Sometimes I feel like the meaning of respect gets watered down, you know? We pick and choose what suits our definition best (or what resonates most). Like, respect is how we treat others. Or, respect is having high regard or admiration for someone. Or, respect is simply human decency, no matter what.
In regard to respect pertaining to the dating world, I tend to notice its lackluster even more…increasingly. And maybe it’s just different with the times. It’s like we neglect or minimize its appeal and requirement, just like vulnerability. The two go hand in hand, yet I think today we avoid or excuse it at all costs, thanks to our past painful experiences. For example, because that guy cheated on you now no man is deserving of your respect.
It’s not always easy to respect someone who blatantly hurts you or even disrespects you. Welcome to the flawed human condition at its finest! No but, in all seriousness, maybe that’s why respect – in dating and relationships – is often treated like trust, where it is to be earned than given freely.
All I know is, listen, respect is a bare minimum – it’s not conditional, and doesn’t need to be earned, deserving, or proven. If it’s not [already] there, it wasn’t intended to be. So when a man respects you, to sum it all up, he wants you to know for certain.
*The End!*
Totally kidding. But before you read the rest of this post, think about what it means to respect and be respected. Now ask yourself how you know when a man (whom you are getting to know or are in a relationship with) respects you.
A man who respects you will want you to know..
Frankly, respect is often viewed, understood, and performed on surface-level tendencies. When you really think about it, respect can actually be offensive today, especially in the dating world. There’s literally women out there who believe it’s disrespectful of a guy to open doors for a woman, because to them it implies men believe women to be incapable.
We also have a tough time understanding and accepting the fact that we can respect someone AND not agree with or support them on something. Plus, we should also know [by now] that anyone can show “respect” by lavishing you, knowing consent, and being cordial…while still being deceptive or unfaithful, right?
Maybe it’s just me but respect has to be a lot deeper, more or less obvious. Like, when a man truly respects you…he’s willing and able to accept that respect isn’t only within the bounds of his own comfort. Yours, too! It isn’t necessarily doing what’s easy, it’s doing what’s right. So when a man respects you (and I mean truly respects you), he WANTS you to know…
When a man respects you, he WANTS you to know..
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
How he feels [for you] + where you stand [in his life]
No need for hint-dropping, doubting, wondering, and questioning because he’s already ahead of you. And in all honesty, really, we should know by now that a man truly likes you when it’s obvious, not uncertain. It will be a progression of growth with consistency, not this high and low climatics or theatrics.
And he will not only show it but also express it. Granted, this does not necessarily denounce the large (and probable) majority who struggle with identifying and expressing their feelings, especially when and how others are looking for it. Therefore, he won’t call you needy for asking, or seeking clarity and reassurance, either.
But here’s the tea: a man who respects you won’t use his feelings (or lack thereof) and yours against you, or to his advantage. And he respects you too much to ghost you.
In short, he values keeping you up-to-date (and not just when you ask it) and staying on the same page (that equally prioritizes and satisfies you both) as well as letting you know if/when any changes or unalignment presents itself. Quite literally, the last thing he wants to do is lead you on or waste one another’s time, let alone risk losing you altogether by “playing it cool” with his feelings and yours.
So while you may be itching for exclusivity (the title, commitment, monogamy) and he’s just not there yet – he won’t go along a pace that exceeds his feelings for you, even if it’s the pace you want. For instance, if you’re ready to take the next step – be boyfriend and girlfriend – when he’s not, he may insist on not staying the night at one another’s place. From a modern worldview, we would pick this apart and say he’s not interested or is being deceptive, when that assumption can be further from the truth.
Many of you won’t like this one, but a man doesn’t respect you if his desire to sleep with you exceeds his feelings for you. See what I did there? So we need to reframe this thinking that positively considers respect at the forefront. Another way of saying that is: respectfully, a guy can be both interested in you AND want to take a slower pace (by not sleeping together or staying at one another’s place).
When there’s someone else
Fact: the person you’re dating doesn’t necessarily have to tell you they’re seeing other people. Also, fact: you have every right to know if the person you’re dating is. Therefore, respect chooses the latter.
JUST because you’re dating (no strings attached and minus commitment) doesn’t negate the [rightful] ability to opt-out, especially due to circumstantial and possibly sensitive information. Basically, you have every right to [want to] stop dating someone based on whether they’re dating someone else. But if he is withholding other key players when it comes to his feelings and intentions concerning you, he is also withholding your right to decide in terms of your involvement between him and someone else.
When there’s zero informed consent, your ability to choose is not respected. And we know how vital informed consent is these days, don’t we? But when a man respects you, he will want you to know if/when there is someone else – taking up space in his mind and heart, his time and energy, or even in his bed – out of decency and for your dignity, choice of freedom and happiness.
Your best interest is parallel to his own
It’s like the saying goes, he can’t hurt you without ultimately hurting himself. This is evident and understood to a man who has the utmost respect, whether he’s known you a week, a month, or a year. Then what does this mean exactly, when you’re *just* dating, and what does it look like?
Let’s be real, the guy who truly likes you, values, and respects you…is going to take a bullet for you. And no, no, no, no…he doesn’t have to be in Love with you to do so. There’s that. From the slightly less extreme approach, if you’re both walking on the sidewalk…he’s going to be the one walking closest to the ongoing traffic. But let’s dig a little deeper because we can’t only see it from one angle.
Having your best interest means taking into significant account of your feelings, your needs, wants and desires even if they do not align with or benefit his own.
- A call to let you know he will be or is running a little late for your date, rather than just accepting his tardiness with an explanation on standby.
- [In the event you both agree to seeing other people while dating] Let’s say his feelings for someone else have exceeded his feelings for you. He will take initiative to stop pursuing you out of respect for your feelings and intentions as well as for the other party involved, and he will share this initiative with you.
- Him choosing not to engage in something that you/they may feel intrudes or compromises, or jeopardizes your connection – i.e., declining a one-on-one invitation to happy hour after work with an attractive coworker.
Though this does not mean his feelings, needs, wants, and desires no longer or should not matter. Rather, at this point, what he decides to do (his choices, with his life) is ultimately up to him; where the idea of having each other’s best interest not only means accepting the consequences when we don’t but that it won’t always guarantee getting our way or everything we want. So, in some cases, him having your best interest can look like:
- Him accepting a new job offer states away while informing you he isn’t emotionally equipped to take on a long distance relationship OR choosing to forgo a new job offer because his feelings for you, the relationship and his current job exceed the benefits of a new opportunity.
[Related Read: Has hookup culture replaced dating culture?]
He values common courtesy
This isn’t a complex issue, and he understands why, too. One that is often taken out of context, many treat common courtesy as restrictive and sacrificial in our more self-focused culture today. As if others don’t deserve or need courtesy, especially if courtesy is at our expense.
A sign of respect that is DEEPLY undervalued, he’s simply not going to overthink it. This being just one measly example: he’s going to let you know [when and where] he’s hanging out with the guys. [Bomb-drop]
But here’s the best part – he sincerely WANTS you to know because he values connection over personal sovereignty (i.e., gatekeeping potentially sensitive information as well having a sense of entitlement to secrecy). He KNOWS he doesn’t have to fill you in on anything about his life or day to day (which, logically, he won’t about everything), that he has the choice to keep to himself but he also understands what it means to respect the foundation of any healthy relationship.
In fact, since he values you, he will treat common courtesy like it’s your right to know. Why? Because he knows a relationship is not only built on trust, but that reinforced trust is not a form of oppression. Ongoing reassurance is a courtesy, period, because where you benefit from courtesy so does he.
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Where the line(s) are drawn
You know, limits – boundaries. As much as we’re told to take up space, we are to respect other’s space as well. But how often are we guilty of feeling some type of way when a romantic interest puts their foot down about something, especially when you were expecting it. This suddenly makes them out to be [too] *whatever* for simply having boundaries let alone responding to when those boundaries are crossed.
Worse off, many often view romantic interests with unhealthy boundaries (or none) as more appealing/*sexy because it’s attributed to their heightened feelings for them. Let me explain using an example. Somehow it’s considered respectful (or *sexy*) when a guy is in constant contact with you regardless of what they’re/you’re doing and what they/you have going on (because this somehow really displays their Like, Love and interest).
LBR, in the name of romance and chemistry, boundaries oftentimes go out the window. Hence why when they suddenly pop up later on there’s that icky feeling about it simply because we’ve gotten away with dismissing or violating them.
We must be able to acknowledge our own discomfort (and why this may be triggering) when someone shares a boundary with us instead of deeming them as being disrespectful. For example, him wanting space (aka, for you to stop texting him incessantly and unnecessarily) when he is hanging out with his friends, to which he might say, “Hey, I’m out with friends right now and I’ll talk to you later on.”
A real man isn’t afraid to be real with you…such as when he isn’t comfortable with you slyly taking over his place (i.e., decorating without his consent or knowing), doesn’t like sharing food (i.e., where you feel entitled to it without asking), and won’t tolerate rude or hateful comments toward his roommate (i.e., simply because he’s around the living space too much). Therefore, if he respects you he will be direct about where he draws the line because this serves to preserve and protect the connection you have and/or are building.
Since he knows his limits, and upholds them, he also knows you [should] have them, too. Not only does he respect that you have boundaries, but he wants to [help you] honor them. And there’s a way to do both, respectfully, rather than anticipating boundaries to be non-existent or less burdensome simply because lovey-dovey feelings are involved.
You are a priority, but not the only one
We have a tendency to take this the wrong way, on both extremes. Vice versa, too! To be considered a priority somehow has to mean that you are placed above or equal in value to something or someone [else].
*This is not to confuse your inherent, intrinsic value as a human being – nobody else determines or dictates that.
BUT, it isn’t sensible to be the one and only priority in someone’s life. And there’s respect on a whole other level when a man is an example of what embodies a realistic, healthy relationship when it comes to managing his life priorities (this includes responsibilities, too). Committing to someone on a romantic level doesn’t mean “I have no life because you are my life” and vice versa. You are still two whole individuals with or without each other and your commitment to one another.
For example, you balance a multitude of things that are important to you in your day-to-day life. Your job, family, friends, culture, religion/faith and hobbies, as well as personal self-care, rest, and responsibilities [duties, basic needs, hardship] such as cooking healthy meals, budgeting, and mental health – the list goes on. These are significant priorities that encompass your life, who you are and what holds value to you throughout.
A man who respects you certainly doesn’t want to be the ONLY thing you got going on, let alone be readily willing to sacrifice everything else for (by losing yourself in him). Let that one sit for a moment – go back and re-read that again if you need.
He likes you/fell in love with you for a reason, right? He loves the fact that you…still make time for friends and family, put time and effort into the hobbies you love, work hard at your job, commit to honoring God and your relationship with Him, value true wealth rather than storing up luxuries, go out of your way to help people whenever you get the chance, go to bed early for a good night’s rest instead of staying up late, enjoy traveling to new places, and take consistent strides to just be but also to allow yourself to grow, wholly.
Now I’m not saying he isn’t flattered and appreciative of the fact you turn down girls’ night to take care of him when he’s sick as a dog. What I am saying is sacrifice is a very healthy aspect of relationships. Yet many seemingly and unconsciously desire to be top tier, on the pedestal where only one thing can reside at a time above all else. We want to be at the top of that pedestal, permanently, at all times but we fail to understand that we simply can’t and won’t be someone else’s be all end all infinitely. Besides, in the human experience, that’s a risky position because it can also be the most disappointing without the ability to extend forgiveness and grace in return.
All in all, there’s that fine balance between serving each other (going above and beyond, or in sacrifice) and losing yourself completely in the other. Respectfully, he wants you to know that while, yes, you are a [top-tier] priority to him in his life…you aren’t and won’t be the only one/*thing.
He isn’t perfect, and neither are you
The man who respects you will undoubtedly treat you right – 100%. But will he be perfect? Will he *always* say all the right things at all the right times, do all the nice things when he should just know and just because, and will he be who you need him to be in a moment’s notice without your correction and guidance?
Um, no. He will make mistakes, he will say and do things he’ll regret (that will disappoint you), and he’ll go through uphill battles and trivial moments that trigger and inconvenience you. And he knows you will, too, because you’re not perfect, either, which is why respect comes with grace and mercy.
Being merciful is too hard when being merciless has convinced people it makes them feel better (about themselves). Except the guy who respects you knows that its better to bend than to break, which means he acknowledges his imperfectness (and yours). He isn’t in denial of his ability of making mistakes (and yours). Rather he strives to hold himself (and you) accountable because he knows this not only builds trust but creates endurance, humility and closeness.
And when you strive for grace and mercy over shame and vindictiveness, you will notice how easy it is to overcome and bounce back from those petty disagreements, conflict, or even bigger trials. Because when a man respects you, those things hold no power in the relationship.
