligation, and continue to dismiss your feelings in order to avoid disappointment or conflict, you are essentially violating your own personal boundaries.

And that’s not the way the Holidays were intended – period.

[Related Read: Boundaries to protect your marriage from an affair]

don’t exceed the budget over guilt

Everyone has experienced it – feeling the need to get a gift for that second cousin or distant aunt and uncle you haven’t seen or spoken to in 10 years because they’re randomly going to be at the next family gathering. And that’s a fairly light example.

Nonetheless, the Holidays always bring about financial distress. And because financial struggle is one of the leading causes of marital problems, the Holidays is not the time of year to justify or succumb to shame and guilt with spending.

As a couple, you need to establish a budget (including money spent on gifts for one another, the kids, food, decorations, festivities, travel, etc.). It is never worth beginning a new year in debt just to meet the material or gift quota with family. Yet having a spouse who can’t or refuses to see eye to eye on this matter is never stress-free, but stress-inducing. It’s important to be transparent about expenses and spending, but also to make clear that over-spending for the sake of gift-giving may not come without sacrifice, such as next year’s family summer vacation or special anniversary getaway.

And, BTW, you should never feel guilty into gifting to people you’ve never met nor are even part of your family. The whole secret Santa thing is so common these days, especially among families who are dispersed, that I can imagine the awkwardness when your spouse’s cousin’s wife – who you’ve never even met – is the person you got from the list.

My husband’s family does this year after year (even though it’s absolutely rigged), and at 34, I’d be lying if I said I was all about it. It’s just gotten to a point where I feel like we’re all too old for this, and maybe it’s just me but it seems….forced.

Or even if you’re attending that white elephant gathering. You should NEVER exceed your set budget to avoid showing up empty handed. If the Holidays are really about togetherness, family, cheer, love – none of which involves material items – then your presence alone is a gift.

if worse comes to absolute worst, spend the holidays separate

If you have a difficult spouse who refuses to share the Holidays, communication may only be a small margin of the problem. In fact, it may not be irreversible through communication alone. This sucks, for sure, but the Holidays are consumed with individuals whose heels are dug in so deep. That until the veil is lifted from their eyes they will not come to terms with what truly matters.

Otherwise, for as long as you’re communicating your needs, honoring them, and discussing the holiday plans well in advance with your spouse – any major issues should resolve themselves within a year or two. Again, SHOULD.

But I do know that many couples say they have spent upwards of 10 years complying with their spouse’s demands or refusal to compromise over the holidays. Minimizing your needs and wishes year after year, to avoid conflict, is absolutely absurd. When it has become easier to disappoint your spouse over extended family is when there are bigger problems to surface. And the obvious lack of connection is to blame. When you’re connected as a couple, you’re not self-focused.

Before my husband and I got married, our first year together as a couple we spent the majority of the holidays separate. Instead, we focused on implementing our own small traditions together around the actual Holidays. As a new couple we respectfully didn’t want to intrude on one another’s family traditions, or expect to be accommodated in that sense. But during that time we also discussed how we would share and merge our traditions fairly in the future.

Luckily we shared many similarities in our holiday upbringing and traditions. This did make it a lot easier when conjoining our traditions as a married couple, as well as a similar desire in creating our own. My husband and I learned most that the best part of the Holidays since we met is spending it together, with having spent many actual Holidays apart (even as a married couple). With my job and his job, some years in a row were spent working (so I would celebrate many Holidays with my extended family alone).

So if it is difficult to get on the same page, or to compromise with your spouse on how to spend the Holidays, consider spending them separate. This may put your marriage into perspective – of how it feels to get what you want, yet not at all at the same time.

While separating for the holidays can seem non-negotiable (for those that have kids, especially), the point is really about the message behind it without actually needing to get to that point. This is a solution that is meant to make you (and your spouse) feel uncomfortable – it’s to force you to step out of your comfort zone, rather than settling with your unmet needs or complying year after year for the sake of keeping the peace around the holidays.

Setting boundaries with a spouse who can’t seem to value your side when it comes to the holidays is about taking a stand on what you will and will not tolerate. Because what you allow is what will continue. It’s about going in a direction that can help you and your spouse realize what and who truly matters.

[mailerlite_form form_id=23]

---