4 Simple truths to getting over a breakup

If we think of love in terms of a drug, breakups are like the inevitable withdrawal stage. And we all know how difficult getting over a breakup can be. Whether that be bursting into sobs at random given moments, protesting your newfound self love or maybe never shedding a single tear – we each handle breakups incredibly different.

In some cases, there are those in relationships who profess their breakup as a blessing in disguise.

I’m one of those people. 

Then there are those who experience the opposite – they’re with someone for two weeks and it ended up being the worst breakup of all.

In that withdrawal period, there are things we inevitably refrain from wanting to hear, see, admit and bring to the surface. Because who ever really wants to hear, “He just wasn’t it – you will find the one for you – just keep your head up,” in the midst of having ended a deep, emotionally invested relationship? We hide from the things we aren’t willing to admit, as well as fear loss, loneliness, abandonment, guilt, or regret because we aren’t being told the truths that allow us to turn any breakup into a blessing.

I want to bring that to light for you – with 4 truths to getting over a breakup, and turning it into your blessing in disguise.

4 truths to getting over a breakup [+ turning it into a blessing!]

if it were meant to be, it would be without an end

I don’t personally believe in second chance relationships after a breakup. I experimented with that once in middle school, and I knew that was the last time I would, ever.

Let me explain why.

Having been in a long term relationship where well over a year was spent solely struggling to make things work, I never felt it was worth going the route of calling it quits, or “taking a break” in order to see if the relationship truly mattered and could fix itself.

I knew breaking up would never solve our problems in allowing us to get back together.

[Related Read: Why Taking A Break In Your Relationship Is Simply A Hall Pass]

Granted, I do believe, in many circumstances as humans beings, we tend to only realize what we have and truly appreciate it once we are faced with the opportunity of losing it. Even more so when it is lost.

It’s sad, but it’s true. Why do you think we grieve when we lose loved ones – or for those who carry regret, remorse or guilt? There’s usually always something we wish we would have said, done or did differently. It’s always an after-the-fact.

As for our relationships, I don’t believe they are to be treated in a similar manner. Otherwise, people are going to breakup consistently, and divorce will be the default at any and every sign of lows. That putting an end to something is more effective in that it will somehow [hopefully] wake, unveil, or drastically change something.

And obviously, in many cases, I’m sure it does. But, personally, I believe if it were meant to be, it would be without having to consciously end it in the first place.

you can’t always justify the good over the bad

Breakups are a fickle b*tch – they can cause you to dwell on the good (in the relationship) over the bad, which lead to you breaking up in the first place. It’s no secret that heartache can have an effect on self-esteem. You may begin to question (or regret) the breakup altogether, where you now focus on the margin of positive memories of the relationship, suddenly making the reason you broke up seeming not so “big” or relevant anymore.

Like that one time he stayed over at your place to take care of you while you were sick, but then you forget about the time he left you high and dry when your grandma passed away.

When he brought you flowers and chocolates for your first Valentine’s Day together, but completely forgot your birthday and proceeded to make excuses for his behavior from there on out.

Or when he would say “Hey beautiful,” and write you sweet “Good morning” texts like clock work, yet intermittently would call you a b**** and tell you to stop nagging him about his late night disappearances.

It’s time to stop shoving the negative under the rug – as if it no longer matters or applies to what is needed or required to making the relationship work. When the bad outweighs the good, it’s a well-off sign to let it go.

holding onto the “memory” will only give you what-ifs

Yes, ladies. Like keeping his number in your phone, holding onto pictures and keepsakes, staying friends on social media, or attempting “friendship” post breakup.

In turn, we start implementing the above (justifying the good over the bad) and creating “What Ifs“. Eventually you will paint a picture in your mind of your life together – the way it used to be, or could be. This has the ability to keep you stuck, while also inhibit you from processing your grief and from moving on altogether.

These are the couples who break up and get back together time and time again. As much as I want to believe it’s about learning and growing from previous mistakes or unhealthy behavior, it’s difficult to get past the fact that many get back together because it’s easier to tolerate a broken relationship filled with What-Ifs than to start all over with Unknowns.

The thing is, What-Ifs are no guarantee. They can leave you in the exact same place as the unknown.

[Related Read: Things Women Need To Learn From Heartache]

love often becomes an array of residual feelings and emotions

That could be anger, sadness, denial, self-loathing, guilt, desolated, or vengeful. And each one is likely sending you a message for a specific reason, so grief is not something to be ignored, it’s meant to be processed. Even if you came out of a toxic relationship, if Love was once there, all that you feel and experience post-breakup is very real and valid, whether it makes sense or not. Therefore, nobody should avoid or deny grief, even if someone or a situation is not worth grieving.

My last long-term relationship was a testament to my understanding of grief. I realized, months prior to our end, that I had essentially started the process of grieving that relationship. And this is actually not that uncommon for many. I had no recollection at the time, nor did I understand what was happening. I was making every attempt and effort to repair and fix the relationship while combating a mix of feelings and emotions that really made no sense to me at the time. There was even a point where I thought I was bat-sh*t crazy. But the reality is that emotionally I was already moving on from the relationship while there was still a part of me trying to hold on…and likely for all the wrong reasons.

Yet I remember, very vividly to this day, when the relationship officially ended I felt an instant and immense wave of relief. I have no other words to describe it other than I was finally at peace. You could say I felt whole, again.

So if a breakup has left you in a state of rejuvenation or enlightenment – this may be why.

And that’s OK, too. What’s most important is that you acknowledge and validate what you’re experiencing and feeling.