My First Year Of Marriage [What I Learned To Embrace]

Being married a year has been an adventure like no other. And the best part is this one lasts a lifetime.

Sure, with the ups and downs, the whirlwinds of different emotions and day to day changes and challenges – it’s sometimes hard to believe so many things can happen in a year, and we have how many to go? There are moments for me when it seems like time itself is moving so slow, and other times where it goes by way too fast.

And then I blink, and think back just short of a few years ago when my husband wasn’t even a part of my life yet – I’m still amazed today this is where I am, with the most amazing man I wished and dreamed for. It’s like God made him and sent him to me at just the opportune time in my life.

Nonetheless, he sure is a gift I’ve been given.

Although, in this year of marriage, I would be lying if I said nothing much has changed. If you asked me whether being married feels any different – no, it doesn’t. In fact, I feel more. Even with that, there has still been a lot of growing taking place between us, especially now as a married couple. There are things I have had to take into account more often than I did before. Through these 9 lessons I learned in my first year of marriage, my hope is to shed some light on what is to be expected for engaged or newlywed couples.

My first year of marriage [What I Learned To Embrace]

1 | Love is a choice, not a feeling

This I learned and now understand ten folds since being married. Love is not about what you gain; nor is it the spark or the romance within your relationship.

Marriage is actually not even about you.

I think everyone anticipates entering marriage thinking it will last a lifetime effortlessly – while you sit back, sip your latte and watch the ever-flowing bliss unfold.

I wish.

Let me be real here: romance fades, the honeymoon phase dwindles, the spark you once had for one another will dissolve. It will seem as if you are just roommates from time to time. Basically, that thin layer of what society brainwashes you into thinking a relationship consists of will go away – especially if you allow it.

No matter what anyone says, marriage has its ups and downs. It’s about how you deal with those lulls and inevitable change of seasons within a marriage. It’s about making the choice to commit to that love through the ups and downs, at our best AND our worst, and with the changes in seasons.

The key is that I strive to love my husband the very same way the Lord has chosen to love me – without limitations and unconditionally.

Far too many believe that once that fiery passion is gone, or when a person has changed (that your spouse is no longer the person you married) – it means you have lost the Love for that person.

That isn’t necessarily true here. Love is a choice. To Love is a choice, even through the inevitable changes.

That fiery passion in the beginning? You chose that with someone, which took your effort in creating from Day 1 (even if it didn’t feel that way).

As for continuing that fiery passion? You had that choice from Day 1 to make that effort continue. You have a choice to make that commitment to Love, and not be controlled by your ever-changing feelings (you know, through those ups and downs).

Do I feel the romance – that insane, boiling passion and spark – every moment since being married? Hold your breath when I say this, but no. That doesn’t mean I don’t Love my husband any less – if anything I Love him more. I chose to marry my husband not just because it felt right at the time, but because I chose him.

I choose life and Love with him through the ups and downs.

2 | Communication all the way

Simply this. If you don’t have it, or enough of it – you’re in for a trickle down slope to the negatives, my friend. Yes, you are still your own person in this game of life, but you also made the choice to be one with another – opening that great big heart and soul of yours, and sharing your life together.

It’s not just about you anymore. I say that lightly because you still matter, very much, and there should always be a part of you that embraces self love.

In marriage, however, you are now devoted to giving one another the respect you each deserve. There should be no more mind reading or carrying over secrecy as a way to maintain individuality. If you are married, you have rationally accepted being a mature adult, and should already be at a point where you want to give your partner the same respect you demand for yourself.

It should come easy being open and honest about your feelings, choices, beliefs, decisions, wants, desires, differences and doubts.

Yes, even if your partner may not agree or commend you every time. You will very quickly need to realize the true meaning behind agree to disagree (this is much bigger than you think).

Remember, there is also the courtesy factor. Now that I am married, I have learned that it’s important to not only communicate of that listed above, but also in terms of putting my husband’s best interest ahead of my own. This level of respect goes so far beyond what is considered expected in relationships. Much of it comes from the natural willingness to be transparent, but most see this courtesy as a form of submission or control (when that’s not the intent in marriage).

Let me better explain. My husband and I live a life on different schedules, so it’s crucial to factor in both our plans, timing, future endeavors, and conflict of interests. More importantly, communicating these things as simply a way of respect.

Do I let him know what time I will be home from girls night (as well as update him if I am to be running late)? Yes.

Does he ask if I need anything when he drops by the store on his way home? Yes.

Do I ask him if it’s OK that my parents come over for dinner one night this week? Yes.

Does he let me know that he’s running late coming home from work? Yes.

Will he ask me if we have plans already for a particular weekend (before he makes plans with the guys)? Yes.

Like I said, it’s a courtesy – as much as it is transparency. It is simply my wanting to give my husband respect and consideration – putting each other’s feelings above our own. If you haven’t been receiving or implementing that in your relationship, engagement or marriage by now – start understanding how transparency can have a greater impact on your relationship, for the better.

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3 | Support each other’s goals/dreams

This cannot be stressed enough. While this plays a role in communication, it is also the duty of a spouse to be that support system. Before my husband and I got married, we spent plenty of time talking about our personal goals and dreams in life – our 5 year plans, so to speak. If there was ever really something I knew I couldn’t personally overlook as far as our aligning life aspirations, well, we probably wouldn’t be married today.

Because why am I going to hold him back from something he wants out of life?

Sure – who’s to say my husband won’t have this sudden dream to quit his job and become a charter fishing captain (his secondary dream job)? Even if it’s something I wouldn’t necessarily agree on – I married him – it is still my duty as his spouse to strive for his fullest potential, even if that means being supportive.

But often times dreams and goals are not planned, and can erupt at any time – like my awfully random will to become a blogger and entrepreneur. My husband could have easily said, “Ha – right – in your dreams. That will never happen – you are never going to quit your job for something that doesn’t pay out right away”.

But he didn’t. He wanted this for me as much as I did – he listened to me, he empathized along with me, and was honest about our ability to being a one person household income in order for me to get my dream off the ground. We discussed the pros and cons, how this would affect our future, and even planned out a backup. And with much compromise, I was able to start my dream earlier than we had originally planned.

And the same goes for my husband. His dream, ultimately, is to become the chief of police. As if his job title alone isn’t a struggle enough in today’s day in age – at times leaving me at the peak of my anxiety – I would never try and change that. With the amount of moral and character he has, and the empathetic man that he is – he was meant to do this job. And the best thing I could do as his wife is to back him on that.

Granted, there is always the right and wrong time for everything. And it is up to your communication, mutual support and compromise as a team to make each other’s dreams a reality.

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4 | It’s about spoken and unspoken compromise

Do my husband and I want the same thing all the time? No…way.

Though we have so many mutual interests, beliefs, opinions and goals in our lives together (which does make things A LOT easier) – there are some things that pop up where we require compromise. At this point, we seem to have an understanding of each other, following with the utmost respect for our subtle differences.

We aren’t enemies – we know that we aren’t going to have things go our own way all the time. If my husband insists on wearing that hideous tie – whatever, he likes it – I let him be.

Compromise is severely inevitable (no matter how much you seem to agree on) – what is on the menu for dinner, who cooks, who cleans, how you raise your children, or financial decisions. First, I say this gently before moving on: if there is something you would never compromise (whatever that is) with no exceptions – you need to get that out in the open. Don’t wait for the tides to change, or in hopes you never have to confront that fork in the road.

For example, I told my husband before we got married, very early on in our relationship, that I was firm in my beliefs of being the sole caretaker of my future children. Meaning, I did not believe in daycare and I wanted the choice to stay home while raising a child. As a single woman, this was at the top of my “No Exceptions” list – that if he could not agree, we either would not be having children or we wouldn’t be continuing the relationship.

5 | Embrace every form of intimacy

It’s not just sex anymore. Yeah, you read me right.

Do I only see intimacy pertaining to just sex? No, and I realized the older I’ve become that sex isn’t the only way to define intimacy.

If I am to be frank: I feel closest with my husband when we are simply alone, free of distraction (phones and technology out of the way), communicating on a deeper level, listening to one another, connecting with our words and being in tune to each other’s thoughts and emotions – over sex.

That may not be the same for him – but if I’m thinking of men as a majority, that doesn’t surprise me. This is where marriage needs to focus on that fact. That not only is it a give and take – it’s understanding and applying to one another’s needs for intimacy.

Intimacy is so much more than physical. It is also the emotional connection with someone on a level of friendship and companionship. And in marriage, it’s time to embrace the fact that intimacy is more than just sex. Because there will come a time where sex becomes infrequent – and you better hope to God you chose to Love someone deeper than for the expectation of sex.

6 | Constantly work as a team

Literally.

The idea is to work along with your spouse, not against them. Sure, there are many different strengths in one another. I can’t keep a plant alive to save my own life, and my husband – well, bless his heart – is a sub-par chef (no offense, my love).

Do we hold those differences against each other? No.

So as a team it is merely understood that he is good at taking care of the yard and I making meals.

Do we help each other out when we can? Absolutely – as my husband asks where the tomato sauce is that is right in front of eyes.

Maybe to some that isn’t their definition of working as a team in a relationship. It might pertain to financial income and paying off the bills, or when it comes down to completing a big home improvement project. Those matters require teamwork just the same. And while teamwork might be someone’s idea of simply ‘being able to work together to get something done‘, it also means being supportive when someone isn’t as knowledgeable in something as the other.

Hell, there will be times you will be taking one for the team (as will he) – it is what it is, girl!

The idea is there should be no tit-for-tat in your marriage, or the hope for failure of your spouse – ever. Your goal for the rest of your lives together is to constantly strive for one another’s fullest potential.

7a | Refrain from fixing your spouse

In continuation to building up, supporting and helping your spouse, this does not mean with the intent to fix the wrong. Before marriage, if there are things you couldn’t withstand and you thought, “that’ll change when we get married, I’ll make sure of that” – you have just dug yourself a deeper hole for disaster.

This is not the mentality you want going into forever with someone.

Whether its the way he drives, how he chews his food or that he immediately comes home from work and Winnie-the-Pooh’s it with a beer after a long day at work (if you don’t know what that means, please look that one up). Guess what? There are going to be things that pop up later that will bother you – people change.

Who you marry will not be the same 10, 20 or 50 years later. For certain – I am not even the same person now as I was when my husband met me (now 3 years ago).

Are there things my husband does that bother me at times? You bet. But do I have the mindset of trying to change him of what it is he does? No, because that would be wrong of me knowing there are likely things he feels the same about me.

I know that I suffer from some form of Misophonia – not just from my husband particularly, but from anyone and everyone who chews, slurps and smacks with their mouth open or swishes food around in their mouth while eating. So for me, there’s no escape. Is that my husband’s problem? Maybe slightly, if he wasn’t raised to chew with his mouth closed. But is it my job to change that? No, the disorder is entirely my own problem to endure.

So if there is absolutely something that bothers you about your spouse, instead of trying to fix the problem – your best bet is to utilize lesson #2 (communication) and to understand the meaning behind acceptance in a marriage.

7b | Know what unconditional Love truly means

Granted, you wouldn’t be human if nothing ever bothered you about your spouse. The difference is that it shouldn’t change what makes you Love your spouse in the first place. Now the term unconditional love comes into play. Brace yourselves, folks, because it takes a lot of will to have and fully understand what it means.

Think of it like this: you married them; you chose to accept and Love them for all of who they are now and forever.

Yep, the changes, too.

For many, you might say that’s a brutal wake-up call. But if I have learned anything in a year: having unconditional Love means to be supportive of change without conditions or limitations. It is the form of Love that is unchanging and has no bounds, but again as mentioned before – you have to choose to Love unconditionally, each and every day.

8 | Pick your battles

All couples fight. If you’re not “arguing” at all, that is something to worry – it could mean the relationship is no longer worth fighting for.

You will argue, disagree and blow off steam onto one another. Think back on some of the arguments you had, like the time you fought to the death about leaving dirty clothes on the floor – which nearly ended your relationship.

Now ask yourself this: was it worth fighting over?

As a married couple, and as hard as you are trying the whole “being supportive, working as a team, compromise and communicating” thing – some battles are just unavoidable, while others – meh, so what? So he left the cheese on the counter overnight – big whoop. He’s only human, and people make mistakes, but that nasty comment he made under his breath about how you make more money than him – now there might be tension to address.

Are you catching my drift?

There are plenty of things I would have added to the list as far as worth arguing over before we got married. Then suddenly, when the wedding bells receded, it was as if those minuscule things that set me off before I could care less about now. Maybe it’s that I’m filled with other priorities to not truly care anymore, or that a flip switched and things just go in one ear and out the other.

Either way, we still have disagreements and arguments that scratch the surface of our marriage at times, but I think with marriage we have a better understanding of what it means to let go of our ego and choose our battles wisely.

Whatever the case, I feel better as a person that I am able to let things go – without going unhinged and losing my marbles over nonsense. But if you don’t have it as easy as I, you may need to start listing out the things that set you both off, and go through and choose which ones would ultimately affect your future as a healthy couple – married, or not.

9 | There is a right time for a baby

So, I’m beside myself, in terms of what I believe is the right time to starting a family. I’m even beginning to believe there isn’t anymore.

Maybe it’s the logical sense in me taking over, but I panic at the thought of having a child before setting my roots (a long term place to live), having a financial plan without the need to sacrifice (not living paycheck to paycheck), living up to every other life aspiration I won’t regret later (checking that trip off my bucket list) and more importantly establishing that security and solid foundation in my marriage.

The last thing I want is for my marriage to suffer for the sake of a fertility timeline. Yet I’m seeing couples go in every which direction as far as the right time to have a baby.

So at times it makes me think: What is wrong with us?

I was brought up a little different, while I also learned (mostly out of personal choice) that, “When you truly love each other (and I mean in all aspects – the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright nasty) and are willing to sacrifice for one another, are you really ready to start a family.“

Coming to an adult age, I have witnessed far too much wrong as marriages goes, and made the decision that I would never have children at the expense of my marriage.

My husband is the person I will endure and be with for the rest of my LIFE. And if you can never be completely satisfied with just that – you never will be. I will always be a firm believer in that having children should never be the means of completing, improving or fixing my marriage.

Nonetheless, there are times when my mind (thank you, anxiety) takes over – for the worst. There are times I think to myself, “Does my husband not love me enough?” Then I think about those who choose not to have children, or who simply can’t. “Will he love me enough, just as much, or even more then?“

Then reality usually finds its way back to me – smacking me right across the face.

I don’t love my husband for our offspring, as I surely didn’t marry him for the sake of having them.

I married him for him, and only him.

Nothing more.

I don’t want to allow our marriage to be placed on a ticking time bomb – since we have a lifetime together – so why should anything else? If there’s a right time for us in starting a family – it will be when it is completely and entirely mutual, when we don’t have to sacrifice (our lifestyle or marriage in any sense), and having absolutely no influence from society, our age or body’s capabilities.

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