Why He Is Being Distant [+ What You Can Do About It]

Distance isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But when does it become an issue?

I felt this distance when my husband started back up working night shift as a police officer for the first time since moving in together, and getting married. So now, at 6pm he leaves for work, comes home at 7am. As I’m getting up in the morning, he’s going to bed. Then he gets up at 5pm to go back to work. Meals are off, being that breakfast for him is dinner for me.

It’s days like this I usually get a quick hello and goodbye before he’s off to work 80+ hour weeks.

There’s some distance in there – noticeable or not.

There are several negative reasons someone might be distant, but it could also be part of their personality. A lot of times, distance can be something created out of normalcy. It may or may not be intentional. And there is also a healthy distance, such as the need for personal space. As in any relationship, or marriage, distance happens more often than you realize. When it starts to impact or interfere with the quality of the relationship is where distance may be the problem.

He just needs some breathing room

This is fairly common. Just like my husband needed as he flip flopped his schedule for work. He needed my understanding and moral support.  Changes in his life, or your lives together can cause a subtle reasoning for distance. Think of it more as emotional and psychological self-preparation.

If you’re spending every waking minute together, and he has finally worked up the nerve to tell you he wants to be alone tonight, that’s his kindest way of saying ‘I need MY time‘, or self care. And if you’re not respecting this need, he’s probably resorting to distant behavior.

Give him his breathing room, and in the mean time, take time to yourself. If you’re constantly calling, texting or begging to be with him – he will distance himself more (and maybe second guessing the relationship). Too much space is one thing, but you need to be able to respect him as well as yourself. If you can’t handle the amount of space he requires, don’t be in that relationship.

He has family issues/his own issues

That don’t need to involve you.

Everyone has family drama. And if you’re not his wife or fiance, he doesn’t feel you need to be exposed or a part of this level of stress in his life, or be an additive to it. If family problems are clearly evident, and he’s open with you on the matter, he’s allowing himself to feel vulnerable around you. But he may also be looking for you to respect his distance pertaining to how open he is with his personal matters, and how involved he wants you to be.

Sometimes guys are not looking for a resolution to a problem, and he may not be looking to dump his feelings, either. Help him by letting him know you are there for him in his time of need and that you understand why he is being distant. Give him a little time, and he will likely thank you for it. If you find that his personal problems, or family drama, interferes with your relationship expectations… it may be time to walk away.

He is stressing at work or school

Another common stresser we all endure. Some just handle it much different.

He’s looking to better his career, and to make a life for himself. That may require more work than what he’s putting into his relationship. Granted, this isn’t always a healthy approach to relationships, but it is what it is. I’m married, and I know there are periods where it can feel like my husband puts forth more effort into work than into our marriage. This isn’t necessarily intentional, as long as it he bounces back.

You should never have to make him pick sides, nor should you. But realize that if he’s stressed out about work or school, it’s only because he is trying his hardest to optimize his life for a future.

Discuss how the matter makes you feel, while striving to understand and appreciate his dedication and hard work. True ambition is hard to come by these days. It doesn’t always mean he is giving up on the relationship – he is only human. If you’re beginning to feel less of a priority, try to discuss forming a balance, which may take some initiative on your part. Distance due to life stresses is something you are guaranteed to face in relationships, it’s inevitable, and if you can work through these tough times together you will come out stronger in the end.

He’s just genuinely busy

Work, school, a mixture of all of the above listed so far, and then some. If you’re not living together, the expectation of time spent together can be quick to blame for distance in relationships. If you’re so used to getting together three times a week, or being together all weekend – that first time he says he’s busy an entire weekend can raise that red flag in your mind. I get it.

If there is minimal to no communication that supports his distance, this may be the time to question his motives.

Talk about it. You have the right to know if you should be managing your time elsewhere, and not wasting it on the waiting game. Same thing for those in long term relationships, or in marriage: talk it through, and let him know how you feel. You are deserving of his time, and the time will be made if he balances you as a part of his life priorities.

He may be second guessing the relationship, or a particular situation

Whether you’ve had a fight that has brought you to non-speaking terms or have had a rocky period in the relationship, it could be why he seems to have “checked out“. Sometimes time apart in tough times are beneficial, but when you’re on days or weeks of silence or absence is it time to be in question.

It’s the kind of distance that makes you question whether you’re even together, or if he wants to be together at all. At some point there has to be a level of maturity and integrity if you serious about the relationship. Hardship can’t simply be a reason to dip and return out of convenience. That’s not a relationship, that’s someone taking advantage of the situation.

When you’re in a rough patch, it’s always important to understand that it takes two – every time. And it requires the willingness to understand each other’s feelings, listening, speaking your peace, and making the step to move forward. Not putting it off to “figure things out”. When there’s that need for more time, that may simply mean he is questioning whether or not the relationship is worth it altogether.

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he’s dodging his feelings

That means he actually has feelings for you, but there’s a catch. Some people are prone to self-sabotage, so they run for the hills at the sign of connection on his end. These are feelings he may be afraid to process let alone show it in a way that allows for relationship growth. Or on the flip side, he’s trying to avoid feelings he didn’t expect to have in the first place.

There’s the whole apprehension of ‘it’s too good to be true‘ or he’s preparing for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. This is far more common than you might consider, and for many guys even admitting those feelings to themselves alone might be difficult enough if they’ve been burned in their past. They believe that if they just deny their reality then they won’t ever get hurt.

So this might be your chance to approach him more gently and to show him that his feelings are meant to be explored and embraced, not to be mistaken, destroyed or hidden.

His friends are part of the reason

Dating, or being in a relationship with someone, can be straining if he has sh*tty friends. Let’s be real, external friendships shouldn’t have that much of an effect on your relationship, but the fact is the effect may be more on him.

Which ultimately effects you, and the relationship.

This can cause disruption and interference. He may also not prioritize his time fairly (the bro before hoes mannerism, as they say). Unfortunately, maturity is much of a factor in that. A relationship is by definition a commitment – it requires nurturing, time, effort, compromise and sacrifice, and protection.

It’s simple – if the relationship is a priority, you won’t have to beg for his time. You won’t have to force him to prioritize the relationship, and you sure as hell wouldn’t be the one reaping the consequences of friends that have a negative impact on him and the relationship.

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consider that the reason might be you

Hear me out.

Negative energy and attitude has such a powerful effect, and much of the time we are unaware of that negativity being brought to the table.

We get comfortable in our relationships and begin to show our true colors (sometimes the colors that should probably stay in the box). It’s hard not to exude some of the things we don’t mean to.

Unfortunately, this can raise a red flag, making him take a big leaping step back when you take your own leap off the deep end. When you become too dependent or independent, too needy or bossy, too clingy or obsessive and too negative.

I don’t want to have to say it, but sometimes awareness requires keeping yourself in check. Your words, actions, behaviors and attitude. I have to do this periodically, where I catch myself often being too stubborn, evasive or insensitive.

Most of that negativity gets dumped onto my husband, and that’s not okay. Even if he deserves it. His immediate reaction may be to withdraw or pull back (I don’t blame him). The right guy will have already spoke to you about what bothers him, but many times they have the most difficult time bringing up flaws within the relationship because they are trying to avoid creating more problems or in fear or being shut down.

It’s important to own up to our imperfections, learn from them and aim to do better. So communication is key, and having the ability to receive constructive criticism.

He’s playing off the fact he “won” you

This one is a mind game. It’s also purely ego.

If you’ve ever heard of the chase when it comes to dating, then you likely understand what that means. If done right, or in a healthy manner, there really is nothing wrong with the chase. Personally I think society has uprooted toxic behaviors behind it, so it’s true meaning and intent has been severely downplayed.

People have taken advantage of it.

That once he’s won you over, he won’t feel obligated to putting in as much effort to keep you. However, this doesn’t always come off as malicious as it sounds. Complacency is a major factor that naturally sets into new relationships or couples who have been dating for long periods. This can mean less interaction or communication or fewer date nights out.

Sure, this is all within moderation. Just because he’s not texting you throughout the day like he used to, or now initiates movie and dinner at his place more often doesn’t necessarily mean he’s putting the relationship on the back burner. But if he abruptly stops pushing the ends of spontaneity, or has rid of all courtship entirely like a light switch, it could be his ego playing the game.

Sometimes people need a good nudge in the rear, and there’s a way to do this without coming across needy or high maintenance. Remind him of what you deserve. There was a reason he did all those things in the beginning, and if he’s truly interested there won’t be a good enough reason to stop them. If you want to be taken out on a date, call him up, and let him know you want to be courted.

[Related Read: Digital privacy in my marriage (we have no secrets!)]

He did something wrong, and knows it

He may be able to hide his feelings fairly well, but it’s his actions that can give it away. If he’s done something wrong – like that guilty, she’s-going-to-flip-her-lid wrong – it wouldn’t be surprising that he may be buckling down for an appropriate time to fill you in.

Instead, his distance can usually end up creating suspicion, or making a situation go from bad to worse.

This is not the time to go full on attack or detective mode. Don’t go investigating into his personal life. Guys, good guys, typically are fairly open with their feelings once confronted with your concerns. This goes without saying that good guys are more honest and forthright, and simply have a mature sense of integrity.

He may not be interested anymore

Or has interests in others outside of you.

And clearly he hasn’t told you, which is why you are left questioning his distance in the first place. Unfortunately, unless you get clarity directly, you won’t ever really know for sure. Even then you may have to trust what he says otherwise.

But if in your heart you feel your feelings for one another are off balance, and that you fall short in his priorities, it may be the time to start questioning your own deserving. If he says he is interested, yet you genuinely don’t feel that way, then his words won’t be enough to make you happy.

A person who is genuinely interested won’t ever leave you with doubt.