There are subtle signs and clear signs that the guy you’re dating isn’t being totally honest or upfront with you – on the extreme end, he may even be a compulsive liar. Sometimes these signs aren’t flat-out noticeable, especially when you’re not looking for them. And if these signs go unresolved, you could be headed down a deep, dark road.
I dealt with the compulsive liar in my dating years. And unfortunately, it destroyed my faith in a loyal, trustworthy relationship for a period of my young, vulnerable life. It took many years to cleanse my palette in being able to be vulnerable and accepting of someone in my love life.
But the one thing I wish I had known in all of those instances of deceit were the earlier signs that I was with someone who would never value the truth, and that I wasn’t worth honesty and integrity. Those signs may have been very subtle, or more like stepping stones – but they were signs worth addressing, or closing doors that needed to be in order for another to open.
And even though some of the signs can be subtle and harmless, I am trying to say (without being quick to judge) that if you’re already in this bumpy situation, those ‘harmless signs’ doesn’t mean they won’t get worse from there.
5 Signs he’s not being honest with you
He’s exaggeratively vague and secretive; leaving you with doubt
It doesn’t have to be about something serious. So maybe he just didn’t want to tell you he was out having a beer with the guys after work and instead let you believe he was working late. And maybe because you didn’t ask, he didn’t feel he needed to tell you of his whereabouts.
But in relationships, a commitment, there’s this little thing called courtesy. You’ve heard it, right? And when courtesy is valued, the person you’re dating will want you to feel secure (assured) and considered. That’s it – that’s the tea on that one.
Where this lack thereof courtesy level of behavior becomes situational is when he goes out of his way to keep secrets from you, or to keep you ill-informed. And if and when you happen to ‘catch this’, he either denies, dishes every excuse in his little white book of lies, or comes clean without the incentive of this respect in the future.
Of course you don’t expect him to tell you every gritty bit of detail in his life – you aren’t really looking to know whenever he leaves the house to grab groceries. The fact of the matter is he should want to consider your feelings and have enough respect to, say, let you know that he’s planned a boy’s trip this weekend (or next month so that it won’t interfere with both your plans together), when it comes to the fork of being honest or deceitful.
If your feelings matter to him, he shouldn’t want to keep anything from you that would damage trust and respect in the relationship.
He gets defensive when you do catch him in a lie
If you approach him on the matter, the motive or his whereabouts, and he refuses to come clean and/or talk about it – take it as your sign that either, A. there’s a guilty conscience, or B. his defensive mechanism means he never intended on honesty (because of exhibit A.).
Personal shame can have a major impact on our reaction and response to situations, such as getting called out in a lie.
So if he tends to justify his actions by pointing out unrelated flaws in the relationship or turning the tables onto you – it’s safe to say this manipulation tactic is not new for him. Someone who truly cares for your feelings is someone who can make space for admitting their wrong, take accountability for their behavior through action.
He works abnormally hard to gain your trust, or doesn’t trust you
You’ve probably heard this before – that a cheater usually ends up distrusting the partner who didn’t cheat. Crazy right? And, well, we live in a society with maaaaajor trust issues as is.
We have those (who lack trust) that tend to withdraw, remain guarded [emotionally], and refrain from [the risks of] vulnerability, and then there are those who tend to over-perform, and over-extended themselves in order to gain that mutual sense of trust. This is like saying, “I feel safe when others accept and approve of me (my value is defined by/found in others), so therefore I can depend on them.“
I know, that was probably a whirlwind to take in and understand. Yet those are black and white sides of trust-related extremes, while there are also those who hover in-between on the spectrum.
This is something to bear more proactively in mind if you’re dating someone who consistently feels the need to gain your trust, and seems to need your [constant] reassurance of trust.
He avoids (or is triggered by) certain topics of conversation
Relationships become complacent over time, this is as natural [the ebb and flow] as it is inevitable, so not to really worry for as long as this can be acknowledged and nurtured maturely and proactively.
Maybe you both aren’t the type to have heavily-debated discussions, or deep, emotional/intellectual topics period. Or maybe you can simply enjoy the silence of each other’s company. That’s cool, then carry on.
But when “complacency” creates distance, that’s different. Or if bringing up or circling certain topics of conversation [that are important to you] seems to trigger them, it’s time to raise some flags and get to the bottom of the issue.
[Storytime]
I dated a guy for two years (unemployed at the time, yet in school at the beginning of our relationship). He eventually did get a job working late nights at a gym – like til midnight/1am. I worked crack of dawn morning shifts, so by the time he was off work, I was hours into sleep for work the next morning. We didn’t live together, so it was normal for me to make conversation [in-passing] about how his shift went the next time we spoke. In time, it got to a point where he really didn’t like talking about it – it was avoided out of annoyance of my [even] asking, frankly.
Long story short, and many suspicions later – came to find out he was spending time “meeting other people” [clients] while he worked, and “went out for drinks” after work with these people [women].
Granted, I wasn’t someone who needed to know of his whereabouts, or who he was with when we weren’t together, but when I was given reason(s) to doubt, as well as evidence of my suspicions, and confronted him about it – I realized I was with someone whose [relationship] morals and values no longer (if ever) aligned with mine.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]He is hypocritical
And if they’re hypocritical, then they are more than likely proficient in double standards. This basically means, “What I can do – you can’t“, “It’s OK when I do it, but not for you“, or “This only applies to you, but not to me“.
For example: He’s upset that you didn’t let him know what time you would be home from girls night out, but feels he doesn’t need to do the same for you when he goes out with the guys.
And keeping tabs (tit-for-tat) is a hypocrite’s cousin, so bear that one in mind.
For example: “Well, you went out and spent $100 on your hair and nails, so I’m going out drinking with the guys when I want.”
Does hypocrisy actually mean he is a liar? Not exactly, but I do believe this behavior can be a predecessor to deceit and secrecy.
wpDiscuz