Did you know there are necessary boundaries to protect your marriage from an affair? I know, I know, some of ya’ll be like, “BuT wHy Do I nEeD tO pRoTeCt My MaRrIaGe FrOm SoMeThInG i WoUlD nEvEr Do? My PaRtNeR sHoUlD jUsT tRuSt Me!“
Okay, then:
Why do you need an alarm system? You should just trust people won’t break into your home and steal anything.
Why do you need to lock your front door? You should just trust that others won’t blatantly walk right into your home uninvited.
Why do you need a passcode on your phone? You should just trust that whatever is on your phone isn’t sensitive enough to ruin you (or your marriage), to trust whatever is on your partner’s phone (since they also have a passcode), and to also trust whoever might gets their hands on it – that they won’t do anything intrusive or malicious.
Why do you need antivirus on your computer? You should just trust that the internet is a totally safe space with billions of people in complete control of themselves online.
Why do you need health insurance? You should just trust your body will never fail you, trust that you’ll never get hurt or that nothing [you do] can put your life (and health) at risk.
“BuT tHoSe ArE bAd CoMpArIsOnS.” Are they, though? They’re not when you deem yourself to be 110% in control (of not doing any harm or wrong). Unfortunately, nobody’s invincible, not even from themselves.
Granted, those consequences happening aren’t a guarantee, either, yet we take measures, anyway! It’s just what we do because it makes SENSE. So when we’re talking boundaries with cheating, it really has to do with boundaries around your behavior and your integrity. Just because YOU are the one in control of whether or not you cheat…doesn’t mean you should throw up your hands and say, “I don’t need to do anything because I wouldn’t do it to begin with!” That sounds pretty foolish to me. Taking extra precautionary measures is not insignificant or irrelevant, especially in marriage.
The same way you need personal boundaries in your life (for your well-being), you need them for the well-being of your marriage. Without them, we are like cattle roaming free reign of the land. [This is totally tongue in cheek, by the way]
Oh boy. Did I just compare us to wild animals and marriage to a controlled area of farmland? [face palm] OK maybeee it’s more like homeowners insurance. You don’t wait for disaster to strike in order to protect your home, do you? Of course not. Though there are those who feel it isn’t necessary, or that the cause for concern doesn’t apply to them. Yes, people are entitled to making their own rules in this thing called life, and even in a relationship. But call me crazy – I’d like to think when you choose to conjoin your life with someone….maybe they matter to you, too?
Most don’t realize specific boundaries are meant to protect the integrity of your marriage, but instead many just want to see it as a way of control [being controlled]. It’s like having an alarm clock to wake you up for work. It is what it is, that alarm clock keeps you from losing your job. I dare you to try without it – you’ll see what I mean over time. Again, I bet you can’t trust yourself to wake up in time, huh? But I’m not talking about work and alarm clocks, I’m talking about boundaries in marriage. Though they really do serve the same purpose, come to think of it.
More importantly, boundaries are not to be placed on your partner. This is why we confuse boundaries as a way of control. They are meant to be set for yourself and understood in respect of your partner. You know you shouldn’t need a lock on your front door, yet you have one not only for that peace of mind and sense of security but because you know not having one puts you at higher risk. Even if there’s a .00001% chance. Yet people are burglarized by the thousands every. single. day.
People can hardly manage to lock their car doors these days, yet complain when it gets broken into. The thing is, it doesn’t happen to you until it happens to you. Many think they’re invincible, yet everyone else is to blame. I know, it’s not really the same thing because you’re not totally in control of whether someone robs your home…or you. You’re also not totally in control of whether or not your spouse cheats, sooo.
It is what it is, fidelity has everything to do with morals, values, integrity, and self-control (AKA personal boundaries). And we all think we have it, yet people still cheat…then call it a “mistake”, or use the table-turning blame game to justify their behavior. So boundaries in marriage – pertaining to fidelity – are not based on feelings, but rather principle.
So, really, it doesn’t matter how you feel when I say that lusting over other women is wrong (it’s considered cheating, lo and behold) – by principle it is still wrong, and you know it.
Boundaries don’t necessarily have to do with [your partner’s] lack of trust, but simply making the right choices, being aware of their [potential] impact, and having your spouse’s best interest at heart [above yours and others’]. And, no, this isn’t sacrificing your “freedoms”. I’m sorry, but if you sincerely believe you can do whatever you want, regardless if it hurts your partner, don’t get married – for the Love of God.
Besides, you and your spouse may not always agree upon what classifies as cheating, because in this worldly system infidelity isn’t all black and white. Some say flirting isn’t cheating, but I’d argue that flirting is lustful intent – it’s cheating. And with that, if cheating isn’t black and white, well, then we’ve ALL likely been unfaithful to our spouse – though we’d never admit it – one way or another. With that in mind, this means there are obviously behaviors leading up to infidelity that should be considered.
There’s one realization about infidelity many choose to ignore
An affair doesn’t start with sex. It also doesn’t start with flirting, kissing, or touching. It doesn’t even have to be sexual in nature at all. So do you really understand the grounds for an affair? Because I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again – whose comfort, peace, happiness, and safety you choose to prioritize in the equation is key.
It begins with intention. A vague, gray area that can pose just as much of a risk because this is the moment you are being tested between right and wrong. It’s like boarding a train with no actual intent to go anywhere – it just hasn’t left the station. Even though you may be aware that the train isn’t yet in motion, you still got on it knowing there is an if and when. You know what that’s called? Your mamma probably said this to you when you pushed the limits on bad behavior as a kid – that’s called Skating on thin ice. Still doesn’t make it good, or right.
That being said, there’s no such thing as mistakenly, not knowing or never meaning to when dipping your toes within that risk. And there’s no justifying certain behaviors before avoiding “crossing the line“, either. So just because you say you’ll jump off the train as it starts moving, and call it self-control, is not actually self-control because you still insisted on getting on that train. You’re pushing the bounds; you’re moving that line you’re willing to cross.
In doing so, those fail to recognize when their intentions and behaviors have gone too far because they only continue to defend their innocence. “I’m innocent until I…[take my clothes off with that person]…[meet with them privately without my spouse knowing]…[agree to a level of emotional connection that is no longer in respect of my spouse].” We have all heard this saying: you’re innocent until you get caught. But if roles were reversed, would it be defined the same?
This could be exchanging numbers, calling and texting, dishing inappropriate compliments, prioritizing the attention of someone other than your spouse, secrecy or simply placing yourself in situations of temptation (whether you find it to be unfaithful or not). To many people, these examples are super limiting to their desires – to the point of butthurtedness. While those examples may not constitute as grounds for infidelity, they are intentional stepping stones leading up. Meaning, they’re not wrong, but it certaintly doesn’t make them RIGHT.
It may be easier to ask yourself: [Said behavior]…Is it helping my marriage, or is it hurting? I’ll save you the hassle: If you’re confident it’s not hurting but can’t answer whether it’s helping…then it’s hurting.
Nonetheless, those stepping stones are what initially risk compromising the integrity of your marriage. And why am I so passionate about this, you might ask? My father had an emotional affair on my mother…for years. And believe it or not, it impacted me, too. While I have forgiven him, I learned a lot and I have much to say on the matter.
An affair begins the moment you displace your integrity (or your spouse’s best interest) for your own personal [unmet] needs and desires; it’s also giving in [to your desires] to appease someone else’s – this is also called giving in to temptation. In a monogamous marriage, you serve ONE person, not two. And, of course, if you’re a Believer (Christ follower), you serve Him first and foremost then your spouse.
Our one desire in life is connection (to feel connected to someone or others, as well as to love and feel loved), yet we can’t seem to love or connect with others without conditions while expecting others to love us unconditionally. Make that make sense.
Anyway, relationships are not built strictly on chemistry, but a deep emotional connection – as are friendships. A marriage may be a partnership, but it once began with friendship before evolving romantically. In a marriage, where partnership and friendship coexist (*hopefully*), are couples who are more likely to understand the significance and importance of boundaries within external friendships and especially interactions with those within their sexuality.
Does this mean you are to never interact or come in contact with others? No, because that would be unrealistic. However, it is (and should be) encouraged to be more self-aware of when to cease interactions or behaviors that meddle unfairly and inappropriately with your marriage and to your spouse. This includes what might provoke uneasiness or concern with you or your spouse; for example, your spouse is uncomfortable with your going to Happy Hour after work one-on-one with your female co-worker. THIS IS BOTH A VALID CONCERN AND BOUNDARY.
That is why setting mutual boundaries is so important. I’m dead serious, because while many like to use the “I’m not perfect – I’m human – I make mistakes” mantra, they certainly think so little of boundaries when it comes to cheating by saying, “I have self-control – I don’t need to watch what I say or do!“
What behaviors you or your spouse find innocent may not be the same to the other. Concerns or feelings of discomfort does not necessarily define as insecurity, lack of trust, or a means of control, but rather they simply have stricter grounds on behavior they feel can jeopardize the quality of the marriage. And rightfully so, for those who throw a tatrum for having to consider their spouse’s feelings when texting a “friend” late at night for no good reason. If you defend this behavior, the better question to ask is what are you looking to come of it [from it]?
I trust my husband, wholeheartedly, and placing boundaries in our marriage has nothing to do with a lack of trust because he’s never broken my trust. If I find that his interaction or connection with someone is concerning, it does not mean I have lost trust in him and suspect he is being unfaithful. It simply means he is crossing a boundary or stepping between the lines of what I feel can be threatening to our marriage.
With all of the above said, there are several common boundaries to protect your marriage from an affair. Yes, we’re finally getting there, and hopefully you actually read up to this point without skipping ahead. While some can be more specific per individual couple, these boundaries highlight the most important aspects couples should uphold.
Boundaries you need to protect your marriage from an affair
you can never be “too” open and honest
Even when you know the truth will sting. Even when it benefits you the least. Even if the issue isn’t that big of a deal, doesn’t concern your spouse or having zero chance of them ever finding out.
If you hide things from your spouse in fear they will leave or abandon you, that they will disapprove of [said] behavior or because you are entitled to “privacy” (or withholding certain information), that is your cue there is a critical need for more openness and honesty in your marriage.
I would rather have my husband be upset with me over a painful truth than a lie.
Again, integrity. Without it, there is no real value in marriage. You’re always told that your spouse (and your marriage) should be your safe haven. That your spouse should be the one person you can express your feelings to (good and bad), be able to share anything and trust with your life – no matter the circumstances. Your marriage, as its own entity, should also be that safe haven.
That means even when your spouse is not around, you should be willing to do whatever means necessary to protect [defend] AND preserve [uphold] that safe haven. When you respect the integrity of your marriage, you’ll also understand the significance of respecting your spouse, who is also worthy of that safe haven.
Point blank: you can neverrrrr be too open or too honest in marriage. Without it there is no transparency and no willingness to keep each other’s best interest at heart. So decide where your boundary lies between the importance of honesty over secrecy when it can possibly threaten the quality of your marriage.
[Related Read: Digital privacy in my marriage (we have no secrets!)]
stop encouraging, enabling and overlooking inappropriate behaviors
Say a coworker continually makes a pass at you at work, and these days maybe this flirtatious behavior isn’t so cut and dry. Either way, this coworker is putting you in a position of temptation. Sure, it’s flattering and seemingly harmless, so you take the repetitive (sometimes borderline sexual) compliments and let it feed your inner ego. I mean, you weren’t asking for it and it’s not like you’re egging this behavior on.
Or are you.. by not doing or saying anything to put a stop to it?
Look, this isn’t about a random circumstance where you’re subjected to receiving flattery now and then, like from a stranger in the supermarket who happened to notice you. You accept the kind gesture or compliment and go about your merrily way.
But someone who is continuously making a pass at a married man or woman (that’s you) – harmless or not – should be demanded of respect and reminded of what you will not tolerate (whether they know you are married or not). As the spouse, it is your reponsibility to set people straight when placed in a position of temptation. If you’re unaware, these individuals are after your attention and they have no regard for you, or your spouse, until you make that loud and clear. Otherwise, you are (passively) accepting the invitation of temptation.
Again, integrity. Fidelity and loyalty begin with standing up for your morals when your spouse won’t see it, or even when you think it won’t [negatively] affect your marriage. It’s important to do what is right, not what you feel. *Your stroked ego and devious [partly shameful] desire for external attention outside of your marriage needs to be held accountable and kept in check for a reason.
there are not enough justified reasons to still be in contact with an ex
In case you’ve forgotten, you slept with this person. You’ve swapped bodily fluids and seen, touched, and [*]ed each other’s private parts. Gruesome and descriptive, I know, but the truth needs to be said here. You had sexual relations, shared intimacy, and may have even talked about a *promised* future with this person.
You may even have children together – the more reason for boundaries!
We generally think that once someone is an EX that somehow all existence of intimacy or previous intimacy goes away, when that’s simply not true because once it’s happened it’s always there, even if you’d die by the sword to never be intimate with them again. In a marriage, intimacy is sacred (meant only to be invited and shared between husband and wife), and previous intimate moments with others don’t just disappear from thin air [*poof*] when you end the relationship – the imprinted memories still and will always exist. There’s no delete button for that.
Yes, even memories associated with feelings. No matter if in this moment you’d give your left arm to set your EX on fire.
You simply cannot unlearn intimate feelings you once had for someone. This is why it isn’t uncommon for ex-partners to fall back in love and get back together 5-10-25 years down the road…picking up right where they left off. People change and grow, and feelings also change and grow, but that doesn’t mean the past is non-existent.
As human beings, we associate others with aspects of our lives, including memories. So, yes, you still associate your EX as that person you once had kinky, wild sex with, swore you’d marry or even give up everything for, even if you say now your interaction is entirely platonic.
The mind is a powerful thing. Yet there are those out there who truly overestimate what they think their mind is capable of – disassociating, or whatever you want to call it, for the sake of ignoring true residual feelings without having to completely *let go* – and there are those willing to jeopardize their marriage over it.
We are encouraged left and right to let go of friends (and even family members) who no longer serve us, or have a negative influence on our *light* and well-being. Well, I firmly believe the same logic applies to our EX relationships since there is a reason they were EX-ited from your love life to begin with. *I get it, when you have kids together this isn’t always so black and white, but at the same time we shouldn’t be making excuses for interactions that are no longer appropriate (and necessary) when you are married.
[Related Read: Ways Transparency Creates Thriving Relationships]
all friendships should be laid out on the table
Naked, too. And I mean ALL friendships. If there’s no reason to hide anything involving same-sex (SS) friendships, then it should remain the same for opposite-sex (OS) friendships. When you have to downplay an OS friendship (meaning you keep certain information, interactions, and behaviors on the down-low) that means you’re engaging in something you know you probably shouldn’t, or that your partner wouldn’t like (hello, this is called Shame).
Granted, we also can’t skip by the fact that some couples have SS friendships that are very secretive and opaque. These friendships can still have a negative impact on marriage! An example of this would be if I had girl friend (also married) who frequently and openly seeks out the attention of other men, yet I quietly sit back, allow this behavior to continue, maintain the friendship as per usual while keeping this information hidden from my husband.
Again, what may come across as innocent and acceptable behavior to you may not always be to your spouse. *I will exclude the margin of individuals who are [irrationally/extremely] jealous, controlling, unjust, have mental health decline, or are/have experienced severe unresolved trauma. For instance, your spouse may not be comfortable with the fact you go to dinner alone with your OS friends. In reference to the example above, my husband may not find it acceptable for me to “go out” (partying, for drinks, etc.) with that girl friend. This doesn’t necessarily mean there is a lack of trust. This also doesn’t mean your partner is trying to control what you can and can’t do.
If you are quick to judge your spouse in having irrational boundaries on your SS or OS friendships, it may be that you aren’t seeing something your spouse does. It may be that they see behaviors that pose a risk and that they feel jeopardizes the quality of the marriage, which are completely valid, by the way. That just because you may not see your intentions as unfaithful, it still doesn’t mean you may not be compromising your spouse’s (and your marriage’s) best interest. Displacing your partner’s best interest for not only your own but someone else’s is a common ingredient for a disaster recipe!
So when it comes to ALL friendships in marriage, transparency is key. This isn’t about not having friends at all, but having more thoughtfully considered friendships in respect of your marriage. Misery loves bad company, folks. So when certain boundaries in these friendships are crossed they are to be discussed, apprehended and respected, not invalidated or dismissed.
ask yourself if jeopardizing your marriage is worth “doing whatever you want”
Bear with me as I go into this one, and try not to immediately jump to conclusions or assumptions. If you were excepting to have your cake and eat it, too, in marriage…what was the point when you signed up for something that meant you were to share that cake with your spouse? So if you thought you could get married and still do whatever you want, no exceptions…why involve someone else through the bind of marriage?
Now, it’s on you to define “whatever you want” is. This could be in relation to personal free time, changing or quitting jobs, accepting or denying certain reponsibilities, level of support, effort, contribution, affection and attention, etc. etc.
For instance, when it comes to having OS friendships, I am fairly open-minded to a healthy degree. Those up in arms saying, “Nobody is going to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with! My spouse should trust me, just as I trust them. I can be friends with someone of the OS if I want – doesn’t mean I will cheat or like them as more than friends.“
I agree with you. I agree with you in that my husband also has zero say in who I can and can’t be friends with – women and men. The only difference is that I prioritize the integrity of our marriage above all else, because that’s what I choose to do, and would much rather take his feelings into consideration when it concerns any risk toward infidelity.
Remember, emotional affairs are still a real thing – whether chemistry is present or not.
Therefore, personally, I find OS friendships to be a risk not worth chancing in my marriage. Here’s why:
Ever hear the phrase, “You can’t choose who you Love“? That sometimes “it just happens“? If you were to think about many of the leading causes of infidelity, you would find a similar common denominator. It doesn’t just happen.
I mean, first, it’s the lack of boundaries, obvy. But let’s call it “friendships” OR “platonic connections” that lead to something more.
You might have heard things like, “…I didn’t expect to have feelings,“, “…we were just friends – I don’t know what happened or how it got here,” or “…they were [said quality, or giving me attention] you weren’t giving me.“
The thing is… friendships, and a friend, can have so many meanings on different levels. I think we tend to classify our friendships uniquely by their level of fondness (how this person makes us *feel* being around them AS WELL AS how much we *care* about [consider, value] this person) and, alas, connection. It’s really THAT simple. Do they all lead to infidelity (or having an emotional affair)? No. We can care about people but still prioritize our spouse. The key here is we have to be more aware of and willing to draw some sort of line somewhere in the sand.
When considering the connection of close friendships, it’s likely that you have similar interests, commonalities, and compatibility. This also means increased vulnerability and transparency, which can lead to sharing intimate details of your personal life, confiding and consoling, and opening up to one another through trust and unification. We literally do this, no problem, in our SS friendships.
Hence why “closeness” in friendship exists on a spectrum (an emotional level) – resulting in, for example, frequently prioritizing time together, talking more consistently, or subconsciously thinking about (or being reminded of) one another and sharing a common desire to connect (be there for one another) on a regular basis. This all accurately defines *friendship*, am I right or am I right?
Ultimately, you care about this person – how much or “how far” you allow it go on that spectrum only you can define. And I’ll be straight with you: in marriage, it’s your responsibility – your duty – to do right by your spouse by ensuring no other is granted the opportunity or place on that rightful pedestal.
Bring it, I am fully prepared to take that heat.
With that, it wouldn’t be ridiculous to say these qualities (of friendship) also define a relationship. So where is that line drawn and how wide is the gap between friendship and something more (minus chemistry, because there doesn’t need to be any). At what point does friendship facilitate the development for a romantic connection? Does a romantic connection even need to exist for it to be considered an emotional affair? IMO, no, while a slew of people would immediately disagree.
While the above qualities of an OS friendship may be defined as innocent in marriage, they are still stepping stones to an emotional and physical affair. Chemistry does not have to be initially present or exist at all. It isn’t uncommon for people to become attracted to one another after establishing an emotional connection – again, through PLATONIC interactions. Even then, emotional affairs are sticky territory because many do not declare an affair as legitimate unless sex OR chemistry (attraction) is involved – when that is far from the truth. It begins the moment someone else is displaced above your spouse, period.
The bond you share with your partner is to be unlike with anyone else. And some will say the opposite – that they share many similar bonds as they do with their spouse. If that works for you and your partner mutually, then great – carry on. But that polyamorous “fine-line” narrative should not be normalized in a monogamous or covenant marriage. *On Quora, a polyamorous man said, and I quote, “Being polyamorous doesn’t always involve sex – it doesn’t always mean I want to have sex with someone to be in a relationship with them.“
A marriage consists of both a physical and emotional connection, so it is more than possible for an emotional connection within a friendship to turn into grounds for an emotional affair. The point is not whether romantic feelings are a GuArAnTeE within friendship…it’s willingly taking the risk that a friendship may or may not reach that point. Especially without boundaries.
Again, if there is truth in the saying that you don’t necessarily choose who you love, then you also don’t necessarily choose who you don’t. What you do have control over is how far you allow the connection of those friendships to be/go.
Mind you, I’m not here to tell you it is impossible to have OS friendships (within your sexuality). I am going to say that they always pose a risk of jeopardizing your marriage (in fact, ALL/any friendships can), depending on where your marriage (your spouse) resides on your totem pole.
The same way you place preventions in place throughout life, boundaries in manage serve the same purpose – to protect your well-being and give you peace of mind by proactively taking “necessary” preventions for what [should] matter most to you. Your spouse and your marriage.
Doesn’t your marriage deserve the same preparedness, readiness, thoughtfulness and consideration?
So ask yourself: at what point would it take for you to put out all the stops in order to protect your marriage from infidelity?
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