Besides the usual ‘How was your day?’ in the mix of your conversational routine with your spouse, are you making a point to connect with your spouse every day? Hopefully, ‘How was your day?’, is the bare minimum. It’s not that the mundane questions aren’t thoughtful and connection-focused, but you know who else likely asks your spouse those similar questions? Co-workers, their boss, friends…maybe even their mom.
What I’m trying to say is…if you’re reaaaallly striving to create and deepen that intimacy and connection with your partner, we’re gonna need to do better than that. Because let’s face it…’How was your day?’ doesn’t require much. We ask complete strangers how they are on a regular basis without much thought or effort.
What we discuss in this post:
It’s okay. We all do it – we all ask the simple-minded, comfortable, clock-work-like questions day after day. Why? Because we do care, we want to know more…we may just be stuck in that comfortable box. Eventually, though, growth wears thin and stagnancy settles in. Growth requires movement, or stepping outside that confined box.
That’s why I created The Couple’s Connection Workbook as well as The Couple’s Daily, Weekly, Monthly and Yearly Check-In Journal – designed to do just that.
Your daily routine to connect with your spouse may be at the dinner table, or as you both are unwinding down from work-mode by watching TV. It’s important to note that while you’re making an effort (in time) to create intimacy and nurture that connection that you’re also making the most of it – not simply killing two birds with one stone or treating it as a check-off your list of To-Dos or Partner-Obligations.
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How to connect with your spouse every day [Conversation starters]
It’s important to set aside any differences you may have, such as who carries the greater load or who should ask who first. Next requires your own vulnerability – being able to take in and accept feedback you may not want to hear (that which may come across as criticism), and to focus on transforming that feedback into an opportunity for growth rather than succumbing to your defenses. Lastly, in order for that genuine connection to exist, you must remember that these are questions to be asked empathetically – meaning you as a witness, not a judge.
Inquire about their needs and offer your help/support
Being intentional about one another’s needs and offering help or support does not mean being mind-readers OR accepting the all-knowing role by assuming what they want.
Being intentional simply means inquiring. That’s it. Inquiring is about creating safety in the relationship – for your partner to feel comfortable having needs, having those needs met and being open to sharing their feelings in times of need of help and support.
“I can tell you’re [insert feeling/emotion] frustrated [optional: ‘about…what your dad said to you on the phone’], and I’m here to listen. Do you want to get this off your chest?“
“How can I be more supportive/helpful [optional: ‘ as you prepare for your interview this week’]?“
“Is there anything you need that you’re not getting from me? “(In other words or ask additionally: ‘How can I better fill your cup?’)
“Evenings winding down have been stressful lately (i.e., baby, work, time-management). What can I do to make this time together more enjoyable/peaceful?“
“How can I be a better team-player for us?“
“In what ways do you feel you can rely on me most?” (Follow up question: ‘How can I make you feel safe in relying on me?’)
“What can I do to take some of the load off your shoulders?“
Be self-accountable
Being vulnerable also means being responsible and holding yourself accountable for your part [your role] in the relationship. No partner is perfect at getting things right – by any means – for as long as you’re receptive to and accepting of that truth. This includes hearing the hard truths where you may have hurt your spouse’s feelings, or you haven’t been meeting their needs.
The idea isn’t to be or become perfect, but the goal always remains the same: proactively showing up and striving to give your spouse the best of you instead of expecting them to settle for the worst.
“When was a time last that I made you feel loved? “(Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel unloved?)
“When was a time last that I made you feel respected?” (Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel disrespected?)
“When was a time last that I made you feel appreciated?” (Follow up question: what is something I’ve done lately that makes you feel unappreciated?)
[2-Part] “Is there anything you’ve felt uncomfortable sharing with me?” and “What can I do to ensure or create a safe space for you?“
[2-Part] “Has anything threatened or compromised your trust (that you’ve kept to yourself)?“and “What can I do to reinforce your trust?“
Notice the little, minute details
In order to even connect with your partner at all, you have to want to know your partner. And not just for the things you like about them or already “know”. It’s being genuinely interested in their interests, passions, and experiences, even if you don’t like or resonate with them at all. Basically, connecting with your partner also requires seeing them for the person they are outside of yourself and the marriage. This may not be as easy as it seems.
(Because you saw this half laughing, half beaming smile on your partner’s face as they walked in the door from work) “You seemed happy walking in the door – what brought you delight today?“
(You know your partner has a passion for reading, and they just started a new book) How is that new book you started reading? (Follow up question(s): What do you like/don’t like about it so far? What are your predictions of how it will end?)
(You know a particular event or situation has been on your partner’s mind lately) “I know you have been hoping for an apology from your mom – have you heard from her recently?“
(You know your partner has a particular interest in something you do not and/or know nothing about) “Do you know if your [favorite band] is having a concert nearby this year? I know how much you love them.“
(You greet your partner with something they enjoy, but also because this gives you an idea of how they’re day went) “Can I … pour you a beer… make you some tea… order us some takeout… help you undress… join you in the shower?“
You can’t express too much gratitude (synonyms: honor, indebtedness, recognition)
Gratitude goes beyond a simple ‘thank you’ – even if that’s saying thank you to the things you expect, where no thanks is really needed. So just because it’s their “one job” to take the trash out on Tuesdays – thank them, anyway.
It’s time to leave the mindset that preaches otherwise because everyone desires to be recognized for what they do, no matter how big or small. Acknowledging those things day after day – I promise – can facilitate that closeness many are longing for with their spouse.
“If nobody told you today, I appreciate you going above and beyond for us.“
“Thank you for always remembering trash day and taking it out. What do you think makes us a good team?“
(Switch up how you express ‘thanks’) “It makes me proud to see the passion you have for your job [aka. ‘thank you for working so hard’]. What’s your biggest motivator when it comes to hard work?“
“You deserve [a break, some me-time, relief]. What can I do for you tonight so you can relax?“
“It means so much that my goals are important to you. It feels like standing on top of a mountain above the clouds at sunset. When you accomplished […], what did that feel or look like?“
