Sometimes I feel like the meaning of ‘respect’ gets watered down, you know? We pick and choose what suits our definition best (or what resonates most). Like, respect is how we treat others. Or, respect is having high regard or admiration for someone. Or, respect is simply human decency, no matter what.
In regard to respect pertaining to the dating world, I tend to notice its lackluster even more…increasingly. It’s like we either neglect or minimize its appeal (and, frankly, requirement) since relationships also require vulnerability. The two go hand in hand, yet I think today we avoid or excuse that at all costs, thanks to our past painful experiences. For example, because that guy cheated on you now no man is deserving of your respect.
It’s not always easy to respect someone who blatantly hurts you or even disrespects you. Welcome to the flawed human condition at its finest! No but, in all seriousness, maybe that’s why respect – in dating and relationships – is often treated like trust, where it is to be earned than given freely.
All I know is, listen, respect is a bare minimum – it’s not conditional, and doesn’t need to be earned, deserving, or proven. If it’s not [already] there, it wasn’t intended to be. So when a man respects you, to sum it all up, he wants you to know for certain.
*The End!*
Totally kidding. But before you read the rest of this post, think about what it means to respect and be respected. Now ask yourself how you know when a man (whom you are getting to know or are in a relationship with) respects you.
A man who respects you will want you to know..
Frankly, respect is often viewed, understood, and performed on surface-level tendencies. In fact, when you really think about it, respect can actually be offensive today, especially in the dating world. Yet we also have a tough time understanding and accepting the fact that we can respect someone AND not agree with or support them on something. Plus, we should also know [by now] that anyone can show “respect” by lavishing you, knowing consent, and being cordial…while still being deceptive or unfaithful, right?
Maybe it’s just me but respect has to be a lot deeper, more or less obvious. Like, when a man truly respects you…he’s willing and able to accept that respect isn’t only within the bounds of his own comfort. Yours, too! It isn’t necessarily doing what’s easy, it’s doing what’s right. So when a man respects you (and I mean truly respects you), he WANTS you to know…
Dating 101: when a man respects you, he WANTS you to know..
how he feels [for you] + where you stand [in his life]
No need for hint-dropping, doubting, wondering, and questioning because he’s already ahead of you. And in all honesty, really, we should know by now that a man truly likes you when it’s obvious, not uncertain. It will be a progression of growth with consistency, not this high and low climatics or theatrics.
And he will not only show it but also express it. Granted, this does not necessarily denounce the large (and probable) majority who struggle with identifying and expressing their feelings, especially when and how others are looking for it. Therefore, he won’t call you needy for asking, or seeking clarity and reassurance, either.
But here’s the tea: a man who respects you won’t use his feelings (or lack thereof) and yours against you, or to his advantage.
In short, he values keeping you up-to-date (and not just when you need it) and staying on the same page (that equally prioritizes and satisfies you both) as well as letting you know if/when any changes or unalignment presents itself. Quite literally, the last thing he wants to do is lead you on or waste one another’s time, let alone risk losing you by playing off your feelings (and his own).
So while you may be itching for exclusivity (the title, commitment, monogamy) and he’s just not there yet – he won’t go along a pace that exceeds his feelings for you, even if it’s the pace you want. For instance, if you’re ready to take the next step – be boyfriend and girlfriend – when he’s not, he may insist on not “staying the night” at one another’s place. From a modern worldview, we would pick this apart and say he’s not interested or is being deceptive, when that assumption is further than the truth. A man doesn’t like [respect] you if he’s sleeping with you outside his feelings – *gasp*. See what I did there??
So we need to reframe this thinking that positively considers respect at the forefront. Another way of saying that is: respectfully, a guy can be *both* interested in you, AND also want to take a slower pace (by not staying over or sleeping at one another’s place).
when there’s someone [else]
Fact: the person you’re dating doesn’t necessarily have to tell you they’re seeing other people. Also, fact: you have every right to know if the person you’re dating is. Therefore, respect chooses the latter.
JUST because you’re dating (no strings attached and minus commitment) doesn’t negate the [rightful] ability to opt-out, especially due to circumstantial and possibly sensitive information. Basically, you have every right to [want to] stop dating someone because they’re dating someone else. But if he is withholding other key players when it comes to his feelings and intentions concerning you, he is also withholding your right to decide in terms of your involvement between him and someone else.
Basically, there’s zero informed consent, when a simple, “Hey, I know we’re just a casual thing, but just wanted to let you know I’m seeing someone else [too/now],” would suffice. And we know how vital informed consent is these days, don’t we?
The whole “go with the flow” *energy* – that’s emotional carelessness, with zero regard or consideration for how you feel. When he respects you, he will want you to know if/when there is someone else – taking up space in his mind and heart, his time and energy, or even his bed – out of decency for your dignity, freedom and happiness.
your best interest is parallel to his own
It’s like the saying goes, he can’t hurt you without ultimately hurting himself. This is evident and understood to a man who has the utmost respect, whether he’s known you a week, a month, or a year. So what does this mean [having your best interest] exactly, when you’re *just* dating, and what does it look like?
Let’s be real, the guy who truly likes you, values you, and respects you…is going to take a bullet for you. And no, no, no, no…he doesn’t have to be in Love with you to do so. There’s that. From the slightly less extreme approach, if you’re both walking on the sidewalk…he’s going to be the one walking closest to the ongoing traffic. But let’s dig a little deeper because we can’t only see it from one angle.
Having your best interest means taking into significant account of your feelings, your needs, wants and desires even if they do not align with or benefit his own.
- A call to let you know he will be running a little late for your date, rather than just accepting his tardiness by showing up late with an explanation by leaving you hanging (and left wondering “WTF”).
- [In the event you both agree to seeing other people while dating] Let’s say his feelings for someone else have exceeded his feelings for you. He will take initiative to stop pursuing you out of respect for your feelings and intentions as well as for the other party involved as well as share this initiative with you.
- Him choosing not to engage in something..[that you/they *may* feel compromises or jeopardizes the entity of your relationship or the connection you have]..out of mere respect and integrity for you and your feelings – i.e., declining an invitation to happy hour after work with an *attractive* coworker.
Though this does not mean his feelings, needs, wants, and desires no longer or should not matter. Rather, at this point, what he decides to do (his choices, with his life) is ultimately up to him; where the idea of having each other’s best interest not only means accepting the consequences when we don’t but that it won’t always guarantee *having our way*. So, in some cases, him having your best interest can look like:
- Him accepting a new job offer states away while informing you he isn’t emotionally equipped to take on a long distance relationship OR choosing to forgo a new job offer because his feelings for you, the relationship and his current job exceed the benefits of the new job opportunity.
he values common courtesy
This isn’t a complex issue, and he understands why, too. One that is often taken out of context (in terms of relationships), many treat common courtesy as restrictive and sacrificial in our more self-focused culture today. As if others don’t [deserve] need courtesy, especially if it costs us.
A sign of respect that is DEEPLY undervalued, he’s simply not going to overthink it. (This is just one measly example) – he’s going to let you know [when and where] he’s hanging out with the guys. [Bomb-drop] And here’s the best part – he sincerely WANTS you to know because he values connection over personal sovereignty. He KNOWS he doesn’t have to fill you in on anything about his life or day to day, that he is deserving of keeping things to himself, but that does not rule his desires.
In fact, since he values you, he will treat it like it’s your right to know. Why? Because he knows a relationship is not only built on trust, but that reinforced trust is not a form of slavery. Ongoing reassurance is a courtesy earned, lost or not.
To put it simply, he’s not going to allow his [sovereign] freedom and pride to overpower his will to be humble, mindful, and considerate. Because when you benefit from courtesy so does he.
where the line(s) are drawn
You know, limits – boundaries. As much as we’re told to take up space (have a voice), we’re also guilty of insecurity and defensiveness the moment a romantic interest puts their foot down about something. This suddenly makes them out to be [too] controlling, egotistical, aggressive or threatening for simply having boundaries let alone responding when those boundaries are crossed. For someone who has no bounds, they’re prone to such labels like pushover, weak, spineless, soft, feminine, or passive.
Worse off, many often view romantic interests with unhealthy boundaries (or none) as more appealing/*sexy because it’s attributed to their feelings for them. Somehow it’s considered respectful [*sexy*] when a guy is always in constant contact and wants to know what you’re doing, where you’re at and who you’re with (because they “care”/”like you”/experience bouts of “jealousy” to ensure that you know who you *belong* to).
Oh how often both sides STILL *quietly* enable and romanticize this behavior.
[2nd bomb drop] No one can truly respect anyone [else] while disrespecting themselves. So we need to do better at acknowledging our own discomfort (and why this may be triggering) when someone shares a boundary with us instead of deeming them as “disrespectful”. For example, him wanting *space* (aka, for you to stop texting him) while hanging out with his friends.
A real man isn’t afraid to be real with you…when he isn’t comfortable with you slyly taking over his place (i.e., decorating without his consent), doesn’t like sharing food you didn’t want in the first place (i.e., where you feel entitled to it), and won’t tolerate rude or hateful comments toward his roommate (i.e., because he’s simply “around too much”).
Since he knows his limits, and upholds them, he also knows you [should] have boundaries, too. Not only does he respect that you have them, but he wants to [help you] honor them. And there’s a way to do both, respectfully.
you are a priority, but not the only one
We have a tendency to take this the wrong way, on both extremes. Vice versa, too! To be considered a priority has to mean that you are placed “above or equal to” something [else] and that you become valuable in terms of time, effort, space and energy.
*This is not to confuse your inherent, intrinsic value as a human being – nobody else determines or dictates that.
BUT, it isn’t sensible to be the one and only priority in someone’s life. And there’s respect on a whole other level when a man is an example of what embodies a realistic, healthy relationship. Connecting with someone doesn’t mean “I have no life because I’m yours” and vice versa. You are still two whole individuals with or without each other.
For example, you balance a multitude of things that are important to you in your day-to-day life. Your job, family, friends, and hobbies, as well as personal self-care, *rest, and responsibilities [duties/basic needs, *musts] such as cooking healthy meals, budgeting, and mental health – the list goes on. These are significant priorities that encompass your life, who you are and what holds value to you throughout.
A man who respects you certainly doesn’t want to be the ONLY thing you got going on, let alone what you are willing to sacrifice everything else for (by losing yourself in him). Let that one sit for a moment – go back and re-read that again if you need.
He likes you/fell in love with you for a reason, right? He loves the fact that you still make time for friends and family, put time and effort into the hobbies you love, work hard at your job, commit to honoring God, go to bed early for a good night’s rest instead of staying up late, and take consistent strides to understand, better, and love yourself as you *need*, wholly.
Now I’m not saying he isn’t flattered and appreciative of the fact you turn down girls’ night to take care of him when he’s sick as a dog. Yet many seemingly and unconsciously desire to be top tier, on the pedestal where only one thing can reside at a time above all else. We want to be at the top of that pedestal, permanently, at all times but we fail to understand that we simply can’t and won’t be someone else’s be all end all infinitely. Besides, in the human experience, that’s a risky position because it can also be the most disappointing without forgiveness and grace in return.
All in all, there’s that fine balance between serving each other (going above and beyond or out of your way) and losing yourself in another. Respectfully, he wants you to know that while, yes, you are a [top-tier] priority to him in his life…you aren’t and won’t be the only one/*thing.
he isn’t perfect, and neither are you
The man who respects you will undoubtedly treat you right – 100%. But will he be perfect? Will he *alwaysssss* say all the right things at all the right times, do all the nice things “when he should just know” and “just because”, or be who you need him to be without you having to utter a word or lift a finger?
Um, no. He will make mistakes, he will say and do things he’ll regret (that will disappoint you), and he’ll go through emotional states and trivial moments that trigger and inconvenience you. And he knows you will, too, because you’re not perfect, either, which is why respect comes with grace and mercy.
In fact, he knows that resisting or refusing to acknowledge and face his imperfections (insecurities, capacity/limitations, mistakes, shortcomings, inadequacies, and ability to inflict pain [onto others]) does not serve and protect him…or you. In this life, we are bound to hurt people (intentional or not), and the same applies to our romantic partners. We can’t nor should we run from this idea, because when we do the result is to push people away (whether we mean to, want to, or not).
Therefore, when a man respects you, he isn’t in denial of his ability of making mistakes (and yours). Rather he strives to hold himself (and you) accountable in the wake of his mistakes and shortcomings (and yours) because he knows this not only builds trust but embodies endurance, humility and vulnerability. And when you have all those things you will notice how easy it is to overcome and bounce back from those petty disagreements, conflict, or even bigger trials. Because when a man respects you, those things will hold no power in the relationship.
