Here we go, Lovely – yes, we’re going there. We’ll go there together because it can be scary to admit when the most stable relationships in your life seem dull, lifeless, unappealing and just “meh“. It’s time to wake up, because healthy relationships are not boring – that’s called Peace.
You can’t really blame yourself when you’ve been accustomed to a repetitive cycle of emotional chaos, drama, chronic highs and lows, unhealthy cycles and patterns.
As it says in the title, I’ll say it, again – yes, it’s time to wake up, because the truth is healthy Love will experience “boredom”. But for those I’m speaking to, that isn’t boredom, what you’re actually experiencing is peace.
When you’re introduced to the foreign reality of a relationship that is good for you, you will also be introduced to a number of “feelings” you likely never really sat with before. And it’s no wonder you easily grow weary in search of something that’s “missing“, when it may not have anything to do with the relationship itself.
So if you tend to find yourself bored to tears when you finally meet a decent, good person or experience a healthy relationship, listen up!
Wake up! Healthy relationships are not boring, that’s called peace
There are no “butterflies” because you’re not “bonded” or Love-bombed
We’ve ALL been there – feeling those intense “butterfly” feels. At times making you feel a bit nauseated and anxious, but wow-wee so worth it, right? We are told that’s how we should feel around someone we really like or with someone that feels right.
Am I saying it’s all bad? No, but I think we’re conditioned to feeling them as an indicator for our feelings and their feelings.
Truth be told, if I’m really thinking back long and hard, I can’t really say I experienced those initial butterfly feels (that I was used to) with my then-boyfriend-now-husband. I felt something different – something better I was unsure of then but would come to understand later.
We are also told the butterflies are something we should feel almost right away – hence for the “Love at first sight” and “instant connection” phenomenon we so desperately cling to. But have you ever really considered that maybe those butterflies could be a warning sign telling you, “Hey, psst, you’re falling for this person prematurely and for not-so healthy reasons,“?
Think about it – after all, these butterflies do mimic the same symptoms we experience with fear, anxiety, pain, insecurity, and trauma.
Oftentimes these butterflies develop so quickly for someone we hardly know. And if we don’t experience them at all, that person is presumably written off, even if you’ve already agreed to go on a second date and call it second chances.
As human beings, we know we do this – we’ve made up our minds even if we tell ourselves we’re going to try, see it through, or give something [someone] the benefit of the doubt.
If you are used to relationships giving you butterflies that start off heavy, right out the gate, through something that “bonds” you together or from intense and excessive behaviors of attention and affection (aka Love-bombing), then it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say it would feel entirely alien for you to be with someone who doesn’t fully embody that level of energy, especially early on or when you first meet.
You’ll probably end up questioning, “Do they even like me?!“, but mostly you’ll read it as, “I don’t like them *that* way.”
A trauma bond, for example, would be getting those “butterflies” for someone simply because you’ve bonded over the fact you both experienced chaotic, painful, unstable childhoods. Or when you begin to feel those butterfly feels fizzle, you may subconsciously attempt to recreate them in unhealthy ways, thus becoming a pattern in your relationships.
Another example of the “intensity” (of energy, attention and affection) is someone (or you) who calls and texts incessantly since Day 1. Always in contact, which never seems to skip a beat – you rarely go hours without talking, and this level of intensity may even facilitate frequent heated arguments disguised as heated passion (for one another). You might even make certain sacrifices to aid this level of attention, such as losing sleep because you’re talking all hours of the night.
This premature and unhealthy level of intensity is considered Love-bombing.
In a relationship where you’re actually experiencing peace, it will resemble and equate to a slow burn, not an intense, dramatized explosion or wildfire on either or both ends.
You won’t be seeking or basing a connection solely on [similar] traumatic [life] experiences, or how little time you go between being *disconnected* (meaning, not speaking or seeing each other). You also won’t be attributing turmoil between you as a testament to your feelings for one another (aka, “we fight/get into fights easily because we’re so hot and bothered for one another”).
You’re not “fantasizing” them or “romanticizing” the relationship
In a relationship where you experience this peace, you’re not imagining or fabricating someone’s potential. You’re also not conjuring up ways to change or fix them (or to make them “better”).
You also do not need to prove you are worthy by “rescuing” them or over-performing in order to be chosen. *Look what I can do, I can be this for you – pick me! *All you need is the “right girl” in order for you to stop being a bunghole and be willing to settle down – let me show you what you need and what you’ve been missing!
Not having to over-perform, bend, extend or sacrifice yourself may seem eye-gouging-ly boring because you’re not having to over-analyze their behavior like a word puzzle, question their intentions like solving a riddle, constantly be on your toes as if walking on eggshells, or read into their feelings like you have psychic abilities.
Simply put: keeping someone interested, including yourself, won’t be like a resume or constant checklist!
In a healthy relationship you won’t be hoping, wishing, or waiting for this sudden moment for them to change, come to your rescue, or become this [ideal] person for you (and you for them). Instead, you are taking them at face value – what you see is what you get.
It’s no surprise that many find certain [negative] behaviors (in their relationship) to be “thrilling” and exciting, treating it as adding another notch to their relationship belt. They think this solidifies the connection or brings them closer to their partner, but in fact, it does the opposite; it suffocates. The belt ends up cutting off your circulation, literally.
And many are so conditioned to [relationship] turmoil that they’ll even go as far as to normalize emotionally taxing situations in order to feel that there is still life in that relationship. For example, you can probably remember instances when it felt good to make your partner jealous.
People romanticize certain behaviors in order to invoke a false feeling. Unfortunately, people resort to these false feelings to sabotaging extremes and call it normal, or worse…Love.
Moreover, in “healthy” relationships, this kind of behavior isn’t considered the norm because one or both parties assume self-responsibility while also holding one another accountable for unhealthy behavior. A peaceful relationship doesn’t mean you never experience a high or low, but they’re manifested within positive experiences as well as healthy patterns, and behaviors (not chaos or destruction).
[Related Read: 50 Unapologetic dating standards you NEED to avoid DATING DOWN]
Consistency is just not “sexy”
Let me backtrack for a second. It’s not the consistency you’re likely thinking when you’re confusing inconsistency for consistency. I’ve referenced this chart in another post, but I’ll bring it back.
So what might seem boring to you about “healthy” relationships is the fact that he shows up (which is obviously good) but he shows up consistently without spurts of Love-bombing or passion then withdrawal or uncertainty (hot and cold behavior).
This high and low or hot and cold behavior (name it what you will; identify it however you see fit) is considered addictive because it somehow amplifies existing chemistry. Women will often admit this kind of behavior is enthralling, enticing, and undeniably irresistible (regardless of if in that moment it feels like dog doo-doo). Of course, it is when he’s willing to throw you a bone every now and then, as if that’s enough. As if that’s redefined consistency.
Unfortunately, many genuinely, deep down, believe they are not worthy of what is actually considered normal, healthy consistency (minus extreme highs and lows). They solidify that to themselves by associating chaos with passion, chemistry with compatibility and even feelings of Love with maltreatment.
Reread that last paragraph if you need to.
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Conflict – or arguments – kept your relationship “alive”
Not thriving, just alive. Think of a defribrilator. It’s like being resuscitated on the operating table until you get a single, faint heartbeat. Unhealthy relationships depend on this, but without addressing or fixing the root – at least not long enough before they’re back to the same cycle that landed your relationship in the OR in the first place.
You could call this beating a dead horse.
Healthy relationships, where you experience peace, rarely hover or linger over requiring this level of treatment. *I did NOT say never, because even healthy relationships can go through trials and hardship!
Listen, yes, all couples fight (argue, disagree, have confrontation and conflict), even those in healthy relationships. The difference for you could be that the constance of extreme highs and extreme lows meant there’s always a glimmer of something worth fighting for. That glimmer kept you coming back for more, no matter how long or far and few the highs last, and in turn likely associating lows with highs.
So even in the midst of a heated argument, you saw that as a level of commitment or your “true” feelings for one another – you might even say that if they yelled, broke things, verbally abused you or became aggressive that this is a testament of their “fiery” Love and commitment.
Meanwhile, if you weren’t fighting, something was definitely wrong. Hence why healthy relationships can give those accustomed to the opposite so much anxiety and uncertainty. To not fight (especially all the time) unconsciously feels boring, and no wonder!
A peaceful, drama-free relationship may actually trigger your innermost insecurities. This can be uncomfortable (unnatural, even) to experience emotional maturity and accountability in a partner when it comes to dealing with a disagreement or conflict in the relationship.
You bet it will seem strange that they don’t resort to name-calling, yelling, avoiding you for days or weeks, or making threats (to the relationship, and you). Yes, it can even be uncomfortable being with someone who actually listens, leans in and approaches you during times of discomfort or tension, encourages you to speak, and cares about your feelings.
You may even convince yourself that this is not normal (when jealousy, picking fights, and constant bickering gives you a false sense of comfort) without realizing you may enable or resort to the very behaviors that are harmful.
Alas, it’s common for those to end up sabotaging a good thing. In a “boring” relationship, you won’t need to actively disrupt the peace to know it is alive and thriving.
You associate [instant] chemistry with Love
We could say chemistry, all wrapped up into one word, is made up of the following:
- Knee-weakening looks/body parts/smell; attraction is chemical and physical-focused
- Undeniably irresistible “bedroom” skills; sex-induced (being desired sexually), and “feel-good” hormones become a source of feeling connected
- Warm fuzzy emotions in each other’s presence; these emotions are “trance”-like and are prone to being the decision-makers (replacing logic and intuition)
- Bonds through by similar, shared experiences, “wounds”, or trauma leads to attraction
- Merging/monopolizing of one another’s time, energy, thoughts, and feelings – hello, premature “attachment”
- High intensity of superficial affection and attention (Love-bombing)
Among other things. We could technically call it for what it is – Lust.
I’ve witnessed countless times those have labeled it soulmate energy, but I think we need to acknowledge it for what it is: a strong, addictive chemical reaction/response.
Of course that’s why it feels absolutely Heavenly. That doesn’t mean it’s special, unique, or healthy (good for you) – in fact, it can be manifested from AND into the wrong circumstances.
So we really have to stop treating chemistry for what it isn’t. In healthy relationships, chemistry is not the be-all, one-all, end-all; a relationship cannot develop nor survive on chemistry alone. It is also not the determining factor for a healthy relationship, yet it can be a common denominator for destruction.
This is why chemistry is often tied to the whole “honeymoon phase” in relationships – that once you come to that you’re no longer in vacay mode (which you will, because what goes up must come down), you’re met with this sense of “boredom” and complacency.
Those may even say, “They changed. They’re not the person they once were (when I met them).” This is when true compatibility is tested. People’s true, wounded colors start coming through – this is natural. And, so, it’s no surprise that some will go to great lengths (in unhealthy ways) to relive that high again and again.
That’s not to say chemistry isn’t important, but in unhealthy relationships, chemistry is often placed on a pedestal over compatibility. Incompatibility is also often compensated where intense chemistry overrules. In a healthy relationship that is considered boring, if the chemistry exists…it just isn’t running the show, it’s simply part of it.
You’re avoiding your own “work”
We are all ongoing “works in progress” – this is never-ending. Some even say that’s a bit harsh, that human beings don’t need to be on some [spiritual] “healing journey” to be considered living.
Of course, that is the human experience – to live. We will never be considered “healed”, or perfect. There is no end-point to our “loading bar” – our purpose is not to reach 100%.
I digress. But this does not negate self-reflection, consideration, and awareness – to view yourself with grace and compassion and at the same time taking self-responsibility for personal growth. Yet many are often too busy diagnosing others‘ inadequacies.
“It sucks because he’s attractive and he treats me good and all – he’s just boring.” Is he really boring, or have you been desensitized to the qualities of a healthy relationship? The answer to that requires you to dig a little deeper within.
The truth is if you find that healthy, peaceful relationships bore you to tears, it’s likely because you continue holding onto recurrent, negative conditioning, patterns, habits, behaviors, thinking, and beliefs in your relationships.
You might even exhibit them yourself, yet they do not define who you are.
If your past relationships have been gruesome, intense, traumatizing, chaotic, and those alike…the more the reason to reflect inward in order to acknowledge and better understand the symptoms of those unhealthy relationships and how to regulate those symptoms.
It isn’t just about breaking the cycle of choosing toxic relationships, it’s also acknowledging the role you play in part of that cycle so that you, too, can find true peace in a healthy relationship.
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