When you don’t know yourself anymore in this life, remember..

Something has been difficult coming to terms with lately, and it was like the Universe gave me a sign from a thought I had a little while back.

I was feeling lost – I just wasn’t sure why. All I knew is that I didn’t feel like myself, or that I had lost who I was. 

And that was terrifying to admit, even to myself. I think I had been feeling that way much longer than I realized, and that I was simply masking it with life as we know it. As beings, I know we evolve – we change, grow, and adapt – but still there’s a core individual underneath all that. I knew who I wanted to be, or vaguely who I thought I was, but I found that is not in alignment with who I really am – my true self.

See, I used to make time for things I really enjoyed, such as writing – aside from this blog – and painting. I didn’t care about providing my livelihood – I did these things as an escape from reality, from life, out of self-fulfillment. Now those things have become consumed by this sense of guilt. It’s like my brain tells me those things are purposeless and irrelevant – like I wasn’t allowed to enjoy them if they weren’t getting me somewhere or I wasn’t contributing to something. That I’m an adult and I needed to act like one.

Yep, there’s that belligerent inner critic.

It’s like I wasn’t allowing myself to be. There are even qualities about myself I mull over again and again because they make me feel so insignificant, weak, and shameful. My introversion, unconventional yet grayscale way of thinking, lack of open affection or desire to please others (even though my inner peace depends on it), and not feeling compelled to fit in with the crowd or fulfill the desires of others, just to name a few.  These are my truths – the things about myself I’ve been burying under the rug over and over again.

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They are qualities I was constantly told are undesirable and unloving, that needed to be changed if I wanted to fit the standards of society, a selfless human being, or in order to be loved… so to speak. I knew I was different but didn’t know the extent of not fitting into the box of people who are considered “normal” with “universal” qualities.

Personally, I think our childhood is a perfect reflection of knowing our true selves, not because we are growing and learning, but because we simply know nothing else. We embrace our true selves for who we are, with whole-hearted acceptance as we peel back each layer, without believing we have to mold into being someone else for anyone. And certainly not to fit into a box.

So thinking back on my childhood – as the shy, reserved person on the outside, an unconventional, creative thinker with feelings on the inside, who’d rather observe than participate in what others were doing, and had this longing to be liked and accepted yet embraced being different without following the crowd – I knew nothing other than to love and honor myself.

As a child, I never saw myself as undesirable, unworthy or a wrong needing to be corrected.

But everyone wants to be loved, so as we get older we subconsciously mold and conform ourselves to society (or in order to be accepted by those we deeply care about) in hopes to achieve that. It’s like wearing a mask over ourselves, our true identity, because it’s what gets us the results we think we need in order to survive this life. 

In a sense, we treat our true selves, in its rawest form, as not enough.

I mean that is the world we live in right now – everything we hear, do, and see is streaming with conformity, trickery, mind-control, and in-authenticity in some way.

[Related Read: An Open Letter to My Teenage Self on Boys and Love – My Words of Millennial Wisdom]

So maybe my mask was starting to catch up to me, or wearing off. The question of my true light was beginning to shine through – leaving me confused and unaware of the possibility that I had been veiling over my true self since childhood. That alone is disheartening and frightening! I had no idea who the person I truly was when looking in the mirror – I saw my reflection, but there was this person that felt like a complete stranger to me peering back at me.

At 30 years old I thought I would have had a grip on identity. I am well into my adult years, diving into the rest of my life and feeling like I should have my ins and outs wired already. Yet I don’t. I’m 30 years old and just now rediscovering myself – that’s invigorating as much as it is painful.

Mostly gut-wrenching since the moment I finally told my husband, “I may not be the woman you think you married.” I told him I had been experiencing this feeling of absence, loss, and confusion within myself, and that has been one of the most challenging things to admit in my life. I felt like such a failure in that moment. And this has all made me realize my own truths, as well as truths in life. So if you’re feeling lost (in life and about who you are), here are 7 things to remember.

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When you don’t know yourself anymore in this life, remember..

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you’re not living your life for others

Only you.

You weren’t brought into this world to accommodate the expectations of others. You exist to create your own path, have your own beliefs, make your own choices, and meet and exceed your own expectations.

If you are only living to please others, that is like aiming for a moving target. In other words, having expectations is like knowingly setting yourself up for disappointment. Once we stop having expectations or aiming to please the constant and evolving demands of others, is when we finally take charge and control of our life.

In other words from the wise, put on your oxygen mask first.

solitude can lead to peace

Only recently have we started bringing some positive light to being alone. For example, a man or woman making the choice to focus on their life or purpose without a partner…without children…without a corporate job, etc. 

There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Everyone experiences loneliness, even when they’re in the [constant] presence of others. We must remember that even the happiest couples and well-liked individuals feel lonely or alone in the world.

Solitude gives you the opportunity to truly find “you”, and to understand peace. When you are alone, with only yourself and your thoughts, it can bring you clarity, allow you to think more deeply, and increase empathy, creativity,  productivity, and improve mental strength.

Yet solitude is often feared when it shouldn’t. And allowing that fear to consume you more often ends in self-destruction.

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being your authentic, true self is okay

You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. If you’re a peach – well, that’s sweet, but not everyone likes peaches. See what I mean? So imagine if in life you fear not being liked or accepted by anyone and everyone you meet?

*Raises hand* This is my struggle, too.

When you hear the word change, change, change thrown around like it ain’t no thang – you must remember that doesn’t literally mean you, as a person, and all that makes you who you are as an individual. We are told to embrace change, adapt to changes, and strive to improve, learn and grow.

This simply means that we are encouraged to taking a look at the bigger picture, to look both inward and outward – at our faults, flaws and behavior – and have an open mind to bettering ourselves. Like it or not, we all have healthy and unhealthy qualities, and we are inclined to assume self-responsibility for how and when those qualities negatively impact our lives and others.

But being you, all of you, and your true self is more than okay.

If you’re struggling to find acceptance in your true self or having a difficult time finding your true self (like I once was), the Enneagram really opened my eyes to who I am, and why I am the way I am, over who I thought I was or wanted to be. I highly recommend reading The Road Back To You as a start to your journey in self-discovery.

let go of what’s holding you back (or imprisoning you)

Easier said than done for most, but there are certain exceptions that should never become exceptions to your discontentment and fulfillment in life –your personal relationships, job, or past guilt and trauma are perfect examples, just to name a few.

The moment you are no longer self-reliant and solely depend on things, and others, in life for your happiness is when you are willingly giving up control of your own happiness. Now your fulfillment in life is dependent on the fulfillment and approval of others. Codependency is when you rely on finding yourself (your value and worth) in another person.

You are the only person who can make yourself feel whole, and it’s nothing or nobody else’s duty to fulfill that. And sometimes that simply requires you to let go, and let God.

you’re allowed to feel

Let’s unpack what that actually means, because whenever I hear, “Feel your feelings,” this sends me into stimulation and emotional overdrive because I think I’m supposed to cry, complain, be angry, or sit in my stream of unnerving thoughts when actually these feelings are derived by my thoughts or something that has happened to me. What it actually means to “feel your feelings” is to “feel your body“. It means being more presently aware of what’s happening in your body, tuning into the sensations of your body (heavy breathing, sweating, facial hotness, twitching, stomach cramping, legs on pins and needles, limb numbness, brain fog, etc.), naming them, acknowledging them, validating them, and continuing to do this until the “feelings” subside and have passed.

We don’t do this enough, because more often than not we’re not taught how to properly self-regulate let alone what it means to truly feel our feelings. Though there is far more to life than what you feel, the essence of your mental health and overall wellbeing depends on it. So go ahead and take the time to feel everything.

society has become masters of disguise

The truth is, people are fond of only sharing life’s highlights rather than low lights. As a whole, we fear judgement, criticism, shame and insecurity. We hate not having it together or not having life all figured out, while assuming everyone else around us just gets it. 

We hide the truth, we hide the bad times, the sad, lonely times, the lowest of the low times, and the times we’re embarrassed or ashamed of. This isn’t a matter of keeping areas of our lives in private, otherwise we would do that regardless if our relationships were flourishing, jobs progressing, families growing and money taking us and giving us the things we want in life.

But that’s what we do – we choose what we want to remain private. And it’s usually the less than ideal or life moments that make us feel insecure.

So you really shouldn’t presume everything you see on the internet as wholesomely authentic. Besides, many times it’s those who have it all that are actually suffering on the inside.

Because the truth is society as a whole has become masters of disguising reality.  

[Related Read: 7 Things that are holding you back in life (Let them go!)]

everyone feels lost at some point

We may not feel lost consecutively, or simultaneously, but I mean everyone goes through this motion. 

The thing is we’re all technically banded into this world, this life together. We are all literally interconnected. No matter how bad things get or how good some have it – we all wound up meeting in the same place in the end.

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