Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two major Holidays for couples and new relationships where it may seem like you’re stepping on one another’s toes. Whether you celebrate the Holidays or not, it’s important to consider Holiday expectations in your relationship.
In a previous post, I talked about how the Holidays can make or break new relationships. Regardless of how joyous and giving this time of year is supposed to be, the Holidays can also bring tension among couples and especially new relationships.
As a now married woman, my family has now doubled (which is a blessing, no doubt), but as far as having to share the Holidays with two separate families as well as devote to the one my husband and I just created together – it can be a nightmare.
It wasn’t until I was in my early to mid-twenties when I began to see the significance of sharing the Holidays with my SO at the time. Otherwise, the Holidays for me meant “family” and, well, being that I wasn’t married I never considered “boyfriends” as family. I know I’m likely stepping on some toes simply by saying that, but let me explain that a bit better for you.
It’s not that I didn’t have the desire to share and spend the Holidays with my boyfriend(s) at the time, it was that there was simply no pressure to involve them or be involved in their own family Holiday traditions. Majority of the time, it was understood that we go our separate ways.
Now that I am older, having had more serious relationships and 2 years into marriage, I have begun to understand the meaning behind having Holiday expectations, and learning that my husband has his very own. It is critical to share these Holiday expectations in your relationships, and marriage, as well as create and implement your own Holiday traditions as a couple.
This is why it’s important to talk about Holiday traditions as a couple
holiday stress can strain any relationship
Not everyone grows up with the same core family values (including around the Holidays), nor do we all share the same Holiday traditions.
Many have big families with yearly traditions, while some may have no relations with their immediate or extended family at all. With that, some may not have strict Holiday traditions or any at all during the Holiday season. It isn’t as uncommon as you think for people to not recognize or celebrate major Holidays the way you do. You also need to factor in that some may not have the luxury of having time off work.
Differences in family dynamics, as well as Holiday expectations and traditions can also put a strain on couples. With financial stress already being a factor, family pressure and personal satisfaction are other voids to fill during the Holiday season.
Can it likely be stressful for someone who is used to spending the Holidays with just their parents to now be sharing their expectations with someone who has huge family gatherings of their own? Of course, and vice versa.
So why is it stressful?
To start, sacrificing isn’t always easy (even when it’s worth it for the sake of the relationship). Unmet needs and expectations can cause resentment and frustrations at this time of year, especially when the sacrifice seems off balance. With the added pressure from family and avoiding disappointment – you know, because you’ll never hear the end of it from your mother if you miss even one Holiday gathering – it can feel that you are in the middle of tug-o-war between what’s important and what’s right.
It’s important to discuss your Holiday traditions early on in the relationship, as well as to take the pressure off of Holiday expectations. Figure out, individually and as a couple, what is or isn’t necessary – draw the line at what point in your relationship it would be appropriate to blend each of your Holiday expectations.
With my husband’s job (and mine at the time when we met), it wasn’t unusual for us to have to work on major Holidays. We also didn’t pressure one another into sacrificing Holiday expectations. Meaning, if I wanted to spend Christmas with my family and he with his – we simply agreed to go our separate ways. By the time we moved in together, this naturally became a point in our relationship to start accommodating one another’s family Holiday traditions as a couple.
Nonetheless, now a married woman, there are still Holidays I spend without him (while he works), but we remain forgiving and make it work together in our own least stressful way.
one’s family is not more important than the other’s
And this is the truth – whether you’re an only child or that of 133 cousins, 38 aunts and uncles, and 8 brothers and sisters – multiplying that by two if you were to count both sides of your family. So when you’re in a relationship, you may ultimately be battling up to 4 families during the Holidays.
Plus, that doesn’t even include split [divorced] households.
It may be impossible to divide the time evenly, especially when airfare is involved. What’s most important is ensuring that you and your partner have this understanding, and not to minimize one another’s family values and Holiday traditions. Hence the significance and respect of boundaries with family, in-laws and your partner as well.
This means neither partner automatically gets a pass, the leg up or short end of the stick.
mutual satisfaction will require compromise
Like in every aspect of relationships, meeting each other’s Holiday expectations will require sacrifice and compromise.
Whether that means you rotate each year whose family does what and gets what day, or splitting up the time based on both of your expectations – pick and choose what aspects are most important to both of you. It shouldn’t mean you will get them all, if at all, every single time.
Like I said above, unless the pressure is off and you don’t mind spending the Holidays separately, it will be impossible to get away from expectations always being one-sided.
While much of my young adulthood I spent the Holidays with just my parents (which to many may seem like nothing compared), I couldn’t imagine giving up every Holiday for my spouse simply because he had bigger, more elaborate family traditions.
Though, in that case, it would seem I would be giving up far less than my spouse in terms of compromise.
Basically, if my ideal Holiday expectation was to spend Christmas Day in the comfort of our home with just my spouse, that has more than enough value to be respected.
So don’t forget, compromise has no limitations. It won’t always be down the middle, nor will it always be one sided.
when + why it’s time to implement expectations as a couple
When is ultimately between you and your partner. Why is also up to personal interpretation and between you and your partner.
There are many reasons to implement your own Holiday expectations and traditions as a couple, though for many it may seem unfeasible or untimely, such as in early or fairly young relationships.
First things first: I’m not talking about your ritual ice skating every year when the rink opens December 1st. I mean the mutual agreement to sacrifice and utilize your time together as a couple on actual Holidays.
For instance, you and your partner may decide to want to spend Christmas Eve together…alone.
Recently my husband and I have started our own family tradition of spending Christmas morning together, rather than bouncing back and forth between our families. While we still spend most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with extended family, we want to avoid this becoming their “expectation” by creating healthy boundaries.
You might start your own traditions when you and your partner have reached a major milestone in your commitment (such as getting engaged, or having a child), as it becomes too stressful to fulfill one another’s Holiday expectations and spending the Holidays separate is simply a no-go.
It may be many years and many stressful Holidays before couples realize how much creating their own traditions can have a positive impact on their relationship.
I know many couples who traveled far and wide in order to get together with each of their family members on major Holidays. To them two or three days a year aren’t ones to fight or compete with. But it’s my understanding that these days are far overrated with importance if those are the only days you actually spend with family. That is where the Holiday season can become inevitably “stressful” or dreadful for many.
This accumulates a lot of unnecessary guilt, stress and resentment, especially on each other, which goes against the entire meaning of the Holiday season. Instead some may cut down on the number of trips (if not all together on given Holidays), have created their own expectations as a couple and instead reinforce the Holidays as the time to be present together as a family of their own.
Creating your own Holiday traditions allows you to have expectations to fulfill together, as well as creating healthy boundaries between extended family. Your expectations together now become “we” instead of “I“. It also helps you to bond and connect with your partner (through priority and understanding), creating intimacy and relieving of stress through the Holidays by putting your relationship first.
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