Forgiving someone who hurt you and trusting them again isn’t easy. Not impossible but not effortless, either. If it were impossible, that can indicate how little importance that person is to you.
Including the one with yourself – don’t forget.
As if rebuilding trust wasn’t hard enough, forgiving the person who broke that trust is a whole other battle. And the first step is understanding the true meaning and purpose of forgiveness, which is often taken out of context. Hence why many struggle with forgiveness in the first place.
Many are quick to slap on the forgiving label (because that’s what a well-rounded, spiritually healthy person does, right?) without actually forgiving at all. Forgiveness, in a sense, is defined by a meaning someone wants to give it in that moment – much like the words I Love You these days. Often spoken, yet with little to no meaning… or having the wrong one.
Truthbomb #1: Without true forgiveness, there can be no trust.
How to forgive and trust again after they hurt you
forgiveness is meant to heal you, not excuse the behavior
In a way forgiveness is power, depending how you look at it.
Often times, people will use distrust from previous relationships as a dictator of trust in future relationships. This in no way establishes a healthy foundation to any new relationship.
Yet, on the flip side, most translate, “I forgive you,” as, “what you did is okay,” or “I excuse your treatment.” We’re human, our pain and suffering makes it really difficult to see it any other way. Moreover, many are convinced that forgiveness is simply enabling or excusing the continuum of poor behavior and maltreatment; so that as long as anyone breaks your trust, they are not deserving of forgiveness.
And that’s part of the problem. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who wronged you, and unforgiveness does not have this superior effect you intend it to. I think most of us fail to see how unforgiveness ultimately ends up hurting and failing us more.
Not forgiving your partner does not mean you have this sudden power of control over what they do, say, feel, think or believe. It will not somehow make your partner start treating you right or make them more loyal and honest, nor does it help them better understand the significance of their own integrity. Unforgiveness does not somehow make them likely to or convince them to change who they are. It also won’t make your partner any more willing to be accountable or take self-responsibility, nor does it make them feel responsible to do right by you.
On the other hand, forgiveness also doesn’t mean [equate to, guarantee] any of those things, either. And I know that, alone, can be tough to hear.
Forgiveness is solely about you – that’s it. Whether it be from that crazy, boiling anger in your head that’s steaming from your ears or the sharp dagger-driving pain in your chest. Forgiveness is about making the conscious decision to release what doesn’t belong to you, so that it will no longer take hold of controlling your life. It’s saying, “This [feeling, thought, belief, emotional response, anxiety] is not welcome here; I do not receive it.“
And, unfortunately, what your partner does with your forgiveness or unforgiveness is up to them and is out of your control.
With that in mind, many will refrain from forgiveness out of self-protection. Being unforgiving does not keep you from further pain or disappointment – you are actually brushing the pain and hurt under the rug you’re stepping on, only for it to resurface later.
So if we turn the tables, when you inhibit yourself from healing you are actually giving your partner power [control, influence] over your happiness. Yet the obvious and most comfortable thing to do when someone hurts us is to rely on them to mend the wounds they caused and pain they inflicted.
That’s like saying, “I don’t trust you, but I still expect you to fix what you broke.” This. never. works. no matter how deep the wound or excruciating the pain you feel. By viewing forgiveness this way, you only set yourself up to spend an eternity chained [enslaved] and broken-hearted.
trust still boils down to choice
Your partner can literally – at best – move mountains to prove to you his loyalty, honesty and sincerity. Some will go all lengths, spend years doing it, and still never fully receive their partner’s trust in return. As the coined phrase goes, “Earned in droplets, lost in buckets.“
Since you are accountable for your healing, no amount of sweet words, thoughtful actions, and bouquets of flowers will fix what cannot be undone. It can surely help, like a cute bandaid over a boo-boo, but it is only a sliver of the process.
Trust is also a choice… on your behalf.
No matter how much we despise hearing, knowing or admitting it. The only way you will ever fully trust is by entrusting yourself to do so, which can be challenging when the ability to trust yourself is affected by your lack of or lost trust in others.
This is why you may begin to question your judgement, require constant validation and reassurance of your deserving of love, or your ability to do what is right over what you feel. You may lose sight of faith and positivity that is geared toward creating a healthy relationship, or taking self-responsibility for your personal happiness.
And because trust is a choice, it also requires a mutual willingness. Trust is a two-way street. But if you allow bitterness, paranoia, and animosity to overrule the risk of trust you will never really benefit from his willingness to turn the relationship around.
So as difficult as it is to fathom, if you genuinely want to trust you must also choose to trust.
[mailerlite_form form_id=6]transparency is key, but not under harsh light
You can’t expect openness and honesty when it is not welcomed. As much as I believe that honesty should be a standard of integrity and humility, I also know there’s no way I would want to surrender in a battle where my enemy is not willing to yield.
Even if it’s a war I started.
So in the midst of distrust, agony sets in and both parties are on edge or at their breaking point. It’s like walking on egg shells. Walls are up and a defensive attitude is on guard and neither can break through – no matter what is done or said in an attempt to reconcile.
If you can imagine what kind of environment that creates in a relationship, where both partners are supposed to be allies, it definitely isn’t promoting vulnerability or the willingness to do what is right for the sake of the relationship.
Not even for the person who broke the trust in the first place.
If you’ve been deceived, then you know the mixed emotions with it. And when you have a partner who is making the attempt and willing to put in the effort to rebuilding trust, it’s important that those mixed emotions do not poison the attempt for repair. When an effort is being made yet continually dismissed, poked, prodded, invalidated and ignored, compliance with transparency can be revolting – slowing down the process of rebuilding trust, or even bringing it to a halt.
In the process of rebuilding trust, defiance is often perceived as rejection.
As human beings we’re meant to feel, grieve and go through the motions in relationships; a partnership is designed to do these very things together, as one team. And when you are hurt by your partner, you have every right to feel. It’s when you are incapable of letting go/*moving forward that can restrain you, your partner and the relationship from repair, growth and solidarity.
You’ve probably read the quote, “Don’t bring up a person’s past mistakes when they are trying to change. In other words, don’t kick someone while they’re already down. It would also be like shoving someone to the ground as they’re trying to get back up on their feet.”
You know what can happen when someone gets knocked down enough times? They will eventually give up, or stop trying.
It’s important to take that into consideration when your partner is trying to change or make amends. This may not be timely, of abundance, sincere or as satisfying as you need it to be, but a toxic environment will only continue to dim the light on rebuilding trust. A humbling environment will make the effort to be far more inviting and appealing.
part of trust is allowing for room to grow…and making mistakes
We’re human. If we were meant to exist in perfection, the world would literally be a living, breathing Truman Show with absolutely zero negative emotional fluctuations.
Like robots. In case you forgot, we are not.
Once trust has been broken, it’s difficult not to see the tiniest, meaningless mishaps or mistakes as faulty. These are then amplified x100 when the trust has already been broken.
You might see every little thing he does wrong (or that simply displeases you) as a way to intentionally spite and hurt you. It may even convince you that he no longer cares about the relationship, or isn’t even trying. So you hover over his every word, action, thought, feeling and imperfection with doubt, and make assumptions based on your fear of trust and needing to be in control.
Unfortunately if you ever want to fully trust or rebuild the trust, you must be willing to love someone enough to give them the room to improve and grow, while also not holding them against their mistakes. Because we all make them, even at the expense of those we love.
You cannot rush or change any aspect of the relationship your partner isn’t willing on their own – the only factor you can control is whether you stay or leave.
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