We all know by now that trust is the easiest to lose, and the hardest to regain. And in relationships trust is easily and most obviously broken by things like deceit (lying, dishonesty, secrecy) and infidelity (cheating, disloyalty), but what about the not-so -obvious? The subtle ways trust can be lost or broken in relationships – IMHO – are actually the most common and “unforeseen”.
Why unforeseen? Because most tend to attribute the dynamic of trust surrounding loyalty, I think people fail to see that the trust was lost, compromised, or even nonexistent waaaay before the act of deception or infidelity. Trust is often broken through the accumulation of small acts that defy what is required and necessary for trust to exist in the first place.
7 Subtle ways relationship trust can be broken or lost
Failure to keep promises
We, individually, decide who and what’s important to us. We like to make promises to show that we’re capable of honoring the things that matter to us. And, well, because honor instills trust.
Though, oftentimes, promises aren’t so verbatim, like “I promise to..“, but more along the lines of, “You’re the only one I need,“, “I won’t ever hurt you,“, “No one will ever take your place,“, and “I’ll be there for you no matter what.” So we also make promises knowing the likelihood we are to break them, intentional or not, because some promises are simply unrealistic to make altogether. Here we are promising our partner that we will never fail them, while at the same time mistakenly forgetting their birthday one year. Of course this does not negate the fact we also make “simple”/”easy” promises we fail to keep. We forget that simple promises are some of the most important ones.
Nonetheless, we’ve all broken promises, big or minuscule. Let’s be real here. That doesn’t mean going against our word won’t have some negative effect or consequence. So if your partner has told you for the Nth time that they only have eyes for you, yet continue to passively and apathetically Like other random women’s half-naked pictures on social media…they’re going against their word and ultimately breaking their promise. I said what I said. And lust doesn’t spell trust, even if it’s hidden in the mind.
So first things first, in order for trust to have a fighting chance to exist, each person must get right with their heart.
Words and actions don’t add up
We hear this one so often that I wonder if it’s simply a fart in the wind. That if he says one thing and does another, or vice versa, this should be instant red flags. If he tells you he’s free this weekend and that he can’t wait to see you, but then winds up spending all weekend with the guys, instead – does this match up? If you find him losing sleep because he’s up late texting his female co-worker but he says “Simmer, we’re just friends,” when you address your concerns about it – do his walk and his talk add up? No, ma’am.
The talk + the walk = key binders in building trust. Trust doesn’t work without the other. When words and actions don’t align, it’s because there’s aberrancy and defiance. Trust cannot exist on that playing field.
Withholding certain information
AKA keeping secrets from your partner. But let’s unpack this a bit more, because what exactly constitutes as a “secret”? We could say withholding anything that would or could be detrimental to our partner or the relationship. Though it’s safe to say we all keep certain information from our partner to some degree, even if we mean no harm or ill intent.
Every individual ultimately decides what certain information is private, or sensitive – worthy of withholding from their partner. Acceptable or not is also the other partner’s individual prerogative. Technically I don’t NEED certain access to my husband’s privacy (email, social accounts, bank account, phone passcode, etc.) to know whether he can be trusted (or that there’s trust in our relationship), but I look at it like this: My husband’s transparency of that access reinforces my trust in him as well as his trust in me not to abuse that access [of his transparency]. *This goes both ways. Therefore, I find it strange when partners will gatekeep certain information that – at some point – makes no sense to keep “secret” or private in the relationship. On the other hand, I can also empathize with partners who want to feel like their right to privacy is valued – meaning, it’s not taken advantage of.
There was a point, in my relationship with my [now] husband, where I did not/would not share my bank information – obviously. This does not mean he is not “deserving” of that transparency, nor did he (or I) do anything to abuse or break existing trust in our relationship. But as our relationship progressed (I became engaged), we took certain strides to conjoin our lives that made sense on a level of mutual respect and trust. Alas, we became more transparent and comfortable sharing our bank information with each other.
Every relationship should be built on the foundation of trust, duh, as are couples each responsible for honoring and upholding that trust. Where you define the basis of trust in your relationship is entirely between you and your partner. So if you and your partner are totally cool keeping your mula separate (as “private” information) from one another, and this not be a detriment to relationship trust, then cool beans. Yet being in a relationship, we have to be willing to find that middle, common ground between transparency and trust. Because, at the end of the day, a lack of transparency is [results in] a lack of trust.
White lies
Listennnnnnnn. We’re often told white lies are acceptable and that they aim to preserve and protect our connection with others, whether it’s against tough Love, “brutal honesty”, or as a way to deflect or deescalate conflict and disappointment. If we heavily rely on that logic we actually risk damaging or refuting an authentic connection.
If your partner has accumulated a bunch of white lies you’ve told – significant or not – what exactly would trust look like from their perspective? White lies are simply a precursor to whatever else you’re willing and able to be dishonest about.
Of course, there are things we can keep to ourselves that do not hinder the quality of the relationship, as there are certainly battles we can forgo choosing. But we need to be more aware of the kind and how many white lies we’re willing to create in our relationships because, eventually, those accumulated white lies will be exposed in another form of inevitable destruction. And trust ends up taking the hit.
Hypocrisy
Or double-standards. For instance, say you don’t like it when your partner has to work late and fails to give you a heads up, but you find it acceptable to make plans with friends unannounced without informing your partner first.
Basically: rules for thee but not for me. And this behavior can leave you questioning your partner’s motives as well as their values [in life, relationships]. So when you claim to have moral standards yet don’t actually mirror them, this is hypocrisy. For example, you think flirting is an act of cheating, but you have it convinced that you’re just “being nice” to those of the opposite sex when you exude flirtatious behavior.
This not only inhibits trust in a relationship but has the ability to destroy it.
[Related Read: 4 Truths to building trust in relationships – How to forgive and trust again after they’ve hurt you]
Betrayal in terms of similarity and familiarity
What do I mean by this? By similarity, I mean your mutual, shared values. By familiarity, I’m talking about the person [your partner] who you have “supposedly” gotten to know and even bonded with.
I’m not crazy – this is totally a thing, right?! I mean, we could technically call this dishonest secrecy and be on our merry way, but it’s more than that. And it’s deserving of a separate explanation since we are dealing with trust here. It’s a thing because it can often feel like infidelity, even though it isn’t. That’s because it feels like blind-sided betrayal.
If you were to consider your values [in life, relationships, family, lifestyle, cultural, work-ethic, religious, political, etc.], think about how trust might be affected if any of your shared values as a couple was compromised. Some examples might be:
- You and your partner don’t smoke. Your partner knows you hate smoking and aren’t attracted to it, but you find out they’ve been smoking in secret for the past year.
- You and your partner agreed that p*rn is a lustful gateway to cheating (or that it is, in fact, cheating). You and your partner have been struggling with intimacy lately, and you find out they’ve been resorting to p*rn to cope.
- Family is important to both of you. You’ve bonded over having close-knit family relationships, when you learn that your partner has been confiding in their [sibling, parent] about your relationship troubles behind your back (maybe even without coming to you first).
- You and your partner, from the very beginning, always talked about the aspiration to get married and have a family. Then, say, years later, your partner changes their mind. This isn’t “wrong” per say, but maybe this change of heart came rather sudden and unexpectedly to where you feel blind-sided.
These examples can also be considered betrayal of familiarity because they [your partner] are unexpectedly no longer the person you thought you knew. This betrayal can be catastrophic to trust, even without deceit or secrecy in the mix. Any abrupt or sudden division or change in the dynamic or “bond” of the relationship can feel like having the rug pulled from up underneath you.
Unreliability, inconsistency, and unavailability
Unreliability, as in, failure to “show up” in your relationship; not being there when your partner needs you, not following through with something you said you would, and not holding your end of the bargain (putting in your share or two-way street effort) are just a few examples. Unfortunately, we are faced with the growing “independent” mindset in society, where we are encouraged to “depend on no one”, which also dangerously translates to being undependable. And we have to be careful with this because building and maintaining trust in relationships requires interdependence (reliability and dependability).
Inconsistency creates and results in doubt and uncertainty; expressing your Love for your partner one minute then threatening to end the relationship the next, giving harsh criticism or judgment moreover support and praise, and extended periods of disconnect (*I will break this down further).
PSA: you won’t always feel “connected” to your partner (you might call this “the high” or spark), but ongoing or consistent periods of disconnection can be detrimental. Disconnection can be as simple as not hearing from your partner all day or for days on end. Sure, while consistency is not perfection, inconsistency is broken down into extremes, such as hot and cold behaviors. Trust is nearly impossible when the scales are constantly tipping from one extreme to the other.
Unavailability means you are absent to [the relationship’s/your partner’s] needs; you struggle with being vulnerable or transparent, refuse to take/accept accountability/responsibility and fail to consider your partner on all fronts. Being unavailable is the same as being a driving wedge between you and your partner, or in the relationship. So if you aren’t listening to your partner, unavailability says, “I don’t value what you have to say.” If you aren’t being honest with your partner, unavailability says, “You’re not worth my integrity/loyalty.” If you’re not taking your partner into account when making decisions [big or small], unavailability says, “You don’t matter.“
Therefore, none of these things (as fractional as they might seem) facilitate trust – they damage it. Pile on enough of these small grievances, and trust now becomes a fragile or broken pillar in the relationship.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]