You know what I noticed? The number of articles out there that cater to single women…looking for a relationship. From tips to feeling less lonely to the very things a single woman probabbbbbbly doesn’t care to hear. The list goes on and on and on.
Lawd, though – single women don’t want to be told everything they already know. They already have it drilled into their pretty little heads that, yes, marriage won’t fulfill you, that Love is not enough, to let love find you and that in order to know what love *is* (looks like) you must seek purpose and contentment within yourself. And this is all great and very significant, don’t get me wrong!
But what about the others? You know, the single and not miserable. Now that I’m older (granted, and married), I BEAM when I see women who are just seemingly happy – married, in a relationship or not. And not in some man-hating, ‘couples suck‘, I’m-better-off-than-you, egotistical sort of way.
If you are one of those individuals, doing your own thang and totally owning it, I’m talking about you in this one! The single, perfectly content, capable, and happy doing it. Let’s finally put you under the spot light – it’s your time to shine.
As for the single women out there who are tired of being single – ehhhh, this may or may not be your cup of tea. Then again…
5 affirmations single women need to hear more
go on taking care of yourself – get it, girl
Because if you don’t, who will? We don’t speak enough about the importance of having that *relationship* with your self – especially when it’s the only one you entirely control. I will say, though, that the relationship with your self sets the tone for every other relationship you’ll have. So be careful with that one. How you view and treat others is a reflection of the way you view and treat yourself, and vice versa.
Sure, you’ll get the few stragglers who call you out for being self-centered or (hold your breath)… selfish, but really what people are backassward saying is “How DARE you put your own oxygen mask on first?!” LOL, literally when that’s what we’re instructed to do. And since many are still inclined to wonder, here’s a pretty quick way to tell if you are truly and *actually* being selfish: If you have to tread on or bring others down [beneath you] in order to get or stay on top.
Here’s an even clearer indicator you’re NOT being selfish: if you have to ask and wonder in the first place. Selfish people often don’t CARE or aren’t even AWARE (to consider) whether they’re being selfish.
GRANTEDDDDD, and many aren’t going to be pleased hearing this, as a woman coming [back] into my faith part of me genuinely believes we don’t *need* more “self”-love. Most of our thoughts, words, feelings and actions are geared toward the self (self-serving, self-preserving, self-seeking, etc.); this winds up being more *unhealthy* and self-destructive. BUT, there is absolutely nothing selfish about taking care of yourself when that love and care is both positive inward and outward.
you’re not overly picky, high maintenance or *too much*
Maybe these are the usual acoustics you hear from the horse’s mouth – when you do actually date, or simply for being happily content on your own. You alreaddy know you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, which means – yeah – to someone else you may be considered picky, high maintenance or *too much*. That, in no way, defines you.
So let’s set the record straight: you’re not overly picky for not just dating anybody that comes along, is hand picked or offered to you (like, set up by a good friend). You’re also not high maintenance for honoring your standards – you know, for turning away the guy who’s still living with his mom at 30, no job, and spends what little dough he has on video games and booze (yet treats you the same way he treats his mother while ALSO anticipating you to fill that same role).
The guy who says you’re high maintenance (confusing that for having high standards) will deem you too difficult to *please* because you don’t tolerate idleness. Therefore, it isn’t even worth wasting your time explaining to someone the difference between the two.
[Related Read: I’m Not High Maintenance, I Have High Standards In Relationships]
And also, because you don’t fit into their [tiny, less-than-human sized] box…they’ll give you the label of being *too much*. I.e., you’re too this or too that. The thing is, and we hardly bear hearing it, but we’re all broken individuals just trying to figure out this life concept. So it’s not that someone is *too much*, but more or less that every single one of us has, and will have, a limited capacity for things in life. Some people’s capacity is more…elementary. Sometimes this is just a phase, as a result of something, or it’s a level that’s predominant throughout life.
Think about it, are you always readily, willing and able to deal with certain things (in or about others, or certain people)? You better have answered yes, otherwise you’re lying to yourself. Therefore, it’s pointless to take offense when a guy (or anyone!) says you are *too much* when the truth is they’re capacity has simply reached its max.
stop taking advice from the herd
I may be talking about your friend group, family, other single, independent women on the interwebs (yup, even your fav insta influencers!) including those who are married, divorced or in relationships.
There comes a point when you must realize that people enjoy pushing certain narratives (or their own experiences) on others, and herds (collectives of people united based on similar circumstances, thoughts, beliefs and experiences) especially love recruiting as much as they love canceling [others]. And when “advice” or suggestive input is unsolicited is where to take heed first and foremost, like from those who are closest or are given the most access to you.
This isn’t about whether advice is right or wrong [for you], what to believe or taking advice from others necessarily. I’m jabbing at the other side of something we may often fail to see. Misery loves bad company, but we need to understand that this saying goes beyond that. As human beings we love connecting with the things [people, advice, opinions, experiences, etc.] that just really tickle our own ears and thinking. Like, yeah, you’re single and happy, but that doesn’t mean someone who perpetuates singleness and happiness is always sound. You feel me?
When I say to stop taking advice I mean not accepting all willy-nilly; do question and test what you’re being told more, not just because it sounds nice (and goes along with what you want to hear). Watch and become aware of how others respond when you don’t [blindly accept or take advice]. You’ll find out real quick who is for you, even when those say they just want the best for you.
just do you, FOR YOU
Here’s what I really mean. Avoid over-explaining to people who don’t understand you; this includes trying to convince people who continue to misunderstand you. Trust me, they do, they just won’t want to. And that’s okay, I don’t think we’re meant to understand everyone’s thinking and choices in life (nor do we necessarily have to support it) but we do have to accept it.
You don’t need other’s recognition of approval to do what’s best for you, because what’s best for you won’t necessarily be what’s best for others.
Don’t feel like you need to change who you are in order to appease others, their opinions or presumptions about you. Real talk, when I got married, I felt there were certain things I wasn’t allowed to change or had to in order to fit in with my single friends. For lack of better words, they were less accepting (and more resistant) of my new life era – I was willing to meet them halfway but they weren’t willing to meet me where I was at. For me, my life changed getting married, which meant I had to stop focusing on how to make myself fit in the lives of others!
being alone isn’t loneliness; dependence doesn’t make you desperate
Get ready for this one! Being an ambivert, extroverts would consider the extent of my alone time as complete loneliness, maybe even depressive. Other fellow ambiverts or introverts would either celebrate this or instigate there’s not enough!
But I want to clear up two things: 1. Being *alone* – meaning, doing life by yourself – is NOT in any way, shape or form the definition of being lonely. Some of the loneliest people on this earth are actually those who have it all, can do everything, or have it easy [in life]. These are individuals with money, success, many friends, who are socially extroverted, and even in a relationship – let that one sink in. The bigger question to be asking is why is that?
And 2. depending on someone (having a partner in life) does. not. make you desperate. Or weak. Or incapable. Or ignorant. Listen, you can be single and happy YET ultimately want, desire, crave or inevitably (at some or any point) *need* partnership.
Another PSA: we really have to stop using happiness as a measurement in life; happiness is not linear, it’s not a constant, it’s a temporary outward expression as a result of pleasure. Happiness does not endure trials and tribuation, which means it shouldn’t be our focal end goal or achievement IN LIFE. Instead, seek *joy*.
[RELATED READ: To the single woman tired of dating and being single]
Deep down, I personally don’t believe we truly and optimally THRIVE being alone (at least, we’re not designed to). *And alone, as in, having zero fundamental relationships in our lives (friends, family, connections, partnership, etc.). Do we adapt (when we’re forced to)? Absolutely. Have we evolved (from our circumstances, conditions and experiences as a culture) into human beings that no longer *require* us to depend on others [being in our lives ] to thrive, survive or be *happy*? It sure is seeming that way.
As a married woman, even I still enjoy alone time, and at this point in my life I don’t have very many other people in it. My circle is, what some would call, nonexistent – it’s that small now. That doesn’t mean I am not grateful and appreciative of sharing my life with another companion. In fact, I certainly don’t believe I should just side with being/*staying alone simply because I do enjoy it. But, do I think it’s crazy that people willingly choose to be alone (if they’re satisfied that way)? Nope. Do I think it’s crazy that people are *desperate* to find companionship? Also nope.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Either way, society comes down really hard on those who are *alone* as well as those actively (or seen as desperately) avoiding it. Ultimately, people’s wants and needs change, some don’t, and collectively we need to do a better job accepting that someone can want to be alone or want partnership…without villainizing one side or the other.
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