You’re exclusive, but now he stopped being romantic

When we think of romance – we think heart-stopping butterflies, that vigorous desire for adventure and the anticipation of endless possibilities with someone special. When we’re romanced, we feel good – it is what it is. And when we have this feeling from that perfect person, it should last a lifetime on its own, right? But once you sign that dotted line – whether that be marriage or making the relationship officially “exclusive” – it seems as though those butterfly feels romance brings begins to fizzle. He may even have halted bringing the romance altogether.

Romance is not a one size fits all, and it still requires mutual effort. When we delve into the nitty-gritty layers of our relationships sometimes the romance can take a hard hit. Even in milestones or life-altering changes can minimize the light of romance, such as parenthood. At times it may feel impossible to retain in troubled relationships, or romance may not be all that authentic from the very beginning, and instead used as a ploy to one’s advantage.

The key is understanding that the romance isn’t necessarily what defines a lasting, meaningful relationship. Personally I believe as much as relationships are meant to grow and evolve, so does and should our idea of romanticism. But you may be wondering why the romance has suddenly disappeared from the radar in your marriage or relationship.

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You’re exclusive, but now he stopped being romantic

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To be more rash, he got what he wanted from you

This might be more intended for those in the early phase of dating, but I really don’t want this to come off sounding as ugly as it seems. In other words, as much as we avoid wanting to view dating as a challenge with a winning prize, once you’ve reached mutual exclusivity it can often feel like a big sigh of relief. Like, you’re committed now so it’s okay to take your shoes and socks off – let your shoulders relax a bit. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing – I’d say it’s fairly natural, in fact – unless there’s just a bit too much comfort and complacency happening, you feel me?

Or this take can go completely south – to the other extreme. Meaning he ultimately got his cake and ate it, too. Anddddd he’s had enough, where each new piece gets smaller and smaller along with the effort and investment that follows. In worst-case scenarios, he may even gaslight you for noticing. Just a heads up!

Although it should be no surprise – romance can be used as a lure tactic in dating from the very beginning (well, hellooooo Love-bombing). Sure, it’s nice to have finally met someone that willingly brings you flowers every.single.time he sees you, but there’s just something fishy about a guy who comes on a little too strong these days. We need not forget that what goes up will gradually come down. If it’s the ideal relationship, it should go back up naturally because equal feelings generally means equal effort.

It’s important to keep your eyes peeled for that sudden decline early on.

Marriage has its peaks and valleys

I say this lightly since it’s an obvious truth that kinda goes hush hush.

My husband was never the very romantic type to begin with, yet he does his very best to be. I’d define him as that quirky romantic, if that makes any sense. Of course he did things like bought me flowers, picked me up for dates (and paid) – I very much consider those things romantic – yet there was far more lightheartedness to it than the heartfelt serious tone most seem to define as romance. Sexual might even be a better word.

And if I’m really honest, the romantic gestures have tapered back after 6 years together and almost 3 years of marriage. It doesn’t mean he has completely stopped romantic gestures altogether, but it means they are far more special when the effort is made. On the other hand, there are so many other ways romance shines through that didn’t exist while we were dating.

Yet if I were to expect my husband to be the romantic prince charming I met years ago 24/7/365, I’m pretty sure he would be emotionally exhausted, financially drained and inevitably likely to cause more conflict in our marriage than intended.

I think he would also start to feel inadequate as a spouse, and maybe even resent me for it.

The thing is, even without the romance I still know he Loves me. I get it – we all fancy the extra initiation from time to time. No harm in that. I believe it is normal to experience these on and off periods – if we are considering weeks and months, not years. It’s important to be able to have that open relationship in being able to discuss times in these peaks and valleys, but at the same time, it is also how you convey the message. While my intention for telling my husband, “It’s been weeks since you last bought me flowers – you used to do nice things for me, remember?” is to justify my worry and disappointment as for the decline in romantic gestures, but a condescending approach is the sure-fire way for your partner to deny your needs.

This approach might also make him feel downright disrespected or unappreciated, even if it is the case that your needs are not being met.

Instead of focusing on the culprit or reason for the problem, tell your partner what you need. Try expressing your admiration for when your partner brought you flowers, wrote you love letters, etc. etc., such as “Remember when you wrote love letters for me to wake up to as you left to work? I loved those, and I really miss them from you…“

The relationship itself stopped being… fun

Sometimes without you even realizing it.

If you were to consider your relationship without romance entirely… it should still be enjoyable. The pillars of the foundation in your relationship are not built on the essence of a fairy tale – not even close. It’s time (years and years) of intentional effort in communication, partnership and friendship.

The romance? That’s literally just the cherry on top.

The romance may have seemed so effortless and natural in the beginning, but that’s because that is all there was. You knew nothing about one another and had only just begun building on those crucial pillars in the foundation of your relationship.

But no relationship is perfect. Every relationship has its faults and setbacks, which can cause those pillars to chip, wither, lean and weaken over time. Naturally this can cause the focus of the relationship to shift, and not always for the better. This is the fork that can either suck the life out of a relationship, or make an impact towards improvement. Couples need to be able to see hardship as a turning point for growth, which is actually a positive thing.

When all of those crucial pillars in your relationship are in balance, the cherry will likely fall into place itself. Though, yes, romance is still intentional. So when the relationship itself is fun and enjoyable without it, implementing romance usually becomes a natural incentive.

Sometimes it isn’t romance that will fix the issues – it’s about mending and building upon the pillars that make up your relationship in its entirety.

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Romance is a two-way street, too

OK, so men may not see romance the same way we do, but have you taken into account that his wooing needs aren’t being taken into consideration?

I’m extremely guilty of slacking in this department. There are times I catch myself thinking that the effort in romancing my husband is just a waste of time.

We may not see it enough, but romance IS a two way street. So start implementing ways to romance your man in a way that is meaningful to him, such as sending him off to enjoy a a much needed boys night or planning an experience that takes you both out of your comfort zones. Pick up on a hobby that interests him, take initiation and switch things up in the bedroom, or spend quality time in a way that is totally up his alley.

Just saying… when our partner feels valued and appreciated, they are likely to go beyond what is expected of them.

He (or you) may have romance completely misunderstood

In this sense, romance may have become routine.

For me, the romance is supposed to feel special as much as it should be anticipated. I consider a date night out to a fancy dinner as being romanced. The difference is my husband and I don’t go on fancy, decked out dates fairly often – other than special occasions or the intermittent surprise. If we routinely spent every Friday and Saturday night going out to nice restaurants or on elaborate dates, it can begin to feel more like a lifestyle than a romantic gesture.

Imagine if Christmas (or you favorite Holiday) came around more than once a year? Despite the sudden excitement in the moment, I’ll bet over time it wouldn’t be as much anticipated. It actually might be more exhausting and dreadful.

There are also times when romantic gestures can be misunderstood in terms of how you and your partner define romance. For instance, my husband is super goofy at heart – the Jim Carrey funny type – and I LOVE him for it. I’d have it no other way, but all jokes and funny business aside there are times where I misinterpret his initiation for romance.

Sometimes being romantic isn’t everyone’s forte, if you know what I mean.  For many, the idea can be exhausting and at times…exaggerated. While I love when my husband comes home and surprises me with flowers after having a terrible day (and he does from time to time), he knows that is not my idea of romance. So for obvious reasons, he knows flowers are not the way to my heart when it comes to romance.

The point is…romance is not to be labeled as an expectation, but simply an incentive. The incentive to show Love in a way that is heartfelt to your partner.

Again, men also enjoy being romanced – likely in a different way than you.

With that said, I define romance entirely different to someone else, and the way I enjoy being romanced isn’t necessarily by the book. It isn’t always the expensive, fancy dinners or big bouquet of roses, and in terms of romance that can easily be misunderstood from a guy’s perspective.

Romance isn’t always superficial, or daunting. It can be, but that isn’t the rep it should have.

Romance correlates to the way(s) we simply Love to be Loved. Whether that be through acts of service or kindness, chivalry, affection, sex, intimacy, quality time together, emotional connection, fun and laughter, spontaneity, or the giving and receiving of gifts. So it’s important to talk about romance as a part of your emotional needs (as well as his) in the way that makes you feel the most Loved in your marriage or relationship.