I’m sure we’re all guilty of nasty dating habits, but there are those who find these desperate behaviors hard to shake. What most don’t realize is that these behaviors are what likely break your chances of a meaningful relationship.
Coming from someone who is guilty of more than one of these fairly common dating habits, they are widely defined as relationship insecurity, self-sabotage and, well, neediness. It’s important that we stop letting these negative dating habits take over our love lives and chances of having a healthy relationship.
Destructive Dating Habits You Need To Eliminate From Your Life
Rushing into milestones (or forcing them)
We all should know what milestones are – these can be as minute as sleeping over one another’s place and meeting the parents to going on vacations and moving in together. And there’s a right time in each of your lives for these milestones.
If both your morals revolve around family values, and the meeting of one another’s parents is exclusively mutual early on – by all means. Otherwise, there’s no reason to push larger steps on one another immediately following the first date, or forcing these steps to happen with someone who barely makes an effort toward something long-term.
Even if you’re not anticipating these milestones – rushing also includes bringing them up in conversation. I understand it is likely normal to engage in and around topics about each of your 5 year plans, but letting him in on when you’d like to be married or giving birth to your first child very early on is unnecessary. This can also lead him to feeling pressured in the relationship.
Go with the flow, and these milestones should have natural progression.
Referencing your sexual past
Granted, it might be quite common to have discussions about sexual experience or motives (say, if you’re only looking for a casual, sexual-based thing). That is all depending on the type of relationship being formed, and the people in it.
I, for one, was very much turned off if a guy brought sex or his sexual past into conversation early on, let alone on a first date. Maybe it’s not exactly the same for men (with an extreme capacity of separating logic from emotions) – when given the opportunity, they’re likely willing to engage. But in terms of someone looking for a relationship, they’re not really going to be vamped up to hear about what you can do in the bedroom, whom you’ve done it with or even worse… making comparisons.
Keeping tabs (and making it obvious)
I know I’ve said this in previous posts before – 3 strikes and you’re out. I’m all for it. I talk more about that in my post on Why Women With Self Worth Have More Successful Relationships. What I don’t mean is if he is on Strike #2 for not calling you when he said he would and filling him in that he’s got one strike left.
Don’t openly let him in on any tabs, numbers, counts or strikes you keep.
Keep that to yourself!
Constantly needing validation or reassurance
How many times will it take for you to grasp that you are beautiful – inside and out? That you are also worthy, and he is just smitten to be with you? The thing is… if you don’t believe it yourself, no one else can ever convince you otherwise.
I understand the sweet talk, and the need for affirmation to feel loved, but there is a huge difference between that and asking for it out of insecurity.
There’s no need to beat yourself up if you ask occasionally, “Do I look good in this dress?”, but constantly doubting your physical appearance in his eyes or where he is emotionally in the relationship is where things can cross that line. If he’s really into you he will already make you feel validated.
And, well, if he does the opposite… you should be dumping his a**.
Being possessive of his time or schedule
I see you. I see you out there – texting him merely all morning and into the afternoon (when you know he’s working), just to turn around and ask him not even 30 minutes later, “What are you up to now?” or worse, “Do you miss me?“
I’m talking to the person who asks him what he is doing the rest of his week, what his day-to-day work schedule is, or tying up loose ends on his days off in order for you to see him, all the while you may even be together at that very moment.
Talk it up all you want – “I’m taking initiative”, or “I’m genuinely curious – I’m not asking him to give up anything” – you know exactly what you are doing. And in fact – you are asking without actually asking. This comes off as guilt-tripping him into letting you in on his personal life to the point he may begin to feel he isn’t allowed to make his own decisions, let alone discouraged from making plans that don’t involve you in it.
Can you say controlling? To no surprise, he would likely feel smothered, and inevitably pull away and distance himself from you in due time.
There’s a better way of going about it if you’re looking to squeeze yourself into his schedule.
Don’t stick your nose where you don’t want to smell it – is all I am saying – because it will turn around and snip back at you. Focus on your own schedule and your own life. If he is worthy of your time, and you worthy of his, he will make sure you make a permanent cut in it.
Way too open or willingly available for his time
Same goes the other way around.
Mind you, there is nothing wrong with a little measly conversation regarding each other’s endeavors for the upcoming weekend. It takes a turn the moment your ego grabs a tight hold, and insecurity starts peeking through.
For instance, if you already had that boy-band concert planned with the girls on Saturday night, and he happens to ask you to dinner that same evening. Don’t cancel with the girls to appease him last minute.
Don’t spill that your upcoming week, or entire next month, is currently wide open like the sea (even if your plan is to lounge around in your pajamas after work every single night). This says you are willing to skip out on vegging with your cat over The Bachelor every Monday night… when sometimes you need to stay committed to that me time.
Trust me, he will see your external (even if they’re cheesy) priorities in life as an attractive quality.
Someone with true intentions of a relationship will respect your commitment to yourself, your friends, family or even your pet.
I remember turning down dates because I already planned to take my dog to the dog park. And, no, I didn’t invite him along each time, either.
Consistently needing to be in contact
Now, I only learned this the hard way throughout my relationships in high school and early college. Doing this left my life in a chaotic mess. Yet it took me years, and many failing relationships, to finally learn my lesson.
Not only did this terrible habit ruin some of my family and friend relationships, it caused me to hate and nearly lose my job more than once, and I was in this constant state of co-dependency. Which, for the record, is never a good thing.
I couldn’t survive a couple hours without knowing what he was doing, where he was going or who he was with. And this was before matters of distrust and sour arguments settled in – believe it or not. We created such a destructible habit onto ourselves, it was like digging a hole we couldn’t get out of.
And when we fought – we fought for days, or weeks. And rather than those arguments being resolved, we compiled them with more and more that came with being in constant contact. And arguments that turned from important matters into reasons why it took 10 minutes to respond or call back.
We grew so dependent on each other emotionally (when we didn’t even live together) to a point where if one of us fell silent – we automatically assumed something was wrong with the relationship.
So, take that story into consideration the next time you notice you’re call or text log is to capacity or full. And even though I refused to believe it then – absence does make the heart grow fonder. And I believe that even more now that I am happily married. Having and keeping that time apart within your relationship is not time wasted, it’s a necessity. Even if it’s the duration of a work day.
Asking too many unnecessary (and creepy) questions
This goes hand in hand with being in consistent contact or being overly possessive. While maybe you do neither, sometimes unnecessary questions or statements can do just as much harm.
Say he’s out with the guys – you know this because it was why he couldn’t see you this night. Yet you are still somehow provoked into thinking he’s completely forgotten about your existence, and you decide to text him, “Heyyyy, miss you. Do you miss me?“
Or he’s at work, yet you’re compelled to believing that he isn’t just working – “What else are you up to?“
Okay – again, all in moderation, ladies. I get it – he’s out with the guys, and you miss him. You miss spending this time together. But there’s a better way to go about it, like, “I hope you’re having fun with the guys. Just letting you know I’m thinking about you, and can’t wait to see you again!” And remember what I explained above about time apart and giving each other that respected space!
[Related Read: S P A C E In Your Relationships – WHY It Is SO Important]
dishing and digging out how your past relationships ended
Every relationship has this talk, to some extent, if at all in some cases. And that’s fine, either way.
But the likelihood that he willingly wants to delve into ‘how your last boyfriend stole money from you to buy condoms in order to have sex with your female co-worker he was crushing on since the Christmas party you attended together‘ – not a chance in hell.
Sprinkle in the constant bringing up of this topic (when he clearly isn’t interested), and that’s like adding salt to the wound.
Let the topic of “EX’s” be something that treads naturally, and equal in knowing or questioning. Because when has a woman ever been googly-eyed over a guy who just whipped out an EX scenario from intimate conversation?
Saying things that you think will have him wrapped around your finger
I don’t want to say now that I am married I’m entitled to using and abusing every line in the book, but I think the difference is that my husband and I have always said pretty weird, raunchy, childish catch-phrases to each other. And we somehow tolerate it together.
But when you’re new in the game of dating, there’s no rhyme or reason to be joshing with the, “Don’t ever leave me…”, “I’ve finally found you…”, “You’re everything I ever need…”, “I’d do anything for you…”, “Ugh, can we just run away and get married now?”, “How did I get so lucky?” and so on.
I know we mean for it all to sound cute, and honestly meaningful to how we feel – like in the fairy-tales – but, again, moderation. Save that for exclusivity or when the I Love You’s are exchanged, at least.
Think of it in two ways: you’ll either be prematurely labeled as clingy in his eyes, or they’re going to go with it knowing they can easily manipulate how you feel. Neither of those ways benefit you at all.
Engaging in sex…way…too…soon
Put down the pitchforks.
As a woman who is very much pro female sexual satisfaction, I say this as gently as possible. As much as casual sex is seemingly “liberating” and fulfilling today, sex for women is still vastly different than for men. It’s like connecting your phone’s Bluetooth with someone else’s – you’re synching energies. And for women, it’s chemical, and far more emotional-based. If you’re exchanging energies that are not healthy…. well, down the road, it will stealthily take its toll.
Therefore engaging in any intimacy too soon has just never worked for me, and for many. Defining “too soon” – well, that’s really up to each individual, honestly.
It may not mean that he simply dogs you after the first sexual encounter, but a few weeks or a month in you may begin to notice the subtle change in pace as he grows different, distant and detached. That means even his effort or interest in you might simply go from night and day. And the reasons why would be a whole other blog post.
So, if it’s your thing to engage intimately early on – watch out for those 3 D’s.
You encounter feelings of doubt, worry or nervousness without reason
Maybe was the moment you began to wonder whether those female friends of his are a threat, that time he answered on four rings instead of three, made you nervous on where you stand in his life when he said his mom is the number one, or had to rain check your date due to his “excuse” that he was called into work. There are certain things that will make you doubt, and then there are going to be things you think you have to worry.
The real things versus the impostors have a clear difference: one definitely won’t be reassuring you of his devotion and effort in you. The important thing is not letting the impostors take over your feelings since most of it is your fear of mistrust or the possibility of losing the relationship.