*Disclaimer: this post is not directed to those who personally do not believe in marriage, have zero intentions to be married, and make that very clear in their relationships.
*Second disclaimer: For the MEN in the comments touting hand and fist that there’s nothing in it for men (marriage), or that no man actually wants to get married anymore…if you’re so passionate about this, then go OFF on the men who are using women as a test drive.
*Third disclaimer: before you just jump ahead to the good stuff (which will either be super triggering or difficult to understand), PLEASE read the entire post because it contains information that may resonate or apply to YOU.
UGH, why so many disclaimers, seriously?!
Ladies – all aspiring wives out there – this post is for you. *Psst, and you might want to go read the comments after – they’re mostly men acting like chickens with their heads cut off.
It’s pretty obvious, that the dynamic of dating and relationships (even marriage) has changed dramatically over the years. Great for some, and not so for others. Regardless, we as people have changed, especially in how we approach, maintain, tolerate, and overall treat our relationships. Hell, the opposite sex in general.
Couples are committing, but the commitment of marriage is actually in decline. Again, I’m not talking about those who have no aspiration for the legality of marriage. With that in mind, there’s also a factor that keeps many relationships from reaching that point, and is a likely reason why he continues to talk the talk but won’t walk the walk on that level of commitment.
So if there’s anything I took away from dating is: never treat a relationship like a “marriage”. And too many couples in relationships are doing just that. Granted, I may be talking completely out of my own a**, but if you’re wondering why he won’t marry you (put a ring on it), when he says “otherwise”, then this post may enlighten you.
Aspiring wives, this is why he won’t marry you (put a ring on it)
I know you already know this, but let me give you the logistics of a marriage. It is a union, a monogamous partnership under Law, a religious ceremony between two people, and a holy covenant before God. In whatever way it applies deepest to you – marriage is the legal binding of two people becoming one. It is the deepest form of commitment…and for that exact reason.
Therefore, if he has no incentive of wanting marriage or ever marrying, then
1. hopefully he has made that very clear early on in your relationship,
and 2. this post is irrelevant because you only have two options.
Hopefully you already know what they are.
But there’s really no avoiding it. There are those in this world who just can’t or won’t commit on that level (by legal documentation of marriage). Is that their prerogative? Absolutely. Is it your responsibility to try and change that? No, sis. Now, sure, can “refusal” be a sign that they are simply not ready? Unfortunately, yes. And again, it is not your responsibility to make him ready, nor is it your responsibility to wait until he is.
So who AM I actually talking about in this post exactly? Those with all talk and no action. Those who take, take, take beyond what they’re willing to measure up to.
Now let me summarize some of the most common characteristics of a marriage, whether you believe all of these to be true of your marital style or not. *Take note as to what/if any characteristics may be currently applied to your relationship.
It is the conjoining of your lives as one – this may be through mutual goals, life aspirations, partnership, and companionship. For example, you would conjoin your financial paths (or bank accounts) and all aspects within it, divide and conquer household responsibilities, duties, and tasks based on roles or whatever system WORKS for both of you, and each abiding by integrity, respect, courtesy, transparency, trust, and loyalty when it comes to the struggles you face together as well as the human experience – for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.
You might even say, “…but I don’t have to be married in order to attain any of those characteristics in my relationship.”
BINGO. And for those who aspire to marry, that’s the issue I am addressing. Far too many “relationships” contain marital roles without followed expectations.
I’ll say it louder for those in the back,
More men refuse to marry because they know they can get all the aspects of marriage without the commitment of marriage.
And maybe that’s the issue; when GOD – that spiritual, Holy covenant – is taken out of the picture. Man, or *we*, have literally dumbed down what marriage represents – hello, piece of paper – which gives way to depreciate that covenant, or commitment. Because without that level of commitment, what even is marriage? Oh, right…legal documentation (for the government) that, what, you basically have *rights* over each other or worldly formalities [*protection*] against one another? Ohpe, I did just say that one out loud – my apologies.
YET time and time again I continue to hear this phrase pop up between the cracks. I even picked my husband’s brain and asked him, “Why does it seem that more men nowadays won’t marry the woman they’ve been with long-term?” His initial, blunt response:
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
At first, not going to lie, I was a bit taken back. Shocked. Pissed, in fact, because 1. he was reaffirming that men view marriage as more of a sacrificial burden (in their lives), or like this -> legality > covenant (commitment), and 2. such focus on the *burden* implies that women are not worthy of that commitment because of what characteristics a relationship possesses without it. And for women who aspire marriage, and to be a wife, that essentially looks like being completely taken advantage of.
The difficult reality: we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Does displaying “wifely” marital qualities and characteristics in your relationship have a negative impact on “making an honest woman of you”? Are men simply taking advantage of these desirable qualities? Is it because they’re innately given to them by a woman’s progression of feelings?
I think we always fail to realize the stiff division between men and women that remains unchanged:
While women continue to live in Love through more emotion, men continue to live in Love through more logic.
Men don’t see a [logic] need to get married when the relationship can possess all the same qualities while women do because the deeper commitment is emotionally/spiritually binding. Need I remind the triggered men on this topic that God made women for men (Eve for Adam), because men need women. Otherwise why would God decide that Adam is to have a helpmate? *This point is not to boast, but to point out how men and women were designed compatibly – to compliment and submit to one another.
ANYWAY. The logic for men still stands with, “Why let a piece of paper dictate the strength and loyalty of my relationship when I am already exhibiting everything in a marriage without it?”
It’s simple: if you think that way, then marriage is not for you, but you don’t THINK nor SPEAK for all men (including those who also aspire the covenant and commitment of marriage *beyond* that “piece of paper”). God didn’t say marriage is for everyone nor that everyone should be married – he designed marriage, in simpler terms, because he knew it was better for a man to marry [and be with one woman] if he couldn’t keep it in his pants. In a more beautiful, poetic stance God also designed marriage to mimic the relationship between Christ and his bride (the church). But none of that seems to tickle the fancy of this modern age – people much prefer to be their own God and make their own rules.
Ladies – we desperately need to understand, realize and come to terms with what fails us in finding someone who actually values and honors marriage as a form of commitment, or a covenant. It might call for a change in our habits, patterns, thinking or [conditioned] belief system. This may involve going against the grain of what you think you know about relationships (and what everyone else is doing and tells you to do). This means rethinking certain behaviors or decisions made in your relationships, taking things much slower, as well as heed the warnings that don’t meet or align with your values and life aspirations.
The investment, decisions, behaviors, and milestones in your relationship are not to be taken lightly – especially if your expectations hope to lead to marriage. For example,
Settling in your roots
- Moving in together
- Buying a house together (under both your names)
- Codependency
- Staying over each other’s place repetitively, or for long periods
- Treating his place like it’s your place, and your place like his place (leaving personal items, exchanging keys to each other’s places, having open access to come and go freely, or making aesthetic changes without official co-habitation)
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
Not only acting like a house wife but his mom, too
- Feeling “responsible” for his basic needs (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) – *there’s a difference between feeling responsible and doing this out of the kindness of your heart (but knowing when this is being taken for granted!)
- Having to make [“unnecessary”] demands/reminders (reminding him to file for his taxes, or to pick up his tux for your sister’s wedding) – *if he’s a mature, grown-a** man, there’s no need for this
- Carrying the mental load – whether it be pertaining to the relationship or basic life skills (date night, routine check-ins with each other, resolving or addressing conflict)
- Picking up after him – *especiallyyyy if you live separately yet still do this at “his” place – no, MA’AM
- Taking care of his personal and survival needs all the while he *insists* that you do by simply avoiding taking care of himself – basically, he knows you’ll come to the rescue and do something when all he has to do is neglect it.
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine
- Paychecks
- Paying the bills (or his bills on top of yours)
- Getting a loan together (house, car, etc.) or loaning large amounts of money (for school, starting a business, etc.)
- Conjoining bank accounts or getting a joint credit card
- Making big, adult decisions together (financially, career-wise, etc.)
- Financial dependence (one sole provider in the relationship); meaning, one person doesn’t work NOR do they make any contribution whatsoever
- Assisting in debt (debt that likely won’t get paid off *unless* help is received) – you’re not responsible for!
- All of the above way too soon in the relationship
Am I saying that we should refrain from pursuing growth in our relationships?
It may seem that way, but no, absolutely not. We shouldn’t have to sit back and think, “Am I cooking too much for him? Could he be taking advantage of this and not see a reason to..[be exclusive, move in together, get married]?”
Unfortunately – yes – all of those wonderful qualities you bring into the relationship can be taken advantage of. And in many relationships where feelings, honesty, effort, and the willingness to commit aren’t mutual, they are in fact being taken for granted.
Living together involves gaining all the selfish perks of companionship and, well, an open invitation for more sex. I’m sorry, but it’s like test-driving a Porsche, experiencing and using it in all it’s glory, without the intent of buying it. So being a housewife, or his mother, gives him the inclination that you are more than willing to – yup, here it comes – do it all, to take on the load (the mental and emotional load, too) and take care of him without conditions or limitations. AKA you’re allowing him to drive that Porsche off the freaking lot! This is not the same as discovering compatibility – that’s what dating is for!
But, listen, if that’s your thing -#housewife or #wifelife goals – that’s awesome – and admirable – but that doesn’t mean you should be taken for granted by someone who isn’t willing to honor the end goal of making you that wife.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]In turn, these duties may become anticipated and expected yet not reciprocated, especially when we’re dealing with the money talk among couples. Being financially open together, or you being more financially open for him (when he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself), exposes your undying support without any sense of “reimbursement”. Ok, ok, ok, let’s call it “reinvestment” – like insurance. Sad, but true and necessary.
Notice I didn’t even mention sex as a factor. I wish I could, and I would, but let’s be real here – we live in the 21st century. Sex is no longer sacred, thanks to Hookup Culture and the normalization of casual [premarital] sex. Not shaming anyone, here, because even I am guilty of engaging in the same, but there’s still truth in this! Nowadays, if people want sex they can have and get sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone, regardless. It’s become a topic that is simply untouchable in the realm of instant gratification, sexploration and sexual liberation.
So with already bearing marital qualities in a relationship – what reason is a man given to want to marry? **hint hint** It should be integrity, but, you know, that would just be too easy.
It should be simple, right? He should feel blessed – privileged, even, to have found such an incredible woman. He should see those qualities as a rarity – something to be cherished. He should simply go to any length to hold onto and honor that, and you.
I will always believe that balance is the spice of life – everything is all in moderation. As I continue to talk with my husband on this subject, he affirms without an ounce of hesitance:
“You can’t dive in [within a relationship] full throttle. You have to give him a little ‘taste’ of what you have to offer in the relationship, but with the expectation of a deeper commitment needing to be fulfilled in the end. This is NOT ‘playing hard to get’ nor is this standard ‘too high’.“
And we wonder why courtship and chivalry is hung on the clothes line to dry these days.
Everything is attributed to being a mind game – we want the removal of all BS (which, I get) as well as the undertones of the things we now label as unnecessary and ‘too much‘. Chivalry and courtship among the very things deemed unnecessary and ‘too much’ [effort]. Therefore I think we [men and women] really have rid of a lot of self-respect in this regard toward relationships and marriage – that they should be treated as either solely a business OR non-committal (casual, no strings attached). All in the name of ‘avoiding’ the BS and mind games.
I will be the first to admit that I made the choice in bearing many of these “wifely” qualities while dating my husband. At the same time, I was also super lucky to have had a partner who understood [..my traditional values in courtship..] and allowed me to express my expectations of commitment (marriage), while also reaffirm them along the way. Talk of marriage was a constant in our relationship, not avoided, deflected, or shrugged off. Our goal was never with the intent to lead one another on to a dead-end.
This is a major part of the problem most women face in the first place – many not feeling safe expressing their aspiration for marriage or their expectations within commitment. There’s more often the fear of losing someone that supersedes our needs being met. Does that fear ultimately change the outcome? I highly doubt it. But, inarguably, many men are not doing their part in creating that safe space and environment for women.
My husband knew my expectations fairly early on in our relationship. And, no, it’s never too early to discuss your life aspirations – as in marriage. You’re not saying, “Let’s get married right now“, you’re simply stating, “This is what I aspire for myself in life – if you’re not on the same page as me, then let’s not waste our time.” Granted, maybe I didn’t mention that I was ready for marriage on the first date, but when talk came of our relationship “long-term” and there were innuendos about moving in together, this prompted discussions about our life aspirations and marital expectations. That,
A | I would not be making the jump to move in together with the intent to ‘play house‘, but with the incentive of building our relationship towards finalizing that deeper commitment. And,
B | that in doing so, I was not subjected to being his “wifey” [a spouse], nor would I be viewed as or expected to be one. Meaning, I was not relied on as a cook, maid, or caretaker. Though we shared/expressed similar values in traditional gender roles, our partnership was very EQUITABLE in terms of household and financial responsibilities.
and C | He had absolutely zero say in the use of my money – just as I had zero say in his – for as long as our mutual/shared financial responsibilities were being met. But that as our relationship progression continued, we would respect and value one another’s financial goals and paths as a whole for our future.
Turning that refusal into a proposal
Having and sharing marital roles should be more than acceptable in a relationship. It should be applauded.
It’s a great way of ensuring you and your partner are compatible long-term; however, as I have said before, all in moderation. He needs to know that these acts and qualities should not go on in perpetuity without further commitment. The relationship must be parallel to each other’s growing roles, or partnership – ultimately ending in the desired aspiration of marriage.
For those who find themselves already fulfilling their marital roles within the relationship, it’s important to express your desired aspirations and expectations within the relationship. More often than not, it may be that he does not simply realize that your expectations are not being met. Sometimes it’s even a complete misunderstanding on either side, where certain messages, signals, or efforts were all in all mislead or misread. For instance, by him asking you to move in you thought this was his “signal” that he was ready to take the plunge (marriage) when that simply wasn’t the case for him.
Many may treat marriage as something that remains unspoken until the “right time” – you know, that if it’s meant to be it will just…happen. And I’m beginning to notice this is how exclusivity in dating is also treated today. There’s this low-key presumptuous aspect to it, whereas to avoid any sense of relational expectations, and in fact, shunning them altogether. Um, people deserve to know where the f*ck they stand with someone based on intentions, value-alignment, and feelings, especially because these are all things that can ultimately change.
Early in the dating game, my [now husband] had made the assumption (randomly, in conversation) that we were exclusive. I made it clear that he never expressed or verbalized his desire for exclusivity, nor asked to be or considered my stance on the subject. Let’s just say it didn’t take him long to get the hint that for me exclusivity required verbal recognition and validation.
Not based on the assumption. And that is not a solid foundation a relationship can grow from. So, please, rid yourself of this so-called modern deformation of relationships (no matter what phase you’re in).
On the flip side, he may not be on the same page or he is fearful/hesitant of expanding his commitment. This fear may have a lot to do with giving up his independence, masculinity, sexual explorations, and ultimately that you and the relationship will change after marriage (much of which for the worst). It’s important to reassure him that his fears are valid while standing firm with your aspirations for marriage.
And at some point, we have to peel off the blinders: If your SO feels there is no reason to commit to the relationship through marriage, it’s likely that he simply doesn’t respect your aspirations or unmet expectations because he is already getting everything he wants out of the relationship.
With that, I want to end this post with a true story:
My husband has an old childhood friend – who had a long-term girlfriend from college. They were together for years, moved across the country for their jobs, and settled in a new state together. She began carrying on the role of a wife in their growing relationship, in hopes of igniting that next further step of commitment.
But he saw no need to rush into that commitment (seeing as they had been together for many happy years already).
In time, she moved out – taking a step back from her current situation – since her needs were not being fulfilled, as she was blatantly fulfilling all of his.
Today: they are now married, with kids.
wpDiscuz