Does it even make sense?? Being more fearful of finding a good guy that doesn’t come with all the drama-filled, emotionally exhausting, roller coaster ride of your previous toxic relationships?
Listen, that very fear is valid. But breathe easy when I say this transition through healing will pass. It won’t be easy at first, it’ll even seem unnatural at first, but that’s because peace and security may not be a familiar experience.
Gone are the days you wake up and wonder how they will treat you today versus yesterday, or if they’ll even acknowledge you exist. A peaceful, drama-free, loving, mature, and genuine relationship is all new, and it may not be totally welcomed with open arms – be more conscious of that. If you come from a history of bad relationships, you’re more than likely carrying over some of that residual poison with you.
Not to worry because that fear is going to open up A LLLLLLLLLLLLOT of what your previous relationships conditioned and taught you. But you can heal from all of it, one step at a time. If there’s one thing a decent relationship will show you over the bad ones is that a good guy will show you that you don’t need to be lugging around all that extra weight – he’ll even help you unpack your bags for as long as you’re willing!
When Finding A Good Guy Is Scarier Than Your Toxic Relationships
It will all feel foreign to you
Literally, it will be like learning a new language. Or, rather, like trying to understand someone that speaks a different language and putting your faith and trust in them. There’s no doubt you will be uncomfortable, resistant, and even in denial. Obviously this can bring out feelings of anxiousness, doubt (a lot), and emotional exhaustion at times (in the beginning), like what you experienced throughout your toxic relationships (again, this is a feeling familiar to you). Only this time these feelings may only be serving to falsely protect you, which can actually do more harm than good.
You will quickly realize what you carried over from your toxic relationships
If you’ve been dealt the string of bad relationships and crappy men, it’s almost inevitable you will also drag along some of that dirty laundry with you – stench included. Even if you’ve taken all the needed time in singlehood to unpack your suitcase, when you finally do rise out of the shadows and stumble onto this rare gem, there’s still the chance you forgot to change out of the very clothes you were wearing.
This could attribute to the question many women have often asked: “Why do I end up ruining ‘a good thing’ when I finally found it?“
Implying that you may have bore some of that residual toxicity sounds so depleting and offensive, doesn’t it? Especially when not everything you learn from unhealthy relationships are bad – some make you stronger than you were before, in ways you may not see (yet). So let’s make it a bit more professional and call it trauma wounds.
You have an array of experienced trauma wounds from your history of really crappy treatment as well as ongoing patterns of negative habits and unhealthy behaviors in relationships. Consequently, you may have also taken part in some of it, too.
Therefore this is trauma you have learned and accepted as normal over time – some wounds cut that deep. This could be poor communication (gaslighting, verbal abuse, or lacking the ability to express your needs and feelings), distrust or turpitude (infidelity, deceit, control, neglect, and secrecy), and more importantly a lack of self-worth (what you will and will not tolerate from others).
Ultimately this becomes a repetitive cycle – from the kind of attention you seek, the partners you choose, as well as those you attract into your life having similar trauma. This repetitive cycle can affect you long-term, showing up like a parasite in areas of your life where it doesn’t belong and even carried over into your healthy relationships.
Breaking this cycle is a tough pill to swallow because it requires you to become aware of the unhealthy patterns that lead to the same unhealthy results. And that first step is usually to address the pattern of self-neglect.
You will confuse a lot of healthy qualities with toxic ones
You may also find that healthy relationship qualities surface your innermost struggles (again, unresolved trauma), such as trust, insecurity, control, self-esteem, and codependency – evident from previous relationships. As a way of dealing with or processing those deep-rooted struggles, you may end up projecting your insecurities onto a healthy relationship.
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I used to make smart remarks (assumptions) that he will suck at communicating and get defensive about everything since that is exactly what I previously experienced most often in my past relationships. When, fact, he was proving me otherwise.
Another example is because you experienced a relationship where there was often distrust on whereabouts, you might experience some discomfort when he doesn’t question your every move or that he freely checks in with you on his. In other ways, you may see his respect for upholding certain boundaries as being callous, or that his higher level of emotional maturity will somehow convince you he’s uninterested and non-committal. This boundary could be that he doesn’t do sleep overs with someone he’s not in a long-term relationship with, and someone with a higher level of emotional maturity will be vigilant (about a relationship’s needs) without needing to be obsessive (through Love-bombing).
In this confusion, it’s also fairly common to create, imagine, assume, or anticipate problems that don’t really exist. I did this, too. Finding a good guy had me thinking or convinced of things like, “he’s too busy for me, he won’t make time for me, I’m not as important, he won’t put me first, he’d rather work than spend time with me, he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I do him,” and so on…when those insecurities were not my reality. Whereas in my previous toxic relationship I would have to throw myself at him and fight endlessly for time, effort and attention because the source of my insecurity was not being a priority.
While you’re trying to make sense of your feelings and grasp an understanding of this major shift – it may scare the hell out of you. You may even experience insecurities you never knew you had. So it will be extremely vital to be more gentle with yourself and this new experience as well as to be more self-forgiving.
Worse off, the experience of being with a ‘good guy‘ may even bore you
If you’re someone with a bad boy type, this is especially for you. The thing is, the standard definition of the bad boy type is a little bit different from mine. But I think we can all agree they share quite a few common qualities outside the perceived mysteriousness, arrogance, leather-jacket-wearing motorcycler, covered in tattoos – takes advice from no one, doesn’t follow the rules and is predominantly known for being a walking Sex.
Let’s be honest here, that last one is ranked first on the list for what most anticipate when it comes to bad boy, rebellion being a close second. FIY, it wasn’t just sex that made Christian Grey captivate – I kid you not – millions of women. If I said the truth aloud, most women today wouldn’t be having it. Though most tend to fall back on the,
“There’s just something about them – I can’t put my finger on it – that is so enticing and infatuating.“
Here’s my finger ——–> It’s called inconsistent, emotionally exhausting, domineering, manipulative, objectified, and hyper-fantasized adrenaline that has a very short life span. That doesn’t, won’t and never will translate to Love. It’s *intoxicating* because it isn’t Love, it’s actually the opposite. It’s all the things Love is not.
Intoxicating, today, is exciting – is it not? So, then, what does that make Love? First things first, we have a lot to unlearn about Love so that we do not fall victim to the twisted and perverted definition that was created and is being reinforced.
Your gut reaction when things do get “tough” is to cut the cord
If you were in previous relationships that ended abruptly without notice, and ceasing the relationship was commonly used as a threat, to spark a reaction or even get attention, then calling it quits at the sign of a quarrel or any minor inconvenience will almost seem second nature.
You may have learned from your toxic relationships that it’s better to quit while you’re ahead. You know, before you’re in too deep. To avoid the heartache, nipping things in the bud has become way easier. Sorry, but this is isn’t always the healthiest outlook if you’re actually aiming for a serious, committed relationship.
Minor setbacks may end up leaving you in shambles, causing you to overlook every other obvious good quality he possesses and presents in a relationship. Your gut reaction might be to – yes, I’m about to say it – make mountains out of molehills and let one insignificant bad outweigh all the good. More or less, your energy is spent waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if you’re expecting him to fail and it be only a matter of time. This implies no relationship is worthy of fighting for or capable of overcoming obstacles.
Every relationship will endure hardship, some of the toughest, unexpected obstacles. When you find a good guy, these hardships and obstacles are not something you go through alone or on your own. It’s important not to confront your triggers rather than avoiding conflict or confrontation, and not letting past fears dictate the outcome of every situation moving forward.
