People care more about protecting their socials and devices, as well as defending their online identity, reputation and digital world than their relationship. And it shows. Your significant other (SO) deserves respect on and off social media AND your devices. Why is this bold statement so triggering today?
Ask yourself, honestly, “Who gets your attention first/most? Who gets the “best” of you? Your phone, or your partner?“
Maybe it’s a generational or societal conditioning thing (probably both). Either way, we have become obsessive and possessive over our socials and devices – they’ve become an extension of ourselves and oftentimes a threat in our relationships. Yet we’re in total denial of this…while individuals carry their phones everywhere (like to the bathroom) or wear them at all times (as a watch or earbuds). They’re connected 24/7 as if its their actual lifeline.
Would it be a crazy thought that we have become hosts for our technological devices, and its controlling us more than us controlling it?
What we unpack in this post..
As a Millennial, who was the starter generation in our technological, social, and digital advancement, it’s annoying AF to see how we’ve abused (and continue to abuse) what was meant to be a tool. A cellphone was this incredible ability to essentially have a payphone at hand – now, so much of ourselves and our lives go into this little device that we feel entitled to the need to place boundaries on this tool against our partner.
I’ll never understand why the digital and technological aspects of our lives have dominated and become superior to the one thing humans desire most in life…when it’s literally right in front of them!
Newsflash #1: Your phone won’t love you back, and your social media platforms (your social identity, alter ego, or *escapism*) will never sustain your emotional fulfillment in the real world when you finally decide to stop scrolling on IG or TikTok.
In fact, I think you’ll find it often leaves you feeling emptier, which is why the scrolling and portrayal of real life online is so addicting. You become dependent on getting that *fix*.
The thing is: your socials and digital connection to others (and the world) can literally go POOF. If and when servers and the internet go bye-bye. And it’s not far off as far as I’m concerned, because who’s in control of that? Think about it. Newsflash #2: it’s not you.
Yet somehow our digital devices and social platforms are never at fault or to blame for our unhappiness, discontentment, or relationship dissatisfaction. In fact, it’s used as a crutch or to fill a void for unhappiness. And we can’t trouble ourselves to lift the veil long enough to see its absolute destruction (just on our M I N D S alone) – including those who are all about taking social media “breaks”.
TBH, I feel like most want to remain resistant to the hidden truth – “it’s no longer all about you” – behind relationships. There’s this lack of reason in a growing self-absorbed world, and this is something I see that most cannot. Or they do, but they don’t want to because it’s simply too uncomfortable, so they close and cover their eyes to truth.
When you enter a relationship it doesn’t mean you get to choose what aspects to respect or signify as vital importance. Well, actually, you do get to choose, but self-accountability is the residing issue. We simply cannot fathom being/taking/accepting accountability for our actions, choices, or beliefs. No, in fact, we’ve taken steps in justifying and avoiding accountability by denying the existence of (or better yet, consent to) consequences.
So lemme say it, friends: your digital world is not excused from [relationship] integrity and accountability just because it’s your property, privacy, or “inner world” to do with whatever you please.
Unfortunately, our devices and social media outlets continue to be one big exception to that rule because of scary words like control, self-sacrifice, and manipulation – as if you’re not already succumbing to JUST THAT by participating in technology.
It’s about time many realize it’s actually your digital devices and social platforms doing more of the controlling and manipulating when your SO (and relationship) deserves the very pride, intention, attention, care, and respect you aimlessly give your devices and socials.
[*Obviously this topic doesn’t pertain to or condone the toleration of abuse of any kind. If you are experiencing abuse – or fear for your life – in your relationship, you should seek professional, legal help immediately. Taking to social media (publicly) could escalate and place you further at risk.]
Your relationship needs social media boundaries more than ever
First of all, yes, digital boundaries can and should exist
Just like [hopefully] there are boundaries in your relationship apart from social media, your little digital world should be no different. When you intentionally and self-righteously claim a part of your life (and your self) to be off-limits, you are essentially compromising intimacy in your relationship as well as dismissing the regard for your relationship’s (and SO’s) best interest.
So as much as boundaries should be upheld and respected in the relationship, setting boundaries with yourself that benefit the quality of the relationship is equally important. Whether that be not scrolling on social media immediately following intimacy, no phone use at the dinner table, or silencing your phone during quality time together and important occasions/situations (like your SO’s birthday dinner or when having a serious discussion/resolving conflict).
Check in with your SO before you post something on your socials that mutually involves sensitive information. Your SO does have a say in the matter in terms of their privacy, too, the same as you. An example of this (and likely controversial) could be publicly sharing your miscarriage – your SO played an equal part, therefore is equally affected, and has a right to privacy, too.
It’s having the courtesy and respect of being open with your SO when it comes to trivial circumstances as well as your intentions, like when you receive a text from an ex-relationship (and it being your “right” to civilly engage with). Even if you know your intentions are honorable, your SO should still be worthy of transparency and honesty.
Otherwise, what is the message you are sending and what message could your SO receive? There’s a very underrated level of courtesy to consider as you portray and interact with this digital version of yourself and your life through your phone and on social media.
It’s simple…don’t bad mouth your partner behind their back
There’s ‘being authentic‘ and there’s ‘oversharing‘. Well, if being authentic means venting (on social media) that sometimes your boyfriend is a jerk or your husband is a slob, then trust me when I say most of society already knows that what goes on in your relationship behind closed doors is far from being a perfect peach without needing to read about it. So, what exactly is it you are after – really? Advice? Relatability? Attention? Praise? Clout?
To go the length of bad-mouthing your SO to the open and relatively general public, it certainly isn’t for nothing.
Respect really isn’t that complicated but, wow, have I seen my fair share of Facebook friends take to the Timeline Highway and rip their SO to shreds (and even go the length of blocking them from seeing it). So what this behavior does is give everyone on your platform a negative persona of not only your relationship and your SO but also you.
And if the general pop knows the depths of your life and relationship, then your SO should, too
Honestly, what does the TikTok community do to [easily] gain such valuable, sensitive, and personal information about yourself, your life, and your relationship that your SO isn’t [rightfully] deserving of? And don’t say that social media or the online community has never broken your trust because it doesn’t value your trust or privacy to begin with.
Now really, ask yourself: would you be cool with coming across a video, post or comment from your SO exposing something sensitive about you? How about voicing his personal issues about the relationship? Or worse, such as confiding in someone else about your relationship problems.
I don’t know about you but that last one is not only a boundary violation for me, but blatant disrespect and borderline cheating. Emotional affairs are a real thing, guys, and it’s as easy as prioritizing someone else above your SO or the integrity of the relationship.
So if you’re going to vent in a TT video, FB status, DM with someone, or comment to the public about your relationship problems, then what you’re implying is 1. you couldn’t care less about respecting your SO’s feelings or trust, and 2. that people outside the relationship are deserving of access to you and your relationship.
IDK, maybe it has something to do with all the reality shows we watch – making our own personal lives and relationships a reality show for others is considered the *norm* now, whether its positive or negative attention… and we lavish in the attention it brings.
Honestly, if that level of transparency with the world (online) is totally cool with you, then your SO should have the same access – I’m just spitting facts, here. It only seems fair because there may come a point where your SO begins to question your integrity, loyalty, and self-control.
It’s super easy to put our own little slice of digital personal space on a pedestal, where we often mistreat our SO as a restricted bystander – he’s jumping about waving his hands crazily behind a crowd of people (or the few) that get a front-row view of your inner world. And that’s not how relationships are meant to be! Just something to think about.
Otherwise, what goes on in your relationship needs to stay within your relationship
If you’re in agreeance with any of the above, that’s because you probably uphold a standard as to how a relationship (including you) deserves to be treated when it comes to respect, privacy, and property – on and offline. That also means you hold yourself accountable for your end of that standard, by keeping drama within the relationship in the relationship only.
The number of times I’ve witnessed couples arguing over social media – deliberately posting degrading memes, blocking, unblocking, unfriending, dragging others into their problems who step in and threaten the relationship by changing their status – is unreal. And I find that those who are more likely to turn to this kind of behavior are those who spend way too much time on social media, who curate what their relationship ought to look like based on what they see online, and make their platforms way too personal to begin with.
And it’s all very sad because nobody has the guts to stand up and say, “Yo, this should be between you and your partner, not for the world to know. Have some respect.” Yet at the same time it’s like throwing a bone to a pack of starving wolves – people (who you know and don’t know) will eat that sh*t up like it’s nobody’s business, including their own.
Hold yourself, your SO and your relationship to a much higher value on social media the same way you would in the real world.
And, point blank, there’s something wrong if..
you can’t follow or friend each other on social media
I’m sorry, but if you can’t engage or interact in the online world that’s a pretty clear indication that you can’t do the same in the real world. AKA, there are things pertaining to your online world that you don’t want your SO to see or know of.
This also suggests there are deep-rooted issues with secrecy, trust, unstable or non-existent boundaries, and self-control. So why even be together when the true meaning of a committed relationship is to share and conjoin your lives transparently and respectively? If you can’t even be friends with your SO on social media…do you even LIKE them???
you have to blatantly hide what’s inside your phone and socials
This includes needing to keep your digital privacy out of eye’s reach from your SO. As much as I don’t condone anyone who feels entitled to prying and snooping through their SO’s privacy and property, the truth is that when trust exists in the relationship..
both.
partners.
won’t.
NEED.
to.
blatantly.
safeguard.
their.
sh*t.
The common denominator I see in this case is that one partner screwed up, their SO is [*insert emotion] about it and then becomes more demanding, controlling, invasive, hyper-vigilant and aware. Why are we still shocked by consequences of our actions? Anyway, the partner that screws up is typically offended and defensive, as a result, whether their remorseful of [sorry for] their behavior or not. Enter blame-shifting, where the partner who was wronged now becomes the villain (and, sometimes, this can be accurate).
My point here is, if you’re the partner who either *screwed up* (and has to now re-earn the trust that has been lost) or you’re inappropriately diligent about keeping your device and socials out of eyes, hands and ears reach from your partner (when they are not exhibiting snooping or policing behaviors)…you are, in fact, creating a reason for distrust and therefore compromising trust and intimacy.
You know why my husband is unbothered by me using his phone when I need (without question), leaves his Facebook account logged in on our shared computer (without a second thought), or can scroll through his social media, comment on a post, chat, or text right next to me on the couch, even if I happen to see or be looking in that moment?
Because 1. he trusts my respect for his privacy, and 2. he respects my trust in his integrity and transparency. This may be confusing, so let me unpack this a bit. He trusts I won’t go snooping, and I can trust he has nothing to hide, and when both are mutually evident then transparency and respect SHOULD follow. Obviously, this goes both ways and doesn’t equate to entitlement – this is a privilege that can easily be broken and should be treated with great care.
Otherwise, if you’re always on active duty to protect your privacy from your SO then it’s no longer a relationship…it’s a corrupt form of government.
you obsessively and “unnecessarily” snoop and police your SO’s socials and phone
Again, I don’t condone it. Even when trust has been broken. Why? Because having oversight of your SO’s privacy and property won’t make him more honest or more loyal to you. You cannot change someone’s behavior or control someone’s choices. Using your knowledge (of knowing information) as a threat won’t turn a negative situation into a position one.
Besides, why should you need to prove your value and worth? They’ll show you in their behavior and choices.
I know this seems ass-backward, but digging through his texts or prying through his socials on a regular basis (because maybe he lied or cheated) will only make him more resentful, likely to keep more secrets from you, and more willing to defy doing right by you and the relationship. The only thing this will teach him is how to better avoid getting caught the same way this behavior will show him your “crazy” side (even when you’re not).
Granted it may give you this sense of relief or control, but it actually inhibits true forgiveness as well as prevents the relationship from ever rebuilding transparency and mutual trust, and growth. And isn’t that the goal? Forcing him to be transparent won’t make him [want to be] transparent. So if this is your struggle, you might need to reconsider why you’re fighting tooth and nail to stay in the relationship you’re in.
you’re refusing to change your relationship status appropriately
If changing your status to say ‘in a relationship‘ shouldn’t be considered a big deal, then take a moment and say to yourself, “if it’s not a big deal, then deleting my account entirely wouldn’t be either“.
I know, I know, I’m speaking to the wrong crowd. If my assumptions are correct, this is something women tend to struggle with moreover men. Meaning, its men who see no need [big deal in] to change their relationship status while women deem this as something of value and importance. Rightfully so.
With that, I find the whole refusing-to-change-my-relationship-status deboggle to be nothing more than an excuse for deceit, period.
So, ladies, if you’re battling to get a guy to exclusively commit to you on social media (whether he’s active or not), he is simply not willing to commit for reasons not even worth fighting over.
you can’t be in the presence of your SO without going on social media
With this blog, as well as the online community that comes with my job, it’s an understatement to say how difficult this can be. But I have had to be intentional with allowing myself to be present without being tied to my online business 24/7.
Let’s be real, we carry around our phones like babies on our hips. We treat our phones and our socials like they are babies. If you were born in the late 80s or early 90s, remember the Giga Pets? I think that’s what they were called. Those little key chain-like devices where you could either care for a digital puppy, baby, or some other creature? THAT. It’s no wonder we have such a gross attachment to our phones, in the same manner.
So at the sound of that ping from a text – bam, you’re reaching for your phone to read that text without even thinking about it. It doesn’t even really matter what’s going on around you at the time.
In the end, it can be easier to prioritize connecting with your phone (and social community) over connecting with your SO. Think about it – our phones are always readily available…our SO may not. And at times our need to connect feels constant, where your time spent not scrolling, liking, and commenting gets shorter in between.
Nobody enjoys feeling like second fiddle to the rest of the world, let alone having to compete with a piece of hardware and software. And you can’t sound the alarm when your SO is ‘creepily checking in on your social timeline, comments, and likes‘ if you, too, are spending more of your time connected to your digital world.
But that’s beside the point. If you can’t go out on a date without reaching for your phone – to do God knows whatever – there’s a problem. When you instinctively need to take your phone into the bathroom with you, where you wind up spending longer than necessary in there because of it…there’s a problem.
If you can’t sit at the dinner table with your SO without your phone within eye view or arm’s reach…there’s a problem. If you find yourself often scrolling through social media while sitting on the couch with your SO (whether you’re talking, cuddling, engaging, or not)…there’s a problem.
The problem has to start somewhere, which you subconsciously end up feeding, justifying, and enabling over time – out of convenience, boredom, or because your SO mirrors similar behavior.
Am I saying never ever use your phone around your SO or because you’re in a relationship, period? No, how unrealistic, but it’s learning to be more mindful and intentional of use before it becomes a silent suspect to your relationship problems. It’s about doing what is necessary to break those habitual patterns. It’s bringing awareness to its negative impact and hindering connection in your relationship. You may not always agree exactly where the line is drawn, but it’s about finding ways to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle together.
The reliance on cell phones has already replaced so many things in life (like having an alarm clock), but it should never become a valuable distraction or a replacement for your significant other. Joking but also not joking: I’m _THIS_ close to claiming excessive and obsessive phone and social media use as a contender for cheating.
you can’t have mature discussions in situations of conflict or controversy
Trivial moments on social media are bound to happen. Would many describe these as moments of jealousy, suspicion, or boundary violations? Absolutely, but unfortunately I find these situations are viewed as very black and white. For instance, one partner finds it disrespectful that their SO follows, Likes, or DMs certain individuals while their SO sees no wrong and claims their partner is acting out of jealousy and insecurity (lack of trust). Very differing and opposing views here between two partners – how this situation is resolved without combativeness can be tough.
Granted, ongoing issues with unreasonable distrust and chronic jealousy are a whole other ballgame requiring a different approach, so I’m not exactly referring to that here.
Because it’s social media – our private, online digital world – it means something [to us] so we treat it differently. And we are usually so quick to defend it. Hence why I used the example above, because we will typically perceive opposition from our partner – about something relating to our socials, our behavior or how we interact on them – as an attack.
STORY TIME: I had an EX who couldn’t and refused to talk about why he was suddenly befriending “clients” from work on social media. And I’m talking all of a sudden..in bulk.
Not coworkers, but random customers – other women, specifically – that he met and interacted with going in and out of his workplace. Later did I realize he was meeting up with these “friends”/clients [women] after work in the late-night hours at bars nearby… behind my back…while I was home sleeping.
Did he lie about it? Not necessarily, but he kept this information from me, so he took it upon himself to decide what was in HIS best interest. This created an avalanche of our already existing issues. It took stumbling upon a tagged photo of him (that he removed from showing up on his timeline) from a night out with another woman for me to see the other red flags I was blind to.
When confronted, he took my suspicions as an attack on his character, moral, and freedom above all else. He saw no suspicion or “wrong” in his actions, how it would affect my feelings, or whether this behavior would negatively influence our relationship at all. He didn’t care.
The moral of the story is you may do or say something on your platform (or pertaining to device usage) that can have a different, consequential effect on your SO and the relationship. Boundaries can be crossed. And if you can’t discuss moments of conflict pertaining to social media, then you most likely aren’t able to do the same offline.
If the relationship matters…your significant other’s feelings will matter more than upholding online privileges or *desires*.
Social media has a bigger impact on aspects of your life than you want to believe
Your phone is now your personal library for everything. Your social media has become your digital persona for connecting and socializing. And many receive this sense of belonging from it. So of course it’s hard to imagine life without it because if the internet just somehow turned into the blue screen of death, the scary question would remain for many, “What will I do – who am I, really – without it?”
That’s because we don’t use social media the way it was intended anymore. It has literally become this falsified, brainwashed face of our reality. It’s our coping mechanism for true connection disguised as a tool made of metal and plastic.
If you’ve ever seen the movie Wall-E, you’ll understand where I think technology is trying to take us. Hence when you have those moments, as you finally put your phone down for more than 30 seconds, you get that feeling, “Holy crap, there’s actually more to life and a whole other world right in front of me.“
In worse cases, this might even make you feel lonely (disconnected from yourself, your SO, and the world) helpless, exhausted, or insignificant. So you end up relying on your digital device and socials even more. And that’s not something you want dictating the way you live and the quality of your life. Because believe it or not, it has the ability to do further damage to yourself and your relationship from the inside out, so don’t allow a falsified digital world to stand between you and your significant other.
Wake up from your digital psychosis and focus on the tangible aspects of your life that truly matter.
