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It’s incredibly easy to slump in marriage – out of routine, ritual, complacency, and deprivation. All of which are completely normal phases in marriage. But it’s important to remain aware of the meaning and sole purpose of your marriage, and knowing and applying action to getting out of that slump.
One of the many things that can affect the marriage, especially our spouse, is the change in emotional connection. I can recall the times where I felt as though our lives were controlled by auto pilot – when left ignored it eventually becomes a way of life. And getting out of it it can be the ultimate struggle, because by then we are already conditioned to living and accepting a certain way.
Even in times of crisis in the marriage, or the need for change – it’s natural to simply go the route of, “I need this in order to give that.” That tactic really is no longer a life-saver – at least not now that I am married. We must learn to live by giving through reinforcement – especially in times of crisis – in these 5 ways to positively reinforce your spouse.
5 ways to positively
reinforce your spouse
be supportive
In their goals, dreams, times of weakness or sickness, and even in the things you don’t necessarily agree or approve of. In case you forgot, you are your spouse’s biggest fan – who wants to be accepted while also making you proud, even when both your stars aren’t always aligned. The point is allowing your spouse to be an individual, without the sense of shame or judgement. Whether it’s for that new job that pays less (but it’s going to be the one thing he loves doing), getting fired or laid off and is having a difficult time finding that new job, or him insisting on fixing the car (on his own) rather than taking it to the shop or getting a new one. It’s about the constant building up of one another, even in times of failure, weakness or conflict.
express words of affirmation
Whether your spouse may or may not consider words of affirmation as their sole “Love Language” – expression of love is still nice to hear! Don’t eliminate that from reinforcement. The unexpected “I Love You” out of the ordinary will do, but it’s always nice to let your spouse know how much they’re appreciated, thought of and loved in words.
If you tend to have a problem in this area, here’s a tip: write out a list of all the positive traits/qualities that of your spouse (as many as you can). Each day, pick one of those things and affirm to your spouse how much you love that quality in them. For example, if your spouse is a hard worker (even if he does work long hours, picks up extra shifts on days off or comes home later than you’d anticipate) tell them how much you appreciate their hard work, and that you admire his dedication.
have a clear, positive attitude
I’ve mentioned in another post that our attitude affects our behavior. Seems like common sense, right? A negative attitude can greatly influence our actions. But that isn’t always an easy case – life throws us curve balls that can cause our attitudes to change on a dime.
Guess what? We have complete control over our attitude. I know it’s definitely something I’ve been working on – for myself, as I am not an optimist like my husband – but I am opening up more to the fact that my perception greatly dictates my following behavior. A bad attitude, or mood, can be set off by the simplest of circumstances. Many times we tend to let one, meaningless bad outweigh all the good in our lives. We woke up late, are struggling to get the kids to school on time, or ran into a traffic jam on the way to work. It is what it is – most of us live by the, “As long as my life runs the way I see fit, 24/7/365, a good attitude will follow.“
Simple question: so how do I choose a positive attitude?
Well, you could start off by counting your blessings – right? You’re healthy, you have a job, have a roof over your head, supportive friends and family, and have a spouse who is _____ (you fill in the blank). Another way is what we are told over and over throughout our lives, “Are you going to let that ruin your entire day?“, and “If you want to survive in life, you have to get back up when it knocks you down.” In other words, just simply make the honest-to-God choice in not allowing negativity to affect you.
Now, obviously that isn’t always going to work that way – that’s easier said than done – and bad times are inevitable, that’s L.I.F.E. But let me start off by saying this: a negative attitude greatly influences the attitude and environment of your relationship, and your spouse feels and interprets your negative attitude.
So how is a positive attitude positive reinforcement for my spouse? Say you had a terrible day at work – horrendous – and you come home to your spouse excitedly spilling to you the news that he received that job promotion. Someone with a positive attitude would respond with, “Honey, that’s the best news I’ve heard all day! I’m so happy for you – that is a promotion well deserved!” Someone with a negative attitude would probably skew congratulatory words with, “At least someone had a promising day around here.“
Like I said, it’s inevitable that our attitudes will change (sometimes for the worst). It’s about being aware of that change, and making a conscious effort to better ourselves and our attitude on life and in the marriage for our spouse.
be the change
Each couple goes through times of struggle, defeat, or need of change. Sometimes it’s a need or change coming from the other side of the fence. Like in this world, with anything – environmentally, socially, etc. – it’s spoken everywhere that in order to see change you have to “Be The Change“.
Another thing easier said than done.
Yeeeeeepppp, same goes for marriage. Just like it takes two to tango – someone’s got to make the first move. Though a relationship is a two-way street (no doubt), a constant two-way flow is that of a surreal, perfect world (which, unfortunately, we don’t live in). Two-way streets can undergo construction on one side, adhere to wear and tear over time and need patching up – this is where we need to follow the, “Love without limitations and conditions” rule of thumb. And it won’t go unnoticed – I guarantee you that.
Think of it, again, in terms of choosing to have a positive attitude. Being the change is the positive behavior that follows. [Mind blown] – See what I did there?
strive for his highest potential
Because that’s your duty as a spouse. Marriage is not about attaining your own happiness – because that would mean you Love with the expectation to receive. And if you really think about it – that isn’t Love at all. Granted, we all subliminally do, because that goes without saying one of our very dire needs in life is to feel loved. Followed by being accepted, and heard.
But, isn’t this the same concept as “being supportive“? Not exactly. In order for your spouse to reach his highest potential in life and the marriage, you must give your very best self – unconditionally. In order for our spouse to succeed (even in times of crisis in a marriage, for example) we need to guide them by doing good. Meaning giving, not with the intent to get.
Need help on how to learn to strive for your spouse’s highest potential? Start out by learning your spouse’s Love Language and applying that to your doing.
[Related Read: An Honest Book Review of The Five Love Languages]