How to avoid self-sabotaging your relationship [10 Tips]

Why do we have the tendency to sabotage a good thing, like our relationships? We might be blind to the fact that we continually rob ourselves of happiness simply by worrying or obsessing over losing it. This self-sabotage becomes a chain reaction that can lead a happy, healthy relationship down a destructive path.

It is also likely a cycle in your relationships, though you may not even see it, and this all seems normal, natural, and comfortable to you. Yet the common denominator still remains, where you ask yourself, “What am I doing wrong?“

Of course, those who never intend to sabotage their relationship have good intentions at heart, but unfortunately, the results aren’t always what is desired. So allow this post to be a second pair of eyes, or alternative perspective, that sees what you may not or cannot.

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How to avoid self-sabotaging your relationship [10 Tips]

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refrain from overthinking everything

From someone who deals with anxiety, I know this is asking a lot. My life is surrounded by my overthinking. Mainly because I have this need to be in total control (of others and outcomes), and I struggle with feeling “safe” (in the presence of others and within myself). If you are someone who tends to take everything personally, blames yourself for everything, or feels victimized by your relationships – it’s crucial to start changing that mindset.

I’m telling you – here and now – that overthinking isn’t always logical thinking. Of course it’s not, because most overthinking comes from a place of fear, and fear is generally irrational. This includes the paranoia of whether or not he likes you – or loves you – to worrying about everything you or your partner says, does, feels, implies, and thinks. Plus all the things you don’t know, and probably never will.

Love isn’t strictly black and white. Those gray areas are oftentimes the questionable unknown, but we need to be more entrusting of the things we can’t control nor are our responsibility. In turn, entrusting in your gut instinct by aiming for clarity will help you more than stewing in assumptions, or irrational fear.

[Related Read: How To Stop Overthinking (In Life + Your Relationships)]

stop making and relying on assumptions

To tie in with the above, we must stop forming assumptions (including potential) about our partner. Can you read his mind? No. Can he read yours? No. Yet I do understand that we can easily gather a hypothesis based on emotions, actions, and choice of words. That doesn’t mean verbal communication should go out the window because we think we know better.

Assumptions aren’t entirely accurate (if at all), nor are your assumptions something you should base the relationship upon. Practicing self-reflection (by imagining if a situation were vice versa) can honestly do wonders when you tend to be the internal problem-solver.

Would you want your partner to assume that because you are sad or angry (from something they said or did, or something entirely irrelevant) that you are done with the relationship and have stopped loving them? I would think not. So it’s necessary to avoid assuming our partner’s intentions, as well as how they feel and think. Both parties need to communicate, gather clarity and seek to understand in order to remain on the same page.

The bottom line is: if it bothers you inside, you need to talk it out (no matter how silly and awkward) before it consumes you.

hold yourself accountable

Be more aware of the role or part you play in the relationship – positively, and negatively. Whether that be unrealistic expectations, behavior (patterns), wrongdoings, insecurities (fear), emotions (reactions), and boundaries (or lack thereof) within the relationship. In other words, red flags are not always about the other person. Self-accountability for our part in the detriment of relationship health is vital. So when you feel overcome with jealousy when your partner spends time with their friends without you, become more aware and be able to sit with those feelings, then dig deep and start asking yourself the Why. Why does this make me jealous? Why do I feel threatened by his time with friends? Why am I afraid he will abandon me? Why do I not feel worthy of Love?

[Related Read: 7 Signs Your Relationship Needs A Detox – STAT]

quit playing tit-for-tat

I talk about tit-for-tat quite a bit if you have read any of my other posts on TML. I think it’s because this consumed one of my previous long-term relationships, as well as having learned and experienced the nature of this toxic behavior in my upbringing. It was a common occurrence between my parents, so I learned that this was justified behavior (meaning, “they did this to me so they deserve the same done to them” – eye for an eye, so to speak). Tit-for-tat falsely mimics a personal sense of “justice”.

He didn’t text me back for 6 hours, so I’m not going to respond to him the rest of the day.

She told me I’m useless when it comes to helping clean the apartment, so I’m never going to offer to help or ask what needs to be done anymore.

He went and cheated on me with his EX, who I said was a threat from the beginning, so I’m going to go do whatever I want and he can’t say a lick of anything about it.

She can’t even see that I’m bored and “frustrated”, and would rather spend her time reading a book, so I’m going to give her the silent treatment until she figures out that I’m annoyed “with her” for not replenishing my needs.

So by the time I was in relationships as an adolescent, I already knew how and when to implement this behavior – it was as manipulative as it was feeding my wounded self. And when I entered a relationship with someone who also bestowed and combated with similar behavior, you can imagine how that unfolded. We were both equally at fault for many reasons more than one. This behavior became a continuous, vicious, never-ending cycle of constantly inflicting insult or emotional pain on one another, almost in such a way that was addictive. It was addictive because it was the only thing that sparked fire between us, even if it was negative, and though we knew it was wrong and unhealthy, making any ounce of change was short-lived. The relationship became tiresome and an empty void filled with nothing but resentment and anger.

Both parties must be willing to recognize this unhealthy pattern of behavior, but the name of the game is someone has to be willing to surrender – to put an end to it. Otherwise, this constant emotional battle will negatively affect your ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

You won’t put out the fire using fire – plain and simple. 

you’re in a partnership, not a dictatorship

Should he make you a gracious part of his life, and want you in it? Absolutely he should. Again, the keyword is “part“. You being a part of his life – not all of it. This doesn’t mean you get to control every and all aspects of it, like what time he should be home for dinner each night, how often he sees or talks to his mother, and what he can and can’t do with his friends.

Trust me, I’ve witnessed it all.

Should there be a healthy balance of consideration, respect, and common courtesy for one another’s time, space, and efforts? Yes. But you are still individuals and need to implement that respect for space and individuality – including independence. In a loving, trusting relationship there is no such thing as possession or entitlement to one another.

start every relationship with a blank canvas

It’s unfortunate – the previous guy you dated did the unthinkable. He cheated, lied, used, and took advantage of you. Or maybe he just wasn’t your person – you weren’t compatible and he just didn’t compliment your energy.

This doesn’t mean the next guy should have to pay for what the previous one did. We can justify it all we might, but by entering into every new relationship guarded, by issuing him to sign a liability waiver, you are only adding salt to the wound and making the wall unreachable for him to climb.

Besides, what incentive does he have to attempt at making you happy if you aren’t giving him the opportunity to begin with? Your trust may have been destroyed from the past, but carrying over that distrust is doing more damage to you in the end.

practice forgiveness

I get it – it’s not that simple, you say. I know that I may be speaking to the person who has been burned often and deeply. If you haven’t already make your dealbreakers concrete, now is the time. Meaning, is this something unforgivable or beyond repair? If not, then it’s time to move on, no buts, excuses, or extra chances.

Because let’s not forget: simply choosing to stay in the relationship is not forgiveness. The purpose of forgiving is for you, in release of the pain from any wrongdoing upon you, whether that means allowing the person who betrayed you to be in your life or not. That doesn’t mean you forget what happened or what was done to you, but you no longer allow it to negatively affect you or your life moving forward.

Forgiveness does not free the person who hurt you.

The point is we need to practice forgiveness (even for the little things) in our relationships, rather than allowing that pain to become an irreversible mountain of grudges and resentment. Those who have a more difficult time forgiving will be the ones paying an extended emotional price – lacking the ability to find, see and embrace peace and joy, having difficulties connecting (with others), and lacking self-forgiveness and acceptance.

get rid of the score card

I did this in high school. It wasn’t healthy then, and it isn’t now. Call it “keeping tabs”, if you will. As adults, I think this is a much more slippery slope when dealing with individual/biological differences, lifestyle/schedules, division of roles/responsibilities, and unequal efforts. I’m aware – we might get the scorecard confused with Love banks.

My husband and I have learned that it helps to unify our efforts by splitting up daily tasks and responsibilities. All of our efforts – big, small, often or far and few in between – are of equal value, no matter what. For example, I do the cooking, cleaning, and caring for our dogs, while my husband takes care of the yard and pool, manages the finances, handles any home repairs, and takes out the trash. There’s also a ton of things we do separate and together, like our own laundry and grocery shopping. This is what works for us without “keeping score”.

Sure, there are times when I’ve been the one cooking and doing the dishes all week, and it can be difficult not to take my husband’s lack of initiation to help into account. Instead of pulling out the scorecard (which honestly does nothing more than point out problems without a solution), I need to be more realistic with my needs (as well as empathetic to his own). Meaning, when I am agitated that my husband has not initiated doing the dishes all week, I need to simply ask him for help. More times than not he is more than willing.

The playing field isn’t always going to be equal in relationships. You may be required to take one for the team, and vice versa. This IS called a partnership – it isn’t going to be 50/50.

know your worth

It’s no surprise, really. I once dated someone with very, very low self-esteem. I couldn’t do much right, and it wasn’t long before I was beginning to question if I could ever be enough. Needless to say it didn’t last very long, and part of me felt cowardly for walking away – I often blamed myself. For one thing, this was self-sabotaging on both sides. I would end up feeling frustrated and emotionally drained having to always be this person’s primary source of validation. I dreaded having certain conversations, and I also felt I had to belittle my own self-esteem to match his in order to have any sense of connection.

I do understand that low self-esteem is far more prevalent these days, but the reality is that it doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it. It is very possible for those with low self-esteem to have an effect on others. And two individuals with low self-esteem can either be a recipe for disaster or exactly what both or either needed. Either way, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say there is currently (and has been for generations) a self-esteem pandemic.

It isn’t just about self-esteem, but also recognizing our own innate worth and value as a human being when it comes to relationships – the capability of deciding what’s right for you, choosing someone who treats you with decency and respect, and acknowledging that you are deserving of peace and happiness. What you allow in your relationships is what will continue – remember that.

don’t put all your eggs into one basket

I’m not saying to keep the door [your options] open. But girl, I see you.

You’re canceling plans, pushing back girls’ night for the Nth time, getting reamed out by your boss for your “lack of productivity” because you’re texting too much at work, and constantly putting the rest of your life on hold for him. Say this isn’t you at all, but you’re just steadily spending the night at his place every night. Now ask yourself, when was the last time you went on a proper date? Not a group date. Not an at-home date. A real date-date.

All I’m saying is be careful not to free-dive those depths for too long. You can certainly live in the moment, give it all you got, wear your heart on your sleeve – whatever it is you do – without taking on more water than you can tread. When you start making certain sacrifices in the relationship, you run the risk of losing more than the effort you’re putting in and hoping in return. Even if you’re totally okay with ditching your friends for months on end, for the sake of Love. This can be self-sabotage in disguise when you realize what you were unrealistically willing to change or give up. Don’t allow a relationship to get to a point where you lose sight of yourself, end up in the worst-case scenario, and don’t have a leg to stand on.

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stop comparing the relationship to others

Trust me, what you see on the outside of someone else’s relationship isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Nobody really likes the world to know about the not so lovey-dovey side to their relationship (that would be way too authentic for this socially constructive world we live in).

The reality is we are always going to experience envy in the human experience. We want what someone else has, and someone else wants what we have. And we have got to stop being so hard on ourselves for feeling.

When comparing becomes problematic is where we need to start questioning deeper. For instance, you’re envious of the friend who is constantly traveling to cool places with her bae, so you blame your partner for the fact you never go anywhere or do anything fun and adventurous. Instead of having to use [said couple] as your reason for questioning the quality of your relationship, why not just speak your mind about your needs and wants? “So and so just came back from a trip to Greece. I really want to go somewhere new together – let’s make this happen/how can we make this happen?“