How would you describe a true friend? If you spent enough time thinking about it, there’s likely a fairly long list. Frankly, if you asked me 15 years ago, my list would be 10x as long. Now as an adult, my list is as unconventional as it is short.
I often remind myself with the question, “What *truly* matters in friendship?” Because at this point in my life (in my 30s), what matters now was likely un-thought of in my early 20s. I hadn’t yet understood the lessons friendship opened my eyes to, and how it is often mistreated within the lens of rose-colored glasses.
So while, of course, everyone believes a true friend is caring, loyal, and trustworthy – that just simply doesn’t cut it, anymore. In fact, it barely scratches the surface. And not in the way you probably think, because there are bigger things to consider when it comes to friendship. This is how you know they’re a true friend.
This is how you know you they’re a true friend
They do not treat or expect you to be their only or sole source of fulfillment
This one struck me pretty hard and invisibly in college. While I was consistently going in and out of heartbreak, I often reminded myself, “At least I have my friends in my life.” What I was relaying was, “I don’t know how to survive on my own.” And there came a point where I heavily depended on [the approval/acceptance of] those people – as in…being my only source of security and contentment. I expected the people who were in my life to be my one-all for everything I wasn’t receiving or willing/able to give myself.
Only years later, after many friendships drifted and relationships with those close to me shifted, do I realize that it is utterly insane to expect a singular person to provide everything I need and to make up for my unmet needs. I’ll make it easier to understand, ready?
You may need that friend who is always down and willing to listen to you vent when the reality is that friend won’t and isn’t always going to hold the emotional space to do so. You may depend on the commitment of getting together every Friday night when the reality is that friend will have other obligations and priorities that supersede you and your time together. You likely have your own nitty-gritty definition of a ‘true friend’ when the reality is their definition is probably different from yours in ways you might consider abominable. Psst, none of the above makes either side a bad person or friend, so keep reading.
They seek to understand and accept who you are
If you read the section above, that may have been a pretty tough pill to swallow. You know what makes a person special (as a friend)? Not what they do, give, provide, or have to offer…but their ability to truly “see” another for who they are, as they are. As human beings, we are not here in search of mirror images of ourselves in others. We may find it easier to connect with others who mimic relatable aspects of ourselves (or that we like to call “the bare minimum of human decency”), but relying solely on that kind of connection in others will never bring happiness or contentment.
There isn’t a single person on this planet that will have all or everything we’re searching for without something that isn’t. AKA, you won’t find anyone that doesn’t have an undesirable quality or attribute. We are each, in a greater sense, not enough of _something_ in the eyes of someone else. As for me, I already know that I have not been compassionate, optimistic, laid-back, outward/forward, or social enough to others.
What I’m getting at is you’re destined to find that friend who goes out of their way to make you feel included and important, but 9 times out of 10 they’re late for everything and fail at initiating or executing plans.
For example, I am a fairly socially anxious and more introverted person, yet I am a deep, open book to those closest to me. On the outside, this can easily be seen in the most negative light, especially to socially confident and extroverted individuals. If my friends were to seek in understanding and accepting who I am as a person, they would know that I heavily focus on preserving and protecting my own energy (and who I give it to), which means I am choosy about which type of social events I attend, often leave social gatherings early, or may cancel altogether without reason. If they truly understood me, they also know that this is not something personal against them. Annoying AF sometimes, yes. But when this is accepted, my friends understand the value of my time while also seeing the value in the time I do make for them because it requires me to give my all.
It isn’t our job to undermine the qualities in others that do not serve us in hopes of transforming them from a rock into a diamond. A true friend will protect and accept your “undesirable” differences without the need to change or conform, and they will focus on nurturing the qualities that positively connect you.
They hold space for you and themselves
Maybe this is new news to you, but society is enduring a major empathy crisis. Yet I feel like I can both agree and disagree on this. Personally, I think the crisis is understanding what empathy actually means as well as addressing the lack of empathy likely from our parents/caregivers as children. That being said, as individuals, we struggle with understanding true empathy while also holding space between ourselves and others. We likely grew up being told, by our parents, in the tragic event of scraping our knees from falling off our bike, “It’s okay – you’re fine,” while our worlds were quite literally crumbling in that moment because we were trying to navigate and feel our way through fear and pain. What we needed to hear was, “It’s okay to be hurt – that must be painful and scary – I’m here for you,” meanwhile we’re hearing, “You’re not dead, there’s no reason to cry, so stop.”
Empathy becomes totally lost in translation because parents fail to hold separation between themselves (their reality) and their children’s. Meaning, parents also likely didn’t receive or learn this space. Through true empathy, parents should be able to acknowledge that their child is scared and hurt and also know the likelihood of the event, to them, is not as scary or painful as it seems. Both can exist without dismissing the other – crazy concept, I know.
As for a more post-related example, let’s say your co-worker/friend royally f*cks up at work and ultimately gets fired. Did you know you can empathize with your friend from having experienced a pretty embarrassing and trivial situation and now facing the loss of income while still agreeing and believing they deserved to be fired?
What this space means between you | and | them is that you can allow others to honor their reality (thoughts, beliefs, feelings, etc.) while also honoring your own. Without this separation, there is no respect for autonomy. Without autonomy, there is no means of self-respect, acceptance, or responsibility. You may go looking for and depend on external validation and approval, and a sense of self then becomes lost, equated, and found through others.
So what does this separation of space mean in friendships? Well, for starters, a true friend will hold you accountable…for you. They will encourage you to make your own decisions, and the best ones, for you. A true friend can honor your feelings and emotions without denying, conforming, or trying to fix them. They will refrain from giving unsolicited advice, and instead ask questions in order to better understand your perspective while also allowing you to formulate and draw your own conclusions. Granted, offering suggestions and help is grossly seen as love and care; so while no one is a master at keeping their thoughts and opinions to themselves when it comes to those who matter, being proactive of this separation is key.
They respect your personal boundaries and differences
Boundaries are as critical as they are necessary in life. You aren’t human if you believe those around you are limitless – for lack of better words, the way you treat someone is always appropriate, acceptable, and welcomed. Your personal boundaries are for you, and to be respected by others.
But that goes without saying that not everyone will or is capable. Therefore, a true friend may not necessarily agree with your boundaries (in fact, they don’t have to), but they will surely honor and respect them, R-E-G-A-R-D-L-E-S-S. And if you believe the only way for a connection-based friendship to exist is without bounds or through crossed similarities, you’re greatly mistaken.
Both of my very close friends have differing views on “life” than I – some in very extreme ways, yet these differences do not make them inhumane, volatile, or ignorant. These considerably major, and even minor differences we share have ZERO impact on our friendship for as long as they are accepted and respected.
Whether that boundary has to do with the way you treat and invest in each other’s time, your differences in values and opinions (religion, politics, lifestyle, etc.), or how much and what information you share. Boundaries are, in a sense, the glue that keeps relationships together. Or, I like to call them: the ‘No Outlet’ roadways to keep you on the main path of connection.
They encourage and support your personal self-love and care
Ever feel guilty for wanting to cancel plans with a friend (who maybe you haven’t seen in a while) because you would rather spend that free time on yourself? At this point in my adult life, I stopped feeling guilty. And I ensure my friends they shouldn’t, either.
Fact: I’ve canceled on girl-time just to sit at home, stuff my face, binge watch a terrible TV show, and hang out with my dog all night. #notsorry
And honestly, a true friend would be all about it. Maybe they’re not so in tune with your day-to-day life shenanigans, but they should have an idea, and yet still be in support of prioritizing yourself. Not “for a change” – always, continuously, ongoing, constant, FIRST AND FOREMOST. That means they will encourage you to spend the weekend patching up a rocky situation in your relationship, walk alongside you as you battle or recover from a health crisis, and they will back you in your decision to forego that expensive girls’ trip to the beach because you’re trying to save money.