Here we go, Lovely – yes, we’re going there. We’ll go there together because it can be scary to admit when the most stable relationships in your life seem dull, lifeless, unappealing and just “meh“. It’s time to wake up, because healthy relationships are not boring – that’s called Peace. And you can’t really blame yourself when you’ve been accustomed to a repetitive cycle of emotional chaos, drama, and unhealthy patterns.
Please! I encourage you to read the whole post before coming to your own predisposed assumptions and conclusions, because I may offer you some insight you never thought to consider before. Whether you’re single and wondering why it seems impossible to find a good, decent relationship (or person) while still seeking out the “bad boy” type, or you’re in a relationship with someone (that you know is GOOD for you) and often question its long-term sustainability because something is “missing” (that steamy, hot *passion, or butterfly *feels*).
As it says in the title, I’ll say it, again – yes, it’s time to wake up, because the truth is ALL [healthy] relationships WILL experience “boredom”. But for those I’m speaking to, that isn’t boredom, what you’re actually experiencing is PEACE.
When you’re introduced to the foreign reality of a relationship that is good for you, you will also be introduced to a number of “feelings” you likely never really sat with before. And it’s no wonder you easily grow weary in search of something that’s “missing“, when it may not have anything to do with the relationship itself. So if you tend to find yourself bored to tears when you finally meet a decent, good [the right] person or relationship for you, here are 5 reasons to turn and look inward for why that is.
Wake up! Healthy relationships are not boring, that’s called peace
[6 Reasons you feel bored AF in healthy relationships]
There’s no “butterflies” because you’re not “bonded” or Love-bombed
We’ve ALL been there – feeling those intense “butterfly” feels. At times making you feel a bit nauseated and anxious, but wow-wee so worth it, right? We are told that’s how we should feel around someone we really like or with someone that feels right. We are also told that’s how we should feel almost right away – hence for the “Love at first sight” and “instant connection” phenomenon we so desperately cling to. But have you ever really considered that maybe those butterflies could be a warning sign telling you, “Hey, psst, you’re falling for this person for the wrong reasons and too soon,“? Just think about it – after all, these butterflies do mimic the same feelings we experience with fear, anxiety, pain, insecurity, and trauma.
Oftentimes these butterflies develop so quickly for someone we hardly know. Then, dare I say, if you happen to be with someone who does not give you these butterflies, this person is presumably written off, even if you’re going to give them a second date [chance], anyway. As human beings, we know we do this – we’ve made up our minds even if we tell ourselves we’re going to try, see it through, or give something [someone] the benefit of the doubt.
So if you are used to people and relationships (giving you butterflies) that start off heavy, right out the gate, through something that “bonds” you together or from intense and excessive behaviors of attention and affection (this is called Love-bombing), then it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say you would feel entirely alien with someone who doesn’t embody that level of energy, especially early on or when you first meet. You might end up questioning, “Do they even like me?!” A trauma bond, for example, would be getting those “butterflies” for someone simply because you’ve bonded over the fact you both had chaotic, unstable childhoods. Another example of the “intensity” (of energy, attention and affection) you’re probably used to – with the butterflies – is someone (or you) who calls and texts you constantly since Day 1. They always want to be in contact with you and never seem to skip a beat – you rarely go hours without talking or igniting a conversation. This premature level of intensity is considered Love-bombing.
In a relationship where you’re actually experiencing peace, it will resemble and equate to a slow burn, not an intense, dramatized explosion or wildfire on either or both ends. You also won’t be seeking or basing a connection solely on [similar] traumatic [life] experiences or commonalities. You also won’t be basing a connection off of how often he reaches out or how soon he texts you back.
You’re not “fantasizing” them or “romanticizing” the relationship
In a relationship where you experience this peace, you’re not imagining or fabricating someone’s potential. You’re also not conjuring up ways to change or fix them (or to make them “better”). You do need to prove you are worthy by “rescuing” them (from themselves, their problems or faults), or over-performing in order to be chosen. *Look what I can do, I can be this for you – pick me! *All you need is the “right girl” in order for you to stop being a bumhole and be willing to settle down – let me show you what you need!
Not having to perform, bend, over-extend or sacrifice yourself may seem eye-gouging-ly boring because you’re not having to over-analyze their behavior, question their intentions, constantly be on your toes (walking on eggshells), or read into their feelings like a riddle. In a healthy relationship you won’t be hoping, wishing, or waiting for this sudden moment for them to change, come to your rescue, or become this [ideal] person for you (and you for them). Instead, you are taking them at face value – what you see is what you get.
It’s no surprise that many find certain [negative] behaviors (in their relationship) to be “thrilling” and exciting; treating it as adding another notch to their relationship belt. They think this solidifies the connection or brings them closer to their partner, but in fact, it does the opposite; it suffocates. The belt ends up cutting off your circulation, literally. And many are so conditioned to [relationship] turmoil that they’ll even go as far as to subconsciously create, perpetuate, or normalize emotionally taxing situations in order to feel that there is still life in that relationship. For example, you can probably remember instances when it felt good to make your partner jealous. People romanticize certain behaviors in order to invoke a feeling. Imagine this as using a defibrillator on your relationship. Unfortunately, people just resort to experiencing this jolt in unhealthy ways and to sabotaging extremes…and call it normal, or worse…Love.
Moreover, in “healthy” relationships, this kind of behavior isn’t considered the norm because one or both parties assume self-responsibility while also holding one another accountable for unhealthy behavior. A peaceful relationship doesn’t mean you never experience a high or low, but they’re manifested by positive experiences, patterns, and behaviors (not chaos or destruction).
[Related Read: 50 Unapologetic dating standards you NEED to avoid DATING DOWN]
Consistency is just not “sexy”
Let me backtrack for a second. It’s not necessarily that consistency isn’t sexy, but what makes it uber sexy is the inconsistency, along with everything I’ve talked about thus far (the butterflies, romanticized feelings and behaviors). I’ve referenced this chart in another post, but I’ll bring it back.
So what might seem boring to you about “healthy” relationships is the fact that he shows up (which is obviously good) but he shows up consistently without spurts of withdrawal or uncertainty (hot and cold behavior). This high and low or hot and cold behavior (name it what you will; identify it however you see fit) is considered addictive because it somehow amplifies existing chemistry; women often say this kind of behavior is enthralling, enticing, and undeniably irresistible. There it is – the whole ‘wanting what we can’t have or is hard to get‘; that “WHEN he does treat me right, it feels SO good.” As if, somehow, throwing you a bone is every now and then enough.
Unfortunately, those genuinely, deep down, believe they are not worthy of what is considered normal, healthy consistency (minus extreme highs and lows). They solidify that to themselves by associating chaos with passion and chemistry with compatibility.
Conflict – or arguments – kept your relationship “alive”
Not thriving, just alive. Again, think of the defibrillator. It’s like being resuscitated on the operating table until you get a single, faint heartbeat. Unhealthy relationships depend on this, but without addressing or fixing the root – at least not long enough before they’re back to the same cycle that landed them in the OR in the first place. You could call this beating a dead horse.
Healthy relationships where you experience peace rarely if ever hover or linger over this level of treatment.
Granted, all couples fight, even those in healthy relationships. The difference for you could be that the constant of extreme highs and extreme lows meant there’s always a glimmer of something worth fighting for. That glimmer kept you coming back for more, no matter how long or far and few the highs last, and in turn likely associating highs with lows. So even in the midst of a heated argument, you saw that as a level of commitment or your “true” feelings for one another – you might even say that if they yelled, broke things, or became aggressive that this is a testament of their “fiery” Love.
Meanwhile, if you weren’t fighting, something was definitely wrong. Whereas a peaceful, drama-free relationship may actually trigger your innermost insecurities. This can be uncomfortable (unnatural, even) to experience emotional maturity and accountability in a partner when it comes to dealing with a disagreement or conflict in the relationship. You bet it will seem strange that they don’t resort to name-calling, yelling, or making threats (to the relationship, and you). Yes, it can even be uncomfortable being with someone who actually listens, encourages you to speak, and cares about your feelings. And you can even convince yourself that this is not normal (when jealousy, picking fights, and constant bickering gives you a false sense of comfort) without realizing you may enable or resort to the very behaviors that are harmful.
Alas, it’s common for those to end up sabotaging a good thing. In a “boring” relationship, you won’t need to actively disrupt the peace to know it is alive and thriving.
You associate [instant] chemistry with Love
We could say chemistry, all wrapped up into one word, is made up of the following:
- Knee-weakening looks/body parts/smell; attraction is chemical and physical-focused
- Undeniably irresistible “bedroom” skills; sex-induced (being desired sexually), and “feel-good” hormones become a source of feeling connected
- Warm fuzzy emotions in each other’s presence; these emotions are “trance”-like and are prone to being the decision-makers (replacing logic and intuition)
- Bonded by [similar] experiences, “wounds”, or trauma
- Merging/monopolizing of one another’s time, energy, thoughts, and feelings; hello, premature “attachment”
- High intensity of superficial “connectedness”; Love-bombing; mostly short-lived and surface-level
Among other things. We could technically call it for what it is – Lust. I’ve witnessed countless times those have labeled it soulmate energy, but I think we need to acknowledge it for what it is: a strong, addictive chemical reaction/response. Of course that’s why it feels absolutely Heavenly. That doesn’t mean it’s special, unique, or healthy (good for you) – in fact, it can be manifested from AND into the wrong circumstances. So we really have to stop treating chemistry for what it isn’t. In healthy relationships, chemistry is not the be-all, one-all, end-all; a relationship cannot survive on chemistry. It is also not the determining factor, yet it can be a common denominator for destruction.
This is why chemistry has a lot to do with the whole “honeymoon phase” in relationships – that once you come to that you’re no longer in vacay mode (which you will, because what goes up must come down), oftentimes those will be overwhelmed with this sense of “boredom” or complacency. Those may even say, “They changed. They’re not the person they once were (when I met them).” This is when true compatibility is tested. People’s true, wounded colors start coming through – this is natural. And, so, it’s no surprise that some will go to great lengths (in unhealthy ways) to relive that high, again and again.
That’s not to say chemistry isn’t important, but in unhealthy relationships, chemistry is often placed on a pedestal over compatibility. Incompatibility is also often overlooked where intense chemistry is compensated. In a [healthy] relationship that is considered boring, if the chemistry exists…it just isn’t running the show, it’s simply part of it.
You’re avoiding your own “work”
We are all ongoing “works in progress” – this is never-ending. Some even say that’s a bit harsh; that human beings don’t need to be on some [spiritual] “healing journey” to be considered living. Of course that is the human experience – to live and to simply be. We will never be considered “healed”, or perfect. There is no end-point to our “loading bar” – our purpose is not to reach 100%, either.
I digress. But this does not negate self-reflection, consideration, and awareness – to view yourself with grace and compassion at the same time taking self-responsibility for personal growth. Yet many are often too busy diagnosing others‘ inadequacies.
“It sucks because he’s attractive and he treats me good and all – he’s just boring.” Is he really boring, or have you been desensitized to the qualities of a healthy relationship? The answer to that requires you to dig a little deeper within.
The truth is if you find that [healthy], peaceful relationships bore you to tears, it’s likely because you continue holding onto recurrent, negative conditioning, patterns, habits, behaviors, thinking, and beliefs in your relationships. You might even exhibit them yourself, yet they do not define who you are. If your past relationships have been gruesome, intense, traumatizing, chaotic, and those alike…the more the reason to reflect inward in order to acknowledge and better understand the symptoms of those unhealthy relationships and how to regulate those symptoms. So it isn’t just about breaking the cycle of choosing toxic relationships, it’s also acknowledging the role you play in part of that cycle.
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