Actually, he’s not ghosting you (6 Signs)

Too often a label gets slapped on someone simply because we don’t like their behavior. The term ghosting in dating is one of them when, actually, he’s not ghosting you at all.

I realize I am stepping on hot coals and that even the title is likely to jolt even the most frustrated and disheartened when it comes to a common dating struggle of our recent generations. From personal experience in the dating world (and online dating realm), I had my own run-in with what would be classified as ghosting today, and also being accused of ghosting. I am also not condoning poor behavior, therefore I do not approve of ghosting as a way to end a relationship or cease a connection while dating (*yes, aside from the sometimes extreme and necessary circumstances). And from this post I am not, by any means, justifying the true nature and malicious intent behind ghosting. But let’s remember, by definition, what ghosting actually is.

It is the calculated ending of a mutually invested, intimate relationship or connection with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication and ceasing interaction altogether.

Some will even argue that the genuine nature of ghosting is considered psychological abuse. IMO, in terms of dating, I think that’s a bit of a stretch. We have to consider what *dating* actually means amidst the many that tend to treat dating like relationships. I don’t know about you, but for me, dating does not mean commitment or exclusivity, nor does it consist of or guarantee mutual connection or emotional investment.

Ghosting behavior has always existed – the behavior actually isn’t anything new. The term came to fruition, and its popularity of use when the behavior was exhibited in committed [exclusive], long-term relationships. But now it’s being used in the dating pool.

I really don’t want to be the one to say this but I feel it’s necessary: the label itself is widespread in dating today because 1. people are sensitive to rejection, take it too personally and wrongfully apply rejection to someone’s character, and 2. people invest and anticipate investment in a “contract-less” or non-exclusive and non-committal dynamic. *AGAIN, I’m not condoning ghosting behavior, but we need to better understand both sides to this problem as we are increasingly throwing around the word like vomit.

Nonetheless, it definitely sucks to feel played and betrayed by someone who you felt could be your soulmate after two weeks of knowing them or after getting up close and intimate fairly early on. Hookup culture doesn’t help a ghosting epidemic, either. But why else would society initiate dating as that buffer between singlehood and commitment if it weren’t for the sake of no strings attached? Nowadays you can be “ghosted” by someone after one date, or someone you’ve been solely exchanging romantic texts with for a short period of time.

With online dating as now an alternative source for romantic connection, we act like we’re not ghosting the very people who slide into our messages yet leave them on read because we simply don’t like what we see in their pictures or read on their profile. We could argue its ghosting because you’re going against supposedly dating online as to not judge a book by its cover and to expand your dating opportunities yet you won’t give someone the time of day, even for a “Hello”. But I won’t go there.

Unfortunately, when technology has made it a lot easier to seek, initiate, and make connections with others, it has also made it a lot easier to throw them away, pretend they don’t exist and move on to the next without having to consider or regard the other person.

So what changed? Well, back then (pre social media, texting, cell phone, and even internet era – let’s say) we weren’t always in constant contact. We also didn’t necessarily have the means to be anywhere, everywhere. But thanks to easy and demanding access to technology at our fingertips at all times, and in a million different avenues, we are consumed by the notion that we are entitled to zero-excuse, 24/7 access to other people’s time, effort and energy. Moreover, that our feelings must be regarded tenfold. Because of this, I believe we landed ourselves into an almost irreversible sinkhole of constantly raising the bar (*the standard*). Honestly, it’s no wonder everyone is let down easily and so disappointed by everyone all the time. Dating in itself is no longer an anticipated pleasure, but an ever-growing pain in the a**. It’s value has obviously heavily depreciated yet we depend on it exponentially.

*Phew*, and I haven’t even gotten to the good parts of this post. Bear with me.

With that said, I find the term ghosting, in dating, has become a default label replacement for passive disinterest or rejection, and is being misused as a way to avoid dealing with and moving on from our personal triggers. So listen up, because if you’re dating someone they may not actually be ghosting you.

Actually, he’s not ghosting you (6 Signs)

*As always, the thoughts, opinions and beliefs throughout this post are entirely my own.

They had to reinforce a boundary or violated boundary

Aside from the fact we are all likely to cross over some lines in the sand with others, even though we mean well, it may be hard of hearing when someone puts their foot down. LBR, especially when that someone is a fresh, romantic interest. And by putting their foot down, this may be on something seemingly not-a-big-deal *to you*. In fact, you might even say, and I’ll dance around this very lightly, this boundary may not even exist if they really liked you.

So when you “overstepped”, say, by befriending and reaching out to their friends and siblings on Facebook after Date #1 (whom you’ve yet to meet) or bopping by their place unannounced (after having slept there for the first time the night prior), to you this may be unapologetically normal or *acceptable* behavior. Except it may not be for them, and if they felt they had to address and express this to you so early on, they may be left with their own assumptions and a poor impression from having a bad taste in the mouth right out the gate.

I can attest to this from personal experience. It was dreadfully annoying to have to overly explain my 12-hr, chaotic work schedule to a *new* romantic interest. Not only that but as to why I was unable to or didn’t always reply in a “timely” manner to their repetitive, *anxious*-driven texts throughout the [work] day. Needless to say our dating mannerisms just did not align. I felt like it was wrong of me to have a boundary and to honor my personal limits – not wanting to feel smothered by someone I just met and had fragile, juvenile feelings toward.

Call it what you will – the situation may have been totally different if I was *head over heels* infatuated with this person from the start, but that isn’t considered a “healthy” reason to overlook or violate personal boundaries and limits, either.

Anyway, after addressing the issue, the behavior continued, which meant I did not need to explain or repeat myself and my decision to then go no contact thereafter. In my defense, I didn’t owe him anything because I wasn’t committed to him. And that’s something we need to reconsider in terms of dating.

[Related Read: Thanks to Hookup Culture, dating is now ruined]

THEREFORE, if they did – in some fashion – reinforce a boundary (especially more than once) or address their limit to you, to which you either failed to acknowledge or respect, and they went no contact…they’re not ghosting you.

And that’s just it – someone pushed my limit and that destroyed my interest in them, and we can’t act like this isn’t uncommon. There are certainly times when our limits are reached, where maintaining our internal peace is more important than having to over-explain ourselves or to salvage surface-level feelings for someone we hardly know.

They spelled out their need for space

When I was dating, as an adult seeking a relationship, space was a huge thing for me. Too many times I’m willing to admit, I experienced dating individuals where I felt my space was denied, violated, belittled, or disrespected. And when that occurred, or failed to resolve itself, I lost interest real quick. So if/when I had to request or demand space in a position where it wasn’t being considered or respected naturally or willingly, I didn’t really hesitate to move on.

Bottom line is, space [on some level] is crucial. Yet we typically believe someone we’re dating who actually wants or needs space is uninterested – tell me I’m wrong. As someone who deeply values my personal time, when I was reaaaaaallly interested in someone, I actually wanted to spend as much time with them as possible.

BUT, we really should gently extend the rope on this, especially when getting to know someone doesn’t equate to this anticipated entitlement of their sole interest, priority and time. Again, because even if I was truly, truly interested in someone, if they were insinuating I should play hooky from work or abandon my personal responsibilities in the name of being together as more important, the red flags would be flying high in the sky.

Some need more space than others, yet its still no surprise that space almost becomes null and void when you’re hot and bothered over someone who, yes, may also be hot and bothered over you, too. Hence why this statement remains, “If he really likes me he wouldn’t *need* or *want* space from me.” The dangers are a catch 22: it’s dangerous to expect someone to never want space (as proof of their love/interest) while it’s also dangerous to need or want *too much space* (from someone you love/interest).

Either way, I think it’s safe to say that if someone you’re only dating is asking for space or *has to* and, as a result, disappeared from the radar, it’s a fairly good indication that their feelings for you are not in alignment with yours for them. And I’m sorry but this does not mean he’s ghosting you.

They’ve made their intentions known and clear

Let’s talk casual. You know, you’re with someone who strictly told you from the beginning that they want to keep things light, free, and open – casual. Anything that spells *they just want to have fun* with zero strings, go with the flow, no commitments and can cancel their membership anytime (no fees and restrictions apply). Maybe that’s you, too – maybe you also just want casual.

Dating in and of itself is strictly casual. It doesn’t give people a free pass to be butthole human beings, but dating says, “Hey, if I don’t like you, no hard feelings, okay?” Dating means no one is tied to another, though we have the most difficult time understanding and accepting that. Casual is why dating exists in the first place, because its self-focused at its core. Dating is selfish – there, I said it, since many aren’t going to like it. Dating exists because people didn’t want to be “tied down” to just one person, nor did they want to be in anyone’s debt because dating was designed for ease and convenience. Nobody said dating was the perfect dynamic for everyone, and many will even go as far as to abuse it.

Then it is also safe to say that if someone you’re dating has made their casual intentions clear (and have not given you any inclination that says otherwise) then it is already established that they are not bound to you. Meaning they do not have to inform you if, when, how, or why it comes to an end. What happened to actions speak louder than words, anyway?

Now it seems people blame vague, misleading, or indirect wording or validation for steering them into believing feelings are mutual or that someone is interested. The thing is if the answer is not a hard Yes, it’s a No. So why are we assigning potential value to the things we shouldn’t? We need to be more aware and consider these fairly common scenarios:

• When you ask someone if they’re looking for a relationship and their response deflects or aims to dodge an affirmative Yes, like, “If the right person comes around, at the right time,” or “I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on things when you’re getting to know someone.” This is their way of going with the flow and seeking an “out” for when/if something better comes along.
• You notice they are treating you differently after you’ve been intimate, or because you’ve been intimate you experience the failed anticipation that their feelings for you would grow exponentially and that their affection for you would show. Unfortunately… sex in dating is not an indication, agreement, or confirmation of someone’s feelings, investment, commitment or respect for you.
• They tell you (or even show you) they are invested in you, but have never actually reinforced that it’s only you. They do this slyly by making you aware of how important/special you are and then counteracting with grossly specific red flags.

Unfortunately, the whole casual-ness aspect in dating can get a bit blurry (rightfully so if you’re not dating for exclusivity). It is that much more important to talk about or stand up for your end-goals or dating intentions upfront, which also comes with the risk of rejection and disappointment. But if you agree to something strictly casual and they have made their casual intentions known and clear…they’re not ghosting you when they casually decide to move on to wherever the wind blows them next.

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You’re not satisfied with what [answer] they’ve given you

Fact: nobody owes you anything – not even an explanation. You’ve been on a handful of dates with someone, and it’s going so well in your eyes but maybe you’re unsure on their end. Uncertainty is the red flag.

From my dating generation, as a Millennial, it wasn’t ghosting if someone wasn’t obviously showing signs of interest, or if they dwindled from the limelight – stopped calling and texting, made excuses for not getting together, consistently cancelled plans, completely went MIA and was never to be seen, or heard from again. That simply meant they weren’t or were no longer interested. We didn’t call it anything else – we took it at face value and moved on.

We can cry immaturity and lack of human decency all we want, but time and time again we are told by professionals that we are also allowed to change our minds and walk away, without explanation, even if that means going no contact. For instance,

• No longer entertaining drama/gossip or engaging with a friend who said things about you behind your back.
• Not responding to [flirtatious/forward] DMs, texts, or phone calls from those attempting to “pursue” you who you’re not interested in.
• Deleting/blocking accounts/individuals (on social media) that do not or no longer serve you or “spark joy” in your life.
• Going “no contact” with family members or ex-partners who are not or no longer a positive influence, support system or role model in your life.
• Declining or not responding to an offer or invitation with or without reason.

Are we reading too much into things? When we encounter someone who displays disinterest in dating, are we reading too much into who that person is and our own worth? Yet we don’t think too much of it when we walk in those very behaviors ourselves because, LBR, “it’s okay unless someone does it to me“. That doesn’t necessarily make it okay, but I think ghosting behaviors highlight answers we’re simply not satisfied with or willing to accept. For example, in dating:

• When their effort starts to fizzle or their behavior goes hot and cold; the frequency and quality of their texts or phone calls, and their efforts to initiate, make and commit to plans dwindles. This has always been called Bread-crumbing.
• When they are wishy-washy with their feelings for you; one minute they show you they like you and then you’re doubting it the next. They can’t be up front and honest with how they feel about you.
• When they refuse or fail to prioritize or consider your time, energy and effort; you continue to prioritize your energy, effort and time into them while tolerating low-quality behaviors or even maltreatment.
• When they fail to or wrongly acknowledge your innate value; they refuse to show up because they’re more focused on what you bring to the table.

Remember, poor, undesirable behavior and maltreatment is also an answer. No answer is also an answer…it’s not always ghosting. It just may not be the answer [confirmation] you’re satisfied with.

You’re hyper-focused on their behavior

Everyone and their mother should know that – by now – there are circumstances (and we know they exist) where ghosting is actually encouraged or necessary. You might say ceasing contact – especially in dating – is necessary for an instance where someone simply isn’t accepting of rejection.

Moreover, there are obviously common scenarios that may leave you in a place of uncertainty, doubt, or insecurity – circumstances where someone you’re dating goes MIA and you go, “WTF just happened?” When someone isn’t blatantly interested in you seemingly out of nowhere, of course it’s normal to wonder where and what went wrong. It is natural to want closure with someone you care about, though if you know me from some of my other posts, we can’t always expect to get the closure we want nor are we to depend on it for moving on.

On that note, is it really THAT important to know that someone you were just dating (who you barely scratched the surface with) was no longer interested because of said quirk, hobby, passion, character trait, personality-type, lifestyle, core value, or dating standard…as if that has ZERO chance of being desirable to the next person? They’re not ghosting you if they only skimmed the surface and dipped over something menial and baseless they didn’t like about you.

They never actually initiated or insinuated interest in the first place

Now I understand this one can be a little confusing, because why would someone play house if they weren’t at all interested in buying? The people who ghost are predominantly those who, at one point, seem or appear interested, right? Or, rather, they’re receptive. Well, I think there are some pretty simple explanations to consider.

• People like to talk. Whether they’re interested or find you interesting or not. We can’t act like it’s impossible to interact with someone solely out of the desire to conversate if for no other reason. The same reason we can’t assume that just because a stranger converses with you they suddenly and automatically want to be your friend.
• People like the attention. Hello, there are those who will nurse the bottle they’re being fed even if they won’t go back for seconds. Let’s not pretend the flattery isn’t nice to enjoy without further motives, reciprocation or returning the favor.
• Ladies, there are far and FEW reasons guys will turn down an opportunity. When I say guys will shoot their shot, I mean it, with or without interest. Plainly, it would surprise me to know that there are guys who won’t have sex with someone their not interested in, especially if the offer presented itself right in their face. But I rarely find that level of self-restraint, and common sense, to be the default. That being said, guys are much, much less likely to turn down the opportunity regardless of whether they’re interested.

We really can’t take every single act or word as assumed interest. Receptivity does not mean guaranteed interest, either. So when he says, “If I wasn’t interested I wouldn’t have replied back,” we really shouldn’t automatically assign that as true in every given situation. It’s a mere stepping stone, not direct confirmation. Hence why I have trouble with the whole, “I don’t have to prove anything to anyone [I date],” because what this says is, “I don’t care enough to show someone I’m interested in or to show up when I’m interested.“

As difficult as it may be, ladies, we’re really good at taking a, “I had a really good time tonight,” as to mean, “I want to marry you.” So no wonder it burns like hell when a guy says that to ultimately never get back with you about a next date. Fact of the matter is, the wordage is nice and all but it doesn’t affirm interest. He could have legitimately had a good time…when that may be totally true, but that simply be it.

We already say it enough, “They wouldn’t [reach out, ask for your number, set up a date to meet, call you the next day, text you goodnight, etc.] if they weren’t interested,“…but we really have to be careful that we aren’t labeling everything as interest or blowing things up bigger than they are, especially right off the bat.

Interest is genuine when it is built and earned, not paid. Meaning, interest isn’t based on singular words or actions, it’s a cumulative foundation. That doesn’t mean we go on claiming everything as disinterest or deceptive interest, either. A person’s true intentions are exhibited over time, consistently. Yet we tend to fall for the trickery in that a simple text response equates to the value of I Love You because we personally assign the value of that thing.

So even if he asked for your number, that doesn’t insinuate genuine interest if he never calls. You literally can’t ghost something that never was or that you didn’t have in the first place (which is proof of his genuine, forthright interest).